advice please. I feel like My husband doesn't love me anymore

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Higagary77

Junior Member
Feb 19, 2018
2
0
0
#1
Hello Everyone!

Advice welcome. My husband and I have been married for 11 years and I've been having problems with trust issues and about him not making me feel appreciated. A year ago I found some pictures of another woman on his phone (about 12-15 pictures to be exact), we are Christians but I feel like the internet can be a place of perdition when not used wisely. The young woman is very attractive younger than me (I am in my early 30's) and I was so disappointed when I found them because I felt betrayed. He apologized but a couple of months later I found a few other pictures in his trash folder of her, he denied them and said that they were from the first time I caught him. I've tried really hard to move on and forgive him but I guess I haven't. His excuse for the pictures was that he liked certain clothes that the girl was wearing (he screenshot them from her Fb).
I ask God to help me forgive him. However, I feel like his apology was not sincere because he tells me that I exaggerate and that he did nothing wrong. I strongly feel that he betrayed me and cheated on me emotionally if that even makes sense. He's a good father and can be a good husband but i don't feel appreciated at times. If I cry he doesn't console me, he doesn't comfort me and sometimes that's all I want. We had an argument last night because I brought up the picture issue and I started crying, he did nothing...I went to cry in the bathroom and when I came out he was asleep already. Sometimes I feel so alone and discouraged because I wish he would be more loving towards me. He's always helping everyone at our church and I feel like he worries more about everyone than me. Am I being too emotional,? Am I wrong in still feeling hurt and not getting over it? He does tell me that he loves me but it is usually when he wants to be with me. Please help
 

MissCris

Senior Member
Aug 24, 2011
6,600
255
83
#2
I’m so sorry you’re going through this :( It sure seems like everything has it out for marriages these days, doesn’t it? I’ve been married almost 13 years, and we’ve gone through some of what you described.

I’ll start with saying, there is no reason your husband should have those photos on his phone. You’re not overreacting or exaggerating or being paranoid- he’s trying to downplay his actions and make you out to be the bad guy because he got caught. It’s totally disrespectful to you and your marriage for him to be looking at and saving photos of other women- no matter what they’re wearing. Stand your ground there.

As for him not comforting you- has he always been that way, or is that a new thing? My own husband has never been a comforter when I’m crying- tears make him clam up and he literally has no idea what to do. But if this is new for your husband to ignore your distress, that’s a bad sign.

I suggest Christian marriage counseling...would your husband be willing? It just sounds like things have gotten pretty off track between you- I don’t know the extent of it, but better to try to correct it now if you can. Even if he doesn’t want to go, it could help you to talk to someone and maybe learn ways to handle it.

I hope and pray everything turns out alright!
 

Theopholus

Junior Member
Feb 20, 2018
2
0
0
#3
I would recommend a good Christian marriage counselor... And Pray...
 

Depleted

Senior Member
Dec 13, 2015
22,166
480
83
Philly, PA, USA
#4
Hello Everyone!

Advice welcome. My husband and I have been married for 11 years and I've been having problems with trust issues and about him not making me feel appreciated. A year ago I found some pictures of another woman on his phone (about 12-15 pictures to be exact), we are Christians but I feel like the internet can be a place of perdition when not used wisely. The young woman is very attractive younger than me (I am in my early 30's) and I was so disappointed when I found them because I felt betrayed. He apologized but a couple of months later I found a few other pictures in his trash folder of her, he denied them and said that they were from the first time I caught him. I've tried really hard to move on and forgive him but I guess I haven't. His excuse for the pictures was that he liked certain clothes that the girl was wearing (he screenshot them from her Fb).
I ask God to help me forgive him. However, I feel like his apology was not sincere because he tells me that I exaggerate and that he did nothing wrong. I strongly feel that he betrayed me and cheated on me emotionally if that even makes sense. He's a good father and can be a good husband but i don't feel appreciated at times. If I cry he doesn't console me, he doesn't comfort me and sometimes that's all I want. We had an argument last night because I brought up the picture issue and I started crying, he did nothing...I went to cry in the bathroom and when I came out he was asleep already. Sometimes I feel so alone and discouraged because I wish he would be more loving towards me. He's always helping everyone at our church and I feel like he worries more about everyone than me. Am I being too emotional,? Am I wrong in still feeling hurt and not getting over it? He does tell me that he loves me but it is usually when he wants to be with me. Please help
Three different problems posing as one:
1. You don't trust him, and apparently haven't trusted him for quite some time. (Why you were checking out his phone.)
2. He's got some girl's pictures all over his phone.
3. You want to be appreciated and loved.

