Feeling lost and confused.

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Apr 15, 2019
7
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#1
Ok been reading through some things on CC. I’ll start from the beginning. Soon to be 18 years ago I married my wife whom I still love very much to this day spite our troubles we have endured through our our marriage. We married young but not before my wife had second thoughts, cold feet it seemed). Not long after I was deployed due to events on 9/11. Ever since coming home things haven’t been right. We felt distant at times, I felt useless because my wife held everything together at home. Fast forward 6 years, deployed again. Things started to go south, resentment for leaving her with two young boys. Lots of arguing even though I called every chance I got to check in and let her know I was ok. Came home and the distance felt worse. We didn’t talk much I didn’t say much and became closed off bad and turn to drinking to much.
This is when it all started. My wife befriended a male and they talked a lot. And eventually lead her to going to the “gym” found out she was meeting him. I found out after a month and it was going south for her too. Apparently he wanted more but she kept herself from cheating. We spoke took me along time to Forgive.
Couple years later you all guessed it. Deployment number 3, this time her mom gotten cancer. That’s when we both quit smoking. First thing we did together in a long time. I had to deploy and ended up coming home a couple weeks early to be there made it home a few days before she passed. My wife never really grieved the loss.m and it’s been hard on her and us. Things seemed ok but I feel into the beer and being alone state again. To the point we never talked or sat together. A few years went by and I started to notice my wife playing on her phone playing games and chatting. I guess I got the courage and asked what is going on basically.
She told me she wasn’t happy. We talked and figured some things out.
Well that was last year and the past year has felt like lies. I thought she was cheating online on me. That was not true I was told. Come to find months later she had logged into a chat site on our home computer and I came across it so I started to dig. And found words of love being said between her and another guy. I printed as much as I could out. Broke down and texted her to meet me I needed to talk to he about something I found.
Let me back up here. We were seeing a counselor before this happened. We met I never showed her what I have and still have to this day. We both broke down and cried. We didn’t speak for the rest of the day after that. We started to rebuild what we had left. I still wasn’t convinced because I lost all trust and tried. I kept blaming her and myself for our mistakes. Because of the way I had treated her things would not have happened. Things seemed good intimacy is great between us better than when we got married. The past month something wasn’t feeling right. After 20 years knowing someone you just know. I kept asking what is wrong. Because the phone is always in her hand playing games and chatting. Argument start about me wanting more or she doesn’t know what I want.
All I ask her for is her attention and to show me I live her. Well a few days ago she broke down and told me she feels lost, confused, broken and doesn’t know how she feels for me anymore. There was even mention of walking away. But that is out dead last option. She feels we both have been sad the past year. I tried to explain because I feel shut out and don’t have your full attention. Then the argument start about how she doesn’t use 4 phones for the game and she put the phone away and I get time. So I ask when is that. Baseball game every other weekend and a monthly date night. I’m told we sit in the couch and I just tell her the phone is in her face how is that sitting together. Now I have made her feel she isn’t good enough and she isn’t what I want. I try to tell her she is what I want and I want no one else. I have never cheated or even looked at another woman other than as a co-worker or sister in uniform. I have no interest for anyone else as my live is for her and only her. So I asked her why is it when we are intimate we feel the true emotions and live for each other but during the day it’s not there. I was told they are real emotions and it’s easier to block out the past. So I tried to get her to see the phone is a problem. And now she feels she hasn’t lived the life she wanted. Feels she needs to go out drinking with friends and co-workers. I have since cut back a lot in drinking because I saw it was affecting my marriage. Sorry a little long winded.
 

JustEli

Well-known member
Dec 23, 2018
620
443
63
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#2
Those phone games such as invasion and mobile strike are designed to be highly addictive.
And %90 of the people that play are men, who dont give one whit about anything.
I am VERY famileir with your situation. So is my estranged wife.
 

Hungry

Senior Member
Nov 26, 2012
1,847
458
83
#3
Sorry to hear about your struggles. As much as I would like to say there is a formula to fix your dilemma, it would be a lie. Even if from this day forward you did everything right as a model husband, it takes two people working on a marriage to repair the damage. All you can do is be the best dad you can and do your part.

Couples generally grow together, sharing life, and tackling obstacles as a team. I have first hand experience of working away from home. They get used to you being gone and you get used to being gone. When you come back home things aren’t like when you left. She got tougher having to handle more than her share and perhaps bitter. She learned how to cope with being by herself and maybe she’s lonely.

It’s not over til it’s over but you obviously have to change the game. She’s looking for fun and at home can often be work. Find fun things you can do together. Learn how to like eachother again.
 
Apr 15, 2019
7
5
3
#5
Sorry to hear about your struggles. As much as I would like to say there is a formula to fix your dilemma, it would be a lie. Even if from this day forward you did everything right as a model husband, it takes two people working on a marriage to repair the damage. All you can do is be the best dad you can and do your part.

