Divorce?

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Mar 13, 2019
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#1
Just reaching out to anyone who’s recently divorced or considering it. How do you know it’s the right thing to do? My story is long so I won’t bore anyone but I’m very unhappily married. I don’t believe in divorce but I feel I’ve tried everything to make my marriage work. I’ve placed it in God’s hands at this point but I don’t honestly feel it can be saved. I’m just tired of living a lie, pretending to be happy and being more lonely than if I was actually alone. I miss love honestly.
 

AxeElf

Active member
Mar 5, 2019
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#2
Divorce should not be taken lightly by any means, and if you are not in an abusive relationship, I can't imagine general "unhappiness" being a good reason for divorce. Unhappiness in the absence of real danger is generally something that comes from within you--wanting something for yourself other than what you have.

Remember that hate is not the opposite of love; selfishness is the opposite of love, and if you miss love, there's a good chance that you are acting out of selfish interests and self-centered desires instead of love towards your husband. It takes a conscious effort to overcome our own nature of selfishness and take on Christ's nature of love.

That said, if you are in an abusive relationship, then yes, getting out of it may be the best answer.
 
Mar 13, 2019
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#3
Divorce should not be taken lightly by any means, and if you are not in an abusive relationship, I can't imagine general "unhappiness" being a good reason for divorce. Unhappiness in the absence of real danger is generally something that comes from within you--wanting something for yourself other than what you have.

Remember that hate is not the opposite of love; selfishness is the opposite of love, and if you miss love, there's a good chance that you are acting out of selfish interests and self-centered desires instead of love towards your husband. It takes a conscious effort to overcome our own nature of selfishness and take on Christ's nature of love.

That said, if you are in an abusive relationship, then yes, getting out of it may be the best answer.
I don’t take it likely...if I did I would have left a long time ago. I’ve been unhappy for years. While I appreciate and respect your response this is far from me being selfish. My husband totally changed when we got married. We became friends/ roommates that’s it. I’ve begged him to go to counseling with me he refuses I’ve asked him to see a Dr he refuses. I wanted children badly and he knew this before we got married. I try to talk to him he won’t talk about it. While I don’t believe in divorce I don’t believe I should have to live this way either.
 

AxeElf

Active member
Mar 5, 2019
246
95
28
#4
Unhappiness in the absence of real danger is generally something that comes from within you--wanting something for yourself other than what you have.
Oh boy, right again...

I don’t believe I should have to live this way either.
Yep, that's it right there. You want something better for yourself than what you have.

Nailed it.
 

Subhumanoidal

Well-known member
Sep 17, 2018
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#5
For some reason I don't see saying "you're selfish" then puffing out your chest and saying "see I'm right" is actually going to be of any benefit to the OP. It's a rather sad and egocentric approach which is a disappointment from one that, up till now, seems to have had solid posts (from what I've seen).

@MissingLove
While I'm certain you are not taking the matter so lightly it may benefit to also consider the difficulties that follow divorce and weigh those as well.
The average time for emotional divorce recovery is 5 years. While many rush into relationships or even marriage, which is likely a good portion of why second marriages have a higher divorce rate than first, it means taking as long as you need, without dating, to have a chance at another marriage actually being successful.
Even those in unhappy marriages suffer this.
If children are involved there's issues to consider there and if you'll be able to get them help to deal with the divorce.

I'm not trying to suggest you should or shouldn't but ensuring you have weighed all options. I've not been divorced myself (or married for that matter) but I have been involved with those that have and seen the damage that such unhealthy marriages have on people. It's a tough choice, but whatever you choose just make sure you've considered the consequences of Both sides and be sure you aren't caught off guard or in regret once an irreversible choice is made.
 

Didymous

Senior Member
Feb 22, 2018
3,991
1,202
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#6
My first and second wife(same woman)divorced me, and I didn't have a say in those matters. I'm working on getting a divorce from my third wife-who isn't a believer. I don't know that being very unhappy is a biblical reason for divorce. I've learned that happiness(or joy)comes from the Lord, and comes from within-not from anyone or anyone outside of me. I suppose the main thing is that the Lord forgives even unbiblical divorces.
 

tjogs

Senior Member
Jun 28, 2009
296
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#7
reading this thread gave me two thoughts about your situation: abuse does not have to be physical. And even if you dont think its metally abusing have your spouse be challenged by: "Do not take your spouse granted. you must work for love"

