Abuse of powers

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Aug 30, 2018
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#1
This is difficult and I may be being paranoid and a little over sensitive (my wife says this of me). There is a very powerful and senior man within our church who I feel is far too friendly with my wife, when we arrive at church or at any meeting where our paths cross he makes straight for us and is way too touchy feeley with my wife, laughing and joking and the like, and recently he has made a point of sitting next to her at prayers. I have not said anything because my wife would be mortified and he has many, many friends within our church. Should I approach him and voice my concerns?
 

Dino246

Senior Member
Jun 30, 2015
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#2
You're not being paranoid. It is your responsibility to protect your wife. What are her thoughts and feelings on the subject? Being mortified is a small thing compared to being the target of inappropriate attention.

You might try intercepting him... firmly. Step between him and your wife when he approaches. Switch seats at prayer so you're between them. Make it clear by your body language that you are not allowing his behaviour to go unnoticed. Make sure your wife is on board with you... she can turn away from him at the same time.

If your wife is not comfortable with the man's attention or with confronting him about it, feel free to do so yourself, privately, clearly, and directly. If he continues, take her with you. If he still continues, go to the elders. That's the biblical way to handle it.

If he tries to manipulate the situation or cause trouble for you, go straight to the elders or pastor, whoever has more authority in your congregation. Be clear, and address the behaviour that is unacceptable.

One more thing... because he is "powerful and senior", make a written record of every interaction. Email them to yourself so they are dated. That way it's not just "your word against his" should it go sideways. And, sadly, plan to look for another church.
 
K

Karraster

Guest
#3
Sounds like a little "man to man" is in order. It's not complicated.

My husband says he has had way too many chances already.
 

zeroturbulence

Senior Member
Aug 2, 2009
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#4
I would ask your wife how she feels about him and tell her what you see him doing. If she doesn't think it's anything to worry about, then let it go. If you are too afraid to talk to your wife about it, no offense, but you need to man up and speak to her about it.
 
Aug 30, 2018
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#5
Thank you for your kind advice. I have already spoken to my wife and to be honest I think she's a flattered by this man's attention, he is a very charismatic man, a person who is always the centre of attention and liked by most. But saying all that there has has been something bout him that is not quite right so I think I need to approach this person man to man and explain my feelings. God bless you all.
 
Aug 30, 2018
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#6
Well thank you for your kind advice but I have failed miserably when I approached this person. We are totally different in characters, compared to him I am mild and meek he is big, loud and domineering. I just could not get across my concerns. I fell for the old arm around the shoulder, firm handshake and denials. I feel as though I was in the wrong when I walked away form and worst of all my wife was so annoyed that I had spoken to him about his behaviour. The situation is now worse than ever and I am even considering staying away from our church now. This person and his friends have slowly taken over all the high positions in our church so I feel isolated. It was really good when they gained control as we were leaderless and they have taken the church rapidly forward, the congregation has increased 4 fold and there is a fantastic atmosphere there now, except for my situation of course. The general consensus is that this person is a fine upstanding man of God, all I see though is a man who has set his sights on my wife, who by the way has fallen hook, line and sinker for his flattery.
 
7

7seasrekeyed

Guest
#7
Thank you for your kind advice. I have already spoken to my wife and to be honest I think she's a flattered by this man's attention, he is a very charismatic man, a person who is always the centre of attention and liked by most. But saying all that there has has been something bout him that is not quite right so I think I need to approach this person man to man and explain my feelings. God bless you all.
there are some people, so called Christian or not, who do not care if a man or woman is already married, engaged whatever

I'd like to just punch people a good one in the kisser who act like that. of course that is just my own reactive personality that is not quite as dead as it should be, but obviously not the solution

you DO NOT need to explain anything to this dude. he knows what he is doing and he appreciates the fact you let it happen

people like this are VERY good at knowing who to attach themselves to and are very aware of what they do

draw a line and be explicit with your wife and either you or your wife let the dude know he can sit beside an available person next prayer meeting. he will act all surprised and 'oh I didn't mean anything by it' but he does mean something by it and frankly he is a creep

Christians do not act like that. period

oh no. before posting, I read your last post. read what I wrote and compare to your experience

I would have advised explaining nothing to this creeper. I'm so sorry. he is no man of God
 
7

7seasrekeyed

Guest
#8
ok

well you have some work to do. I don't know how you pray or how much, but what you have going here is spiritual warfare.

I pretty much guessed your personality which is one reason this creeper has moved in on you. there is nothing wrong with you...this person is taking advantage because that is what this type of personality does and he is a personality and not one anyone needs in their life

the things you describe about him are classic and his moves are classic. you have but one alternative and that is prayer

understand that things might get worse before they get better if they do get better

pray God would open up your wife's eyes to both what the dude does and also her response. pray for God to intervene in this situation and expose the hidden works of darkness. find and use imprecatory prayers in the Psalms because you are dealing with a spiritual situation that expresses itself physically because no one has yet stood against it

I would never advise someone to get involved in praying about a 'group' that has taken over a church unless they were a number of concerned and mature Christians, but in your case, it is personal. so unless you have a male friend or two to pray with you, you are on your own...but not really by yourself

ask God to straighten you by His Spirit and to direct and guide you and whatever you do, do NOT approach this individual again as he is a liar and a deceiver.

I'm so sorry this happened but prayer can and will strengthen you whatever the outcome. God is not fooled by this person and marriage is a covenant that this person is trying to destroy
 
Feb 28, 2016
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#10
this may be true Karraster, but for every as you say, Jezebel spirit', there is most assuredly a Jebezel'=man spirit :
this is a double-edged-sword' - we have knowledge of this, and it is most heart-breaking -
from what we have learned/observed, both parties have played-out their parts
and are now reaping what they have sowed!!!
 