Couples generally grow together, sharing life, and tackling obstacles as a team. I have first hand experience of working away from home. They get used to you being gone and you get used to being gone. When you come back home things aren’t like when you left. She got tougher having to handle more than her share and perhaps bitter. She learned how to cope with being by herself and maybe she’s lonely.

It’s not over til it’s over but you obviously have to change the game. She’s looking for fun and at home can often be work. Find fun things you can do together. Learn how to like eachother again.
There was bitterness and resentment about it all.
 

Godsgirl83

Well-known member
Apr 1, 2019
341
353
63
#8
Ok been reading through some things on CC. I’ll start from the beginning. Soon to be 18 years ago I married my wife whom I still love very much to this day spite our troubles we have endured through our our marriage. We married young but not before my wife had second thoughts, cold feet it seemed). Not long after I was deployed due to events on 9/11. Ever since coming home things haven’t been right. We felt distant at times, I felt useless because my wife held everything together at home. Fast forward 6 years, deployed again. Things started to go south, resentment for leaving her with two young boys. Lots of arguing even though I called every chance I got to check in and let her know I was ok. Came home and the distance felt worse. We didn’t talk much I didn’t say much and became closed off bad and turn to drinking to much.
This is when it all started. My wife befriended a male and they talked a lot. And eventually lead her to going to the “gym” found out she was meeting him. I found out after a month and it was going south for her too. Apparently he wanted more but she kept herself from cheating. We spoke took me along time to Forgive.
Couple years later you all guessed it. Deployment number 3, this time her mom gotten cancer. That’s when we both quit smoking. First thing we did together in a long time. I had to deploy and ended up coming home a couple weeks early to be there made it home a few days before she passed. My wife never really grieved the loss.m and it’s been hard on her and us. Things seemed ok but I feel into the beer and being alone state again. To the point we never talked or sat together. A few years went by and I started to notice my wife playing on her phone playing games and chatting. I guess I got the courage and asked what is going on basically.
She told me she wasn’t happy. We talked and figured some things out.
Well that was last year and the past year has felt like lies. I thought she was cheating online on me. That was not true I was told. Come to find months later she had logged into a chat site on our home computer and I came across it so I started to dig. And found words of love being said between her and another guy. I printed as much as I could out. Broke down and texted her to meet me I needed to talk to he about something I found.
Let me back up here. We were seeing a counselor before this happened. We met I never showed her what I have and still have to this day. We both broke down and cried. We didn’t speak for the rest of the day after that. We started to rebuild what we had left. I still wasn’t convinced because I lost all trust and tried. I kept blaming her and myself for our mistakes. Because of the way I had treated her things would not have happened. Things seemed good intimacy is great between us better than when we got married. The past month something wasn’t feeling right. After 20 years knowing someone you just know. I kept asking what is wrong. Because the phone is always in her hand playing games and chatting. Argument start about me wanting more or she doesn’t know what I want.
All I ask her for is her attention and to show me I live her. Well a few days ago she broke down and told me she feels lost, confused, broken and doesn’t know how she feels for me anymore. There was even mention of walking away. But that is out dead last option. She feels we both have been sad the past year. I tried to explain because I feel shut out and don’t have your full attention. Then the argument start about how she doesn’t use 4 phones for the game and she put the phone away and I get time. So I ask when is that. Baseball game every other weekend and a monthly date night. I’m told we sit in the couch and I just tell her the phone is in her face how is that sitting together. Now I have made her feel she isn’t good enough and she isn’t what I want. I try to tell her she is what I want and I want no one else. I have never cheated or even looked at another woman other than as a co-worker or sister in uniform. I have no interest for anyone else as my live is for her and only her. So I asked her why is it when we are intimate we feel the true emotions and live for each other but during the day it’s not there. I was told they are real emotions and it’s easier to block out the past. So I tried to get her to see the phone is a problem. And now she feels she hasn’t lived the life she wanted. Feels she needs to go out drinking with friends and co-workers. I have since cut back a lot in drinking because I saw it was affecting my marriage. Sorry a little long winded.
REDLEG: first off, I gather from your post that you are in (or have been in) a form of service............ so for that THANK YOU!
you have nothing to apologize for here, sometimes these heartfelt cries need to be long winded.
I do not have a "magic answer" to your situation, but what I do have for you is this:
Jesus is the answer to all our problems. Get into the Word of God (the Bible) in it, (James 4:8) it says to draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Even when it does not seem like it, He is there.
Blessings!
 
May 24, 2014
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#9
Matthew 19
19:25 When his disciples heard [it], they were exceedingly amazed, saying, Who then can be saved?
19:26 But Jesus beheld [them], and said unto them, With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible.

