What is the right manner to deal with this problem

[answers]

Okay, first I would like to start by saying hello to everyone. So, moving to my problem, this particular problem was this past Sunday. We are both in school (online) and had to take our midterms which we each had a two hour time limit. We had many things to get done that day and returned home near 2:00 pm.

My husband, comes to me almost immediately after returning home and says he has to run up to his work to turn on the machines. I said okay, I will wait to start my test until he comes back (we have three kids). Well, I wait for probably a half hour and he still is not home, and I start to worry. (His work is three minutes away)

I finally decide to call and no answer. I wait for approx 5 min and call again. I did this for over a hour. Can you believe not one call. He went to where he typically plays basketball to play and hang out. When he finishes he calls and I was so upset when he said he went up to the court that I hung up. We had many things to do and he partially lied to me (which is not unusual). I had to bring this up to be worked out which is typical, and like always he acted like oops and claimed he felt bad, but I know that is not true. He does things like this all the time. If he wants something, he acts without any regard to me or our kids. He knows I will always be his loyal, loving, trusting (or apparently foolish) wife.

I am at my wits end with this type of behavior. I have tried everything I can think of. We have gone to Christian counseling. I am beginning to question everything. I feel like I am punished every time he does something like this, not him. I do not treat him like this AT ALL. I feel a deep urge to do things to make him feel like I do. I have never done anything to make him hurt, because I love him with all my heart.

I know this example is not that big of a deal, but it hurts me, and time after time these type of actions hurt tremendously. I feel like I do not mean anything to him. How would you deal with this type of behavior from your spouse?
(Behavior: deceitful, inconsiderate, lack of being one, calloused, un remorseful, and no accountability)

 

[Ariel82]

pray that God shows him how hurtful and inconsiderate his actions are.

Forgive him and ask that he be truthful to you. If he isn't going to be there, have him tell you so that you can plan accordingly instead of lie about it.

You can't change his heart, only God can. all you can do is pray and ask God how to deal with it. I read a really good book that talked bout marriage and how to handle different situations, but the main thing is to always keep the other person in prayer and not to go to bed angry.

Eventually he may grow up and be the man God intends for him to be. Remember the reasons why you married him in the first place and be sure to encourage him when he does thoughtful and compassionate things for you and the kids.

 

[answers]

pray that God shows him how hurtful and inconsiderate his actions are.

Forgive him and ask that he be truthful to you. If he isn't going to be there, have him tell you so that you can plan accordingly instead of lie about it.

You can't change his heart, only God can. all you can do is pray and ask God how to deal with it. I read a really good book that talked bout marriage and how to handle different situations, but the main thing is to always keep the other person in prayer and not to go to bed angry.

Eventually he may grow up and be the man God intends for him to be. Remember the reasons why you married him in the first place and be sure to encourage him when he does thoughtful and compassionate things for you and the kids.

I have forgiven him time after time and I most definitely ask for him to be honest with me. He does not have a reason to lie, he just lies. He always tells me that he is not going to do it again, and pretends to have a revelation for new growth, which I fall for every time because I am very forgiving. I never realize he is fooling me until the next time he gets caught in something. Then I feel terrible inside, yet he always seems like he does not care.

I have always had strong faith in Jesus Christ, and now after praying for my husband and myself year after year, I feel weak. I try to not go to bed angry, but he prefers it. He does not give me the time of day to solve any situation. He is not one to care if there is a problem. I will continue to pray for and encourage my husband. Thanks for responding.

 

[BarlyGurl]

You have a really BIG marital problem Sister!!!

 

[Ugly]

Try telling him he can 'oops' and apologize all he wants, but until his actions change you do not accept his excuses or apologies, since he obviously doesn't mean them.

 

[jinx]

One thing I've learned after nearly 21 years of marriage is you can't change your man, only GOD can.
Better start learning to do things on your own (test and stuff) cause it seems he doesn't have the same passion as you do for it so don't let him hold you back. If he wants to fail at it, let him fail on his own.
I kinda agree with ugly about him showing accountability for his apologies, but I'll add this. Forgive him before he apologizes, for your own souls sake. You don't need his baggage weighing you down. But then do what Ugly says and don't fall for it every time he puts those puppy dog eyes on ya. Those things can be evil...LOL. Get ya sucked in every time!!! LOL.
Just tell him, "Mister, I forgive ya, but I don't think you really meant your sorrys, and if that's the case just realize that until I feel you meant them I'm gonna look at your face with a look of unbelief and still have my guard up cause I can't trust ya to tell the truth."
Forgive but don't depend on his word until he can show he can be dependable.

