Should I let my marriage go.....family in Christ?

[Ya]

Married 2 years with a child. Bottom line is I want to split, not so that I can live whorish or free of family's responsibilities, simply because we just do not work well together...like at all! Perhaps we rushed into marriage and didn't learn enough about one another because we simply do not enjoy each other. I dread coming home from work unsure what argument awaits me. I'm not the greatest guy but i do try so does she, I just don't feel we are good for each other at this point. Just yesterday I had a dozen roses and lilies sent to her just bought her a car and constantly try showing love to her all to no gain. She was grateful and loves all I do and then the next day she's like questioning my love again??? No matter how much she tries pleasing me or how much I try pleasing her it doesn't work.
I'm ready to separate, because all we do is fight. It's so stupid! Considering maybe taking a trip to a beach with her but I can't shake the feeling that it'll be all for nothing. We'll just find something to fight over and ruin everything we tried to accomplish....growth. she accuses me of wanting to see other Women and truthfully at first that was never even a thought but she says it so much i am now finding myself more interested in other women than ever. No I have not fallen to that temptation and I don't want to be that dude, I try and live a Righteous life, but my Wife doesn't even encourage or believe that God is with me, which hurts me terribly and blows me away; God is my greatest love and to think my Wife doesn't see or know that I have some sort of relationship with Him leaves me like lost for words. If she constantly has negative things to say about my relationship with God how would my children view it or anyone else?! Point is my Wife is supposed to be my other half if my other half fights me constantly, well where is the GOOD in it; my life becomes ineffective. Anyways Perhaps I should go spend time alone allow her space as well.
Would you?

 

[TrainforGodliness]

Hey man, I'm truly sorry to hear about your difficult marriage. I've been married for 7 years myself, and the first 5 years of it were pretty awful. The only difference based on what you wrote is that it was clearly mostly my fault.

If you are open to finding an answer in a book, there is one that I would STRONGLY recommend, which I believe can save your marriage- Nonviolent Communication by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg. I know the title seems weird, but the book is all about communication- both listening and speaking more effectively. It is extremely easy to read, full of great anecdotes, and it has made a positive difference in most of my relationships (wife, parents, coworkers, etc). If you are interested in the book I would even be glad to mail a copy to you for free. I own several copies just for times like this- that is how much of a difference it made for me.

I also took a moment to look at your profile and I see that you are Christian. As you may or may not already know "God hates divorce" (Malachi 2:16). Hates it. If a book isn't the right answer for you and your wife, then I would recommend at least giving marriage counseling a try- specifically with a Christian counselor if possible.

I hope you receive other great advice from fellow CC members and that you and your wife are able to save your young marriage and build a life and family with Christ as the foundation.

 

[presidente]

Hi Ya,

If you've read what the Bible says, I think you know your answers to some of your own questions. If you put away your wife because you don't get along and marry someone else, that's committing adultery. The Bible commands you not to do it.

Instead of regretting getting married or thinking about divorce, you need to figure out some ways to get along better. It sounds like one of your problems is your wife's insecurity. Did she have a boyfriend who cheated on her? Did she have some bad experience with her parents growing up? Maybe she's just insecure about her looks or her own value as a person or as a wife. So you need to reassure her. If she accuses you of not being faithful, you can tell her how faithful you have been, how you have been good to her, and how hurtful and disrespectful it is of her to accuse you of doing such a thing. Do it calmly. And have a conversation about how she needs to stop doing that. Depending on her personality, it may just work to reassure her of your love for her.

I haven't read the book TrainforGodliness recommended, but it does sound like a good idea to get a book or go to a counselor who can teach the two of you how to talk without saying things that lead to an argument (or without her saying these kinds of things.)

Another practical thing to do for your spiritual life is to have devotions with her. It can be as simple as reading a chapter of the Bible together and praying for or with her every night. You can also pray about the marriage problems. I remember my wife and I were having difficulty getting along. I was off work on a vacation for a week for a holiday overseas, and from my perspective, she was hard to get along with. I asked her to pray with me. I asked the Holy Spirit to show us areas where we needed to repent and change. And then we confessed sins to one another and apologized. A big pile of resentment and an inability to get along was gone in a short period of time. It's good when you let God into the relationship and humbly ask for His help to fix the problem.

The Proverbs have a lot of passages about the woes of having a quarrelsome wife, and there is a chapter dedicated to a good wife. You might throw in some of those Proverbs in your devotions together as a couple. I think if my wife were like that, I might try to gently remind her of those Proverbs. There have been some seasons where my wife has been hard to get along with, sometimes hormone related. I remember one time telling my wife in exasperation that I just tried to stay at the office. I had work to do anyway, but why would I come home if she were so hard to get along with. Another time when she was pregnant, just talking about something neutral could make her either get argumentative or break down in tears. I prayed for her and God answered really completely, point by point, what I prayed. In fact, she told me about areas the Lord had spoken with her and basically repeated my prayer list in more detail. I say this to encourage you to pray for her your wife. Overall, though, I've had a good marriage and my wife is usually pretty easy to get along with. But there have been seasons where it is difficult.

That's something you might want to keep in mind, too. If she gets irritable during PMS, you have to pay attention to that and cut her some slack. It also helps to know it will end. Pregnancy, the time right after childbirth, and PMS right after weaning a baby have been some tough times in our marriage as far as mood swings are concerned. But over time, even that has improved as my wife has grown in grace.