Some things missing from this problem list:
1. How you are appreciating and loving him.
2. Your relationship with the Lord.
3. His relationship with the Lord.
4. Yours and his relationship together and with the Lord.

Until I know that, really can't advice on the others.
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
22,508
1,142
113
63
#5
No, you are not being too emotional and yes, what your husband did is totally inappropriate, especially his lame excuse for enjoying certain clothes on her. I feel that your husband did betray the marital trust but as it seems that there was nothing physical I would not advise divorce at this time.

Forgiving is a lot easier than forgetting. I don't think that his apology was sincere either but that he's embarrassed that he got caught.

It's great that he helps everyone at your church but his number one priority must be to his family. Right now he's neglecting your spiritual and emotional needs besides the damage that his actions have already caused. He may indeed love you but he does not seem 100% committed to you and that is causing hurt and conflict.

I would let this go but would let him know that if it happens again that would be a cause of considerable doubt in your mind on whether or not to stay in a marriage with a husband who cannot remain true to his wife.

I do recommend that the both of you pray and study the bible together and place God at the center of your marriage. Right now, based on your post it is probably unlikely that he would be willing to do this. I sincerely hopes that he does otherwise you are probably going to remain very anxious and unhappy in your marriage.

I am praying for God's blessings for you to resolve this heartbreaking situation.
 

Higagary77

Junior Member
Feb 19, 2018
2
0
0
#6
I appreciate eveyryones reply. My husband has always been very bad at showing affection in times of need but I wish he would. I believe this problem comes from his father since he too, has problems showing affection. I am praying to God to give me wisdom and to heal my heart so that I may get over this soon. We haven't touched the ideas of marriage counseling but I am sure we both would agree to it.
I wasn't searching for anything in particular when I found those pictures. I feel that if there isn't something to hide then spouses should have the right to look through eachothers phones. I wasn't looking thru his messages, I was looking at his pictures because he had recently taken pictures of our daughter. I am in no means a controlling wife, but I felt the need at that particular moment to check his previous photos and there they were. I truly believe that God wanted me to see them so we could address the problem before it got out of hand. He got caught and I feel that IS why he apologized, he could have came clean to me but he didn't. I am a very respectful woman that Loves God and loyal to my husband. I've had number of men talk to me or ask me out while being married and I have never ever done something to damage my marriage. I fear God and He knows that I am trying very hard to be a better mother, wife and to love Him with all my heart.
I may not be the best wife but God knows my heart, I try to be better each day. My husband complains about me getting mad at certain things but GOD has done a big change in my life thru the years. There are times when we are talking not arguing and if I voice my opinion he thinks I am getting mad and accuses me of exploding. I have learned to stay silent and I only ask God to help me thru this. I want our marriage to be stronger and for both of us to live a Godly life. Thank you guys
 

Magenta

Senior Member
Jul 3, 2015
23,391
1,335
113
#7
There are times when we are talking not arguing and if I voice my opinion he thinks I am getting mad and accuses me of exploding. I have learned to stay silent and I only ask God to help me thru this. I want our marriage to be stronger and for both of us to live a Godly life. Thank you guys
Learning to stay silent is not the way to go. Feeling like you are walking on eggshells around your significant other is a very bad sign, especially if it is based on his erroneous perceptions :(
 

