CONFRONTING HUSBAND ABOUT HIS MASTURBATION

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Loyal2One

Junior Member
Oct 23, 2017
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#1
Hello, I am new here and this is something I never thought I'd do, but I am need of some christian advice/guidance. My husband and I have been married for 3 months and have found that our sex life is not all that I anticipated as a husband and wife. Prior to our wedding, we were sexually active on weekends (as we only saw each other on weekends due to long distance relationship), and struggled with knowing that we were going against God's will as Christians. After steadfast prayer we stopped all sexual activity, including putting ourselves in situations that would tempt us into anything sexual (making out, sleeping in same bed, caressing, etc.) We were able to remain abstinent throughout our engagement and I looked forward to uniting as one and enjoying all of the wonderful and beautiful intimate moments we'd share as husband and wife, the way God intended. Perhaps my hopes were too high, but after living together these past few months our sex life has changed, drastically. Since our honeymoon, I noticed things had changed. The first month of our marriage, we had intercourse maybe 1-2 times week, which might not seem like a big deal, but it wasn't as passionate as before and I initiated it. I started to feel like there was something wrong with me and that maybe he wasn't attracted to me since he didn't pursue me. Then there were a couple of nights that I woke up to noises. One night he was laying by me and my instinct told me that he was fondling himself, and when I turned around towards him he stopped and turned over. The other time I woke up to him standing in the corner of the room hunched over which again my instincts told me he was fondling himself again, and when I asked him what he was doing he quietly came back to bed and pretended like he was asleep. It started to make sense to me, especially after finding semen on his clothes (underwear and T-shirts), that he had a secret and him taking long showers, and I can hear him quietly moan. It seems as though as my husband prefers to masturbate over being sexually intimate with me. I want to confront him, but am scared to. I've been praying on this for these past few months asking God to guide me, and have listened to sermons about this, but I can't help but feel hurt, rejected, and resentment towards him. I've tried to confront him about the masturbation twice, but got scared both times and instead addressed how I felt about not being attractive or good enough for him, that I usually initiate sex, and feeling sexually frustrated as my needs are not being met. He assured me that he is very attractive to me and that I please him sexually and that he'd try to be more affectionate and initiate sex. Nothing has changed since our talks and I've noticed his pattern of masturbation every morning as he's getting ready in the bathroom before work, and the thought consumes me. Its been over a week since he's initiated sex, but everyday I either hear him or notice his clothing (which now he's washing by hand and throwing in the dirty hamper to cover up what he's doing). Please help. I don't know what to do or how to confront him.
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
62,924
1,793
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#2
Hubby needs professional help for his..umm.. issue.
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
62,924
1,793
113
#3
Tell him that you know he's masturbating, that you can hear him, and ask him why he feels the need to have sex with himself instead of with you..
 

Tommy379

Senior Member
Jan 12, 2016
6,432
415
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#4
Does he have a smartphone with him? Those things ruin sex. Little handheld porn viewers with 4g connectivity. Newlyweds should be bumping uglies 2 or 3 times a day, not twice a week. Porn is ruining the world. If he isn't looking at porn now, he has looked at a lot of it in the past, enough to fill his spank bank up. Probably need to see a therapist. Damn porn, ruins everything.
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
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Florida
#5
I would go with the advice Lady Blue offered and see what he has to say. Hopefully, you will find comfort, support and understanding from the members of this site. Glad to have you join us. Welcome to CC.
 

Susanna

Senior Member
Jan 21, 2013
2,588
70
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#6
You have to be as honest to yourself as you are about him.

If somethings gotten in between y'all, you most likely will only be able to change yourself.

Then the next question is: Will that be enough to break that habit of his.

And...why don't you just sneak in and catch him red handed? Might find that smoking gun as well...
 

Tommy379

Senior Member
Jan 12, 2016
6,432
415
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#7
You have to be as honest to yourself as you are about him.

If somethings gotten in between y'all, you most likely will only be able to change yourself.

Then the next question is: Will that be enough to break that habit of his.

And...why don't you just sneak in and catch him red handed? Might find that smoking gun as well...
Run a sting operation.
 

EarnestQ

Senior Member
Apr 28, 2016
2,477
236
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#8
My first thoughts are that he might be afraid to initiate sex on his own. He may have a very low self esteem and feel that you will reject him. I don't know that for sure, but it would explain it.

My thinking is that if you initiate sex as much as you can you will keep him too tired to try sex with himself. Play with his genitals as much as you can. Don't give him a chance to do it himself.

He has possibly associated masturbation with being loved and may not have been loved much in his life. Before marriage he found he can appease the need for true love and intimacy through self love. The way to a man's heart is not always through his stomach. Your husband may need to be loved in the way he has trained himself to receive love. See if you can join him in his activities.

Don't view it as dirty or feel that the problem is with you. The problem may be with the way he has found to appease his overwhelming need to feel love and intimacy, and/or because he doesn't feel adequate to meet your needs.

There can be any number of other reasons for this behavior. I am just guessing at the above. I invite you to find a therapist of your own who can help you figure out ways to deal with his behavior.