Surely this applies to marriages also. One thing is for certain; God wants us to take it to Him, TOGETHER.
 
May 24, 2014
1,032
238
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#10
Psalm 121
121:1 A Song of degrees. I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help.
121:2 My help [cometh] from the LORD, which made heaven and earth.
121:3 He will not suffer thy foot to be moved: he that keepeth thee will not slumber.
121:4 Behold, he that keepeth Israel shall neither slumber nor sleep.
121:5 The LORD [is] thy keeper: the LORD [is] thy shade upon thy right hand.
121:6 The sun shall not smite thee by day, nor the moon by night.
121:7 The LORD shall preserve thee from all evil: he shall preserve thy soul.
121:8 The LORD shall preserve thy going out and thy coming in from this time forth, and even for evermore.
 
Apr 15, 2019
7
5
3
#11
REDLEG: first off, I gather from your post that you are in (or have been in) a form of service............ so for that THANK YOU!
you have nothing to apologize for here, sometimes these heartfelt cries need to be long winded.
I do not have a "magic answer" to your situation, but what I do have for you is this:
Jesus is the answer to all our problems. Get into the Word of God (the Bible) in it, (James 4:8) it says to draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Even when it does not seem like it, He is there.
Blessings!
Your welcome and I was. I retired 2 years ago ago this month. Thought things would get better once I retired. There was to much resentment for that to happen on her part
 
Apr 15, 2019
7
5
3
#12
In all this frustration, sadness and lost feeling. I realize I haven’t been the best husband or perfect husband. I just thought I was making the best choice for my family. I have accepted my mistakes, I need to show my wife I will and can forgive her for hers. She has shown sadness and real feelings of sadness for hers. I know and admit I am having a hard time believing what she says and I can say I trust but is little trust I have. I know this is an issue in any relationship.
 

Godsgirl83

Well-known member
Apr 1, 2019
341
353
63
#13
Myself, I'm an "army brat". I understand what military life can do to a family, in more ways than one. It's wonderful that there is all this recognition for PTSD and other issues now. (It was not so for my dad when I was growing up) the one thing I personally have never seen or heard about is the emotional support that is needed both to those who serve(d) and their families.
Trust is a delicate thing.
 
Apr 15, 2019
7
5
3
#14
Myself, I'm an "army brat". I understand what military life can do to a family, in more ways than one. It's wonderful that there is all this recognition for PTSD and other issues now. (It was not so for my dad when I was growing up) the one thing I personally have never seen or heard about is the emotional support that is needed both to those who serve(d) and their families.
Trust is a delicate thing.
There is some family bonding support for military in know at least in National Gaurd. Honestly it’s kind of a joke. When I had gone. It was in early stages and all they talked was how changes may have ocurred and taken place. But not about how to deal with it or where to look for help.
 
Mar 23, 2019
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#15
I appreciate you sacrificing your time for the needs of others. That is a courageous thing to do. Preface: I am not married and I haven't been in the military...

I do know that when things have been stuck in a rut for me a "catalyst" can be one of the few things that can spur me out of my funk.
If the Lord isn't for it, it doesn't do much but serve my own ego and I've done random moves to unknown places in the past just to see if he has anything different for me.

It has served to throw off the fetters of the despondent bitter mindset that sort of just hovers around when life seems too hum-drum. Where the Lord is just as displeased with my lukewarm bitterness as I am. I'm single though so there is that. It doesn't happen as often anymore because I'm learning a tad bit more patience...

Anyway, I don't know your situation but I would encourage you to consider something a bit radical. Not too out there like selling all your possessions and going into the mission field (I did know a couple that did that according to what they heard), but maybe something like a one month journey helping out a missionary someplace to just focus on relational goals/mending that I completely believe the Lord is the best at working out IF both parties are in spiritual agreement. My first thought was a trip to Europe motif but I feel like when there are relational issues it could serve well to not focus on just self-satisfaction (although maybe that's what you need)

There are also programs like "Choices seminar" that are secular and my parents went through it and worked through some of their stuff. I went through it and found it a bit too "name it and claim it" but that was solo and having the knowledge of the program I can see how it could work well for couples if they are in agreement and include the Lord in the journey. I don't know of any Christian based programs like that but there are many people that are claim Christ that have gone through it. I'm sure there probably are and if you do find a good one I'd like to hear about it.

Godly Agreement is a hard thing but there IS spiritual accord out there. It just takes willingness and I believe the Lord will do the rest.

Peace be with you man, thanks for sharing.
 
Feb 28, 2016
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#16
our Saviour has given each of us who Loves Him the tools to 'over-come' addictions,
whether physical, emotional/mental -
but, we have to have the faith and will and strength to use them...
and of course our fruits will bear witness, they don't lie...

like it is written -
'I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me.'