Sep 27, 2018
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#13
That's an interesting idea. Perhaps you'd care to unpack it?
Well Ahab sat back and just let jezebel run the show with her corrupt and wicked ways. This shows itself a lot in society today as many “men” are really just fully grown boys, never taking responsibility for their actions or standing against sin.
 

Dino246

Senior Member
Jun 30, 2015
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#14
Well Ahab sat back and just let jezebel run the show with her corrupt and wicked ways. This shows itself a lot in society today as many “men” are really just fully grown boys, never taking responsibility for their actions or standing against sin.
I agree with you. I don't know that I'd call it a "spirit" but perhaps a tendency. Many men are passionate about things that don't mean much in the Kingdom (women are too) but few men are passionate about the important things. Responsibility seems to be increasingly rare anywhere in Western culture. Few men take a stand against sin in their own lives, and therefore have no moral authority to stand against it elsewhere.
 
Sep 24, 2018
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#15
This is difficult and I may be being paranoid and a little over sensitive (my wife says this of me). There is a very powerful and senior man within our church who I feel is far too friendly with my wife, when we arrive at church or at any meeting where our paths cross he makes straight for us and is way too touchy feeley with my wife, laughing and joking and the like, and recently he has made a point of sitting next to her at prayers. I have not said anything because my wife would be mortified and he has many, many friends within our church. Should I approach him and voice my concerns?
Why? What's your wife going to do. (It take's two to tango) If you trust your wife you can forget about stressing out.
 
Sep 27, 2018
55
55
18
Ohio
#16
I agree with you. I don't know that I'd call it a "spirit" but perhaps a tendency. Many men are passionate about things that don't mean much in the Kingdom (women are too) but few men are passionate about the important things. Responsibility seems to be increasingly rare anywhere in Western culture. Few men take a stand against sin in their own lives, and therefore have no moral authority to stand against it elsewhere.
Yeah. For a while, I felt like calling it the jezebel spirit, or cain spirit was odd... I wasn’t sure if I agreed they are spirits - but I believe they are uncreative demons that run people’s lives when people are living in rebellion against God. Nothing is new under the sun - the devil isn’t creative; neither are demons. We see they are the same in the OT as they are today.

I totally agree with you about society not taking responsibility for their actions... when they make bad choices, it’s always someone else’s fault... I know I do this sometimes... blaming God for my problems... when I know fine and well I got myself into this mess.
 

presidente

Senior Member
May 29, 2013
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924
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#17
This is difficult and I may be being paranoid and a little over sensitive (my wife says this of me). There is a very powerful and senior man within our church who I feel is far too friendly with my wife, when we arrive at church or at any meeting where our paths cross he makes straight for us and is way too touchy feeley with my wife, laughing and joking and the like, and recently he has made a point of sitting next to her at prayers. I have not said anything because my wife would be mortified and he has many, many friends within our church. Should I approach him and voice my concerns?
I think you should prayerfully consider telling this man that he seems a bit too touchy feely with your wife and you do not feel it is appropriate. If you want to tell your wife what you said, go ahead. I do not think you should use whether your wife feels uncomfortable as the soul guide as to whether to talk to the man about it.

If you do this and the man has some bad motives or inappropriate feelings, he may feel uncomfortable and back off. It might cause him to reconsider his heart, which could be good for him and other women in the church. If it is all innocent and he means nothing by it, he may back off out of respect for your feelings. The downside is possible social awkwardness, but if done right, that does not even have to happen.

I"m just wondering if this is a pastor or deacon or something like that in the church.
 
Aug 30, 2018
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#18
I think you should prayerfully consider telling this man that he seems a bit too touchy feely with your wife and you do not feel it is appropriate. If you want to tell your wife what you said, go ahead. I do not think you should use whether your wife feels uncomfortable as the soul guide as to whether to talk to the man about it.

If you do this and the man has some bad motives or inappropriate feelings, he may feel uncomfortable and back off. It might cause him to reconsider his heart, which could be good for him and other women in the church. If it is all innocent and he means nothing by it, he may back off out of respect for your feelings. The downside is possible social awkwardness, but if done right, that does not even have to happen.

I"m just wondering if this is a pastor or deacon or something like that in the church.
I have spoken to this man more than once, he assures me that he is just being friendly and has always been a 'touchy feely' type of person. My reply to this was that I feel uneasy about his closeness to my wife, both physically and emotionally, it seems to have no effect on him. He is indeed a pastor at our church and is very well thought of so I feel very awkward confronting him again. I pray constantly that he will transfer his feelings away from my wife, my prayers have up to now gone unanswered.
 

presidente

Senior Member
May 29, 2013
6,497
924
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#19
I have spoken to this man more than once, he assures me that he is just being friendly and has always been a 'touchy feely' type of person. My reply to this was that I feel uneasy about his closeness to my wife, both physically and emotionally, it seems to have no effect on him. He is indeed a pastor at our church and is very well thought of so I feel very awkward confronting him again. I pray constantly that he will transfer his feelings away from my wife, my prayers have up to now gone unanswered.
Maybe you could get in his face a bit and say, "You may be the touchy feely type. But you will not be the touchy feely type with my wife." You could say this in front of his wife or another pastor the second time, as a witness.
 

Nehemiah6

Senior Member
Jul 18, 2017
14,694
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#20
Should I approach him and voice my concerns?
Absolutely. Just tell him that you do not appreciate his overtures to your wife, and there will be unpleasant consequences if he persists. But have a witness present, preferably one of the elders.