Does he know you want to divorce? how he reacts to that or the thought you may go away?
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
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Florida
#8
Just reaching out to anyone who’s recently divorced or considering it. How do you know it’s the right thing to do? My story is long so I won’t bore anyone but I’m very unhappily married. I don’t believe in divorce but I feel I’ve tried everything to make my marriage work. I’ve placed it in God’s hands at this point but I don’t honestly feel it can be saved. I’m just tired of living a lie, pretending to be happy and being more lonely than if I was actually alone. I miss love honestly.
My counsel is to do what you think is best to survive. A lot of members on this site have had a divorce in their past, including myself, due to horrible marriages so please know that you are not alone in this. We all have a story to tell so feel free to tell yours. Hopefully, yu will find comfort, support and understanding from the members of this site. Glad to have you join our community. Welcome to CC.
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
26,732
5,062
113
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Florida
#9
I don’t take it likely...if I did I would have left a long time ago. I’ve been unhappy for years. While I appreciate and respect your response this is far from me being selfish. My husband totally changed when we got married. We became friends/ roommates that’s it. I’ve begged him to go to counseling with me he refuses I’ve asked him to see a Dr he refuses. I wanted children badly and he knew this before we got married. I try to talk to him he won’t talk about it. While I don’t believe in divorce I don’t believe I should have to live this way either.
No, you don't have to live that way.
 
Mar 13, 2019
39
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#10
For some reason I don't see saying "you're selfish" then puffing out your chest and saying "see I'm right" is actually going to be of any benefit to the OP. It's a rather sad and egocentric approach which is a disappointment from one that, up till now, seems to have had solid posts (from what I've seen).

@MissingLove
While I'm certain you are not taking the matter so lightly it may benefit to also consider the difficulties that follow divorce and weigh those as well.
The average time for emotional divorce recovery is 5 years. While many rush into relationships or even marriage, which is likely a good portion of why second marriages have a higher divorce rate than first, it means taking as long as you need, without dating, to have a chance at another marriage actually being successful.
Even those in unhappy marriages suffer this.
If children are involved there's issues to consider there and if you'll be able to get them help to deal with the divorce.

I'm not trying to suggest you should or shouldn't but ensuring you have weighed all options. I've not been divorced myself (or married for that matter) but I have been involved with those that have and seen the damage that such unhealthy marriages have on people. It's a tough choice, but whatever you choose just make sure you've considered the consequences of Both sides and be sure you aren't caught off guard or in regret once an irreversible choice is made.
Thank you for your reply. I have considered both sides which is why I’m still here. I have truly fallen out of love with my husband because of all that’s went on. I have begged and pleaded for years with him to go with me to counseling or something and he refuses. I just can’t understand how a partner can let the other cry and hurt and it doesn’t affect them. I’m just at a loss. I can barely get him to even go to church with me anymore. We don’t have children as I said before I wanted them badly but he would never talk to me about it.
 
Mar 13, 2019
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#11
reading this thread gave me two thoughts about your situation: abuse does not have to be physical. And even if you dont think its metally abusing have your spouse be challenged by: "Do not take your spouse granted. you must work for love"

Does he know you want to divorce? how he reacts to that or the thought you may go away?
I talked to him at Christmas told him I was reaching out one last time for him to go to counseling with me or at least talk to me. He cried and said he would go with me that he didn’t want me to leave. I set up counseling he would only do it over the phone he wouldn’t go in person and we had 3 sessions and he quit. He won’t talk about that either if I mention it he ignores me. I told him at Christmas if things didn’t get better I was leaving.
 
Mar 13, 2019
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#12
My counsel is to do what you think is best to survive. A lot of members on this site have had a divorce in their past, including myself, due to horrible marriages so please know that you are not alone in this. We all have a story to tell so feel free to tell yours. Hopefully, yu will find comfort, support and understanding from the members of this site. Glad to have you join our community. Welcome to CC.
Thank you I appreciate it.
 

Subhumanoidal

Well-known member
Sep 17, 2018
899
724
93
#13
Thank you for your reply. I have considered both sides which is why I’m still here. I have truly fallen out of love with my husband because of all that’s went on. I have begged and pleaded for years with him to go with me to counseling or something and he refuses. I just can’t understand how a partner can let the other cry and hurt and it doesn’t affect them. I’m just at a loss. I can barely get him to even go to church with me anymore. We don’t have children as I said before I wanted them badly but he would never talk to me about it.
My own father went through similar in his first marriage. He married a woman and before even arriving at the honeymoon she became an entirely different person, mean and nasty. He stuck around a few years, but eventually divorced, something i'm sure he didn't want to do.
Sometimes people hide their true selves, others change. I knew one woman who was a pastors wife for over 10 years. She was everything you'd expect from a southerner and wife of a baptist pastor, and then something in her changed. She started cheating, sleeping around, neglecting her children. I remember her telling me she wasn't sure why it was all happening, what the cause was. She changed.
So who knows what his reasoning is. You'll probably never truly know, so it's best to focus on making the best choices and not worry about the reasons. It's a sad event, no doubt. Hopefully something turns around for you, in one way or another.
 
Mar 13, 2019
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#14
My own father went through similar in his first marriage. He married a woman and before even arriving at the honeymoon she became an entirely different person, mean and nasty. He stuck around a few years, but eventually divorced, something i'm sure he didn't want to do.
Sometimes people hide their true selves, others change. I knew one woman who was a pastors wife for over 10 years. She was everything you'd expect from a southerner and wife of a baptist pastor, and then something in her changed. She started cheating, sleeping around, neglecting her children. I remember her telling me she wasn't sure why it was all happening, what the cause was. She changed.
So who knows what his reasoning is. You'll probably never truly know, so it's best to focus on making the best choices and not worry about the reasons. It's a sad event, no doubt. Hopefully something turns around for you, in one way or another.
Thank you I appreciate you not putting me down. I truly want to do the right thing.
 

