What to do...

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Kita89

Guest
#1
#1
Im new to this but i was needing some advice on what i should do because im driving myself crazy.My husband and I have had a lot of financial issues and due to that we had to move in with my parents back in march.He's had 6 jobs since we lost our place and in his defence he wasnt making enough with those jobs.He just literally started a new good paying job last week.My husband and I had a really good relationship/marriage until i noticed that he had a habit of telling lies and i talked to him about it several times and how it bothered me and that we have to have trust and anyways i just put it on the back burner and let it go hoping he would stop lying which didnt happen but i just let it go and continued to have a good relationship with him and enjoy each others company.The lies he told to me were small and not a big deal to me at the time and i was able to quickly forgive and forget.Since he started this new job things have changed from bad to worse with his lying and we have got into several arguments because he accused me of having an affair and God is my witness didnt happen.I dont even have anything to do with the opposite sex.Anyways the same day that we got into that argument he goes and tells my mom all sorts of lies.He said that i spend all his money on myself and that i have hit him before which has never ever happened and that i wont let him buy work boots and that he has blisters on his feet.In other words he tried to make me out to be a monster.So my mom told me everything he said yesterday and when he got home from work i told him what she told me and asked him why.First he lied and said that all his money does go on me and then after awhile he said that he doesnt know why he said those things but that he feels like he never has money for himself and that it gets spent on me and my three yr old daughter and that he wants to buy a lot of things for himself but he cant because of me and my daughter.I only use money on necessities and bills.I do not and can not afford to buy anything for myself.I just dont know what to do or say to him.It seems to me like he wants a divorce and that my child and I are standing in his way from whatever it is he wants to get.I didnt say anything to him after he told me that i didnt what to say.It really hurts and im just in shock.He has repeatedly said that family means everything to him.He could careless about money and material things.
 
sandtigeress

sandtigeress

Senior Member
#2
Apr 29, 2013
526
16
18
#2
He seems to Be overwelmed by Life and what he assumes, Is His failure to provide enough for all of you.
I do Not Know what you can do, apart from praying.
Perhaps the Others have more knowledge.

I'm praying for you and your Hutband.
 
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kenisyes

Guest
#3
#3
My guess is the lying is how your husband is reacting to the stress of having to provide for you and a daughter. Worrying about if he can succeed at the job is probably the hardest thing he has to do on the job. I do not know what the first lies were, but see if they fit this pattern: First, the jobs were too hard or not the right kind, next you must be not a good wife somehow. You must at least be having an affair. Then, he moves to complaining to your mother, like if she can fix it, which is silly, because a mother will always take the daughter's side, but he needs to see to what extent you are against him.

When a person can't do something, there are always two possible reasons: 1. The person is incompetent or inferior, or 2. It would be too hard a thing for anybody to do. If you reject the first (as you will if you are young and have a poor self-image), you need to make up lies to prove the second.

Assuming that's what he is thinking, you need to be part of the solution, and he needs to see it that way. Maybe your parents taking you guys in, is the practical solution, but maybe in his mind, it puts you in charge of the whole problem, and thus its cause. I won't do more details on this idea, if this much helps you see what I am thinking. You and he need to consider this your joint problem, and if his share seems too much for him, he needs to see you as willing to take on more. I'm not sure just what you should say to make that happen, but God would not send you such a challenge, if He did not send you a way out. You and your husband need to seek Him together for a joint solution.
 
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Lucy68

Senior Member
#4
Jan 21, 2011
2,538
22
0
#4
Do you think he would go to counseling with you? It may help you both to deal with stress. Stress can make us lash out in all directions without addressing the real issue.

Lying always destroys trust so this is the first thing to work on. Do you go to church together? Growing a Christian marriage is a must for having a healthy relationship.

Praying for you both....wisdom, guidance, honesty, and forgiveness.
 
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Ariel82

Guest
#5
#5
would your parents be able to babysit and for you to get a job?

I could give you some money saving types but you might already know them and be using them:

don't eat out, buy things on sale, by generic not brand name.

plan meals for the week. don't buy soda drinks and if MUST have it buy the 2 liter and not the tiny little bottles.

put your change in a piggy bank. try saving a little to buy presents for your husband, like good work boots and things.

when you catch him in a lie. don't say anything at first. just hug him and say "I love you" and look him in the eye.

it sounds like his lying is a bad habit he picked up when stressed, like biting his nails. perhaps he does it because he gets a lot of attention for it. like kids, husbands like to have lots of attention. granted a different type but still, i would find time to listen to him and his needs before he starts lying or setting up an act.

often there are tiny little things that will tell you something is bother him. things you probably noticed but never really thought about.

i don't know if it would help, but perhaps if you pack his lunch for work, you could put little love notes tell him how much you appreciate what he does, that you love him. or ideas of things you can do together whenever you both get back on your feet.

sidenote: packing lunch instead of eating out saves money too.
 
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