You are very kind JustBelieve. I truly believe that God is healing me. He has certainly done a great work in me already and He will continue it until it is perfected. My father disowned me in January because I finally told him enough was enough and he had to stop lying. I found out then that his cancer was back and he had less than a year to live. It's been a very difficult two years since this healing process began. I've had months of nights filled with complete panic as I learned a new reality. I didn't sleep hardly at all for about 3 months because he haunted me in my dreams. I heard my voice being called. I felt him. I smelled him. It was horrible. It truly was a living nightmare. While I still do have night terrors, I'm able now to ground myself in reality. I am still very broken, but God is doing a great work. On June 7th I got a call from my sister that my dad was in the hospital. For some reason the Lord had been stirring forgiveness and reconciliation in my heart, but I was waiting for a clear step to take. This was my step. She called me at 10 on a Thursday and I was in the hospital by 2 pm the next day. Grace #1: my stepmother embraced me rather than telling me to leave.
He never spoke to me. When I got there he was too weak to talk or really move much. He rolled over when I got in the room. When the time came to speak to him, I told him he was forgiven and that God have mercy on him if he asked. I then prayed for him. Shortly after that I was forced to make the decision to remove him from life-support. No one understood what it meant, so I took charge and decided. It was also my responsibility to call my siblings. So I called my pregnant sister and my brother in TN. I was able to give my brother a chance to speak to him one last time. When I got back on my phone, he was crying, "Just tell him about Jesus. Please just tell him about Jesus." My brother is the only other Christian in my family. I left around 10 that night and returned the next afternoon. Come dinner time, two of my siblings, and my stepmom and sister-in-law left to get dinner. The Lord had been speaking to me about my dad's fear of dying. As they left, I had him to myself again. The first thing I said was, "Daddy, sooner or later you will have to let go. It's ok. We'll be ok." I told him he didn't have to fear death. I told him Jesus would walk right into his hospital room and take him by the hand if he asked him to. Then I prayed for him again. He was very agitated, so I sang and prayed over him for a while. I sang the song that I sang at his funeral. I worshipped over him, and I could see a peace finally settle. Around 10pm they came in to draw blood. He's terrifed of needles, but while there was fear in his eyes, he was calm. He didn't move or make a sound, but when they left his breathing became shallow. Having watched people die, I knew what this was so I grabbed the nurse. Even with oxygen his levels were swinging between 70% and 25%. I was calm, but not at the same time. All I could think was, "He's gonna die right here and no one will be around." I tried and could not get a hold of anyone. Finally they came back. My brother and sister-in-law and I left the hospital at 1:20. I got back to the place I was staying, changed into my pj's and received the call. His breathing was getting worse. So, less than 20 minutes since we'd left we returned to the hospital. He was already gone in the 5 minutes it took for us to get there. It was 1:30am. No one left the hospital until 4:30am.
I woke up and led worship at the church I was raised in the next morning. I wasn't trying to impress anyone. But I needed to glorify God even in that time. I knew God was bigger than all my circumstances, than all the abuse my father put me through and denied, than all the grief and pain. And I needed to say it. I left the next day and planned the funeral long distance. When i came back three days later I sang two songs and gave the closing prayer at the funeral. My father was a horrible man who at times seemed to have a good heart. He was terrible in so many ways, but who am I to say that I deserve more grace or mercy than he does. What he did was dispicable. I will never discount it again. But Jesus came for sinners just like that. He came because He loves everyone and doesn't want to see anyone lost.
I am being made whole again.
On a different note: my current predicatment is that I grew up very unfeeling. Out of God's mercy, I shut off all emotion. In doing so I became half a person. Despite all the pain in my life, I've just become able to admit it in the last two years. I could talk about it before, but it's was very separate from my emotions. So now I'm learning that sadness is a part of life and you must actually feel it to overcome it. However, I've also struggled with severe depression and suicidal ideation so sometimes sadness feels like a very dark hole that I will never climb out of. I cannot differentiate the two sometimes.
I feel very broken. I'm stable on my rock, but broken. Slowly the pieces are getting put together. I'm learning triggers. I'm learning to allow myself to feel and not be afraid of it. I'm learning to allow others to love me. Two years ago anyone and everyone could run me over. Now, not only do I have people in my life who accept me and love me and will back me up, but I finally feel capable in many situations to stand up for myself. Having lived with an abusive husband for 2 years, I finally kicked him out and have not allowed him back since because he's not working on himself. I had a boss who said I was "just too curvy" for my clothes. I was perfectly professional modest. I asked several parental friends of mine. I told her she was going to have to take it up with my maker. There is still a part of me that wonders what I did as a 1 year old that was so enticing to my father, but I'm also learning who to blame. I'm an internalizer. That's why emotions are so hard for me. Many times I can't even identify them. Many times I blame myself because I don't know how to give appropriate blame. That's just me and my ongoing struggle in a nutshell... a very large nutshell.