 

[Lucy68]

This is a very hard situation....lying harms ALL relationships. The trust evaporates. I can understand the hurt too....you would think most people understand that respecting your spouse means honoring them and not lying. Yet, he's probably been living like this for a very long time....short term desires take precedence over future consequences. It's become a habit with him. He can, and probably does, love you very much. But he is having a very hard time changing his behavior.

Don't give up! Praying for him and not holding resentment towards him will definitely help him on the spiritual level. But you can also set some consequences for lying or not being considerate of the other family members. Sounds like he has a huge selfish streak. I have a feeling you've known this for awhile. I, too, have a resentment towards my husband that I've been dealing with....he says he's a Christian, yet very seldom demonstrates Christ-like behavior (he's rather selfish...but aren't we all?).

I've been studying Chuck Swindoll's book "Hope Again"...a study of 1 Peter. 1 Peter 2 deals with how Christians should act when we're treated unfairly; 1 Peter 3 talks about how wives should act when living with an unbelieving husband (and/or being treated 'unfairly'). It isn't pleasant reading :

[h=3]1 Peter 3
[/h]New International Version (NIV)


3 Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, [SUP]2 [/SUP]when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. [SUP]3 [/SUP]Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. [SUP]4 [/SUP]Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. [SUP]5 [/SUP]For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves. They submitted themselves to their own husbands, [SUP]6 [/SUP]like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her lord. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.

[SUP]7 [/SUP]Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.


This doesn't mean we allow ourselves to be horribly abused; I think it means that as Christian wives we need to watch our inner attitudes and try to encourage our husbands into being Godly men....without preaching or nagging.

We cannot control other people's behavior, only our own. But for the family to run smoothly guidelines need to be established and followed with reasonable consequences occurring when a member doesn't follow them. A good counselor can help you establish these boundaries and help you to implement them in your family.

Praying for you sister! You're under a lot of pressure with going to school, raising three children, maintaining a household, and dealing with an irresponsible husband. But also look at his 'good' points...not just his not-so-good ones. Because we all have our 'bad' points...areas in our spiritual walk that we need to work on.

God is very pleased when we look to Him for our 'worth'...so try not to be hurt by your husband's thoughtlessness. The One that created You, thinks you're something very special.

 

[homwardbound]

Okay, first I would like to start by saying hello to everyone. So, moving to my problem, this particular problem was this past Sunday. We are both in school (online) and had to take our midterms which we each had a two hour time limit. We had many things to get done that day and returned home near 2:00 pm.

My husband, comes to me almost immediately after returning home and says he has to run up to his work to turn on the machines. I said okay, I will wait to start my test until he comes back (we have three kids). Well, I wait for probably a half hour and he still is not home, and I start to worry. (His work is three minutes away)

I finally decide to call and no answer. I wait for approx 5 min and call again. I did this for over a hour. Can you believe not one call. He went to where he typically plays basketball to play and hang out. When he finishes he calls and I was so upset when he said he went up to the court that I hung up. We had many things to do and he partially lied to me (which is not unusual). I had to bring this up to be worked out which is typical, and like always he acted like oops and claimed he felt bad, but I know that is not true. He does things like this all the time. If he wants something, he acts without any regard to me or our kids. He knows I will always be his loyal, loving, trusting (or apparently foolish) wife.

I am at my wits end with this type of behavior. I have tried everything I can think of. We have gone to Christian counseling. I am beginning to question everything. I feel like I am punished every time he does something like this, not him. I do not treat him like this AT ALL. I feel a deep urge to do things to make him feel like I do. I have never done anything to make him hurt, because I love him with all my heart.

