Sister issues...do I cut ties with my parents?

[kris1079]

Hi! I'm new here and desperate for any advice I can get.

I am having issues with my sister. They've been going on pretty much our whole lives, but more so since we are now adults.

A little background: My parents are pastors and have been for my whole life. I am the oldest and have a brother and a the youngest is my sister. She has always been different than my brother or I. We were never problem children, always did the right thing(well, most of the time). My brother graduated from Bible college. My husband and I are very involved in our church on the worship team and as youth pastors at one time.

My sister is different. She's always been "difficult". She was so mean to my brother and I and still is. She is now 27 years old and we still fight like we are 10. She parties, has a kid and doesn't know who the father is, sleeps around, has boyfriend after boyfriend, no job, lives off welfare, no car, moves from friends house to my parents house over and over, she's mean, disrespectful to me and my parents, lazy, manipulative. I can go on and on...

My problem is not so much her as it is my parents. They are so enabling! They buy her food, diapers, they take her out to eat because she spends all her welfare money the first day she gets it on herself! hey let her move in with them every time she gets kicked out of somewhere else, which has happened more than 20 times. She lives with them for free, eats their food, makes a huge mess and doesn't clean up or do any chores. Sits on the couch all day watching tv while they both work, doesn't look for jobs or houses.

I am so angry at them for letting her do this to them. I've talked to them on multiple occasions. They know what they do is wrong but they can't help it. They have told me before that I would do the same if it was my daughter. I can tell you right now, because I have watched this go on for so long, that I will not. I do not like my 8 year old daughter being around her. She is starting to ask questions about the baby's dad or why she has so many boyfriends. I have told my parents that I will not come and visit (they live 2 hours away) overnight anymore as long as she is there. They still don't do anything about it!

They would rather not see me or my kids just to let her use them badly like she does! She doesn't care about them at all. She treats them terribly! I don't understand and it makes me so angry, sad, frustrated, stressed. I just don't know what to do anymore.

I don't want to cut off ties with my parents, but I don't know how to handle the situation. I can't stand to be around my sister at all right now, but it seems in order to have a relationship with my parents, I have to.

I just need any advice at all. Anyone have a similar situation? If I'm in the wrong, please tell me. I'm ready to hear anything! Whatever I have to do to fix this! Please be honest!

Thank you.

 

[RedTent]

You are lucky that your sister will allow you in the same room with you, mine won't.

There is absolutely nothing you can do to influence your sister's or your folk's life except live your life well.

Do you remember when God allowed Nebuchadnezzar to force the Hebrews to live under him? God told them that it was his will, and they were to make the best of it. Daniel did that.

You and I have a sister that has to be put up with best we can, we need to make the best we can of it.

 

[kenisyes]

I agree with RedTent. There is no reason to cut off ties with your parents. You treat your sister the way God tells you to, and let them treat your sister the way they feel He is telling them to. You don't need to go to the house while she is there if you don't want to; surely there must be ways around that. You are entirely reasonable in your desire not to stay with them overnight. If they see you less, that is a choice they are makng as well, but stay as close to them as you can without sacrificing your principles. They love you both equally, and your input is important for their final decision about your sister, and your sister's eventual salvation and quality of life 10 years from now, and they know it, whatever they say.

Maybe a better question is why does her behavior (and their response) make you so angry? Maybe you should ask God about this.

 

[thecreationtutor]

She's your sister physically - all you can do is love her through it, share what God is doing in your life, and pray that the Holy Spirit would convict and convince her of her sin. You don't have to condemn her, she's already condemned if she doesn't believe the Gospel.

You think that's bad. My sister lost 100 lbs and is 37, divorcing her husband to be a bar rat, and her husband's heart is failing him physically, may need a heart transplant. Both don't know the Lord. If he dies without Christ - he goes to hell, if my sister comes to know Christ, she'll have to deal with that she possible helped send him there....

You need to be the stable influence and suffer for their good, it may be for the children, and not your sister.

