Feeling lost and confused.

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Apr 15, 2019
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#1
Ok been reading through some things on CC. I’ll start from the beginning. Soon to be 18 years ago I married my wife whom I still love very much to this day spite our troubles we have endured through our our marriage. We married young but not before my wife had second thoughts, cold feet it seemed). Not long after I was deployed due to events on 9/11. Ever since coming home things haven’t been right. We felt distant at times, I felt useless because my wife held everything together at home. Fast forward 6 years, deployed again. Things started to go south, resentment for leaving her with two young boys. Lots of arguing even though I called every chance I got to check in and let her know I was ok. Came home and the distance felt worse. We didn’t talk much I didn’t say much and became closed off bad and turn to drinking to much.
This is when it all started. My wife befriended a male and they talked a lot. And eventually lead her to going to the “gym” found out she was meeting him. I found out after a month and it was going south for her too. Apparently he wanted more but she kept herself from cheating. We spoke took me along time to Forgive.
Couple years later you all guessed it. Deployment number 3, this time her mom gotten cancer. That’s when we both quit smoking. First thing we did together in a long time. I had to deploy and ended up coming home a couple weeks early to be there made it home a few days before she passed. My wife never really grieved the loss.m and it’s been hard on her and us. Things seemed ok but I feel into the beer and being alone state again. To the point we never talked or sat together. A few years went by and I started to notice my wife playing on her phone playing games and chatting. I guess I got the courage and asked what is going on basically.
She told me she wasn’t happy. We talked and figured some things out.
Well that was last year and the past year has felt like lies. I thought she was cheating online on me. That was not true I was told. Come to find months later she had logged into a chat site on our home computer and I came across it so I started to dig. And found words of love being said between her and another guy. I printed as much as I could out. Broke down and texted her to meet me I needed to talk to he about something I found.
Let me back up here. We were seeing a counselor before this happened. We met I never showed her what I have and still have to this day. We both broke down and cried. We didn’t speak for the rest of the day after that. We started to rebuild what we had left. I still wasn’t convinced because I lost all trust and tried. I kept blaming her and myself for our mistakes. Because of the way I had treated her things would not have happened. Things seemed good intimacy is great between us better than when we got married. The past month something wasn’t feeling right. After 20 years knowing someone you just know. I kept asking what is wrong. Because the phone is always in her hand playing games and chatting. Argument start about me wanting more or she doesn’t know what I want.
All I ask her for is her attention and to show me I live her. Well a few days ago she broke down and told me she feels lost, confused, broken and doesn’t know how she feels for me anymore. There was even mention of walking away. But that is out dead last option. She feels we both have been sad the past year. I tried to explain because I feel shut out and don’t have your full attention. Then the argument start about how she doesn’t use 4 phones for the game and she put the phone away and I get time. So I ask when is that. Baseball game every other weekend and a monthly date night. I’m told we sit in the couch and I just tell her the phone is in her face how is that sitting together. Now I have made her feel she isn’t good enough and she isn’t what I want. I try to tell her she is what I want and I want no one else. I have never cheated or even looked at another woman other than as a co-worker or sister in uniform. I have no interest for anyone else as my live is for her and only her. So I asked her why is it when we are intimate we feel the true emotions and live for each other but during the day it’s not there. I was told they are real emotions and it’s easier to block out the past. So I tried to get her to see the phone is a problem. And now she feels she hasn’t lived the life she wanted. Feels she needs to go out drinking with friends and co-workers. I have since cut back a lot in drinking because I saw it was affecting my marriage. Sorry a little long winded.
 

JustEli

Well-known member
Dec 23, 2018
873
636
93
45
#2
Those phone games such as invasion and mobile strike are designed to be highly addictive.
And %90 of the people that play are men, who dont give one whit about anything.
I am VERY famileir with your situation. So is my estranged wife.
 

