Can I have some advice in dealing with a housemate?

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Sep 15, 2021
119
59
28
#1
First of all, apologies, this isn't directly linked to the Bible, although I'm always happy to hear from scripture.

I have an issue. Today, as I left the shower I noticed a plaster (band-aid for the Americans) I had around my finger had fallen off...I didn't think much of this, as it had mostly healed.

I came downstairs, and one of my housemates, a man twice my age said "I found your plaster in the bathroom...so I made sure I put it in the f$%*ing bin!"

I wasn't sure whether to apologise or thank him...so I mumbled something of both. I saw him again five minutes and he said "I felt I had to say something...how would you feel if you found a used plaster on the floor?"

I told him I personally wouldn't mind, particularly if it was a one-off occurance. He seemed surprised at my response, and then re-assured me that everything was fine.

He also has complained that the bathroom floor is wet after I take a shower, and that the kitchen floor is wet after the cleaners have mopped it.

Is he being unreasonable? Am I being inconsiderate? Please let me know. WWJD?
 

Dino246

Senior Member
Jun 30, 2015
19,315
10,611
113
#2
Firstly, for future reference, the Family Forum is a great place for this issue. :)

Secondly, what the (***) are you doing sharing a house with a man twice your age, if he isn't your father? None of my business, but it does seem rather... inappropriate. You have another roommate who is female, I hope.

Thirdly, yes, he's being unreasonable. You apologized for the "plaster". The wet floor after mopping isn't your problem.

Fourthly, use a bath mat. ;)
 

Laura798

Well-known member
Jun 6, 2020
1,220
494
83
#3
First of all, apologies, this isn't directly linked to the Bible, although I'm always happy to hear from scripture.

I have an issue. Today, as I left the shower I noticed a plaster (band-aid for the Americans) I had around my finger had fallen off...I didn't think much of this, as it had mostly healed.

I came downstairs, and one of my housemates, a man twice my age said "I found your plaster in the bathroom...so I made sure I put it in the f$%*ing bin!"

I wasn't sure whether to apologise or thank him...so I mumbled something of both. I saw him again five minutes and he said "I felt I had to say something...how would you feel if you found a used plaster on the floor?"

I told him I personally wouldn't mind, particularly if it was a one-off occurance. He seemed surprised at my response, and then re-assured me that everything was fine.

He also has complained that the bathroom floor is wet after I take a shower, and that the kitchen floor is wet after the cleaners have mopped it.

Is he being unreasonable? Am I being inconsiderate? Please let me know. WWJD?
I'll just say its an odd response--obviously it fell off and you didn't know it at the time--I'd wait until tomorrow and say something. like, "I felt uncomfortable with the way you spoke with me yesterday over the plaster -- I didn't realize it had fallen off--of course if I did I would have put it in the trash bin--is there something else your angry about? I'd like us to get along and it would be helpful if you could make a request without getting angry." Sandwich it with, "I'm sorry the floor was wet and I'll be more careful about that"-- I personally wrap my hair and dry off in the shower before I get out-I don't like the mat to be wet either

Honestly, if this is the way he is all the time then I would find a new housemate--and really vet them--meaning background check and references. Hope all goes well-things like that stick with me and I'll think on it and be upset about it, especially when it wasn't something intentional.
 

JohnDB

Well-known member
Jan 16, 2021
1,432
805
113
#4
Apologies for the North Americans who don't understand...

But yes...
People are funny about bathrooms. They feel extremely vulnerable in them. So they don't like to feel like it is shared space. They want it pristine condition like it's never been used.

The wet floors after cleaners have been used can be extremely uncomfortable to some people on bare feet.

So...yes... trying to be a bit neater is good. Granted he could be a lot more grace filled or accommodating himself...

Just yet another cross to bear.
 

Nehemiah6

Senior Member
Jul 18, 2017
16,099
7,934
113
#5
Is he being unreasonable?
You are dealing with a nut case. Whining about a band-aid on the floor and using foul language? Expecting a dry floor after showers and moppings? You should move out and find other accommodations. This person is crazy.
 

CS1

Well-known member
May 23, 2012
9,160
2,871
113
#6
First of all, apologies, this isn't directly linked to the Bible, although I'm always happy to hear from scripture.

I have an issue. Today, as I left the shower I noticed a plaster (band-aid for the Americans) I had around my finger had fallen off...I didn't think much of this, as it had mostly healed.

I came downstairs, and one of my housemates, a man twice my age said "I found your plaster in the bathroom...so I made sure I put it in the f$%*ing bin!"

I wasn't sure whether to apologise or thank him...so I mumbled something of both. I saw him again five minutes and he said "I felt I had to say something...how would you feel if you found a used plaster on the floor?"

I told him I personally wouldn't mind, particularly if it was a one-off occurance. He seemed surprised at my response, and then re-assured me that everything was fine.

He also has complained that the bathroom floor is wet after I take a shower, and that the kitchen floor is wet after the cleaners have mopped it.

Is he being unreasonable? Am I being inconsiderate? Please let me know. WWJD?

move out. should not be living with a man twice your age.
 

