Hurt by Family, Facing Crisis

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kaylagrl

Senior Member
Oct 18, 2014
14,224
2,149
113
#1
I haven't been here lately because of a family crisis. Friday before last we found out my mother has cancer. There is cancer all through my family, mom lost her only sister to cancer. So it was a frightening moment. We have found out that can be treated with radiation and chemo. We are thanking God for that. She has 5wks ahead of her for treatments and then an operation. So we have a long road ahead. I would appreciate your prayers during this time.

My mother took severe bleeding a couple wks. ago. My father and I rushed her to emergency and were there for hrs. while tests were done. They cleared her but wanted her to see a gyno. that Monday. I was in touch with my sister during this time and updated her. On Mon. my father and I took her to her appointment and after 3hrs. they called us into the room to tell us that she had cancer. At that moment the doctor said she was going to send her to a hospital in the city. We had no time to process the devastating news. We've lost so many in our family to cancer. They took her down to emergency to wait for an ambulance and I stayed with her while my father went home to meet my sister. So I got into the ambulance with her and went to the bigger hospital and sat in the trauma room waiting for a room to come open. We were there for some time before my sister and father made it. Then for the next three days my sister stayed with my mother in the hospital.

So my sister was heading back to her place, about 3hrs drive when she asked to speak to my husband and I. Hubby was feeling sick so she and I went out and talked alone. She basically said mom can't have any stress and laid down the rules of how things were going to be handled. She wasn't rude but she did take charge. Now I have health issues where I couldn't stay in the hospital with mom and I greatly appreciate my sister leaving her children and husband and spending time with mom. My issue is that my sister has nothing to do with mom most of the time. She never calls her, as in does not call her. My mother took a bad fall downstairs almost two yrs. ago and my sister never called or visited to see how she was doing. I cared for my mother, who was unable to walk, I did all the housework, did all the meals then went home to do the same at my house. So when my sister said how things needed to be organized and cleaned and food made I reminded her I had already done that for a month for mom and dad. Honestly I've pulled back and stayed completely out of it all. Mom keeps calling and I just feel, and I told my sister, that it's her turn to have a relationship with mom and heal their issues. The problem is my sister and my father have blamed me for those issues. Right now I'm staying far into the background.

My husband said it's time for my sister to step up. I love my sister dearly. I know she's had to deal with an abusive husband and has her own drama to deal with. I guess her approach just upset me. Almost like she was there to save the day and I needed to back off, which I have done. She and my father are very close, he and I are not. I was hoping that things would change in the family dynamic with this crisis, but I don't know. My father informed me that if anything happens to my mother that it is "so much worse for the spouse" than the children. He keeps calling to say how hard all of this is for him and told my mother that he was having as hard a time as she was because he was stressed about her being sick. smh I called him yesterday because my nephews were supposed to visit. He said he can't stop crying and it was so much harder on him. And I'm here at my house all alone keeping myself away from mom so my sister and father can be with her. The only one who has called me is my mother. And I'm like "why aren't they calling to say how she's doing?" I'm just seeing my father in a different light also. He seems more worried about himself than mom. During Christmas he had a big argument with her, they are almost constantly arguing, and had her crying. I didn't know at that time that she had started bleeding, but he did. When I found out I was so full of anger.

My husband and I are close to my mom. She has come on trips with us, my father doesn't want to come. I have so many pictures of places we have been together. My sister said one time she sees the pictures online and said "how do you think that makes me feel"? I said "your mother has been here all this time, where have you been? no one is stopping you from taking her anywhere". I feel like there is a jealousy between my father, sister and my husband and I. And yet, my sister has always turned to me when her husband gets out of control and she needs support,not to either of my parents. We have such an odd relationship as a family. I want things to be better, I just don't know how to change these issues. Sorry for the long post. I don't blame you all if you don't want to read it and answer. Maybe I just needed to vent.
 

