Advice needed re response to ex

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Cindy12

Senior Member
#1
Jan 5, 2015
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#1
Married 25 years. My ex from high school and I have kept in touch over years occasionally. Phone or email. We lived in same neighborhood so families were friends. To be honest, he was my first true love. So, my dad age 86 just passed away and my ex, who loved my dad, found out 2 months later. He called my office Friday and I freaked out pretending I didn’t have a good connection. He left a long voicemail saying he was so sorry about my dad and that my dad was always great to him treating him like a son. My ex was born with single mom and never had dad relationship. Anyway he left longggggg voicemail and I feel guilty responding or not responding. What is right ?
 
maxwel

maxwel

Senior Member
#2
Apr 18, 2013
9,339
2,427
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#2
Briefly thanking him for his condolences shouldn't hurt anything,
but you're under no obligation to talk to an ex you don't want to talk to.

You should tell your husband everything that happened, and see what he has to say.

It's probably safe to go with your husband's advice on this kind of thing, where some other man is concerned.


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Cindy12

Senior Member
#3
Jan 5, 2015
243
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#3
Yes, that's an issue. My husband wouldn't agree to any contact -slippery slope. I've left it alone, just feel bad but also feel communication at this point might encourage more - because there's always been a lot of personal feelings between us. I feel crappy not responding, but responding also feels like I'm pushing an envelope. Ugh. Hard to explain this.
 
maxwel

maxwel

Senior Member
#4
Apr 18, 2013
9,339
2,427
113
#4
Your responsibility it to tend to your marriage relationship.
So listening to him, and handling this in a way that makes him feel loved and respected, is the proper thing to do.

I'm sure you wouldn't want your hubby chatting up some old girlfriend.
Even if it was innocent, it probably wouldn't make you feel very comfortable.

Maybe your husband is overly sensitive about this, and maybe not.... I don't know the situation.
But even if he is overly sensitive, it's still best to make your spouse feel loved and respected.


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Ugly

Guest
#5
#5
Try discussing it with your husband. Under the circumstances he may understand a one time response. And if he agrees allow your husband to see/hear your response.
Nothing says you have to talk to him again after that. So no more contact is required, so it won't open a door to anything you don't allow.

And if your husband still isn't comfortable then do the same thing you would expect if roles were reversed. You made a commitment to your husband, not your ex.
 
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Cindy12

Senior Member
#6
Jan 5, 2015
243
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#6
Thank you all. I decided to not respond as I agree that my commitment is my husband and I want no trouble. The few times in 25 years we’ve had issues was all due to him having phone conversations with other females. I know that terrible feeling on the other side.
 
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whatev

Guest
#7
#7
Cindy12 said:
Yes, that's an issue. My husband wouldn't agree to any contact -slippery slope. I've left it alone, just feel bad but also feel communication at this point might encourage more - because there's always been a lot of personal feelings between us. I feel crappy not responding, but responding also feels like I'm pushing an envelope. Ugh. Hard to explain this.
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My husband's ex left the area, and returned right before we got married. DH went to see her then without asking me. I admit it. It bothered me. I'm something between happy about that now and still remembering it bothered me, because he didn't tell me until after we were married. And, yes, he did go see her to make sure there was nothing left between them. Not as bothered now, because there wasn't, but still think he should have told me.

She was a member of the same church we were members of for a couple of years, and I got to know here better. Nice lady. We became causal friends. (After all, I won his heart. I truly get that.) And then we left the church when we moved.

They met, yet again, through FB. We've friend each other.

I trust him. I trust him because of the decades of marriage we have had. He is trustworthy. For that matter, although she really regrets their relationship ending, she is trustworthy too.

Which makes me wonder why your husband doesn't trust you around an ex from 25 years ago. I can understand there being hesitation if you were planning a date with him, but you're talking about your father, someone you both deeply cared about. And something that can be done on the phone in front of your husband. Is it he doesn't trust you, or just that you fear he doesn't? If it's fear, talk to him about it. As it stands now, you're hiding this from him, which is not a trustworthy thing to do.
 
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Cindy12

Senior Member
#8
Jan 5, 2015
243
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#8
whatev said:
My husband's ex left the area, and returned right before we got married. DH went to see her then without asking me. I admit it. It bothered me. I'm something between happy about that now and still remembering it bothered me, because he didn't tell me until after we were married. And, yes, he did go see her to make sure there was nothing left between them. Not as bothered now, because there wasn't, but still think he should have told me.

She was a member of the same church we were members of for a couple of years, and I got to know here better. Nice lady. We became causal friends. (After all, I won his heart. I truly get that.) And then we left the church when we moved.

They met, yet again, through FB. We've friend each other.

I trust him. I trust him because of the decades of marriage we have had. He is trustworthy. For that matter, although she really regrets their relationship ending, she is trustworthy too.

Which makes me wonder why your husband doesn't trust you around an ex from 25 years ago. I can understand there being hesitation if you were planning a date with him, but you're talking about your father, someone you both deeply cared about. And something that can be done on the phone in front of your husband. Is it he doesn't trust you, or just that you fear he doesn't? If it's fear, talk to him about it. As it stands now, you're hiding this from him, which is not a trustworthy thing to do.
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For one, the ex only phones me at work, and I’ve never phoned him. I’m sure he calls at work so my husband won’t know. He doesn’t have
whatev said:
My husband's ex left the area, and returned right before we got married. DH went to see her then without asking me. I admit it. It bothered me. I'm something between happy about that now and still remembering it bothered me, because he didn't tell me until after we were married. And, yes, he did go see her to make sure there was nothing left between them. Not as bothered now, because there wasn't, but still think he should have told me.

She was a member of the same church we were members of for a couple of years, and I got to know here better. Nice lady. We became causal friends. (After all, I won his heart. I truly get that.) And then we left the church when we moved.

They met, yet again, through FB. We've friend each other.

I trust him. I trust him because of the decades of marriage we have had. He is trustworthy. For that matter, although she really regrets their relationship ending, she is trustworthy too.

Which makes me wonder why your husband doesn't trust you around an ex from 25 years ago. I can understand there being hesitation if you were planning a date with him, but you're talking about your father, someone you both deeply cared about. And something that can be done on the phone in front of your husband. Is it he doesn't trust you, or just that you fear he doesn't? If it's fear, talk to him about it. As it stands now, you're hiding this from him, which is not a trustworthy thing to do.
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very true and insightful. I just feel it’s in my best interest now to let it go.
 
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