Clearly there is a problem in your relationship and you may be the only one who is capable of identifying his true needs and helping him get his passions straightened out. It may take work on your part. It is up to you to decide if he is worth your effort.
 

Loyal2One

Junior Member
Oct 23, 2017
6
0
0
#9
Thank you for your advice. I agree. I am trying to work myself to telling him that I know and I have so many questions why he feels the need to do it when he ought to be saving himself for me, as it is intended.
 

Lighthearted

Senior Member
Oct 17, 2016
1,017
74
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#10
My advice? You're married now...so whip out some nasty in your bedroom or wherever! Give him something super exciting by not knowing what you'll do next. And pray. I think EarnestQ is right. I'll send you a PM about some other ideas.
 

Loyal2One

Junior Member
Oct 23, 2017
6
0
0
#11
Most of the time he has his phone with him. He usually has it with him everywhere he goes. Its crossed my mind that he might be watching porn and I've been tempted to check his phone, but he changed his password (I use to have) when he fixed his phone. Even when I had his old password I had checked his phone 2x out of curiosity but honestly didn't know how to navigate it, other than texts and pics. I've wanted to ask him for the new password but don't want him to think I'm some crazy and controlling wife.

Tell me about it! I thought the newlywed's sex life was suppose to be a lot more frequent. Our sex life before we decided to abstain was amazing! When I brought this up to him he had the excuse that it was a lot more frequent because we only saw each other on the weekends, but even then the passion was there and it isn't anymore. I feel like its a chore for him when we are intimate :(
 

Loyal2One

Junior Member
Oct 23, 2017
6
0
0
#12
You're right about that. I've tried to analyze myself and even have tried to accept what he's doing as "normal" and that perhaps I'm over reacting. Now its to the point that I'm trying to detach myself from my feelings and it view this as an addiction he has instead of being so resentful towards him and taking it personal. Its hard to do. I've thought about catching him "red handed" the next time I hear the moaning coming from the bathroom; however, he locks the door :/ I'd have to pick the lock to that "smoking gun"
 

Loyal2One

Junior Member
Oct 23, 2017
6
0
0
#13
Thank you for your feedback. He was single for a very long time before he and I got together. Past relationships weren't very long. Single parent family. It would make sense that he had found ways to self-love. Definitely need professional help to handle this, either as a couple or individually.
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
62,924
1,793
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#14
Masturbating isn't self-love. It's feeding a human animal desire. If God had wanted us to masturbate, we would have been born with our hands attached to our naughty bits.. :/

If you're into kinky stuff, ask him if he'd like some sex toys for you to use on him. Or if you're into.. uh, ya know, "feeling" him, ask him if he'd like that. Tell him it'll be alot more fun with YOU doing it to him, than it will with him doing it to himself..
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
62,924
1,793
113
#15
Tell him that if he has the passion and frequency to get freaky with himself, then he has the passion and frequency to get freaky with YOU. :) Also tell him that his *ahem* gets more attention from him than you do.. lol


Most of the time he has his phone with him. He usually has it with him everywhere he goes. Its crossed my mind that he might be watching porn and I've been tempted to check his phone, but he changed his password (I use to have) when he fixed his phone. Even when I had his old password I had checked his phone 2x out of curiosity but honestly didn't know how to navigate it, other than texts and pics. I've wanted to ask him for the new password but don't want him to think I'm some crazy and controlling wife.

Tell me about it! I thought the newlywed's sex life was suppose to be a lot more frequent. Our sex life before we decided to abstain was amazing! When I brought this up to him he had the excuse that it was a lot more frequent because we only saw each other on the weekends, but even then the passion was there and it isn't anymore. I feel like its a chore for him when we are intimate :(
 

Prov910

Senior Member
Jan 10, 2017
880
41
0
#16
Or next time he's at it, you could just ask him: "Do you want any help with that?" (And it might be more effective if you're appropriately dressed—or rather, undressed.) :)
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
62,924
1,793
113
#17
I just realized that this isn't the Ladies forum.. :eek:
 

BillG

Senior Member
Feb 15, 2017
5,231
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#18
I have to be honest here and I am not condemning.

Maybe part of the issue is sex before marriage.

Even as beliviers you have engaged in the ultimate intimacy designed for marriage.

If there is any guilt that a person feels as a result, that could affect the sexual relationship after marriage.
 

PennEd

Senior Member
Apr 22, 2013
4,977
523
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#19
I think Tommy is right. Porn is a horrible monster, and I'd bet the ranch he is involved in it.

One thing you MUST understand. There is NOTHING wrong with you! DON'T think "Maybe it's because I'm not doing X"

I'm terribly sorry, but I think you are in for a rough ride with this monster. (Your husbands porn addiction).
it CAN be overcome. Be prepared for the lies, as he probably feels incredible shame.

I would suggest an honest, but understanding NON-YELLING talk about it.

Once you verify it is porn come back. There are people here that can help. Don't let yrs go by without tackling this destructive issue.

May the Lord be with you, and strengthen you.
 
Sep 3, 2016
1,524
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#20
You and your husband are one. Simply ask him can you help him with this act of pleasure.