Jocund

Active member
Jan 14, 2021
661
225
43
#7
Has he ever had athlete's foot (fungal infection of the feet)? He might just be fearful of conditions that he feels might lead to a reoccuring infection. Stepping on wet floors and used bandages can lead to conditions where an infection can take hold.

You see oversensitivity in a lot of cases where something bad happens to someone, they research or survey their environment for possible risk factors that plausibly contribute to the reoccurence of the event, and then aggressively address those environmental conditions to an extent that others might not perceive as normal. If this behaviour is trained fair enough back in the past, the person might not even be consciously aware of why they respond to the stimuli in the way that they do. "It's just always been that way" and they might assume that everyone has the same innate response or trigger to those same environmental conditions.

The fact that he tried to circle back to say "how would you feel if I did the same thing" is a way of expressing that he thinks his criticism was fair (and it is also an implicit invitation for you to apply the same corrections to his behaviour regarding bandage disposal). If he had a puzzled look at your answer, he is likely absorbing the contradiction between your honesty (as seen by visual facial cues) and his expectation about how someone would respond. Give it time and if he is an honest man you will see an adaptation in his behaviour as his mind resolves the disconnect between objective observation and the expectation. The fact that he circled back to ask that question, even if it might have seemed gruff or abrasive, is actually a good thing and shows that he cares enough to try to build a mutual understanding.

Based on what you've said, it sounds like you took the "turn the other cheek" approach, which is good. It is important to have the patience and inner forgiveness so to not bottle it up and regrettably retaliate later on. Through kindness and understanding we "heap burning coals over our enemy's head" by causing them to second-guess their transgressive behaviour (this is to say that their behaviour is the enemy, not necessarily them as a person)... But importantly, also with that same kindness and compassion we "heap burning coals" over the enemy within by helping us to conquer our own impulses to wantonly "get even" or guard our self-perceptions at the expense of peace.

Sometimes the balance of power is a complicated thing. Based on your initial reaction to the situation it sounds like you have a good instinct for patience and kindness. What does your instinct say generally about the scenario?
 
Sep 15, 2021
119
59
28
#8
Firstly, for future reference, the Family Forum is a great place for this issue. :)

Secondly, what the (***) are you doing sharing a house with a man twice your age, if he isn't your father? None of my business, but it does seem rather... inappropriate. You have another roommate who is female, I hope.

Thirdly, yes, he's being unreasonable. You apologized for the "plaster". The wet floor after mopping isn't your problem.

Fourthly, use a bath mat. ;)
I live in a house share. I could theoretically be living with adults of any gender and all ages.

Should I have apologised? Was it necessary of him to talk to me?
 

jb

Senior Member
Feb 27, 2010
4,473
391
83
#9
1) Is he being unreasonable?

2) Am I being inconsiderate?

3) Please let me know.

4)WWJD?
1) Yes!

2) No...

3) Done

4) What does "WWJD" stand for?

Thanks...

PS: There's no way I'd want to put up with a whining old man (or indeed women)!
 
Sep 15, 2021
119
59
28
#10
I'll just say its an odd response--obviously it fell off and you didn't know it at the time--I'd wait until tomorrow and say something. like, "I felt uncomfortable with the way you spoke with me yesterday over the plaster -- I didn't realize it had fallen off--of course if I did I would have put it in the trash bin--is there something else your angry about? I'd like us to get along and it would be helpful if you could make a request without getting angry." Sandwich it with, "I'm sorry the floor was wet and I'll be more careful about that"-- I personally wrap my hair and dry off in the shower before I get out-I don't like the mat to be wet either

Honestly, if this is the way he is all the time then I would find a new housemate--and really vet them--meaning background check and references. Hope all goes well-things like that stick with me and I'll think on it and be upset about it, especially when it wasn't something intentional.
Thank you for your advice.

I have no choice in the housemates I have.
 
Sep 15, 2021
119
59
28
#11
1) Yes!

2) No...

3) Done

4) What does "WWJD" stand for?

Thanks...

PS: There's no way I'd want to put up with a whining old man (or indeed women)!
Thank you.

"What would Jesus do" :)
 

TheLearner

Well-known member
Jan 14, 2019
3,745
644
113
#13
First of all, apologies, this isn't directly linked to the Bible, although I'm always happy to hear from scripture.

I have an issue. Today, as I left the shower I noticed a plaster (band-aid for the Americans) I had around my finger had fallen off...I didn't think much of this, as it had mostly healed.

I came downstairs, and one of my housemates, a man twice my age said "I found your plaster in the bathroom...so I made sure I put it in the f$%*ing bin!"

I wasn't sure whether to apologise or thank him...so I mumbled something of both. I saw him again five minutes and he said "I felt I had to say something...how would you feel if you found a used plaster on the floor?"

I told him I personally wouldn't mind, particularly if it was a one-off occurance. He seemed surprised at my response, and then re-assured me that everything was fine.

He also has complained that the bathroom floor is wet after I take a shower, and that the kitchen floor is wet after the cleaners have mopped it.

