Want to move out and be independent (but my family is standing in the way). ADVICE!!!

[artdude]

Okay... Here's the thing. I need your advice. I am 25 years old and I still live at home. Once I graduated high school, I took my parents advice and continued to go to school by going to a community college. I have had to take some semesters off due to money and having to take care of sick family members around the clock.

I want to move out, be independent and take care of myself, but I have many obstacles in the way right now. My Mom is very protective (understandably so) and sheltering of her kids and doesn't want me to move out until I get married. She is afraid that something bad will happen to me if I do.

I feel like I am stuck right now in life... I feel trapped because of my home life...

• My other two siblings in my household don’t do anything around here and do not have any responsibilities, except for their bedrooms (which are NEVER clean). They come and go as they please and only come home to sleep. The next day, they’re gone again. They both have jobs. They both have cars (their cars were bought for them).
• I am a clean freak/neat nick. My bedroom is the only bedroom that is ever clean and spotless in the house.
• I clean the WHOLE house (vacuuming, dusting, scrubbing, sweeping, etc)… It wasn’t until a few months ago that I started to get paid for cleaning it. I’ve been cleaning the house for years. I cook dinner as well from time to time (that is if they don’t get something out to eat).
• I do everyone’s laundry and put everyone’s clothes up in their rooms. My siblings have gotten mad at me before if I didn’t do their stuff or get a certain shirt in the load for their work. The house is a hotel for them, basically. They want me to do stuff for them at the house.
• I was afraid of driving for quite a while. It wasn’t until 2 years ago that I finally got my permit. I am working on getting my license. I’m not able to drive myself anywhere or do anything, and I am always stuck in the house. I never get out unless it is to go to the church to work. It is embarrassing because I have to wait on someone to take me to places. I do not have my own car either. (I beat myself up for not wanting to drive earlier in life. It has prohibited me from getting where I want to go in life).
• I don’t have a full-time job (I work part time at my church but it hardly pays anything). I do some freelance work from time to time, too. If I ever bring up a job opening that is full time, my mom discourages it (even if it is not a high paying job). I am willing to do whatever I can to provide for myself.
• My mom (who I love dearly) treats me like I am a teenager. I have a good head on my shoulders and I have been raised right, but she is afraid of letting her kids go and live their own lives. She doesn’t want me to move out until I get married one day. My dad agrees with her in person, but tells me one-on-one that I need to save up, get a car and a job and move out.
• She has this mindset of "Don't tell me no, and do whatever I say" when it comes to me.
• I dated this girl for a few months. She had a past but we cared for one another. The family didn’t like her because of this (as if she is the only person on this earth with a past… we all have one). Mom threatened to break up the relationship by telling this girl that I was still learning to drive. I told her that this was wrong and that she shouldn’t say things like that. She told me that she could do whatever she wanted and that she could end the relationship right then if she wanted to. She'd call the girl names and make comments about her. She wouldn’t even let me drive her car unless I was no longer friends with this girl (we ended up breaking up because of where we are at different stages in our lives). While I was dating this girl, my mom wanted to know everything. She wanted me to tell her if and when I kissed the girl (the exact time and date. I think that this is too far).
• My mom is not in the best of health and can’t do certain things for herself because she is obese. She doesn’t do much. She sits on the computer and plays games. She’ll get up to go to the bathroom or do dishes but she can’t stand for too long. She constantly calls me in the room to do stuff for her. She isn’t doing anything to help herself. Part of me would feel guilty for wanting to move out because I feel like I am leaving her behind and that she would be my responsibility. I have always been her right hand man, always helping.
• I’ve always been one who did what people asked and never gave any lip. Whenever I try to speak my mind and talk about things, I am usually interrupted by my family members. They blow me off.
• I have always been one to myself and have been an introvert.
• I am not lazy. I will work my butt off until a job is done. I am a hard worker.
• Other people outside of my family can see that I am taken advantage of by my family. My family doesn’t see what they are doing is wrong. It's the norm for them.
• Sometimes if I am talking to people at church, my family members will interrupt me and finish my sentences.
• I am a people pleaser. I am never a jerk and I am always respectable.
• Sometimes I struggle with confidence.
• I am taking on-classes for my Associates degree and I only need one more class to graduate.
• I don't really have any friends. Everyone who I knew and was good friends with left after high school.
• I have a servant’s heart. I will help anyone with anything and I tend to sacrifice myself to the point where I am always doing for others...
• I have purchased things for myself with my own money (computer desk, bookshelf, etc.) I am responsible, neat and organized. I am saving money up at the moment for a car.

People here at my house ask me to do stuff for them all the time. I am not opposed to helping out, but when it comes to being called over and over and over and over to do stuff, it does get old. I get tired of hearing my name called. At the same time, people shouldn’t be asking me to do stuff for them when they should get off their backsides and do it themselves. It’s called laziness. This is not me being a jerk or being rude. It’s the truth.

I give so much of myself to people; perhaps even too much of myself. I do so much for others that I do nothing for myself, and I am afraid that if I continue to constantly do everything for everyone else's life, I in fact will never have lived a life of my own.

There is a certain point where you do so much for people that they expect you to automatically do it for them and they get upset when you don’t do it right away. People can be snitty, rude and hateful. Sometimes I get yelled at and sometimes I am even am cussed at. It becomes a problem when you give too much of your time and yourself. It’s called being taken advantage of, and it is wrong. I don’t believe I am wrong in that I want to have my OWN life.

I have been struggling with some depression lately. I feel like I can’t do anything. I am miserable and I feel like I am starting late in life because of my fears (fears of rejection, past fear of driving) and that I have missed out. What should I do? I need direction... This is my only way to vent...