I know this example is not that big of a deal, but it hurts me, and time after time these type of actions hurt tremendously. I feel like I do not mean anything to him. How would you deal with this type of behavior from your spouse?
(Behavior: deceitful, inconsiderate, lack of being one, calloused, un remorseful, and no accountability)

I tell you if you gave him no mind anylonger to what he is doing or not doing and just do your thing knowing he is probably lieing and so therefore expect him not to change and just do your thing as if he is not there anymore.
When he gets no more attention for his mis behavior and sees this in your spirit that you are no longer upset over anything he does or does not do.
You will get his attention if he really cares fro you. If you do not get his attention over you moving on and not caring then He does not care and is taking advantage of you and your love for him
It sounds to me as he gets attention over being bad and this could be from childhood onward to here in the marriage
But I tell you your Spirit has to be behind your new actions of you do not care anylonger, showing him as he is free so are you.
Again if he cares you will see this, yet it probably will take awhile depending on how long this has been going on. We being human get conditioned to this world and behaviors
A bad thing of lying starts out a practice and when one gets away with it it becomes a habit, then a characteristic then a trait and is always rewarded by somneone being upset to them over it, because in that one minds eye it shows you care and then the behavior continues everytime to the point it is at now
Hope this helps to see beyond the physical into the soul

 

[BarlyGurl]

THat is a very good solution plan homewardbound!

 

[answers]

I tell you if you gave him no mind anylonger to what he is doing or not doing and just do your thing knowing he is probably lieing and so therefore expect him not to change and just do your thing as if he is not there anymore.
When he gets no more attention for his mis behavior and sees this in your spirit that you are no longer upset over anything he does or does not do.
You will get his attention if he really cares fro you. If you do not get his attention over you moving on and not caring then He does not care and is taking advantage of you and your love for him
It sounds to me as he gets attention over being bad and this could be from childhood onward to here in the marriage
But I tell you your Spirit has to be behind your new actions of you do not care anylonger, showing him as he is free so are you.
Again if he cares you will see this, yet it probably will take awhile depending on how long this has been going on. We being human get conditioned to this world and behaviors
A bad thing of lying starts out a practice and when one gets away with it it becomes a habit, then a characteristic then a trait and is always rewarded by somneone being upset to them over it, because in that one minds eye it shows you care and then the behavior continues everytime to the point it is at now
Hope this helps to see beyond the physical into the soul

Goodness, I wish I could move on or get distracted, but I cannot. I am not sure if it is because I am scared to or because I do not know how. I have been with him since I was sixteen. My life has consisted of him and our kids. I do not have friends besides him and other relatives.
I am stuck in this rut and I want to act like I do not notice him or his actions, and believe me when I say I have tried. I have even tried in arguments and he gets more mean until I cannot help, but cry.

Also, I have to admit, I am a problem solver and it drives me crazy to have animosity between us. I do not necessarily care if it ends in my favor, but I do like to be heard. I tend to let things go quickly and drop the problem just so we can move on. I know, doormat! Pathetic right?

I know you are right and somehow I need to figure a way to ignore. Thank you

 

[dashadow]

I've been struggling with the understanding I can't change the behavior of my spouse. Behavior I believe is harmful to our marriage. Although, I have to admit, I am not innocent with regard to our marital problems. The main difference being that I'm trying to improve the situation. After sixteen years of marriage, and less improvement than I'd like to see, I've been allowing myself to get discouraged.

It has helped to just share my frustration. But I realize I have to give it to God. Pushing for change usually results in more resistance. I have to trust God to work things out. Fortunately, I don't have to deal with dishonesty. So I realize your situation is more of a challenge. I pray things work out for you and your husband. Home should be a place of harmony.

 

[homwardbound]

Goodness, I wish I could move on or get distracted, but I cannot. I am not sure if it is because I am scared to or because I do not know how. I have been with him since I was sixteen. My life has consisted of him and our kids. I do not have friends besides him and other relatives.
I am stuck in this rut and I want to act like I do not notice him or his actions, and believe me when I say I have tried. I have even tried in arguments and he gets more mean until I cannot help, but cry.

Also, I have to admit, I am a problem solver and it drives me crazy to have animosity between us. I do not necessarily care if it ends in my favor, but I do like to be heard. I tend to let things go quickly and drop the problem just so we can move on. I know, doormat! Pathetic right?