Depleted

Senior Member
Dec 13, 2015
22,166
480
83
Philly, PA, USA
#8
I appreciate eveyryones reply. My husband has always been very bad at showing affection in times of need but I wish he would. I believe this problem comes from his father since he too, has problems showing affection. I am praying to God to give me wisdom and to heal my heart so that I may get over this soon. We haven't touched the ideas of marriage counseling but I am sure we both would agree to it.
I wasn't searching for anything in particular when I found those pictures. I feel that if there isn't something to hide then spouses should have the right to look through eachothers phones. I wasn't looking thru his messages, I was looking at his pictures because he had recently taken pictures of our daughter. I am in no means a controlling wife, but I felt the need at that particular moment to check his previous photos and there they were. I truly believe that God wanted me to see them so we could address the problem before it got out of hand. He got caught and I feel that IS why he apologized, he could have came clean to me but he didn't. I am a very respectful woman that Loves God and loyal to my husband. I've had number of men talk to me or ask me out while being married and I have never ever done something to damage my marriage. I fear God and He knows that I am trying very hard to be a better mother, wife and to love Him with all my heart.
I may not be the best wife but God knows my heart, I try to be better each day. My husband complains about me getting mad at certain things but GOD has done a big change in my life thru the years. There are times when we are talking not arguing and if I voice my opinion he thinks I am getting mad and accuses me of exploding. I have learned to stay silent and I only ask God to help me thru this. I want our marriage to be stronger and for both of us to live a Godly life. Thank you guys
Still didn't tell how you show your appreciation and love to him.

I really do get living with someone who isn't very affectionate. He's my dad. But, since he didn't show it, I found out in other ways, if he liked me. And, even if he didn't show it in the usual ways, I showed it in ways he'd get.

You're laying all this on him in graphic details, but all you've shown of what you do is "try to be" or keep quiet. "Try to be" only works if you succeed in what you're trying to be. And silence, to someone who isn't affection and/or is quiet, is acceptance.

He's got your buttons down pat. Say you're yelling, and you shut up. Stop shutting up.
 

AdolfHipster

Senior Member
Jan 15, 2018
221
8
0
#9
I've recently learned the importance of knowing what our and our significant other's "love language" is. I use to think it was one of those quizzes girls/women would take on Cosmo or Seventeen Magazine (is that even still around?). Mine are physical touch (#1) and quality time (#2)... I would imagine most males are like this (but everyone is different).

What are your husband's two dominant love languages?
What are your two dominant love languages?
Do you love him in your love language or do you love him in his love language?
Is he aware of what makes you feel most loved?
Does he have past experiences that make it difficult for him to love you in your love languages?
 

chinaandback

Junior Member
Nov 28, 2017
6
0
0
#10
I'm sorry you are going through this. :( Have you looked into Christian marriage counseling? Many men, including Christian men, struggle with "looking" at other women and it can be especially hurtful to their wife or girlfriend. If he is active in church, maybe talking to other men could help? As for not comforting you, if he has always been this way, I wouldn't worry too much about that. Some men just don't know what to d when we cry. When I get emotional in front of my boyfriend, he does nothing, even though he is a very loving man. I know we wish they would be a certain way and do certain things, but these expectations just leave us feeling hurt, unless we tell them what we want and need. I've learned that with experience, after my divorce years ago. If it is difficult to make your needs known, I would seek wise counsel, as others have mentioned, and also praying helps. (((Hugs to you!)))
 

Ariel82

Senior Member
Aug 8, 2011
16,931
428
83
#11
Hello Everyone!

Advice welcome. My husband and I have been married for 11 years and I've been having problems with trust issues and about him not making me feel appreciated. A year ago I found some pictures of another woman on his phone (about 12-15 pictures to be exact), we are Christians but I feel like the internet can be a place of perdition when not used wisely. The young woman is very attractive younger than me (I am in my early 30's) and I was so disappointed when I found them because I felt betrayed. He apologized but a couple of months later I found a few other pictures in his trash folder of her, he denied them and said that they were from the first time I caught him. I've tried really hard to move on and forgive him but I guess I haven't. His excuse for the pictures was that he liked certain clothes that the girl was wearing (he screenshot them from her Fb).
I ask God to help me forgive him. However, I feel like his apology was not sincere because he tells me that I exaggerate and that he did nothing wrong. I strongly feel that he betrayed me and cheated on me emotionally if that even makes sense. He's a good father and can be a good husband but i don't feel appreciated at times. If I cry he doesn't console me, he doesn't comfort me and sometimes that's all I want. We had an argument last night because I brought up the picture issue and I started crying, he did nothing...I went to cry in the bathroom and when I came out he was asleep already. Sometimes I feel so alone and discouraged because I wish he would be more loving towards me. He's always helping everyone at our church and I feel like he worries more about everyone than me. Am I being too emotional,? Am I wrong in still feeling hurt and not getting over it? He does tell me that he loves me but it is usually when he wants to be with me. Please help
You sound very needy and either he doesn't understand or k,ow how to meet your need for love or you may have unrealistic expectations for him.