Hungry

Senior Member
Nov 26, 2012
1,954
544
113
#3
Sorry to hear about your struggles. As much as I would like to say there is a formula to fix your dilemma, it would be a lie. Even if from this day forward you did everything right as a model husband, it takes two people working on a marriage to repair the damage. All you can do is be the best dad you can and do your part.

Couples generally grow together, sharing life, and tackling obstacles as a team. I have first hand experience of working away from home. They get used to you being gone and you get used to being gone. When you come back home things aren’t like when you left. She got tougher having to handle more than her share and perhaps bitter. She learned how to cope with being by herself and maybe she’s lonely.

It’s not over til it’s over but you obviously have to change the game. She’s looking for fun and at home can often be work. Find fun things you can do together. Learn how to like eachother again.
 
Apr 15, 2019
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#5
Sorry to hear about your struggles. As much as I would like to say there is a formula to fix your dilemma, it would be a lie. Even if from this day forward you did everything right as a model husband, it takes two people working on a marriage to repair the damage. All you can do is be the best dad you can and do your part.

Couples generally grow together, sharing life, and tackling obstacles as a team. I have first hand experience of working away from home. They get used to you being gone and you get used to being gone. When you come back home things aren’t like when you left. She got tougher having to handle more than her share and perhaps bitter. She learned how to cope with being by herself and maybe she’s lonely.

It’s not over til it’s over but you obviously have to change the game. She’s looking for fun and at home can often be work. Find fun things you can do together. Learn how to like eachother again.
There was bitterness and resentment about it all.
 

Godsgirl83

Well-known member
Apr 1, 2019
2,578
2,063
113
#8
Ok been reading through some things on CC. I’ll start from the beginning. Soon to be 18 years ago I married my wife whom I still love very much to this day spite our troubles we have endured through our our marriage. We married young but not before my wife had second thoughts, cold feet it seemed). Not long after I was deployed due to events on 9/11. Ever since coming home things haven’t been right. We felt distant at times, I felt useless because my wife held everything together at home. Fast forward 6 years, deployed again. Things started to go south, resentment for leaving her with two young boys. Lots of arguing even though I called every chance I got to check in and let her know I was ok. Came home and the distance felt worse. We didn’t talk much I didn’t say much and became closed off bad and turn to drinking to much.
This is when it all started. My wife befriended a male and they talked a lot. And eventually lead her to going to the “gym” found out she was meeting him. I found out after a month and it was going south for her too. Apparently he wanted more but she kept herself from cheating. We spoke took me along time to Forgive.
Couple years later you all guessed it. Deployment number 3, this time her mom gotten cancer. That’s when we both quit smoking. First thing we did together in a long time. I had to deploy and ended up coming home a couple weeks early to be there made it home a few days before she passed. My wife never really grieved the loss.m and it’s been hard on her and us. Things seemed ok but I feel into the beer and being alone state again. To the point we never talked or sat together. A few years went by and I started to notice my wife playing on her phone playing games and chatting. I guess I got the courage and asked what is going on basically.
She told me she wasn’t happy. We talked and figured some things out.
Well that was last year and the past year has felt like lies. I thought she was cheating online on me. That was not true I was told. Come to find months later she had logged into a chat site on our home computer and I came across it so I started to dig. And found words of love being said between her and another guy. I printed as much as I could out. Broke down and texted her to meet me I needed to talk to he about something I found.
Let me back up here. We were seeing a counselor before this happened. We met I never showed her what I have and still have to this day. We both broke down and cried. We didn’t speak for the rest of the day after that. We started to rebuild what we had left. I still wasn’t convinced because I lost all trust and tried. I kept blaming her and myself for our mistakes. Because of the way I had treated her things would not have happened. Things seemed good intimacy is great between us better than when we got married. The past month something wasn’t feeling right. After 20 years knowing someone you just know. I kept asking what is wrong. Because the phone is always in her hand playing games and chatting. Argument start about me wanting more or she doesn’t know what I want.
All I ask her for is her attention and to show me I live her. Well a few days ago she broke down and told me she feels lost, confused, broken and doesn’t know how she feels for me anymore. There was even mention of walking away. But that is out dead last option. She feels we both have been sad the past year. I tried to explain because I feel shut out and don’t have your full attention. Then the argument start about how she doesn’t use 4 phones for the game and she put the phone away and I get time. So I ask when is that. Baseball game every other weekend and a monthly date night. I’m told we sit in the couch and I just tell her the phone is in her face how is that sitting together. Now I have made her feel she isn’t good enough and she isn’t what I want. I try to tell her she is what I want and I want no one else. I have never cheated or even looked at another woman other than as a co-worker or sister in uniform. I have no interest for anyone else as my live is for her and only her. So I asked her why is it when we are intimate we feel the true emotions and live for each other but during the day it’s not there. I was told they are real emotions and it’s easier to block out the past. So I tried to get her to see the phone is a problem. And now she feels she hasn’t lived the life she wanted. Feels she needs to go out drinking with friends and co-workers. I have since cut back a lot in drinking because I saw it was affecting my marriage. Sorry a little long winded.
REDLEG: first off, I gather from your post that you are in (or have been in) a form of service............ so for that THANK YOU!
you have nothing to apologize for here, sometimes these heartfelt cries need to be long winded.
I do not have a "magic answer" to your situation, but what I do have for you is this:
Jesus is the answer to all our problems. Get into the Word of God (the Bible) in it, (James 4:8) it says to draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Even when it does not seem like it, He is there.
Blessings!
 

