Hi Sunshine_debbie, I"ve read several of your posts. You seem very sincere, but also troubled in your thought life. I have learned not to interpret the word of God based on my own experiences or the experiences of others, no matter how difficult the circumstances appear to be. God's will, according to His word is for you to have a sound mind and not to be tormented by fearful thinking.
I want to encourage you to increase, and put into practice, 'trusting God' and trusting His word. There is never a time in our lives when we look at our circumstances and say 'I've done all I can do and nothing works'. There is a patient trusting that needs to develop in the life of every believer. If we place more faith in our circumstances than in God's ability to overcome them, this can produce doubt in what we think, and what we say, and we can quickly find ourselves speaking words which convince us to accept a very destructive way of thinking, which then has the potential to bring about self fulfilling prophecies.
I believe that you're christian, and I don't doubt that your struggle is very real, but God doesn't assign sicknesses and mentally troubling conditions. Many times these things can't be explained, but it doesn't change the fact that God is not the tormentor. God said come to me, and I will give you rest. He said, I have come that you might have life in abundance. He also said, I have given you power over all the works of the enemy.
When we are seemingly not in control of our thought life, it is easy to develop a distrust of others, and even of God. I simply want to encourage you to begin to war against those negative thoughts, and negative words, which express your opinion about your situation instead of agreeing with God's word, and His perception of your circumstances. I encourage you to do this, not by simply introducing positive thoughts, but by introducing God's word into your thought life, and developing a sense of expectancy.
I copied this post from a previous thread where you had commented:
But now, I have hope at least I know that God might not heal me, but he will help me to live with my condition. I know that even if God chooses to let me die (which is how I feel and what I am afraid of), then he will also take me to Heaven and let me live with him in a sin free life, with the energy and stamina to love him and sing his praises every minute of the day. I will on longer hurt or feel this crippling pain and fear.
I also know that God may choose to allow this to stay with me. That it is more important to refine my character then make me feel ok. I know that I may end up drooling in a mental institution, but as long as I can still read my Bible and pray, that is all God requires of me.
It is easy to envision the grief, and the sorrow, as you accurately expound upon your position of hopelessness and despair, but you may be overlooking the fact that God's restorative power is for you, 'in this life', right now. When you are powerless, God is not, when you're not faithful, he stays faithful. I encourage you to find out what God's word says and realize that He wants to be your comfort, your hiding place, and your strength.
I encourage you, not to simply read, but to remember scriptures which will counter the negative thoughts that are supporting your state of mind.
Psalm 91 is my favorite psalm, and it reveals God's true desire for His people. Learn to stand on His word, cling to it, and respectfully hold God accountable to perform His promises in your life. God has not given us a spirit of fear, but He has given us a spirit of love, of power and soundness of mind.