Help! my boyfriend is not talking about marriage

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Sarahabc

Guest
#1
#1
I am a 25 year old virgin and my boyfriend is 33 year old non-virgin. He and I have dated for over 2 years and I am getting frustrated now because he has not made any sort of committment . We are both saved and in fellowship with the Lord. This also includes the fact that we've saved sex for marriage. However, he is currently in a financial struggle to provide food, clothing and shelter,(I 've been praying for God's intervention in this matter and believe it will happen). Now I love this man very much to the extent where I am deeply burning inside. I suggested many times for us to still get marry, and with God's help as always, we will work as a team to make ends meet, but he continues to maintain silence on the matter. I even shared with him that I was burning with desire for him which is one of the reasons I want us to get marry soon. He has plans to attend school and get a second job in the coming year so as to better his financial situation (this he talks about). The problem is, when I am in love with somebody, I really love them (its very hard to break up or walk away easily). I believe in working things out to the very end. I have been with him through thick and thin; when he lost his job for months, car, and such like. I prayed and am still praying about the situation. I even pray and ask God as a solution, to take away this love and desire I have for this guy because I am tired of burning inside. He says he loves me and shows it sometimes in meaningful ways. I don't know why he isn't at the least making a proposal. He says he loves me all the time and wants me to be his wife. He introduces me to everyone as his wife to be. I can't see myself with any other guy. I shudder at the thought of it. What advice can you give?
 
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Jordan9

Guest
#2
#2
Perhaps he is scared to marry you because he feels inadequate due to his financial situation?
 
S

Sarahabc

Guest
#3
#3
I thought so indeed.
 
O

oopsies

Guest
#4
#4
He wants to be the breadwinner of the house. Having you to pitch in to pull him out of a hard financial situation might be uncomfortable for him.
 
B

Broern

Guest
#5
#5
I think there is something wrong on the part of your boyfriend in terms of relationship. The relationship problem may be in the past but still bothering him. It would be better to ask him what is the reason why he don't want to marry you. Or why not consult your pastor for couselling or a marriage counselor. Or worse, you are only receiving an outward manner of concern but actually he has another girl in mind. I think its about time to take a deeper study of your heart before its too late. You better look after your life for the future. For the meantime, why not accept other friends while your boyfriend is still dreaming. HE MAY WAKE UP!
 
C

concernedguy

Guest
#6
#6
Sarahabc said:
I am a 25 year old virgin and my boyfriend is 33 year old non-virgin. He and I have dated for over 2 years and I am getting frustrated now because he has not made any sort of committment . We are both saved and in fellowship with the Lord. This also includes the fact that we've saved sex for marriage. However, he is currently in a financial struggle to provide food, clothing and shelter,(I 've been praying for God's intervention in this matter and believe it will happen). Now I love this man very much to the extent where I am deeply burning inside. I suggested many times for us to still get marry, and with God's help as always, we will work as a team to make ends meet, but he continues to maintain silence on the matter. I even shared with him that I was burning with desire for him which is one of the reasons I want us to get marry soon. He has plans to attend school and get a second job in the coming year so as to better his financial situation (this he talks about). The problem is, when I am in love with somebody, I really love them (its very hard to break up or walk away easily). I believe in working things out to the very end. I have been with him through thick and thin; when he lost his job for months, car, and such like. I prayed and am still praying about the situation. I even pray and ask God as a solution, to take away this love and desire I have for this guy because I am tired of burning inside. He says he loves me and shows it sometimes in meaningful ways. I don't know why he isn't at the least making a proposal. He says he loves me all the time and wants me to be his wife. He introduces me to everyone as his wife to be. I can't see myself with any other guy. I shudder at the thought of it. What advice can you give?
Click to expand...

It does seem from what you have stated that he is in the driver's seat. He has nothing to lose
from what you say since you show your devotion. This devotion may make him secure but is the
source of your heartache.

