The other day I saw the manifestation of something that I had spoken into existence. I recall the dreaded feeling that urges you to throw up every part of your soul into the laps of those seated around you. I remember the feeling of dizziness and queasiness that comes with a lack of will to sustain normalcy. I was done pretending and so I said “I have to talk about my addiction to porn” to no one and someone.
There are a million things that I can think of that day but none that I can actually place into the very forefront of my memory. I recall the restriction of air into my lungs though when I read “…we would like you to share your testimony on purity…”. Purity? Someone mentioned that in the same breath as me? Surely they meant that I should find someone to speak for them…right? Air escapes.
20 minutes. I resuscitate my consciousness and explore my drafts – nothing. I had unconsciously yet consciously not responded. Nothing had been said to or for my indecision and so, I gulped in my own reprimand. I waged war on the war that was already lit in the focus of my mind and took another look at my definitions and realized that the intelligence I thought I was, was actually a rout under the gauze of Holiness. Nothing could prepare me for the vocabulary stampede that erupted at 25 minutes. A silent cacophony erupted over my body. Hot and cold were my fists, so hot and cold that my fingers would reach for the Y, E, S that my heart was beating. My mind said – N, O but spirit was yielding to a faint G, O. “God,” I prayed, “…what?!” I said. “Do it.” He said.
There are a million things that I can think of that day but none that I can actually place into the very forefront of my memory. I recall the restriction of air into my lungs though when I read “…we would like you to share your testimony on purity…”. Purity? Someone mentioned that in the same breath as me? Surely they meant that I should find someone to speak for them…right? Air escapes.
20 minutes. I resuscitate my consciousness and explore my drafts – nothing. I had unconsciously yet consciously not responded. Nothing had been said to or for my indecision and so, I gulped in my own reprimand. I waged war on the war that was already lit in the focus of my mind and took another look at my definitions and realized that the intelligence I thought I was, was actually a rout under the gauze of Holiness. Nothing could prepare me for the vocabulary stampede that erupted at 25 minutes. A silent cacophony erupted over my body. Hot and cold were my fists, so hot and cold that my fingers would reach for the Y, E, S that my heart was beating. My mind said – N, O but spirit was yielding to a faint G, O. “God,” I prayed, “…what?!” I said. “Do it.” He said.