Subhumanoidal

Well-known member
Sep 17, 2018
1,597
1,337
113
#2
Sounds possibly like your father is distancing emotionally, to minimize the impact on himself. It is a bit selfish, but sometimes people don't have the capacity to cope with certain things.
He may also have some "anger" towards you mom for getting sick. Obviously he understands it's not her fault, nor is his anger genuinely towards her, but he's simply angry and people tend to put their anger towards those they feel closest to and most comfortable with.

Your sister may be experiencing guilt for not being around. So to compensate for her not being around she's going in the other direction to make up for it.
Also I've noticed victims of abuse, not even just physical, are often very insecure. It doesn't even need to be active abuse, but formerly abused. I've noticed being overly sensitive is a common trait as well.
Also her taking control could be that she feels she has no control in an abusive marriage so she's trying to feel in control on other areas.
She may have a lot of guilt over not being around more for your mom. Chances are her husband keeps her more isolated, which is a common abusers tactic, thus making her unavailable and seem closed off.

I'd say the way to change is to be less focused on these things, about things being fair or people reacting how you think they should. Rather focus on that you desire to repair the family dynamic by example and changing how you approach each one.
The reality is everyone is hurting and raw and afraid. And no doubt they'll have their versions of the things you say. Long as such things continue to remain a focus change cant happen.
Especially right now. No one wants to be criticized or have things thrown in their face. You all need support, including you. So try asking them, without bringing up any complaints. Try sharing a memory about your mom, and that could cause them to open up as well.
Hope it all works out, one way or another.
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
69,299
7,786
113
#3
Your family sounds as mucked up and dysfunctional as mine is.. Sorry to hear about your mom's diagnosis.. It's actually good that your sister is taking charge-- maybe it's giving her strength to eventually leave her jack donkey husband.. But make a demand or two of your own: that she or your dad MUST keep you updated daily, every few hours.
 

Magenta

Senior Member
Jul 3, 2015
28,642
7,140
113
#4
Hello Kayla. I will pray for your mom's recovery, and your relationship with your dad and sister. I would not let your sister dictate anything to you. Can she tell you how she feels? Sure. But blame you for how she feels? No, that plain and simple is immature and abusive.

 

laughingheart

Senior Member
Sep 21, 2016
840
834
93
#5
I am so sorry for your pain. Illness and grief hit everyone differently. Some people jump in, others hide and some just shut down. Anger is an easier feeling to access than pain. Grief is terrifying. Please ask for what you need. There are no words for a time like this. Hugs little sister. My prayers are with you and your entire family.
 

kaylagrl

Senior Member
Oct 18, 2014
14,224
2,149
113
#6
Your family sounds as mucked up and dysfunctional as mine is.. Sorry to hear about your mom's diagnosis.. It's actually good that your sister is taking charge-- maybe it's giving her strength to eventually leave her jack donkey husband.. But make a demand or two of your own: that she or your dad MUST keep you updated daily, every few hours.
I agree, I thought for a second that maybe she would look at her life and how fleeting life is and think about standing up for herself with her husband. Oddly her husband is suddenly all supportive and loving. smh Dysfunctional is the word. I don't even know where to begin to heal this mess.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
5,099
1,994
113
#7
I agree, I thought for a second that maybe she would look at her life and how fleeting life is and think about standing up for herself with her husband. Oddly her husband is suddenly all supportive and loving. smh Dysfunctional is the word. I don't even know where to begin to heal this mess.
aw well its not on you ask for Jesus to step in...its too much a burden for you alone.
Can you and your sister pray for your mum together or is this not possible? Pray anyway, maybe its best you just pray and let your sister be the hands and feet at this time.

I dont know what your situation is but usually the stay at home daughter or son, the one who is closest is relied on for caregiving duties at the expense of her own life but those who are further away and married with their own family obligations then miss out on the relationship and can feel a bit helpless.

In some families they dont have daughters at all just sons and they can be a bit useless with the elder care, things like housework etc. husbands especially fell useless since theyve always relied on their wives to do things, Just do what you can.
 

Lucy-Pevensie

Senior Member
Dec 20, 2017
2,597
717
113
#8
((Hugs)) Kayla!