Is he being unreasonable? Am I being inconsiderate? Please let me know. WWJD?
He was being a jerk. Ask him not to swear around you.

Check out the book from the library Don't Let Jerks Get The Best Of You Advice For Dealing With Difficult People
.
https://www.amazon.com/Jerks-Advice-Dealing-Difficult-People/dp/0785280197 has copies for 32 cents.
 

TheLearner

Well-known member
Jan 14, 2019
3,745
644
113
#14
I live in a house share. I could theoretically be living with adults of any gender and all ages.

Should I have apologised? Was it necessary of him to talk to me?
You did not do it on purpose, so no apology needed. A thank you would be in place.
 
Sep 15, 2021
119
59
28
#15
You are dealing with a nut case. Whining about a band-aid on the floor and using foul language? Expecting a dry floor after showers and moppings? You should move out and find other accommodations. This person is crazy.
Yes and one another occasion I spilled some coffee on the floor after leaving the shower. After coming downstairs after getting dressed he left a message on the fridge calling whoever spilled the coffee an "f-ing c***". I confronted him about this. He apologised, because he thought it was "someone else" whom spilled the coffee (that makes no difference as to how rude this was).
 

TheLearner

Well-known member
Jan 14, 2019
3,745
644
113
#16
1) Yes!

2) No...

3) Done

4) What does "WWJD" stand for?

Thanks...

PS: There's no way I'd want to put up with a whining old man (or indeed women)!
What would Jesus Do = WWJD

I think Jesus would have turned him into a pig to match his personality after sharing the Gospel with him.

You may want to share the Gospel with him --- it will likely make him move out or accept our lord.
 
Sep 15, 2021
119
59
28
#17
Has he ever had athlete's foot (fungal infection of the feet)? He might just be fearful of conditions that he feels might lead to a reoccuring infection. Stepping on wet floors and used bandages can lead to conditions where an infection can take hold.

You see oversensitivity in a lot of cases where something bad happens to someone, they research or survey their environment for possible risk factors that plausibly contribute to the reoccurence of the event, and then aggressively address those environmental conditions to an extent that others might not perceive as normal. If this behaviour is trained fair enough back in the past, the person might not even be consciously aware of why they respond to the stimuli in the way that they do. "It's just always been that way" and they might assume that everyone has the same innate response or trigger to those same environmental conditions.

The fact that he tried to circle back to say "how would you feel if I did the same thing" is a way of expressing that he thinks his criticism was fair (and it is also an implicit invitation for you to apply the same corrections to his behaviour regarding bandage disposal). If he had a puzzled look at your answer, he is likely absorbing the contradiction between your honesty (as seen by visual facial cues) and his expectation about how someone would respond. Give it time and if he is an honest man you will see an adaptation in his behaviour as his mind resolves the disconnect between objective observation and the expectation. The fact that he circled back to ask that question, even if it might have seemed gruff or abrasive, is actually a good thing and shows that he cares enough to try to build a mutual understanding.

Based on what you've said, it sounds like you took the "turn the other cheek" approach, which is good. It is important to have the patience and inner forgiveness so to not bottle it up and regrettably retaliate later on. Through kindness and understanding we "heap burning coals over our enemy's head" by causing them to second-guess their transgressive behaviour (this is to say that their behaviour is the enemy, not necessarily them as a person)... But importantly, also with that same kindness and compassion we "heap burning coals" over the enemy within by helping us to conquer our own impulses to wantonly "get even" or guard our self-perceptions at the expense of peace.

Sometimes the balance of power is a complicated thing. Based on your initial reaction to the situation it sounds like you have a good instinct for patience and kindness. What does your instinct say generally about the scenario?
Thank you for such a lengthy response.

I do not know if he has had athlete's foot.

He is an honest man, which is one thing I appreciate about him.

I hope he will learn from this, but I will likely speak to him about this in an appropriate instance. I will not be staying the household much longer, and I need to aware him to the fact that whomever is moving into my room will not be as patient, understanding, reasonable or perhaps even as clean tidy as I am. I have looked at other house shares in the area and not one of them is as clean and tidy as the one I am living in currently.

I have told him before to be grateful that if the worst thing we have to deal with is someone being a bit messy we are lucky. I have had to share the house with alcoholics, drug users, criminals etc. In one instance an alcoholic in his 50s defecated on the bathroom floor. He also drunkenly wandered into my room one night.
 

CS1

Well-known member
May 23, 2012
9,160
2,871
113
#18
I live in a house share. I could theoretically be living with adults of any gender and all ages.

Should I have apologised? Was it necessary of him to talk to me?
as you said this thread is in the wrong location. I do not find any book of the bible named old men and young women in the house
 

Laura798

Well-known member
Jun 6, 2020
1,220
494
83
#20
Thank you for your advice.

I have no choice in the housemates I have.
Youre welcome, Salome. If possible, in your next house share Check wirh your church or orher churches in the area and see if there are other young women who would like to rent a place together or pehaps rent a room in a home wirh one orher female.
Also see if there is any type of organization that might help match housemates— just an idea. I personally would not feel comfortable gaving male housemates. I read other post about note on fridge—- thats creepy.