oyster67

Senior Member
May 24, 2014
1,787
1,372
113
#9
Matthew 19
19:25 When his disciples heard [it], they were exceedingly amazed, saying, Who then can be saved?
19:26 But Jesus beheld [them], and said unto them, With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible.

Surely this applies to marriages also. One thing is for certain; God wants us to take it to Him, TOGETHER.
 

oyster67

Senior Member
May 24, 2014
1,787
1,372
113
#10
Psalm 121
121:1 A Song of degrees. I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help.
121:2 My help [cometh] from the LORD, which made heaven and earth.
121:3 He will not suffer thy foot to be moved: he that keepeth thee will not slumber.
121:4 Behold, he that keepeth Israel shall neither slumber nor sleep.
121:5 The LORD [is] thy keeper: the LORD [is] thy shade upon thy right hand.
121:6 The sun shall not smite thee by day, nor the moon by night.
121:7 The LORD shall preserve thee from all evil: he shall preserve thy soul.
121:8 The LORD shall preserve thy going out and thy coming in from this time forth, and even for evermore.
 
Apr 15, 2019
9
6
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#11
REDLEG: first off, I gather from your post that you are in (or have been in) a form of service............ so for that THANK YOU!
you have nothing to apologize for here, sometimes these heartfelt cries need to be long winded.
I do not have a "magic answer" to your situation, but what I do have for you is this:
Jesus is the answer to all our problems. Get into the Word of God (the Bible) in it, (James 4:8) it says to draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Even when it does not seem like it, He is there.
Blessings!
Your welcome and I was. I retired 2 years ago ago this month. Thought things would get better once I retired. There was to much resentment for that to happen on her part
 
Apr 15, 2019
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#12
In all this frustration, sadness and lost feeling. I realize I haven’t been the best husband or perfect husband. I just thought I was making the best choice for my family. I have accepted my mistakes, I need to show my wife I will and can forgive her for hers. She has shown sadness and real feelings of sadness for hers. I know and admit I am having a hard time believing what she says and I can say I trust but is little trust I have. I know this is an issue in any relationship.
 

Godsgirl83

Well-known member
Apr 1, 2019
2,578
2,063
113
#13
Myself, I'm an "army brat". I understand what military life can do to a family, in more ways than one. It's wonderful that there is all this recognition for PTSD and other issues now. (It was not so for my dad when I was growing up) the one thing I personally have never seen or heard about is the emotional support that is needed both to those who serve(d) and their families.
Trust is a delicate thing.
 