Advice would be well appreciated... Thanks.

 

[Hellooo]

Here's some practical advice:

• Go on your county's DMV website. ASAP. Schedule your appointment to go and take the test. I'm assuming you've had some practice, since you have a learner's permit. If this is not the case, then use some of the savings you built up for that car purchase and sign up for 2-3 driving lessons this week (there are plenty of reasonably priced driving courses available if you google) and set up a time to go in for the driving test anyway. Get the license. (even if you dont have a car right now, you can still rent a car cheaply for job interviews for a day or two if necessary)
• Create your resume and a good cover letter, that can be tweaked to fit various job descriptions.
• Go online and do a search for as many companies in your area as possible. I would spend time going on the career section of each of their websites, and posting for every entry level position you see available.
• Boost your savings by selling all the things you own that you don't absolutely need...leverage Craigslist, ebay, amazon. This also makes it a lot easier to move once you've built up enough for rent, since you won't be taking a bunch of unnecessary items along with you.
• Start doing research on apartments or people looking for roommates, so you at least become familiar with what's out there, availability dates, and rent costs. You can do this online, speaking to people you know at church, etc.

You're a 25 year old MAN. Bottom line, you won't be able to live independently, (or be able to support a wife or family, if that's also what you're interested in) if you don't start taking some actionable steps.

 

[Married_Richenbrachen]

It sounds like your dad is a little absent from your life. It also sounds as if your mum loves you and appreciates you, but doesn't understand the harm she is unwittingly causing by keeping you at her home, doing women's duties. In bible times, I understand men usually built their house prior to getting married, but in today's feminised world, this is often no longer possible.

You are 25, which is a little old by society's judgement, but remember the passage in Deuteronomy 34:7 when Moses died. "And Moses was an hundred and twenty years old when he died: his eye was not dim, not his natural force abated."
God kept Moses fit and strong, and gave him good eyesight, until the day of his death. And if you serve the same God, He can also do that for you, if it be His will. Take the issue up with God and pray about it. Tell Him what you think you need.

Staying at home can be a good thing, finance wise and spiritually, but there does need to be limits. Propose a situation to your mum where you'll do an hours worth or so of house work a day, but no more. If you can find agreement, stick to it. Make sure you use the rest of your time in a productive way, searching for work (no use doing housework for an hour, then lazing away the rest of the day).

Try and find work outside the church (they rely on donations), and if your mum is giving bad career advice, don't take any more of it. Listen to her, and evaluate what she says, but if you're a man, you make your own decisions and are responsible for their consequences. Talk to your dad or some Godly men you trust and get their advice for work. Take some risks, take some chances (calculated risks, not metaphorical suicide missions!) If you're saving for a car, great. But get a functional car, not an expensive one to show off. A car that will help you work and make money, not necessarily a car to impress. If people keep asking you to do jobs, you might need to start charging them for it (this could be a way you make money). Be more assertive.

Sometimes, we must practice hard love, and people won't like it. But its for their good, and by the sounds, for your good also.

 

[RedTent]

First, you need to renew your mind. What others think should not be what is important to you, but what you think as your thoughts reflect God. Your parents take care of you when you are little, work to make you strong and grow to take care of yourself. If they fail in that, you must take over. You don't look to what parents or siblings tell you, now, you look to yourself and God.

God gave you the right to be as God created you to be, if they are infringing on those rights they must be quietly disregarded. You can not live their life for them, even to tell them how to treat you. That is between them and God. But you have an obligation to God to follow Him, not them.

 

[Lucy68]

It is time to move out....just do it in a nice way.

There is immense satisfaction in having your own place and knowing that you can take care of yourself. This is a very normal and a good phase in life. Don't let other people's fears hold you back. Maybe they've depended TOO MUCH on you and need to learn some independence themselves. That doesn't mean that you never see them again or help occasionally, but common sense calls for self-responsibility for all family members. This can bring about a healthy emotional family bond.

 

[santuzza]

1. Pray to God for strength, fortitude and guidance.
2. Get your driver's license.
3. Get a job.
4. Plan your move.
5. DO IT!

You're a doormat and you're letting them treat you as such. You're enabling all of your family's bad behavior. You would be doing yourself and them a favor by moving out as soon as possible.

 

[secularhermit]

You are not alone: " I feel like I can’t do anything. I am miserable and I feel like I am starting late in life because of my fears (fears of rejection, past fear of driving) and that I have missed out."

Perhaps you need some devine intervention, like that which helped Jacob to leave his hommie zone of confort.

YOU HAVE NOT WASTED YOUR TIME. You are a SERVANT of God. Just tell WHO you are and will find your way. You are young and many persons would like to have you, like that. Just ask God for HIS will.

 

[artdude]

I mentioned something about taking my driving test, and they (parents) said that I should get it when THEY THINK that I am ready for it. Until then, they don't want me to get it. I'm not a bad driver or anything... So frustrating...

 

[Blackson]

My Mommy says that, says this, blah, blah blah; where is your dad in your life? What is his position in the family actually? That is what you miss my friend. talk to him man-to-man. let him be your friend and open up to each other. Eventually, they will tell you the real reason of holding you back home. Your parents may know you better than yourself boy.
However, as someone has already said, you must first renew your mind so that you will know the will of God for you. Do not do your will by dear.

 

[artdude]

I said that because they wouldn't be willing to drive me out to the DMV office to take test until they think I'm ready. I will find a way though to take it

 

[Deadtosin]

make up your mind brother, Then fly.

 

[Agricola]

ASk God.

But if you want to leave and find your own place, do it, you are 25 according to your forum age. Reading between the lines I get the impression that part of the issue is that your family do not want to loose a domestic slave.