CONFRONTING HUSBAND ABOUT HIS MASTURBATION

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Ugly

Senior Member
Apr 19, 2011
20,497
505
113
#21
Until you talk to him and get some facts nothing else said by anyone is relevant.
Be straightforward. Don't accuse, criticize or start a fight. You're there to find information and that won't happen if you do any of those things.
While you are personally affected usually these sorts of behaviors are Not a reflection on the spouse (you) but more of an internal issue from them (him).
You didn't indicate how long between stopping sex and marriage, but if I had to Guess I'd say he likely picked up a habit after the two of you quit having sex and now it's habitual or an addiction.

A separate point, in the future it will help you (and others) to use paragraphs. The "wall of text" makes it difficult or impossible for some to read and causes you to possibly lose responses.
 

Depleted

Senior Member
Dec 13, 2015
22,166
479
83
Philly, PA, USA
#24
Hello, I am new here and this is something I never thought I'd do, but I am need of some christian advice/guidance. My husband and I have been married for 3 months and have found that our sex life is not all that I anticipated as a husband and wife. Prior to our wedding, we were sexually active on weekends (as we only saw each other on weekends due to long distance relationship), and struggled with knowing that we were going against God's will as Christians. After steadfast prayer we stopped all sexual activity, including putting ourselves in situations that would tempt us into anything sexual (making out, sleeping in same bed, caressing, etc.) We were able to remain abstinent throughout our engagement and I looked forward to uniting as one and enjoying all of the wonderful and beautiful intimate moments we'd share as husband and wife, the way God intended. Perhaps my hopes were too high, but after living together these past few months our sex life has changed, drastically. Since our honeymoon, I noticed things had changed. The first month of our marriage, we had intercourse maybe 1-2 times week, which might not seem like a big deal, but it wasn't as passionate as before and I initiated it. I started to feel like there was something wrong with me and that maybe he wasn't attracted to me since he didn't pursue me. Then there were a couple of nights that I woke up to noises. One night he was laying by me and my instinct told me that he was fondling himself, and when I turned around towards him he stopped and turned over. The other time I woke up to him standing in the corner of the room hunched over which again my instincts told me he was fondling himself again, and when I asked him what he was doing he quietly came back to bed and pretended like he was asleep. It started to make sense to me, especially after finding semen on his clothes (underwear and T-shirts), that he had a secret and him taking long showers, and I can hear him quietly moan. It seems as though as my husband prefers to masturbate over being sexually intimate with me. I want to confront him, but am scared to. I've been praying on this for these past few months asking God to guide me, and have listened to sermons about this, but I can't help but feel hurt, rejected, and resentment towards him. I've tried to confront him about the masturbation twice, but got scared both times and instead addressed how I felt about not being attractive or good enough for him, that I usually initiate sex, and feeling sexually frustrated as my needs are not being met. He assured me that he is very attractive to me and that I please him sexually and that he'd try to be more affectionate and initiate sex. Nothing has changed since our talks and I've noticed his pattern of masturbation every morning as he's getting ready in the bathroom before work, and the thought consumes me. Its been over a week since he's initiated sex, but everyday I either hear him or notice his clothing (which now he's washing by hand and throwing in the dirty hamper to cover up what he's doing). Please help. I don't know what to do or how to confront him.
Well, since you have yet to tell him what the real problem is yet, how are you expecting things to change?

And, you've been praying to God for months? What was God's answer?
 

Tommy379

Senior Member
Jan 12, 2016
6,156
203
63
#25
Well, since you have yet to tell him what the real problem is yet, how are you expecting things to change?

And, you've been praying to God for months? What was God's answer?
I don't think God just intercedes like that. We have to do something.
 

Depleted

Senior Member
Dec 13, 2015
22,166
479
83
Philly, PA, USA
#26
Thank you for your advice. I agree. I am trying to work myself to telling him that I know and I have so many questions why he feels the need to do it when he ought to be saving himself for me, as it is intended.
When I'm too chicken to just say it, and fear I'll forget some of the things I want to say, I write it. And, after I write it, I get just enough guts to tell him what I need to talk about, and then just start reading what I wrote, until the tears stop me from reading anymore, but by then I don't need the writing because the words are coming anyway.

It's been a long time since I had to do that, but that's what I did when I was young. Now we're open enough to talk about anything. (Been married for 36 years, so don't remember when I dropped writing. Guaranteed it gets the topic out though.)
 