Apr 15, 2019
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6
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#14
Myself, I'm an "army brat". I understand what military life can do to a family, in more ways than one. It's wonderful that there is all this recognition for PTSD and other issues now. (It was not so for my dad when I was growing up) the one thing I personally have never seen or heard about is the emotional support that is needed both to those who serve(d) and their families.
Trust is a delicate thing.
There is some family bonding support for military in know at least in National Gaurd. Honestly it’s kind of a joke. When I had gone. It was in early stages and all they talked was how changes may have ocurred and taken place. But not about how to deal with it or where to look for help.
 

Mii

Well-known member
Mar 23, 2019
718
473
63
#15
I appreciate you sacrificing your time for the needs of others. That is a courageous thing to do. Preface: I am not married and I haven't been in the military...

I do know that when things have been stuck in a rut for me a "catalyst" can be one of the few things that can spur me out of my funk.
If the Lord isn't for it, it doesn't do much but serve my own ego and I've done random moves to unknown places in the past just to see if he has anything different for me.

It has served to throw off the fetters of the despondent bitter mindset that sort of just hovers around when life seems too hum-drum. Where the Lord is just as displeased with my lukewarm bitterness as I am. I'm single though so there is that. It doesn't happen as often anymore because I'm learning a tad bit more patience...

Anyway, I don't know your situation but I would encourage you to consider something a bit radical. Not too out there like selling all your possessions and going into the mission field (I did know a couple that did that according to what they heard), but maybe something like a one month journey helping out a missionary someplace to just focus on relational goals/mending that I completely believe the Lord is the best at working out IF both parties are in spiritual agreement. My first thought was a trip to Europe motif but I feel like when there are relational issues it could serve well to not focus on just self-satisfaction (although maybe that's what you need)

There are also programs like "Choices seminar" that are secular and my parents went through it and worked through some of their stuff. I went through it and found it a bit too "name it and claim it" but that was solo and having the knowledge of the program I can see how it could work well for couples if they are in agreement and include the Lord in the journey. I don't know of any Christian based programs like that but there are many people that are claim Christ that have gone through it. I'm sure there probably are and if you do find a good one I'd like to hear about it.

Godly Agreement is a hard thing but there IS spiritual accord out there. It just takes willingness and I believe the Lord will do the rest.

Peace be with you man, thanks for sharing.
 

oldethennew

Senior Member
Feb 28, 2016
9,423
1,785
113
#16
our Saviour has given each of us who Loves Him the tools to 'over-come' addictions,
whether physical, emotional/mental -
but, we have to have the faith and will and strength to use them...
and of course our fruits will bear witness, they don't lie...

like it is written -
'I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me.'
 

Nehemiah6

Senior Member
Jul 18, 2017
9,547
3,204
113
#17
Then the argument start about how she doesn’t use 4 phones for the game and she put the phone away and I get time.
Here is what I can gather from your post:

1. Your wife is not a Christian, and maybe you are not either.
2. She is addicted to her phone to compensate but you are free from addictions.
3. You both need to make a fresh start (unless it is already too late to salvage your marriage)
4. You both need to repent and receive Christ as your Lord and Savior.
5. That would mean that He is in control of your lives and you would have different priorities.
6. For her repentance would mean getting rid of her phone altogether, since it has been a barrier to a proper relationship. And if she is communicating with other men that has to stop altogether.
7. For you it might mean focusing on your wife and family instead of your job.

Once you are saved you need to find a sound Christian church to have fellowship with Christians and receive discipleship from more mature Christians.
 

HeraldtheNews

Well-known member
Apr 26, 2012
1,278
286
83
61
#18
I felt I wanted to add to this discussion even though I wasn't married for long, and am always seeming not to find a relationship. But, maybe this is a good place to share this unusual story. First of all, the Lord understands the need for military defense in this world. The order of angels and Jesus as commander for spiritual warfare fits the military order also. Jesus made a point of honoring the Roman Centurion (can't remember where in the New Testament) And also the Roman soldier at the cross was one of the first converts to proclaim when the earth was shaken and the sky grew dark, that "truly He is the Son of God."