I know you are right and somehow I need to figure a way to ignore. Thank you

I do not think so much as a way to ignore, all that is, is a cover up, a sweeping of dirt under the carpet.
How about seek a way to be at peace no matter what the outcome, live in God above rules and regulations, tell God you trust God and God will cover you and protect you, ask for God's words in all situations especially in this one.
Matthew 10 has a great example of trust to the disciples as they would go to the world and preach the good news.
I remember this because it is the Holy Ghost that gives the right words at the right time with such logic that none of the opponents are able to reply

 

[TheAristocat]

I feel a deep urge to do things to make him feel like I do.

Trust me, you don't want to get on God's bad side. Do what you think is right. If there's a fool here the only one is your husband for treating God's daughter this way.

Romans 12:19 Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord.

Colossians 3:24-25 Remember that you will get your reward from the Lord. He will give you what you should receive. You are working for the Lord Christ. If anyone does wrong, he will suffer for it. God does not respect one person more than another.

Trust God to remain true to his words. Don't hate him, because that will cause you to stumble into sin as well.

 

[Outsider]

You said the two of you tried Christian counseling. I wonder why that didn't work. What has your counselor been telling the two of you to do?

Love is a two way street, you can't be the one who does all the work. If your husband is constantly lying to you, there is a problem and it's one you must continue to address. Unless Homwardbound is right, and your husband is lying to you for attention, ignoring the problem isn't going to fix anything.

If your husband is playing your counselor as a fool, find a new one that wont be fooled so easily. I'd offer you advice, but I honestly don't know the best course of action for you to take. It's one thing to give advice to a regular couple, but when the couple has children, that's when things get much more complicated.

 

[Duckies]

Hi theres , lying is a tough situation, i have lived in this in the past with dad and even my step dad. This is really hard to overcome. Id recommed asking God to put in you his will in regards to your issue and asking someone capable in church to put a few sessions to orientate the both of you. Sometimes the problem is that he doesnt trust him self or both of you, or sometimes we humans need to be reminded that that we must take better care of what we have before its lost (in this case he might be lost and needs a little push back). Remember, always approach an issue with love, care and kidness...rule of thumb, never dish out a feeling you wouldnt want to experience yourself. God Bless You and I'll be praying for the both of you.

 

[MrsAsghar]

Thank God above I waited for Gods best to come into my life and I never have to worry about such things. My husband and I were made for each other. We both have each others best interest at heart, we would never think to be that selfish and inconsiderate of the other. We genuinely care for one another, are concerned and worry about each other. The other always comes first before ourselves. To me this is true God given love by two people who put God first in their lives and want to live the way God intended a married couple to live. We are very blessed, and we are very happy. That is what we want most for each other, I want him to always be happy so I place him first before myself and my needs, and he does the same. He always wants to see me happy and never ever to cry. My needs come first before his own. And to me, that is how a marriage is suppose to be. We are so blessed to have found each other. We are very respectful of one another.

So I feel for you and I am sorry that your husband feels being selfish is more important than his wife and her needs. At least this is what I am understanding from what I read on your post. It is very sad. Know that we will be praying for you and your family.

 

[sunnygurl]

It appears your husband is unfeeling towards your needs and lacking in his responisbilities as both Husband and father.
God has placed him at the head of the household to lead his family and God expects a return from His investment. I agree with howardbound this may be something that is ingrained from his childhood.

I am a firm believer in treating others as you want to be treated, however I admire you answers this is not how you want to act towards your husband. You do have responsibility in how you allow others to treat you and being a doormat as you put it is not how God wants you to be used. I think God prefers if we His daugthers were more a beautiful painting to be admire, treasured and enjoyed ... so sister you need to shake ya mat off and become the picture God designed you to be.

Love and forgiveness are actions (not empty words) these should be what your husband expresses towards you my dear sister.
Don't doubt yourself for when we came to our end God is waiting with His arms wide open to embrace our tired and hurting hearts. Hold on tight to God He has great plans for your family and HE longs to humble your husbands heart.

Your entire family will be in my prayers and may God work mightly within your husband to remove the rose coloured glasses of self and to see the pain behind your smile and hurt within your dear sweet heart.