I would suggest that you pull away in hopes of opening his eyes. Go to movies without him. Go out to
eat with a friend without him. When he wants to do something - though it kills you - tell you just want
to stay in tonight alone and think about some things - even if you go to that movie a little later. Just
tell him you changed your mind if he finds out you went to a movie or your friend talked you into it.

From what you say, he has everything and you just have the leftovers he leaves you. You are at
his beckon call but he will see you when he gets around to it. Afterall, what's the rush? You're
always there if he happens to feel the need to bless you with his presence.

This is not about judging him. Its about you seem devoted to your relationship no matter what
because you value him. He seems devoted to his situation while placing value on his career and
may have time for your relationship if he can fit it in.

He is getting his cake and eating it too. You get to wash the cake plate! There is a big imbalance
in your relationship.

He may never realize what you mean to him if you don't give him time to realize it. Absence makes
the heart grow fonder. But if it breaks things a part, it may hurt but it is for the best. The last
thing you need is being married to him and him unsure and two kids hanging in the balance.

Find out how much he cares before marriage. It hurts but it saves you a lot of trouble in the future.
 
MahogonySnail

MahogonySnail

Banned
#7
Jan 8, 2009
7,576
23
0
#7
Mistake number 1: committing emotionally before ready to commit practically.

The wrong thing he's done is probably talk about love and wife and marriage things before actually being in a position to actually propose, financial-wise or otherwise. That puts him and you in a tricky situation emotionally.

A person should not say "i love you" all the time unless they are close to having the ring on the finger, likewise he should not be saying things like you are his "wife to be" unless you are engaged.

Really , the only time you or he should be committing financially to the relationship, or talking about providing food, shelter and clothing is after the ring is on the finger - it sounds like you are already acting like a married couple.

I'd wait until he is strong enough to stand on his own two feet which may be after college.

A guy shouldn't really commit unless his financial situation is OK. Likewise, a girl shouldn't really commit until his financial situation is OK.

It's hard to think of it like this but marriage isn't just about love and feelings it is also a financial/ business contract.

IMO the only way out is for him to propose (or you to propose to him if you're up to it), to bite the bullet and get married and tough it out through the issues in marriage, or cool off for a bit until things are worked out and easier, until he is in a position to commit. If it was me I'd settle for option b) even though it will involve heartache, but all that is, is going back from a "wife to be" mode to a "potential wife to be" mode. I like option b) because I wouldn't want the first memories of my married life, to be going through financial struggles, when you're in the honeymoon stage.
 
L

Leilaii425

Guest
#8
#8
Dont let your feelings of wanting sex cloud your judgement. You need to look at this situation outside of the box. He has no money, he can harldy provide for himself, more or less you. And while you are wanting to help out with money once you two get married, guys have this thing about providing for their family, its like they want to be the only ones doing it, and as women it seems like no big deal for us to help out financially, but to men thats a huge thing, so we'll probably never understand it. If you two were to get married right now, i personally feel like it would most likely be a disaster. Look at the scenerio here. He has no money, cant even provide for himself. The two of you get married, you get what you want (sex, and to be married to this guy you love) but what does he get out of it. He still cant provide for you, and will probably feel worse because your the one financially supporting both of you. That does alot to a guys self esteem, and how do you act when you feel bad about yourself.. nooot pleasant. So my advice to you... quit thinking about sex, and start thinking about helping him to get a better job and more money.
 
J

jose1980

Guest
#9
#9
Leilaii425 has given you very good advice. Endure for a short time and see what happens. i'm sure by now he knows your desire to stay with him. Men do have a very strong ego because naturally they always want to be head of the family and will never allow anyone else to take this place! It may seem light to you but not to him. So instead of fighting back, help him achieve what he's looking for first and then see what happens. I'm praying for you too that it will not take too long before he gets stable again financially. God bless you.
 
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yuleicaba

Guest
#10
#10
when you fall in love ,you are not able to find out the turth.my advice that your boyfriend and you must join marriage studying with church ,and to learn how to date and prepare for marriage.it is easy to fall in love ,but it is hard to be poessess of good marriage.
 