I just spoke with a psychology professor in church today, and he said that it's not our past that is the main issue-- it's what is triggering the crisis and conflict today; right now. But, both church counselors and all of them really pretty much agree that forgiveness is the key to all healing. And in the book, "The Bondage Breaker," Dr. Anderson teaches about how it starts with just a decision to forgive, since most of us can not find the feelings to start. He said, we obey the command of Christ to forgive, and turn the situation(s) over to God, and ask for divine help. As a soldier, you would understand this idea. And, believe me, everyone in here has likely been alone in the foxhole, like it sounds like your marriage is. Speaking of phones-- CALL FOR AIR SUPPORT!

What i mean is angelic help. Just this morning something amazing happened. I keep saying there is this angel lady guardian angel who talks to me once in a while. You and your wife both have guardian angels, and they can help you, but we don't pray directly to them, but ask God to authorize them, and directly for God's help. Listen to this:
In my loneliness and not being able to find a relationship with a lady for many reasons, poverty, social isolation and lame excuses in the past, and unfortunately depression weakens the spirit. But, try just getting a church service on the main screen if you have one, and just stand up in your living room and join in.
But, the undying, unconditional love of the angels is amazing, since they represent Heaven's love. As much as I mope around sometimes, and used to drink a bit (it just makes me ill nowadays) but, I turn to stress pills, etc... they always cause a crash. And as we all know, Jesus said, "wine is a mocker." It's the same for all activities that don't lead us closer to the Light. Every time; I mean every time someone in the bible looked intently for God's help and healing, they found it. And recovery groups can help and the book above.
But, this angel lady, is always an encourager no matter how lame my life might be. The other day in depression and loneliness, I sought out some artistic images again. Yeah, there are a few that are beautiful and artistic that put all of the ugliness of the nude industry to shame. But, would I want my daughter to do that? No matter what we are doing on the internet, if it is taking the place of God in our lives or marriages and families, then it can become an idol. When I was surfing the net, I heard her say quietly-- "Bible." never faltering in unconditional love, even when fed up with us Christians sometimes. But, even in your challenges, it can bring you both closer together as you realize that alone in a foxhole, most people crash. It's understandable in this world, since alone , without God's help, we are no match for the intense spiritual warfare of the world. But, the Lord came to save us-- to rescue us. He said, I can call upon legions and legions of angels" at one command. He waits for us to ask for help, since as they say in AA-- we have to reach the worst of the battle sometimes.

So, never give up hope. If your marriage can be saved, and it sounds like there is hope. It will not fail. The Centurion said to Jesus: "Only say the word, and I know my servant will be healed." He said, "for I am under the authority of commanders, and when I give orders to my soldiers, they obey." And the King in the Old Testament said to Queen Esther, who was distraught over those who were trying to put Jews to death (that's been going on for many centuries). The King said: "YOu may write whatever you wish on the official royal decree. But, remember that once the royal seal has been placed upon it, it can not be recalled." This is what Jesus did also. The official Royal seal is the Blood of the Cross of the New Covenant that we are celebrating with Easter Friday and Resurrection we are celebrating today-- Easter Sunday, and again in other Christian churches next Sunday.

This morning, EASTER MORNING!! I awoke with an image/dream in my mind of two sides of a clam shell. My angel friend had closed the clam shell and placed it in the flower box on the porch of the remote cabin where I stayed for a while in 2018. I didn't realize until this morning the significance: Last year, I had made a wooden art piece with two separate clams shells, joined in the middle with the words of "joining happy hearts."
Alone on the beach last summer, asleep in my car next to my tent, I felt an angelic presence of powerful divine love pass by and felt the overwhelming loving presence of the Holy Spirit, even though I was half asleep.

So, may this story help you also to "join happy hearts."
come on.
What more do you need?
We are also commanded by the Lord to do our best to make marriages work, as long as people are not risking their own safety or spiritual well being.
Easter hope be with you this spring...