Dino246

Senior Member
Jun 30, 2015
8,586
3,387
113
#15
Just reaching out to anyone who’s recently divorced or considering it. How do you know it’s the right thing to do? My story is long so I won’t bore anyone but I’m very unhappily married. I don’t believe in divorce but I feel I’ve tried everything to make my marriage work. I’ve placed it in God’s hands at this point but I don’t honestly feel it can be saved. I’m just tired of living a lie, pretending to be happy and being more lonely than if I was actually alone. I miss love honestly.
Hello...
Divorce is horrid, and having gone through one, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. That said, I can relate to your situation. Have you considered legal separation? Divorce is a last step, not a first.

I suggest that if your husband is so unwilling to budge on getting counseling, a few weeks on his own may sway him. Don’t negotiate; just leave and make clear that the next step is his.

In the meantime, set up your separate accounts and so on, so you’re as financially independent as possible. If he’s truly intransigent, you may be in that state for a while.

Through it all, pray like you’ve never prayed before. God is still in the business of miracles. :)
 

AxeElf

Active member
Mar 5, 2019
246
95
28
#16
For some reason I don't see saying "you're selfish" then puffing out your chest and saying "see I'm right" is actually going to be of any benefit to the OP.
Maybe there's a reason for that.

I've not been divorced myself (or married for that matter)...
Ah, there it is.

It's a rather sad and egocentric approach which is a disappointment from one that, up till now, seems to have had solid posts (from what I've seen).
Think of it as tough love. Understanding our own human nature of selfishness goes a long way towards upholding the two Great Commandments--to love God and to love others.

Loving ourselves was never among them.
 
L

LadyInWaiting

Guest
#17
Threads like these make me afraid of getting married. MissingLove, I can understand how you feel because I've had family and friends go through the same thing. The love just eventually diminishes to nothing. I don't really know what to tell you other than you are not alone and that I'll be praying for you. I suspect there are MANY men and women who feel the same way as you. Lonely and without affection stuck in a loveless marriage. Maybe you should go find other WOMEN who share those feelings? At least you would have friends that could help you feel better and maybe give you tips on how to navigate such a difficult marriage.
AxeElf, I see what your point is. I really do see it...but maybe try toning it down a little? I don't think people really listen to those who tear them up so quickly. Just my thoughts...
 

AxeElf

Active member
Mar 5, 2019
246
95
28
#18
AxeElf, I see what your point is. I really do see it...but maybe try toning it down a little? I don't think people really listen to those who tear them up so quickly. Just my thoughts...
Great... but holding up a mirror isn't tearing someone up.

Life isn't easy and nobody "deserves" to be happy. She picked a guy who has a very hard time being open with his feelings, perhaps even "breaking down his walls" or "reaching him" was part of the initial attraction, but now it's turning out to be more work than she wanted to have to do to cultivate and maintain a relationship with him. It doesn't sound like he's abusive in any way, he's just distant.

He seems to still have feelings, but it's very hard for him to express and manage them. She has the same choice that any of us have at any time in our lives--she can act in love, or she can act in selfishness. The more she acts in one, the less she will act in the other, and there is simply no sugarcoating that fact.
 
Mar 13, 2019
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#19
Great... but holding up a mirror isn't tearing someone up.

Life isn't easy and nobody "deserves" to be happy. She picked a guy who has a very hard time being open with his feelings, perhaps even "breaking down his walls" or "reaching him" was part of the initial attraction, but now it's turning out to be more work than she wanted to have to do to cultivate and maintain a relationship with him. It doesn't sound like he's abusive in any way, he's just distant.

He seems to still have feelings, but it's very hard for him to express and manage them. She has the same choice that any of us have at any time in our lives--she can act in love, or she can act in selfishness. The more she acts in one, the less she will act in the other, and there is simply no sugarcoating that fact.
Wow I sure hope you end up in a perfect marriage. I’m pretty sure we are told to be Christ like..I will pray for you.
 

AxeElf

Active member
Mar 5, 2019
246
95
28
#20
Wow I sure hope you end up in a perfect marriage.
I hope EVERYONE ends up in a perfect marriage, but unfortunately, the ideal of perfection in any matter that concerns human beings does not exist.

I’m pretty sure we are told to be Christ like.
We are indeed asked to emulate Christ--but don't try to insinuate that Christ didn't tell people the truth, even when it wasn't what they wanted to hear, and even when it wasn't warm and fuzzy.

I will pray for you.
I can understand why you might want me, but you can pray for me all you like and you still can't have me--I'm taken. Pray like Jesus prayed, to align His mind with the will of God--more "thy will be done" and less "my will be done."