Families, who would have them? A major crisis has a way of bringing out both the best and worst in people.
I'm grateful we have a written communication from The Lord that addresses the struggles we face in life.


How old is your Mum now? (If you don't mind my asking)


 

7seasrekeyed

Senior Member
Aug 27, 2017
9,202
4,001
113
#9
I will keep you in my prayers Kayla

having been bushwhacked by my mom and brother when my dad had a stroke and being falsely accused and stabbed in the back by them, I understand the confusion and pain that goes along with being the brunt of other peoples phobias and desire to appear innocent by accusing others of what they do themselves

sounds like you try and have been holding things together and are probably stronger than other family members

one thing though, don't wear yourself out trying to make things 'right'. you can't

I think you have done the right thing by 'stepping back'. just deal with your mom because it sounds like she is reaching out to you

hugs...and I will pray about your situation
 

Godsgirl83

Well-known member
Apr 1, 2019
3,374
2,521
113
#10
Sorry for the long post. I don't blame you all if you don't want to read it and answer. Maybe I just needed to vent.
Kayla,
I'm sorry you're having to face all this.
Don't ever feel you have to apologize for lengthy postings..... vent if you need to vent.
you have an extended family of brothers and sisters in Christ here and we love you!!!
 

Adstar

Senior Member
Jul 24, 2016
5,688
2,350
113
#11
I haven't been here lately because of a family crisis. Friday before last we found out my mother has cancer. There is cancer all through my family, mom lost her only sister to cancer. So it was a frightening moment. We have found out that can be treated with radiation and chemo. We are thanking God for that. She has 5wks ahead of her for treatments and then an operation. So we have a long road ahead. I would appreciate your prayers during this time.

My mother took severe bleeding a couple wks. ago. My father and I rushed her to emergency and were there for hrs. while tests were done. They cleared her but wanted her to see a gyno. that Monday. I was in touch with my sister during this time and updated her. On Mon. my father and I took her to her appointment and after 3hrs. they called us into the room to tell us that she had cancer. At that moment the doctor said she was going to send her to a hospital in the city. We had no time to process the devastating news. We've lost so many in our family to cancer. They took her down to emergency to wait for an ambulance and I stayed with her while my father went home to meet my sister. So I got into the ambulance with her and went to the bigger hospital and sat in the trauma room waiting for a room to come open. We were there for some time before my sister and father made it. Then for the next three days my sister stayed with my mother in the hospital.

So my sister was heading back to her place, about 3hrs drive when she asked to speak to my husband and I. Hubby was feeling sick so she and I went out and talked alone. She basically said mom can't have any stress and laid down the rules of how things were going to be handled. She wasn't rude but she did take charge. Now I have health issues where I couldn't stay in the hospital with mom and I greatly appreciate my sister leaving her children and husband and spending time with mom. My issue is that my sister has nothing to do with mom most of the time. She never calls her, as in does not call her. My mother took a bad fall downstairs almost two yrs. ago and my sister never called or visited to see how she was doing. I cared for my mother, who was unable to walk, I did all the housework, did all the meals then went home to do the same at my house. So when my sister said how things needed to be organized and cleaned and food made I reminded her I had already done that for a month for mom and dad. Honestly I've pulled back and stayed completely out of it all. Mom keeps calling and I just feel, and I told my sister, that it's her turn to have a relationship with mom and heal their issues. The problem is my sister and my father have blamed me for those issues. Right now I'm staying far into the background.