And this song:
Talk to each other this way--
My own angel says so.
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
68,768
7,038
113
#19
Redleg, next time could you please space your paragraphs further apart? I couldn't read your wall of text. :(
 

HeraldtheNews

Well-known member
Apr 26, 2012
1,278
286
83
61
#20
Matthew 19
19:25 When his disciples heard [it], they were exceedingly amazed, saying, Who then can be saved?
19:26 But Jesus beheld [them], and said unto them, With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible.

Surely this applies to marriages also. One thing is for certain; God wants us to take it to Him, TOGETHER.
Here is the YouTube video clip of the Roman Centurion Commander and his encounter with Jesus from the Movie: "Jesus of Nazareth"

There are signs of the political tensions there with an appearance of "Barabbas" the revolutionary who were trying to overthrow the Roman Empire's occupation there. But Jesus refused to take political sides, and said that all people were welcome in God's Kingdom, rich and poor, church goers and soldiers. I have heard heart-wrenching stories of combat that can tempt soldiers to lose hope and I have often heard or read that some veterans say things like, "how can God forgive me for killing people?" Please remember that, as my brother, a former pastor said once when I was despairing of false feelings from depression which can lead people to "feel" condemned at times-- he said, "Our sins are like a drop in the ocean of God's Mercy."

As the Apostle John said,
"If our heart condemns us, God is greater than our hearts and knows all things." (1 John 3:20)
He had either experienced it himself, which is common in severe spiritual warfare--Jesus Himself experienced the horrifying experience of "feeling" separated from God's Light in His humanity, saying

"My God, My God-- why have you forsaken Me?" (Matthew 27:46)

Was He forsaken? Or was it only an experience of abandonment?

What John was teaching about was likely to counsel people who came to him with these common human sufferings. He was saying that our own hearts do not have the power or authority to either condemn us or the opposite, to justify us as individual people, against our free-will. When we are tempted by this deceiving spirit, and spirits of condemnation come from the devil, it is a temptation to exalt ourselves above the free-gift of salvation, which is a subtle form of idolatry of the self, which I've heard called, "self-justification."

To deny the Cross and the Blood of Christ which is the perfect, and only, means of being restored to God's favor, is the only unforgivable sin. Anything else is a deceiving spirit trying to condemn people, and fallen angels (demons) do not have that power or authority either. All they have is the "power" of deception, trying to get people to believe them, instead of the voice truth.

If you have read this far, you have not committed any unforgivable sins. People who have mortally resisted God's Light, don't even get this close to salvation. They are busy out opposing God, or they are in need of dramatic divine intervention. It is possible that someone might read this in order to use it as ammunition of hatred against God or HIs people. If that is not you, then reject all the negative lying bs, and just say, "I'll let God decide," if you are not able to "feel" an immediate confirmation of your conversion.
What did John say?
Who and what is greater than our own feelings?

I guess I got started on this due to my own life of spiritual warfare, and what I have heard some battered soldiers have used as an excuse not to turn to God.
We can't think our way into heaven or out of heaven.
We can't perform our way into or out of heaven.

We can't save ourselves, or our marriages on our own power, or rescue ourselves from the depths of depression.
Even King David, one of the greatest warrior kings of the Bible said,
"Out of the depths (of despair) I cry out to thee, LORD hear my prayer." (Psalm 130:1).

And that was someone who had sent a military commander to the front lines to be killed, so he could steal his wife, something that would be a cause for a court-martial in today's military, and some might consider an "unforgivable offense," before God, since King David knew God closely. But, he also experienced deep depressions, where he lost sight of God, and also temptations such as the commanders wife.

AS this YouTube video shows, the LORD honored the Roman military commanders faith, even though he was not yet even a member of the Jewish faith, or even Christian.


Truth is the most powerful weapon against the devil and all the lying, deceiving fallen spirits that stalk the earth. Christ died to defeat them all.
Who won on the cross?
What are we as Christians celebrating today on Easter?
Jesus won.