Sometimes our heart yearns for love only God can provide.

Our husbands are humans and can be dense sometimes....mine is. I tell him I need a hug.

The picture issues comes down to do you truly trust and forgive him?

Or do you think he is dishonest,unworthy of your trust?

How do you show your love to him?

I don't know your husband but maybe pray and decide in your heart if you truly trust him or not....then decide how you want to show your love for him.
 

Ariel82

Senior Member
Aug 8, 2011
16,931
428
83
#12
Learning to stay silent is not the way to go. Feeling like you are walking on eggshells around your significant other is a very bad sign, especially if it is based on his erroneous perceptions :(
I have to disagree about the staying silent. I do agree that walking on eggshells is not the way to go.
.however if I get mad or emotional,i will be silent and pray for a bit before talking to my husband because we can say very hurtful things in anger.

I have found the best thing for my marriage is to follow the Biblical principal of never going to bed mad....never letting the sun set on my anger may mean sleepless nights of me learning how to forgive or waking him up to talk (doesn't happen often) most of the time it's me.
 

stephty

Junior Member
Feb 20, 2018
5
0
0
#13
I'm married for 19 going 20 years as of this year and we have been battling with the same problem all the year my wife is not in love with me we will be going through with the divorce this year. It is very difficult for both of us but there's nothing we could do to make her love me the way she should. What I would like to say to you is that you still have a chance to save your marriage as long as you were both in love with each other just keep on leaving it in God's hands and also speak to your husband. I will say a prayer for you both.
 

tlf777

Junior Member
Feb 21, 2017
9
1
0
#14
Being married is such an amazing blessing, and yet it is one of the ways God will sanctify us the most. Meaning that there are parts that are going to be really tough, since we are a sinner, and we are living with another sinner. My husband and I have an open phone/technology agreement. We can look at each other's stuff anytime we want. Though we don't do this often, I think having the "open" part out there helps greatly.

Are you all in a life group at church? I know that sometimes you get close to a couple, and this might be the time to bring it up with another couple. I also wholeheartedly agree about the marriage counseling idea many posters have suggested.

Affection does affect you negatively, but I also an concerned (as I feel certain you are) about what your children are seeing modeled. Again, this is something that can be brought up with counseling.

Keep tethering yourself to Jesus. I know He can make this situation better.
 

Wonderland

Senior Member
May 6, 2010
231
6
0
#15
Dear Father in Heaven,
I praise you for your mercy, your love, and your compassion for your children. I praise you for sending your son Jesus to die on the cross, taking every infirmity, iniquity, and evil thing upon himself, conquering it in death, and proclaiming victory through his resurrection in life! Glory to GOD!! Right now, Father, Higagary77 needs victory in her life and in her marriage. The Devil is seeking to steal, kill and destroy her and her family, and in the name of Jesus and the power of your Holy Spirit I BIND that evil, I STRIP it of it's power, and I BREAK the chains that have been holding them captive to the power of darkness. NO MORE Father! Your son has paid the penalty for all transgressions, so whatever accusations Satan has brought against Higagary77 and her husband, we proclaim freedom through the blood of Jesus! Glory to God! We humbly ask you to render judgment upon the devil, and require him to pay Higagary77 and her husband seven times and more what he has stolen from them.

Father God, your holy spirit is a consuming fire! I pray that you would heap burning coals on Higagary77's husband every time he falls into temptation, or anytime he even considers the temptation. Heap burning coals upon him and convict him of this sin, that he would repent, and turn his heart and mind to you. You are merciful, and you will forgive. You will heal him and his wife, and you will restore them to abundant life. Let him seek you and find you, Father God! Soften his heart to your word, open his ears and eyes to the truth, and place ministers and seeds of truth all around him, Father, so that he can clearly see your work in his life, and the seeds of truth would grow to a wellspring of truth and life in his heart and life, in your name and to your Glory! Hallelujah!

Father God, send the anointing of your Holy Spirit to Higagary77. Bring peace, light, and compassion into her body, and let it be a light bursting forth for all to see! Father God, let Higagary77's marriage be a testimony to your goodness, your grace and your compassion! Restore them to life, and pour out your blessing upon Higagary77's head! Glory! I see it being poured down now Father! Soften her heart to receive it and be a vessel of your anointing as a testimony to your power. Glory to you God!