My husband said it's time for my sister to step up. I love my sister dearly. I know she's had to deal with an abusive husband and has her own drama to deal with. I guess her approach just upset me. Almost like she was there to save the day and I needed to back off, which I have done. She and my father are very close, he and I are not. I was hoping that things would change in the family dynamic with this crisis, but I don't know. My father informed me that if anything happens to my mother that it is "so much worse for the spouse" than the children. He keeps calling to say how hard all of this is for him and told my mother that he was having as hard a time as she was because he was stressed about her being sick. smh I called him yesterday because my nephews were supposed to visit. He said he can't stop crying and it was so much harder on him. And I'm here at my house all alone keeping myself away from mom so my sister and father can be with her. The only one who has called me is my mother. And I'm like "why aren't they calling to say how she's doing?" I'm just seeing my father in a different light also. He seems more worried about himself than mom. During Christmas he had a big argument with her, they are almost constantly arguing, and had her crying. I didn't know at that time that she had started bleeding, but he did. When I found out I was so full of anger.

My husband and I are close to my mom. She has come on trips with us, my father doesn't want to come. I have so many pictures of places we have been together. My sister said one time she sees the pictures online and said "how do you think that makes me feel"? I said "your mother has been here all this time, where have you been? no one is stopping you from taking her anywhere". I feel like there is a jealousy between my father, sister and my husband and I. And yet, my sister has always turned to me when her husband gets out of control and she needs support,not to either of my parents. We have such an odd relationship as a family. I want things to be better, I just don't know how to change these issues. Sorry for the long post. I don't blame you all if you don't want to read it and answer. Maybe I just needed to vent.
It's ok to vent sometimes.. We all need to on occasions.. (y)

I hope your family realtionships improve.. Just keep on trusting in God no matter what.. If we have that solid foundation relationship we are secure.. We often fail and our family can fail.. But Jesus will never fail us.. (((((kaylagrl))))):)
 

3angelsmsg

Junior Member
Mar 1, 2018
344
411
63
#12
Hi sis,

I am praying for you. And can get tiring and frustrated. You shouldn't stop doing good. As the bible says, It is more bless to give than to receive.

Ask God to pour even more love into your heart and compassion in order to serve your family with love.

Because only Love can awaken love. I will be praying for you and your family. God has a plan. 🌱💕
 

Whispered

Well-known member
Aug 17, 2019
3,548
1,728
113
www.christiancourier.com
#13


I am so sorry to hear about your mother's diagnosis. I wouldn't distance myself from my mom during all this. You were always there for her and now she needs you more than ever before. Precious time that can never be gotten back as days roll by with a diagnosis that is never one that gives hope. Even though we hope and pray our loved one will go into remission or be healed completely.
I would say it doesn't matter what your family members think of you and your involvement in anything that they make an issue now. Your mom has cancer and she's a member of a family with a history of that. That's the real issue. Blame doesn't heal. It destroys.
And please, vent all you like. It's good to do this. You have every reason to.
Don't let anyone destroy you or distract you from the attention your mom deserves from you now. Believe me, personal experience here, if God forbid the worst does come, the pain of the loss can be compounded by the regret we didn't take more time to be with the one now gone forever.
Never let anyone or any issue separate you from your mom. Especially now.
I pray for you all. May God's love and strength lift you up.
 

Hazelelponi

Active member
Jul 8, 2019
190
179
43
USA
#14
I've been through the deaths of both my father (who was very close to me) as well as my daughter; both were lost to cancer.

My thoughts on your post are two fold, first, my heart goes out to you I know this is very difficult and your dealing with an array of emotions, you have my prayers.

That said, your going to have some of the kids closer to one parent and others closer to another. That's every single family regardless of which family your in.

You are closest to your mother, your sister is closer to your father. This is, apparently a fact.

This is to your benefit right now, actually, because you have two parents in need. Your dad is hurting, and your mom is ill. Both are in need of support.

Don't disregard your father's needs as unworthy. If my husband died I wouldn't want to live to the next day. Also the death of one spouse often results shortly thereafter with the death of the other.

Both sets of my grandparents, for instance, died within months of one another.. with the surviving spouse not surviving for long after the first one's death. It's far more common than you might think.

So your dad is hurting and your sister is very close to him. Therefore she is the most likely to better know how to comfort him.

Same with your mom. Your mom misses you, calls you to talk and tell you how she's doing while she's ill. Your the closest to her and best able to meet her needs through this time.

