Separation

[Shani91]

My husband and I are both 24 and currently separated. We are living with our mum's (2 streets away from each other).
We have a beautiful 6 month old son. I see my husband every day and we go out for lunch or coffee so that our son can spend time with him.

One of the main issues we aren't reconciling is because of him and his family. His mother and sister have come to see our son once since he was born in February and expect me to go up and visit every time. I have been up numerous times and have always offered them to visit me whenever they'd like to, have always said they are more than welcome to come and visit but they don't. They don't even message or call to ask how my son is. I've tried talking to my husband about it but his reason is that they want privacy to bond. The thing is, they haven't shown any interest and I find it hurtful.
We are also arguing because my husband doesn't get alone time with our son. The reason for this is because I don't completely trust him as he is emotionally abusive. There has also been a non-offence police report filed for this abuse. He just doesn't understand. I have post natal depression and his family also don't understand this, they think it's my fault.
It's such a difficult situation but I need some advice :-(

 

[resurrection33]

This sounds like a very complicated matter and I suspect the story is a lot longer than what you’ve told so far. My only advice would be to be patient. Hopefully it’ll work itself out.

 

[Ugly]

So your husband is a God fearing, loving and emotionally abusive man whose abuse is so bad you fear leaving his own child alone with him? (to reference your thread from a week ago on the same subject).
Honestly, though, if his family makes no effort to see your son why is this causing you to argue with your husband? He can't control what they do. No matter what their reason is it's just that 'their' reason. I can understand being a bit hurt, but to treat your husband as though it's somehow his problem and to start fights with him over it seems to be more of Your problem than his or his family's.
But i can understand that you make no special effort to cater to them. Particularly if they insist that to bond they need to be separate from you and have privacy. That sends red flags up. No one 'needs' time alone with a child to bond with them that is not a mother or father. So either they have ulterior motives or it's just an excuse to not have to see your child.
Some of the family issues, at least according to how you describe things, seems to be resolving itself. Some members of his family you aren't comfortable around, and they won't make any effort to come around themselves, or make contact. So it seems this issue is working out for good on it's on, but you are upset about it.
If they don't show any interest towards your son, then move on. Whatever reason they have, it's their problem. I would suggest not holding on to that and instead spend more time focusing on more important things in your life. It sounds as though you are putting a lot of focus on these people. Everything you've described out them screams 'unhealthy' and 'uninterested' yet you are seeming insistent that they need to be around. They don't. It would be nice, sure, but it would also be nice if they were healthier people. But they aren't. And you can't change that, and no amount of arguing with your husband over it will change it either. Sometimes we have to accept what is, instead of focusing on what 'should be' or how we wish things were. It may be in your best interest to just accept things for as they are, so you can stop being hurt that unhealthy people are not pushing to be in your and your sons life.

As far as the issues with your husband, abusive people are very difficult to get to change. Primarily because they refuse to accept their behavior as their choice or fault. It's always someone elses fault why they do/say the things they do, and if other people would change, they wouldn't act/speak that way. A person who thinks like that is incapable of change. And this also causes them to often be insensitive. So it's no surprise that someone with an abusive tendency would be so dismissive of your pnd.

I'm of the belief that your separation needs to be focused on your marriage and his abuse, and less on his family's choices. Currently he has no fear of consequences of his behavior, and this is why things are not changing. You're separated, but live close and still see him daily. And are actively seeking a way to get him back in. This is a quite ineffective sort of separation. Too much going on, too little consequence.
A solid sort of separation, involving any sort of abuse, is always difficult because it requires a long term effort. It requires boundaries to be put up and kept in place with required expectations to be met before there is even Talk of moving back together. This is not easy for most women, let alone a woman with a 6 month old and dealing with pnd. So i understand that makes it extremely difficult.

It sounds as though his family looks down on you, for whatever reason. Don't take it personally, as that is an issue with their heart and not you, unless you have given them solid reasons to. Or they may just be a callous, controlling family which would explain your husbands abusive tendencies.

All in all it is a rough situation and their is no easy out. Just stop focusing on his family and look into if it is at all possible for this separation to become something more staunch and set with boundaries. I'm sorry you're going through this, especially with a new baby. I'm sure this is not what you expected when you got married. But keep in mind, when you're going through something, you are not at the end, but in the middle, and you have no idea what plot twists are up ahead. There's still room for this to work out in the end. It may not be an easy road, but at least it's a hopeful one.

 

[Depleted]

My husband and I are both 24 and currently separated. We are living with our mum's (2 streets away from each other).
We have a beautiful 6 month old son. I see my husband every day and we go out for lunch or coffee so that our son can spend time with him.

One of the main issues we aren't reconciling is because of him and his family. His mother and sister have come to see our son once since he was born in February and expect me to go up and visit every time. I have been up numerous times and have always offered them to visit me whenever they'd like to, have always said they are more than welcome to come and visit but they don't. They don't even message or call to ask how my son is. I've tried talking to my husband about it but his reason is that they want privacy to bond. The thing is, they haven't shown any interest and I find it hurtful.
We are also arguing because my husband doesn't get alone time with our son. The reason for this is because I don't completely trust him as he is emotionally abusive. There has also been a non-offence police report filed for this abuse. He just doesn't understand. I have post natal depression and his family also don't understand this, they think it's my fault.
It's such a difficult situation but I need some advice :-(

I recommend getting that advice with someone you know and trust, but won't just go along with everything you say.