Depleted

Senior Member
Dec 13, 2015
22,166
479
83
Philly, PA, USA
#27
Most of the time he has his phone with him. He usually has it with him everywhere he goes. Its crossed my mind that he might be watching porn and I've been tempted to check his phone, but he changed his password (I use to have) when he fixed his phone. Even when I had his old password I had checked his phone 2x out of curiosity but honestly didn't know how to navigate it, other than texts and pics. I've wanted to ask him for the new password but don't want him to think I'm some crazy and controlling wife.

Tell me about it! I thought the newlywed's sex life was suppose to be a lot more frequent. Our sex life before we decided to abstain was amazing! When I brought this up to him he had the excuse that it was a lot more frequent because we only saw each other on the weekends, but even then the passion was there and it isn't anymore. I feel like its a chore for him when we are intimate :(
This really doesn't say your marriage will work out well. You don't trust your husband enough that you're already checking up on him after a mere three months? That's not on him. That's on you!
 

Lighthouse08

Junior Member
Oct 23, 2017
12
0
0
#28
There's a lot of really terrible advice on this thread. Your husband does not have Jesus. Jesus said that anyone who sins is a slave to sin. Its not metaphorical. Pornography has flooded the world like an infectious plague and when one continues willingly into sin, we are handed over to that sin. Then it becomes a bondage and is not controllable by willpower.

The cat lady needs to be quiet. She's not godly, and is answering in her own entertainment. This is a legitimate problem that will kill this marriage if not addressed immediately.

If he wasn't a Christian to begin with, then you're unequally yolked and you won't be able to do anything about it unless he comes to Jesus.

If he is, then he's walked away from the Lord. And from you. He needs to humble himself, get on his knees and ask Jesus for repentance. Repentence without turning away from sin is not repentance. He needs to ask Jesus for salvation and strength. Jesus will take this bondage from him if he sincerely asks. Your husband MUST obey Jesus commands.

As for you, your husband is committing adultery in his heart. It leads to adultery outside of the marriage. Confront him. Put on your big girl pants and get in his face. You didn't screw up, he did. Jesus is the only way. Repent. Obey His commands as He requires.

Matthew 22:37-38
John 14:15
James 2:17
 

PennEd

Senior Member
Apr 22, 2013
4,873
403
83
#30
There's a lot of really terrible advice on this thread. Your husband does not have Jesus. Jesus said that anyone who sins is a slave to sin. Its not metaphorical. Pornography has flooded the world like an infectious plague and when one continues willingly into sin, we are handed over to that sin. Then it becomes a bondage and is not controllable by willpower.

The cat lady needs to be quiet. She's not godly, and is answering in her own entertainment. This is a legitimate problem that will kill this marriage if not addressed immediately.

If he wasn't a Christian to begin with, then you're unequally yolked and you won't be able to do anything about it unless he comes to Jesus.

If he is, then he's walked away from the Lord. And from you. He needs to humble himself, get on his knees and ask Jesus for repentance. Repentence without turning away from sin is not repentance. He needs to ask Jesus for salvation and strength. Jesus will take this bondage from him if he sincerely asks. Your husband MUST obey Jesus commands.

As for you, your husband is committing adultery in his heart. It leads to adultery outside of the marriage. Confront him. Put on your big girl pants and get in his face. You didn't screw up, he did. Jesus is the only way. Repent. Obey His commands as He requires.

Matthew 22:37-38
John 14:15
James 2:17
Please disregard,and put on ignore everything this person posts. This is his very first post on CC. Zero love. A destructive sinless perfection doctrine, and oodles of judgement on everyone but himself. (see his other bull in a china closet posts he made today).
 
P

pckts

Guest
#31
It started to make sense to me, especially after finding semen on his clothes (underwear and T-shirts), that he had a secret and him taking long showers, and I can hear him quietly moan
I find it odd he is soiling his clothing and enjoying this so much you can hear him moan over running water.

Masturbation definitely diminishes sexual desire and pleasure. If you confront him and say "I want all of you to me" and "I don't want you pretending you are with other women", you are well within bounds to say these things and shouldn't feel hesitant or ashamed or anything. Mark your territory and he will respect and possibly be "turned on" by this, be aggressive or direct when you say it too.

Let him know the more the t-shirt gets the less satisfied you are, consequences to his selfish actions.
 

OneFaith

Senior Member
Sep 5, 2016
1,839
115
63
#32
This is what’s wrong with sex before marriage. If sex ever feels naughty, that, and not love, is going to be the key that starts the engine. Now that it no longer feels dirty to him, he’s off to find more dirt. Maybe smut, maybe in his imagination. Because perversion, not love, has become his driving force.
 