To say it's your sisters turn to deal with her, isn't very daughterly. It seems more to stem from a heart that really wishes you didn't have to deal with your mom's illness. But the fact remains you do, and what's more, if she doesn't survive and you haven't spent the time with her you'll regret it until the day you die.

You said multiple times you've lost many family members to cancer. So you have your own hurt, and your own fear. Share that with your husband, let him as well as your freinds be your support system for how you feel - but don't run from your mother because of your pain. She deserves better than that.

After my dad died I didn't think I could deal with death, let alone the illness and death of my daughter, but being there for those you love the most in this life is far more important than what you may wish you didn't have to deal with.. far more. When our loved ones need us we are there for them, no matter how difficult it is.

They say courage isn't the absence of fear, it's doing what must be done in the face of it.

The Bible says be of good courage... so go, and be of good courage.

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline." 2 Timothy 1:7
 

oldethennew

Senior Member
Feb 28, 2016
9,678
1,939
113
#15
Kaylagrl,
prayers, hugs, blessings, sent to you and yours...

there's been some wonderful posts written here with
a lot of love and understanding of your situation,
heartfelt 'hugs' to them also...
 

kaylagrl

Senior Member
Oct 18, 2014
14,224
2,149
113
#16
((Hugs)) Kayla!

Families, who would have them? A major crisis has a way of bringing out both the best and worst in people.
I'm grateful we have a written communication from The Lord that addresses the struggles we face in life.


How old is your Mum now? (If you don't mind my asking)

[/QUOTE]

Mom is 68 this year. :)
 

kaylagrl

Senior Member
Oct 18, 2014
14,224
2,149
113
#17
Hi sis,

I am praying for you. And can get tiring and frustrated. You shouldn't stop doing good. As the bible says, It is more bless to give than to receive.

Ask God to pour even more love into your heart and compassion in order to serve your family with love.

Because only Love can awaken love. I will be praying for you and your family. God has a plan. 🌱💕
Thank you brother for the email messages and the encouragement brother. I will try and get the chance to listen to them tonight. I appreciate your thoughtfulness.
 

laughingheart

Senior Member
Sep 21, 2016
840
834
93
#18
Hi Kayla,
I've been thinking about you a great deal and all you are going through. We have ideas of who people are and how they should be. Fathers are not supposed to think of themselves first. They are supposed to be strong and supportive. It hurts and maybe angers us if it is not this way. As I got older, one of the big transitions I made was seeing my parents as people rather than the role they played in my life. I thought my dad should have been different. Later I saw him as a boy whose dad died young and as a scared teen had to support the family. I saw someone that did what he knew and none of that included what I thought I needed. He thought praise would make me lazy. He did that because he knew what it was to struggle to survive and wanted me to be safe. He was a person with faults. The role of dad, in my mind, didn't allow for faults. The boy who had to grow up too fast was just a person with flaws that I allowed for everyone else but him. I had to learn to see him and let go of needing him to be a hero. Once I did that I gained a whole new appreciation for his integrity and who he was as a person.
Right now you are in a world of pain and need support. Please forgive him his faults and weaknesses, and who he currently is not able to be. Some people are so scared of illness that anger or denial are their default. They can't cope. I am sorry that he is not able to be who you need him to be right now. I pray that you will have other support and that in time things between you two will mend.
Big hugs, laughingheart
 

kaylagrl

Senior Member
Oct 18, 2014
14,224
2,149
113
#19
To say it's your sisters turn to deal with her, isn't very daughterly.
I understand that I can't give people the entire story in a post. My sister and I were in ministry 15 yrs together. We were incredibly close. She got married and immediately she was in crisis. Her husband was emotionally and mentally abusive. She would call me, and still does, to be her support. She's been married 18 yrs and Ive always been there for her and her children. But when she got married she oddly turned on me, yet still needing my support. It really tore me up and I couldn't understand why we were having issues. Then her husband wrote me a very nasty letter. I was angry at the way he had treated my sister, beating holes in the walls of their home and abusing her. I admit I lost it and I told him in no uncertain terms what I thought of him. I realize she felt she had to take her husbands side. Mom more or less took my side, my father took my sisters. My sister,her husband and my father began to talk about me behind my back. They began saying I was the reason my parents were having marriage issues. And finally my sister blamed me for her broken relationship with her mother. I fell into a deep depression. I couldn't understand why my sister would turn on me.