C

concernedguy

Guest
#11
#11
Leilaii425 said:
Dont let your feelings of wanting sex cloud your judgement. You need to look at this situation outside of the box. He has no money, he can harldy provide for himself, more or less you. And while you are wanting to help out with money once you two get married, guys have this thing about providing for their family, its like they want to be the only ones doing it, and as women it seems like no big deal for us to help out financially, but to men thats a huge thing, so we'll probably never understand it. If you two were to get married right now, i personally feel like it would most likely be a disaster. Look at the scenerio here. He has no money, cant even provide for himself. The two of you get married, you get what you want (sex, and to be married to this guy you love) but what does he get out of it. He still cant provide for you, and will probably feel worse because your the one financially supporting both of you. That does alot to a guys self esteem, and how do you act when you feel bad about yourself.. nooot pleasant. So my advice to you... quit thinking about sex, and start thinking about helping him to get a better job and more money.
Click to expand...

This is good advice. But don't knock him too hard. His desire to provide for you is God given. God built
it into most guys. Its only our society that belittles a guy trying to follow God's Word and provide for his
family and belittles him even more if he fails.

Helping him for a short time may be an answer. But during this time, you should be praying and seeking
if this is the guy God has for you. You might love him but any one who has been with the wrong person
can tell you it only takes a few weeks to destroy that love and the pain is incredible. Also, you will not
be happy with someone God did not send. There is the possibility you can be happy but not the true
happiness God would have placed in your life since you chose second best over what god had for you.
 
R

RoguePreacher

Guest
#12
#12
Just an idea, why not ask him what he believes marriage is all about and build from there into a conversation which may provide you at least some answers. At least this way he may share some of his thopughts rather than feeling pressured to make a desicision now. Another idea is pop the question first without expectation. Infact assume that the answer will be no or not yet and instead of being hurt be curious.

Just an FYI my wife beat me to the question by just five minutes as I was still mentally preparing.
 
O

oorbot

Guest
#13
#13
well i guess you can start out by distancing yourself from him for a shortwhile. I understand you when you said you were burning with desire for him. I really don't think it's the top qualifier for you to marry. look at the equation here: marriage for sex + boyfriend has no money or job= big problem. I would think that money is a big factor in marriage. I dont mean to be rude but i really think you should step back maybe 10 steps or two and look at the bigger picture.
 
G

greatkraw

Guest
#15
#15
MahogonySnail said:
Mistake number 1: committing emotionally before ready to commit practically.

The wrong thing he's done is probably talk about love and wife and marriage things before actually being in a position to actually propose, financial-wise or otherwise. That puts him and you in a tricky situation emotionally.

A person should not say "i love you" all the time unless they are close to having the ring on the finger, likewise he should not be saying things like you are his "wife to be" unless you are engaged.

Really , the only time you or he should be committing financially to the relationship, or talking about providing food, shelter and clothing is after the ring is on the finger - it sounds like you are already acting like a married couple.

I'd wait until he is strong enough to stand on his own two feet which may be after college.

A guy shouldn't really commit unless his financial situation is OK. Likewise, a girl shouldn't really commit until his financial situation is OK.

It's hard to think of it like this but marriage isn't just about love and feelings it is also a financial/ business contract.

IMO the only way out is for him to propose (or you to propose to him if you're up to it), to bite the bullet and get married and tough it out through the issues in marriage, or cool off for a bit until things are worked out and easier, until he is in a position to commit. If it was me I'd settle for option b) even though it will involve heartache, but all that is, is going back from a "wife to be" mode to a "potential wife to be" mode. I like option b) because I wouldn't want the first memories of my married life, to be going through financial struggles, when you're in the honeymoon stage.
Click to expand...
GOOD POST SNAIL

I find it interesting when I hear one person's point of view or version of events and I immediately sympathise with the other party.

I know you have the most wonderful of motives but...

YOU ARE NAGGING HIM

iS THIS WHAT HE HAS TO LOOK forward to.

Take a step back.

If you really want to get what you want this is a classic case where you should play hard to get.

Tell him you want to back off and take a break.

You both need to calm down.
 
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