M
Ive got some bad relationships. A few siblings but also the occasional person online Ive treated badly.
I want to use this space to explore my feelings and process some thoughts in regard to spiritual progress.
I can be a stubborn egotist at times. I'm sure my brothers would be able to give you an interesting profile of my weird and at times antagonistic behaviour.
Sibling 1
Ive got some resentments over this guy. he bullied me when I was younger. Nothings too traumatic but enough for it to stick in my head for 50 years. I still cant fully be myself around him. I hate myself for not speaking my mind around him. I know he would zero in on my weaknesses and dismiss me with as 'stupid" like he does with so many other people. He can be dismissive and dogmatic and sound very sure of himself. I don't think he is as intelligent as he thinks he is. he has been successful in life. His reputation is mostly one of respect but a few other people have found him a bullying type as well. im not here to write this guy off now but I really wish I could just remove him from my mind. I feel guilty for not loving him. I know I should but it is hard just to be in his presence. Respectful distance would be ideal but sometimes that is unlikely and hard to achieve. I'm asking God to solve this one. it is beyond me.
Sibling 2
A younger one I dismissed as a narcissist last time I spoke/texted him. That is over a year now. Guess I should pick up the phone and apologize. But resentment too built up with him. I allowed him to dominate conversations for too long. He used me as a sounding board for too long. I finally exploded. Lord help me with this one. I wish him well as I do Sibling 1of course. But not sure I want to engage just yet. I pray for his health and happiness and soul of course. But my soul is the one that is in jeopardy I fear. Lord, can you sort this one out? If Jesus is truly in me, then surely He can work miracles.
I need to die to my need to be loved by my family. At the same time I need to learn to listen without being haunted by past bad vibes. That is the real challenge. Sometimes I think Ive dug my own grave. And cant see a way out.
Ive got other issues in my life like low paid employment and not much hope of change on the horizon. Plus physical issues making walking difficult.
But no more than anybody else. Lord Im not special but I need some reassurance but things will work out. I need to trust you I know. I really believe you exist but yet I feel so distant so often. Give me some endurance. Give me some more faith. Especially those bad relationships with my family. get me to listen to you instead of those unhelpful thoughts I hear every day. Satan must think he almost has me for keeps. Such cynicism and despair surrounds me at times. Help me to hang in there.
I want to use this space to explore my feelings and process some thoughts in regard to spiritual progress.
I can be a stubborn egotist at times. I'm sure my brothers would be able to give you an interesting profile of my weird and at times antagonistic behaviour.
Sibling 1
Ive got some resentments over this guy. he bullied me when I was younger. Nothings too traumatic but enough for it to stick in my head for 50 years. I still cant fully be myself around him. I hate myself for not speaking my mind around him. I know he would zero in on my weaknesses and dismiss me with as 'stupid" like he does with so many other people. He can be dismissive and dogmatic and sound very sure of himself. I don't think he is as intelligent as he thinks he is. he has been successful in life. His reputation is mostly one of respect but a few other people have found him a bullying type as well. im not here to write this guy off now but I really wish I could just remove him from my mind. I feel guilty for not loving him. I know I should but it is hard just to be in his presence. Respectful distance would be ideal but sometimes that is unlikely and hard to achieve. I'm asking God to solve this one. it is beyond me.
Sibling 2
A younger one I dismissed as a narcissist last time I spoke/texted him. That is over a year now. Guess I should pick up the phone and apologize. But resentment too built up with him. I allowed him to dominate conversations for too long. He used me as a sounding board for too long. I finally exploded. Lord help me with this one. I wish him well as I do Sibling 1of course. But not sure I want to engage just yet. I pray for his health and happiness and soul of course. But my soul is the one that is in jeopardy I fear. Lord, can you sort this one out? If Jesus is truly in me, then surely He can work miracles.
I need to die to my need to be loved by my family. At the same time I need to learn to listen without being haunted by past bad vibes. That is the real challenge. Sometimes I think Ive dug my own grave. And cant see a way out.
Ive got other issues in my life like low paid employment and not much hope of change on the horizon. Plus physical issues making walking difficult.
But no more than anybody else. Lord Im not special but I need some reassurance but things will work out. I need to trust you I know. I really believe you exist but yet I feel so distant so often. Give me some endurance. Give me some more faith. Especially those bad relationships with my family. get me to listen to you instead of those unhelpful thoughts I hear every day. Satan must think he almost has me for keeps. Such cynicism and despair surrounds me at times. Help me to hang in there.
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