Hey everyone, so I am a single mom of four kiddos. I have been married twice. My first husband was Russian and was very abusive in every way imaginable. We had to run from him with our lives. I married him young. I had never dated before him, and no one had ever explained domestic violence to me, so I thought it was normal. Two children later, I ran from him to save our lives.
Next, I married a man who seemed to be a strong Christian. He was an intern for a pastor, a worship leader, and knew the Word in and out. He said all the right things to fool everyone. I knew he had a past of meth use, but he had accepted Christ and had been sober for two years (so he claimed). Everyone seemed to approve of him, and he was kind to my kiddos, so we married. Six months into our marriage, I discovered he was a closet drinker. Then I discovered he started smoking pot, and eventually went back to meth. I tried to get him into five inpatient recovery programs and counseling during our nine years of marriage. Every time he made many promises to change. I supported the family...by this time we had four children in our home...while he "recovered". Then one night, he punched me repeatedly in the face and threw me into a bathroom on the floor, taking away my phone so I couldn't call for help. Because of my past experience with being abused, I had hid a back-up phone and had him arrested. When he was gone, my children started sharing stories about abuse they had suffered from him while I was at work, and CPS gave me an ultimatum: either he left or my kids would be taken. That was an easy choice for me. I took my children and left that state and that man.
Now here I am, five years later. I'm not afraid to be alone, and God is my strength and peace, but I feel like used goods; like no man will ever love me or my children. Like all hope of knowing a godly marriage is lost. I want to be content, and mostly I am, but there is this inner longing for someone who will actually love me. I almost get men running for the hills when they see I have four children. I'm a good mom, and I will never date anyone who can't accept that my children are a part of me...I just don't know if men like that exist anymore. :'(
Next, I married a man who seemed to be a strong Christian. He was an intern for a pastor, a worship leader, and knew the Word in and out. He said all the right things to fool everyone. I knew he had a past of meth use, but he had accepted Christ and had been sober for two years (so he claimed). Everyone seemed to approve of him, and he was kind to my kiddos, so we married. Six months into our marriage, I discovered he was a closet drinker. Then I discovered he started smoking pot, and eventually went back to meth. I tried to get him into five inpatient recovery programs and counseling during our nine years of marriage. Every time he made many promises to change. I supported the family...by this time we had four children in our home...while he "recovered". Then one night, he punched me repeatedly in the face and threw me into a bathroom on the floor, taking away my phone so I couldn't call for help. Because of my past experience with being abused, I had hid a back-up phone and had him arrested. When he was gone, my children started sharing stories about abuse they had suffered from him while I was at work, and CPS gave me an ultimatum: either he left or my kids would be taken. That was an easy choice for me. I took my children and left that state and that man.
Now here I am, five years later. I'm not afraid to be alone, and God is my strength and peace, but I feel like used goods; like no man will ever love me or my children. Like all hope of knowing a godly marriage is lost. I want to be content, and mostly I am, but there is this inner longing for someone who will actually love me. I almost get men running for the hills when they see I have four children. I'm a good mom, and I will never date anyone who can't accept that my children are a part of me...I just don't know if men like that exist anymore. :'(