 

[Lucy68]

You probably don't want to hear this, but the biggest issue is your resentment for your sister. Yes, your parents are being 'used' but they are adults and need to handle her how they see fit. One hard thing about being a parent of a rebellious child is distinguishing the line between showing unconditional love and 'enabling'. They do need do set some boundaries for her in context of living with them but that's really their call.

I can see why you don't want to be around her or have your children around her. Just don't be at their house when she's there. But try not get mad at your parents thinking they are choosing her over you because they allow her to live there knowing that you won't come visit. That is a decision that you have made, not them. In their eyes if they don't help her she may resort to something worse, like maybe prostitution. There are guidelines for helping people who refuse to help themselves and maybe your parents can go to a counselor or pastor and ask for some suggestions.

But for YOU to have peace, you need to accept things you can't change. I, too, held resentment towards people who weren't doing what I thought they should be doing. But for me to keep my sanity, I had to let them go to make their own choices and keep praying for them. That's the key....keep praying for those who you are in conflict with.

Praying for you...peace, patience, acceptance, and continuing love for your parents...may the Spirit guide you .

 

[allaboutlove]

Im all about love an all but im not naive ether an i know sometimes tough love is the best.. your parents just allowing her to stay there like that i understand why but they shouldnt be there only helping to make her worse... with some people the only way to reach them is for them to hit rock bottom first..... if i where in the same sitiuation i wouldnt break ties with my parents but everytime i talked to them id tell them they needed to be telling her to get a job an making her get up an do stuff an id keep saying it until they got it... i know it may sound unloving but she will ether eventually get a job or get mad an leave an if she leaves pray an she willl most likely hit a point where she relizes she has to change....

 

[sandtigeress]

There is another person ! your sisters child, your neffew or niece.
That child also needs his/her grandparents and a loving christian aunt would be nice too.
As long as your parents help your sister, they also help their grandchild.

I understand that you do not want your sisters influence with your daugther, but should you not try to be a good influence on your niece or neffew.

Should you not teach your daugther to love her/your neighbors even those who sin, like your sister does.

Your parents love you and your brother and your sister. They would help you just as much as they are helping your sister, if you would need that much help. try to be a little less judgemental and try to be a little less hurt, by what seems to you, that they are choosing the "bad egg" over you. They are not, they love you, too !

Also you can not protet your parents from her manipulations and her living off them. That is not easy to give over, we always want to protect those we love.

We do not know, what would happen, if your parents did not help your sister. What would happen to the child, who is an innocent in all this.

Sorry if i sound harsh.

If you can not stand to see your sister at the moment, why do you not invite you parents over more, then you and your family will see them, without beeing reminded of the situation at home. And it will do your parents good, to see that there older daugther lives a full christian life.

Try to pray for your sister, your niece/neffew and your parents. That gods will happens, whatever that may be.
Pray to god, to help you with the negative feelings.
Do not cut your ties with your parents, they need you, to balance them.
They have already lost one daugther to a sinnfull live, they should not loose the other daugther too.

And one should never have to choose between ones children !

 

[kris1079]

You are all so right! Thank you for being honest with me. These are all things that I know deep down, but it helps to hear them from people on the outside.

And my husband and I do try to be there for my nephew. We would adopt him if we could.

I guess the main thing is trying to protect my kids from her influence. My daughter soaks up everything.

It's very difficult trying to find a balance in all this. My sister has hurt me deeply over the last 25 years and continues to do so. She is emotionally and mentally abusive to my brother, husband and I and always has been. I don't normally have trouble forgiving people, but its difficult with her. She doesn't feel bad that she hurts us.

I just need to find a balance between having a relationship with my parents and my kids having a relationship with them and protecting my family from any more hurt caused by my sister.

Thank you all again! It was wonderful advice!

 

[Avalonjunky]

There is no need to cut ties with anyone especially your parents. We must after all, remember that we are given the parents that we are meant to have when we are born and therefore known beyond all doubt that God in his infinite wisdom does not make mistakes. Your family is your family and you love them, though you don't always have to like the way they choose to live thier lives. What you must remember is that you are treating your sister in a way that feels right to you because it is the way God would want you to treat her.