Jump ahead a couple years and I got married. My sister and BIL did not accept my husband into the family so we just stayed out of their way and lived our lives. But I was still close to my mother and my hubby and I took her on trips with us and she spent quite a lot of time with us going out together. My nephews adore my husband and when my sister visits we always take the boys out to spoil them and do special things. My sister doesn't call my mother, she visits with her kids a couple times a year. We only live a couple hours from each other. But even though her husband and I made peace and she still calls me for support there's still this unspoken line of she, her husband and my father are on one side and myself, my husband and my mother are on the other side. I cannot understand what the issue is. It comes up often between my parents and they argue endlessly about it. I told them a couple months ago that they have to stop playing my sister and I against each other. Which my father does. I told them that she needed our support, that she needed to trust me. She's going through hell in her marriage and I need her to know that I am there the second she needs me. And I believes she knows that, she calls and tells me not to tell our parents what's going on, she doesn't want to upset them. But on the other hand there is a wall between us. I'm utterly confused as to how to break this cycle in the family. For now I feel to step back. Maybe it will bring my sister and my mother close again. I just don't know. I just know it's tearing me up. smh
 

kaylagrl

Senior Member
Oct 18, 2014
14,224
2,149
113
#20
Hi Kayla,
I've been thinking about you a great deal and all you are going through. We have ideas of who people are and how they should be. Fathers are not supposed to think of themselves first. They are supposed to be strong and supportive. It hurts and maybe angers us if it is not this way. As I got older, one of the big transitions I made was seeing my parents as people rather than the role they played in my life. I thought my dad should have been different. Later I saw him as a boy whose dad died young and as a scared teen had to support the family. I saw someone that did what he knew and none of that included what I thought I needed. He thought praise would make me lazy. He did that because he knew what it was to struggle to survive and wanted me to be safe. He was a person with faults. The role of dad, in my mind, didn't allow for faults. The boy who had to grow up too fast was just a person with flaws that I allowed for everyone else but him. I had to learn to see him and let go of needing him to be a hero. Once I did that I gained a whole new appreciation for his integrity and who he was as a person.
Right now you are in a world of pain and need support. Please forgive him his faults and weaknesses, and who he currently is not able to be. Some people are so scared of illness that anger or denial are their default. They can't cope. I am sorry that he is not able to be who you need him to be right now. I pray that you will have other support and that in time things between you two will mend.
Big hugs, laughingheart

Yes, my father had a bad upbringing. I do know that has affected who he is today. But he has been very harsh with my mother, at times I feel abusive. And I hate to say that because I know it would kill him if he heard me say it. I love him, but I'm also upset with him, how he's treated my mother and how he is acting selfish now when she needs his support. I talked to her today and she said he keeps saying to her "tell me you love me" and "show me you love me". She is struggling with cancer and he's not being any support. I told him we need to help her,uplift her and pray for her. I love him, I want a relationship with him, but honestly his behavior just upsets me so much. My father is dramatic, has a big voice and presence. He can be very loud and intimidating. I think my mother has often caved to his wishes just because she didn't want to put up with the drama. He has become very spoiled because of this. I'm about the only one who will speak up to him, but then the drama goes back on my mother. I've gone to counseling and have pushed them to go too, which they have done. But if a person sees themselves as right and don't want to change, what can you do? I believe my father is feeling terribly guilty for the harsh way he has treated my mother. But will it change him? I just want my mother to be happy, have joy and make memories. I don't want her to finish her life in an unhappy marriage. They love each other, I know they do, they just have no idea how to show each other. I want my family to live in peace, but that is going to take a lot of healing and changed hearts. It grieves me honestly.