Father, re-ignite the baptism and the fire of your Holy Spirit in Higagary77's life. Put powerful ministers and teachers in her life, and give her wisdom on where to seek them out! Show her the power that SHE HAS over her situation as an heir of God and a co-heir of Christ. Teach her how to take her spiritual authority over her situation, and let her submit to Godliness, not to the powers of evil who are seeking to deceive and destroy. Build Higagary77 up in the spirit, fortify her faith, so that in all things YOU may get the Glory! Hallelujah Father!
Amen!
 

angelheart007

Junior Member
Mar 2, 2017
11
0
0
#16
Things like what you've described slowly chip away at our trust and that is such a hard thing to have to deal with. I'm sorry you are hurting and your DH doesn't seem to be showing the concern or interest in your feelings. That too is hurtful. Have you discussed counseling on the trust issues? Maybe a Pastor at the church or counselor could help walk through and process some of this so he can understand how it's impacted you and you're not left to "just get over it." Men and women process things so differently. A while back, I heard a Christian Counselor on the radio and he was discussing the 5 Love Languages and how men and women respond and receive love differently. I had never heard this type of thing taught in church in all my 50+ years of going, so I was very excited to learn what had been such a mystery for so long and how I receive and need love and each person is different, especially men vs women. There are some wonderful resources available and I'm sharing one more here list.ly https://list.ly/list/1CDy-is-your-marriage-built-on-a-solid-foundation, you should be able to just copy and paste it into your web address and it take you to the article. I'll be praying for you and your family, for healing and restoration. Take care of yourself and draw closer to the Lord, ask your husband to read scripture and pray each day with you. Hugs and prayers from Texas
 

Silverwings

Senior Member
Jul 27, 2016
800
43
28
#17
I have to disagree about the staying silent. I do agree that walking on eggshells is not the way to go.
.however if I get mad or emotional,i will be silent and pray for a bit before talking to my husband because we can say very hurtful things in anger.

I have found the best thing for my marriage is to follow the Biblical principal of never going to bed mad....never letting the sun set on my anger may mean sleepless nights of me learning how to forgive or waking him up to talk (doesn't happen often) most of the time it's me.
[There are times when we are talking not arguing and if I voice my opinion he thinks I am getting mad and accuses me of exploding. I have learned to stay silent /SIZE]

This seems to be a way to silence you,for what ever reason, I definately agree it is time to find a good Christian counselor
 

angelheart007

Junior Member
Mar 2, 2017
11
0
0
#18
As gently as possible approach the subject of counseling so you can both be in the center of the Lord's will for your lives and the marriage be honoring to the Lord.
 

student

Senior Member
Jul 20, 2010
931
47
28
#19
If he won't go with you, go to a counselor anyway...

There's a Chicken Soup for the Soul story that reads like this: (highly paraphrased)

Wife is upset.
Husband is upset.
They don't speak.
Then one morning, out of the blue, he compliments her on her checkbook skills.
Ironic, as she admonishes herself she's horrible at that.
Next morning, she's angry. He's complimentary...thanking her for doing his shirts.
She's complacent. He's complimentary again the next morning, again telling her of her expemplary checkbook skills.
Hmmm. What's this game? She's suspicious.
He's complimentary and kisses her before work.
She tries harder to do well in the checkbook department.
He compliments.
She decides to play the game.
She compliemnts.
SHe likes it.
He and she live more happily ever after..

Worth a try?
Pray more
Compliment more.
If you can.
Trust God.
and know you are NOt alone in this.

-student
 

Magenta

Senior Member
Jul 3, 2015
23,391
1,335
113
#20
I have to disagree about the staying silent. I do agree that walking on eggshells is not the way to go.
.however if I get mad or emotional,i will be silent and pray for a bit before talking to my husband because we can say very hurtful things in anger.

I have found the best thing for my marriage is to follow the Biblical principal of never going to bed mad....never letting the sun set on my anger may mean sleepless nights of me learning how to forgive or waking him up to talk (doesn't happen often) most of the time it's me.
If you are talking to your husband, you are not staying silent. So... I am not sure where you disagree. There is not much of a relationship without open, honest communication.