 

[santuzza]

I also would not cut ties completely with your parents, but I would never bring my child to that household as long as your sister is there. I would not expose my child to your sister's lifestyle. Your first priority is your own family. Certainly allow your parents to have a relationship with you and your child, but I strongly suggest you all stay away from that household. Who needs the drama? Extricate yourself from the painful situation, but don't stop praying for them all!

 

[Ugly]

Hi! I'm new here and desperate for any advice I can get.

I am having issues with my sister. They've been going on pretty much our whole lives, but more so since we are now adults.

A little background: My parents are pastors and have been for my whole life. I am the oldest and have a brother and a the youngest is my sister. She has always been different than my brother or I. We were never problem children, always did the right thing(well, most of the time). My brother graduated from Bible college. My husband and I are very involved in our church on the worship team and as youth pastors at one time.

My sister is different. She's always been "difficult". She was so mean to my brother and I and still is. She is now 27 years old and we still fight like we are 10. She parties, has a kid and doesn't know who the father is, sleeps around, has boyfriend after boyfriend, no job, lives off welfare, no car, moves from friends house to my parents house over and over, she's mean, disrespectful to me and my parents, lazy, manipulative. I can go on and on...

My problem is not so much her as it is my parents. They are so enabling! They buy her food, diapers, they take her out to eat because she spends all her welfare money the first day she gets it on herself! hey let her move in with them every time she gets kicked out of somewhere else, which has happened more than 20 times. She lives with them for free, eats their food, makes a huge mess and doesn't clean up or do any chores. Sits on the couch all day watching tv while they both work, doesn't look for jobs or houses.

I am so angry at them for letting her do this to them. I've talked to them on multiple occasions. They know what they do is wrong but they can't help it. They have told me before that I would do the same if it was my daughter. I can tell you right now, because I have watched this go on for so long, that I will not. I do not like my 8 year old daughter being around her. She is starting to ask questions about the baby's dad or why she has so many boyfriends. I have told my parents that I will not come and visit (they live 2 hours away) overnight anymore as long as she is there. They still don't do anything about it!

They would rather not see me or my kids just to let her use them badly like she does! She doesn't care about them at all. She treats them terribly! I don't understand and it makes me so angry, sad, frustrated, stressed. I just don't know what to do anymore.

I don't want to cut off ties with my parents, but I don't know how to handle the situation. I can't stand to be around my sister at all right now, but it seems in order to have a relationship with my parents, I have to.

I just need any advice at all. Anyone have a similar situation? If I'm in the wrong, please tell me. I'm ready to hear anything! Whatever I have to do to fix this! Please be honest!

Thank you.

Why not explain to your parents that you want nothing more to do with your sister, and while you still want to spend time with them, it will have to be at a time and place where your sister will not be? Perhaps have dinner with them once a week, just them, you and your kids. Make it clear if your sister shows up, or is brought along you will immediately walk out.

 

[Share55]

Very good advice but as for outside influence to your child you do realize your child will run into that outside influence in the general public and maybe she/he wouldn't notice it so much if you weren't so upset over it. I used to tease my other family members by telling them they shouldn't talk about me behind my back so much as their children look at me sideways and if I walk into a room and they all go quiet I ask them what the juicy gossip is about me as I have a right to know too. LoL
Always be a good example for your children and they will grow up wise enough to make good decisions.
Try not to be so hard on your sister. You don't know what made her that way. Peer pressure is hard besides being the youngest. The world throws at us so many stumbling blocks that so many of us fall without our loved ones noticing until it is too late.
I remember my 2nd youngest telling me about what a hard life he had and I was shocked. I guess I based my thoughts of how he was doing by those who I talked with who constantly praised my children but didn't hear the slurs, and condemnation by those who sought only to hurt others who could not defend themselves.
Try asking about her childhood and draw her into talking. Find out how she feels about herself and MOST important don't judge because sometimes it takes forever to hear the whole story esp. if they have learned to mistrust you because of being judgmental. Reach out with love and the whole world will open at your feet <3