Feb 5, 2017
1,119
34
0
#33
If you get married, surely you have the kind of bond best friends do where you can talk about everything? If that is not the case, then work on that, because it is in being able to talk about anything together, you can work on the solution together. If you feel you have to 'confront' him, well that doesn't sound like you have that kind of bond. If maybe you are 'confrontational' because you keep it bottled up, then, maybe a lot of this issue comes from your side. When you keep things bottled up, it could mean you are judging him all day long. Who wants to be judged by their wife all day long? People pick up on everything, even that which is invisibly directed at them. And sometimes this can come from your own feeling of rejection, which is based on a possible assumption.

Just talk about it, not with a wall between you, talk without a wall. Whatever you think expands, so talking with a wall is inviting Trump to build a wall in your love life.
 

Lighthouse08

Junior Member
Oct 23, 2017
12
0
0
#34
No love? Jesus is love. I will not apologise for encouraging to seek Jesus FIRST. That was one of his commands. Im not being judgemental at all. Sin is destructive. Jesus is the only remedy. Otherwise, it's the lake of fire for you. Did I proclaim to be perfect? By no means.
 

Depleted

Senior Member
Dec 13, 2015
22,166
479
83
Philly, PA, USA
#35
No love? Jesus is love. I will not apologise for encouraging to seek Jesus FIRST. That was one of his commands. Im not being judgemental at all. Sin is destructive. Jesus is the only remedy. Otherwise, it's the lake of fire for you. Did I proclaim to be perfect? By no means.
In which case, by your own words you do not have Jesus.
Your husband does not have Jesus. Jesus said that anyone who sins is a slave to sin. Its not metaphorical.
How about that!
 

Lighthouse08

Junior Member
Oct 23, 2017
12
0
0
#36
You can copy and paste, good for you. Don't eat the glue.
 

Loyal2One

Junior Member
Oct 23, 2017
6
0
0
#37
Hi all. Thank you for all of your insights and advice. I took all of it into consideration. So we had the talk. I was so nervous, but I was straightforward and let him that I knew about his masturbation and how I knew given facts. I tried to be non-judgmental and came from a place of love. At first he remained very quiet and and still. It was obvious that he was shocked. He froze, not knowing what to say or how to react. I remained calm as I expressed what my suspicions were, and then he came to his defense and said that he didn't know what I was talking about. As I shared my feelings ad with him he became frustrated and left the room. I knew I had to give him some space and didn't want to pursue it if he wasn't willing to have an open and honest convo. and so I left it at that until he was calm.

He was passive aggressive (silent treatment) throughout the day/evening and as much as is a topic of conversation that is not easy to have, I needed to address it again, so that evening I said that we needed to talk about what had been brought up earlier. Again, he denied and shifted the focus on me that I had allowed my "suspicions" to make me think that he was pleasuring himself. As for the soiled clothing, he made the excuse that those were from the times we had intercourse. I told him that it made no sense that there would be soiled t-shirts, etc. for each day of the week if we are only having intercourse as little as we do. He really didn't have anything to say about that, but would shift the focus on me throughout the conversation how selfish I was to bring up my sexual frustrations.

Finally, about 40 minutes into the conversation, he admitted that he had given into "self-gratification" because he hasn't been getting as hard as he use to when aroused, and that it only has happened about 3 times after we were intimate, and needed to find out if he could get hard on his own, and that it only has happened about 3 times after we were intimate when he had difficulty staying erect and needed to find out if he could get become erect on his own. He added that other factors such as the changes as a married couple has also decreased his mood to be intimate as well as how in life our sex life is going to ebb and flow, such as now. He denied any viewing of pornography or lustful thoughts of others, and became very annoyed that I would even ask.

As much as I want to believe him, and perhaps some of it is true about what I would think could be Erectile Dysfunction, I just can't fully believe that he's only done it a few times given the evidence. I suggested that he see a doctor for the problem he is having and he didn't seem willing to. I'm sure if this continues, and I'm sure it will since it seems habitual, he'll be more careful about not soiling his clothes. Whether or not he's being totally honest with me, only he and God knows the truth. As a wife I can continue to pray and ask God to help my husband see what he is doing is wrong and may he repent and be saved. For me, I pray that God continue to give me the strength, grace, forgiveness, and a loving spirit to be a Godly woman/wife. Please pray for us. Thank you!
 

Huckleberry

Senior Member
Aug 25, 2013
1,632
53
48
#38
Please disregard,and put on ignore everything this person posts. This is his very first post on CC. Zero love. A destructive sinless perfection doctrine, and oodles of judgement on everyone but himself. (see his other bull in a china closet posts he made today).
Had this clown on ignore after reading his second post.
 