You also can't let your wife's moods and words effect your self-worth. The things she say may be able to damage you, but that happens if you believe them. If she has a tendency to say things she shouldn't, then you need to hold her accountable and teach her the word of God. Sometimes you may need to think of her and even treat her a little like your kid sister if she's being unreasonable. Don't placate her by agreeing with you are wrong just to help her through her moods. If she's being unreasonable, that should be your stance when dealing with her. Be kind. Be considerate. But you need to provide her some leadership when she's upset or going through emotional issues. If she's insecure, reassure her. If she accuses you wrongly, correct her gently and don't give in by pretending to be wrong when you aren't. And don't fly off the handle and get angry. Pray about these things with her and trust God to help her improve in these areas.

Why did God give you a wife? Was it to give you a happy time, to make life more fun? The Bible teaches that a man is love his wife as Christ loved the church. When Christians sin, does Jesus just divorce us and send us away? No, Jesus gave His life for the church. He puts up with a lot of stuff from us sometimes.

 

[Angela53510]

Blame the woman, Presidente! This poster agrees they are both at fault. You get more misogynist with each post you make.

I do agree that if you are truly a Christian, "not getting along" is not Biblical grounds for divorce. Get help from your pastor. You can both change with the help of the Holy Spirit and be glad you stuck it out.

Praying for God to restore your marriage,

 

[Cairparavel]

i've suffered A LOT more than "not getting along." Give me a break. You made your decision. Death till you part. Deal with it dude. Deal with it.

 

[Dan58]

There seems to be a lot of post like this from young people. The simple lesson might be; Get to know someone before you marry them. Its a lot easier than getting married, having kids, and then trying to decide if you like each other.

 

[1joh39]

Ya, this is what I know from personal experience.... There is only a fight if TWO parties are in a fight. My wife blew me cold for 16 years. I fighted with her all the time, then she would look me in the eyes and not ay a word. I would blow steam and fire, and she would just stand there and not say a single word. It always driven me nuts. Why can't I get her upset. She only pities me and hear me out.

So here is my suggetion. Next time your wife wants to fight LOOK her straight in the eye and pray this softly in your head. "Oh my darling wife, I forgive you for being so unhappy. I am NOT the cause but I will carry this anger yo got with you. I forgive you my wife. I will NOT add to your anger, and my anger I will NOT share with you, I will rather help you carry yours. Lord help me LEAD my wife into clamness... AMEN!"

And that is how my wife taimed me, today I am a puppy in her hands. Strong in love SLOW to strife. Fast to do right SLow to anger.... Her prayers sved me and our marriage. Maybe you should follow my wifes example. We are married 33 years now, the first 16 must have been HELL for her for I was a HUGE adulterer to boost....

My man Look your wife in the eye and say in your head... "I FORGIVE YOU even though you are so wanting to fight, I will NOT FIGHT BACK, Amen!: Then yuo ask her if you can just hug her. She would either kill you or love you... Hope you survive the NO FIGHT BACK. God bless you in the effort. Please share if it worked so we can help others OK. If not we will try something else, but this is WORKING it out in LOVE, and LOVE is the strongest thing on earth.... God is LOVE!

 

[oldthennew]

1joh39,

a very good suggestion!

albeit it will take a lot of self-control and maturity
to be able to apply this.

I remember also that often the silent one is silent
because all of the anger/provoking has taken it's
toll and there are just no words left that would
make any difference.

I'm so grateful that our Father teaches us how
to suture up old wounds and turn them into
hopefully, l
forgiveness=lessons=learned.

thanks

 

[presidente]

Blame the woman, Presidente! This poster agrees they are both at fault. You get more misogynist with each post you make.

Angela,

I looked back over his post and mine. I think you are the one with the problem. You've got to stop looking at everything through a Feminist lens and throwing around radical Feminist buzzwords and accusations. My post was not 'misogynist.' I commented based on what he shared. He mentioned a number of problems he'd had with his wife being insecure about his loving her, but not too much detail on his own side of things, and I responded to what he wrote. You'll notice I suggested several things he could do, including devotions with his wife.

 

[Faith_Hope_Love]

Dear Lord, please guide this special brother during the trouble in his marriage. And his ears shall hear a word behind him saying, this is the way, walk here, when he turns to his right and when he turns to his left" (see Isa. 30:21).

“Please reassure him when he sees a thousand fall on his right side and ten thousand at his left; help him to know that if he follows You, it will not happen to him (see Ps. 91:7). Hide him under your protective wings."

“Help him to find the narrow path that will lead him to life, the abundant life you have for him and for his family. Lord, I pray for a testimony that you can use for Your glory when this troubled or broken marriage is healed and restored! We will give You all the honor and the glory. Amen

Please visit: encouragingmen.org

I pray that you find the help and answers you are looking for in their site. Nothing is impossible with God. Amen!

 

[secularhermit]

I´m not a "word" you to listen... Recently I ran from an affair i really liked, but I felt too miserable when I heard her too demanding, eager to change my "all life" without noticing she also need things to be changed and, the great thing I did it was accpeting her as she was... But I spared me time and emotional pains when i decided to cut it off.

Hope you find THE BEST WAY. Negociate what it could be settled or arrange. You have children and I know that they would feel the hit.