Depleted

Senior Member
Dec 13, 2015
22,166
479
83
Philly, PA, USA
#39
Hi all. Thank you for all of your insights and advice. I took all of it into consideration. So we had the talk. I was so nervous, but I was straightforward and let him that I knew about his masturbation and how I knew given facts. I tried to be non-judgmental and came from a place of love. At first he remained very quiet and and still. It was obvious that he was shocked. He froze, not knowing what to say or how to react. I remained calm as I expressed what my suspicions were, and then he came to his defense and said that he didn't know what I was talking about. As I shared my feelings ad with him he became frustrated and left the room. I knew I had to give him some space and didn't want to pursue it if he wasn't willing to have an open and honest convo. and so I left it at that until he was calm.

He was passive aggressive (silent treatment) throughout the day/evening and as much as is a topic of conversation that is not easy to have, I needed to address it again, so that evening I said that we needed to talk about what had been brought up earlier. Again, he denied and shifted the focus on me that I had allowed my "suspicions" to make me think that he was pleasuring himself. As for the soiled clothing, he made the excuse that those were from the times we had intercourse. I told him that it made no sense that there would be soiled t-shirts, etc. for each day of the week if we are only having intercourse as little as we do. He really didn't have anything to say about that, but would shift the focus on me throughout the conversation how selfish I was to bring up my sexual frustrations.

Finally, about 40 minutes into the conversation, he admitted that he had given into "self-gratification" because he hasn't been getting as hard as he use to when aroused, and that it only has happened about 3 times after we were intimate, and needed to find out if he could get hard on his own, and that it only has happened about 3 times after we were intimate when he had difficulty staying erect and needed to find out if he could get become erect on his own. He added that other factors such as the changes as a married couple has also decreased his mood to be intimate as well as how in life our sex life is going to ebb and flow, such as now. He denied any viewing of pornography or lustful thoughts of others, and became very annoyed that I would even ask.

As much as I want to believe him, and perhaps some of it is true about what I would think could be Erectile Dysfunction, I just can't fully believe that he's only done it a few times given the evidence. I suggested that he see a doctor for the problem he is having and he didn't seem willing to. I'm sure if this continues, and I'm sure it will since it seems habitual, he'll be more careful about not soiling his clothes. Whether or not he's being totally honest with me, only he and God knows the truth. As a wife I can continue to pray and ask God to help my husband see what he is doing is wrong and may he repent and be saved. For me, I pray that God continue to give me the strength, grace, forgiveness, and a loving spirit to be a Godly woman/wife. Please pray for us. Thank you!
Honestly, I get he was hugely embarrassed. I think I would have asked how long he needed to get over that part and come back to the discussion. That way he didn't have to do the silent treatment, (which was probably more about being embarrassed than anger, although, yeah, when we're embarrassed, we usually take it out on the person who embarrassed us.) Or, he did have to go silent, but out of embarrassment. And, during that time it takes him to get over being embarrassed, I would have shown him I still love him, so that's not the problem.

Then once he got over that and back to the real issue, (no nooky for me, because he's nookying without me), then I would have skipped over how often he did it. Personally, I don't care. The point would be I ain't getting enough! (Hey, excuse the language, but I'm old now, and gave up trying to be subtle decades ago.) So, if it is ED, then let me prove it's not that the "fun way." A time or two where he gets all the action, and no expectation of return for the time spent. Matter of fact, no return is expected.

I really do think guys, especially young guys, can't sustain as long as women can. So, give some and get some. Either his turn or your turn without expectation of both turns in one round. But, honestly, since both of you were getting your turns plenty before marriage, I suspect it will get back to that eventually. Maybe even shortly. But it is a lot of pressure on young men to satisfy every single time. Timing is everything, and for the young guys it doesn't take much time at all.

Take that pressure off, and I suspect ED isn't quite a problem.

And if it is, then it's time for a doctor.

But, honestly, I don't think you were being completely honest with him either. Tell him what you're thinking. You didn't, since you suspect he wasn't telling the whole truth.

Do you have any idea what it's like to be with the same guy for decades at a time? It's way too hard to hold back what your thinking. It's actually bad to hold back, because the idea is you stick together forever. How are you going to do that, if you can't even be honest enough to let him know what you're thinking? If you plan on waiting ten to 20 years, it just gets tougher, and you just hold more and more in. So will he, until one or the other of you walks out the door never to return.

Be honest! And keep being honest! AND keep trying to see it from his point of views too. That's how you stick together.
 

BillG

Senior Member
Feb 15, 2017
5,038
468
83
#40
Please disregard,and put on ignore everything this person posts. This is his very first post on CC. Zero love. A destructive sinless perfection doctrine, and oodles of judgement on everyone but himself. (see his other bull in a china closet posts he made today).
Seem to have been a few pop up recently.