Husband HATES my family

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Nov 14, 2017
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#1
Me and my husband have not even been married a year and are having a rough go of it. When we were dating and engaged he came around my parents, even liked them I thought. We've had a lot of bad arguments and my parents know about them. I can admit they have been too involved, but I always thought they tried to be very welcoming to him. My parents have expressed that they think he is bad for me, honestly that thought has crossed my mind. My husband looked through my phone and saw that my dad thinks this and he is now saying he will never see my parents again, and I'm supposed to be with him on the holidays so this essentially means I can never see my parents on the holidays again moving forward. I'm not sure if I can be happy in that situation, I am very close to my parents. And bringing kids into that? Idk. I know God hates divorce so I am trying to remedy things but my husband seems firm on his stance. What do I do....
 

notmyown

Senior Member
May 26, 2016
3,430
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#2
slow down, sister :)

what i mean is, don't rush into anything. you don't yet know what the Lord will do.

you married a man, and your first loyalty (humanly speaking) is to him, though the parents thing hurts you, this i understand.

it's good you recognize you have perhaps overshared with mom and dad. of course they're going to take your part; you're their little girl. maybe you can acknowledge to your husband you said too much to your folks. put that behind you, and let him know you will.

i have said a prayer for you. please don't give up on your marriage. seek the Lord in prayer, and ask Him to help you all.

welcome to Christian Chat. :)
 

PennEd

Senior Member
Apr 22, 2013
4,958
505
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#3
Me and my husband have not even been married a year and are having a rough go of it. When we were dating and engaged he came around my parents, even liked them I thought. We've had a lot of bad arguments and my parents know about them. I can admit they have been too involved, but I always thought they tried to be very welcoming to him. My parents have expressed that they think he is bad for me, honestly that thought has crossed my mind. My husband looked through my phone and saw that my dad thinks this and he is now saying he will never see my parents again, and I'm supposed to be with him on the holidays so this essentially means I can never see my parents on the holidays again moving forward. I'm not sure if I can be happy in that situation, I am very close to my parents. And bringing kids into that? Idk. I know God hates divorce so I am trying to remedy things but my husband seems firm on his stance. What do I do....


First off, welcome! I hope your time here is blessed.

I would sincerely apologize for involving your family in issues related your marriage to your husband. Ask for forgiveness for that, and also ask your parents to write an apology. People usually respond to sincerity, humbleness, and a plea for forgiveness.

This is the sort of thing that can truly build your marriage with trust.
 
Feb 7, 2015
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#4
Sometimes we don't like it, but those vows do say something about "forsaking ALL others...." Was he the one who involved your parents in your arguments?
 
Nov 14, 2017
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#5
Thank you :)

I definitely don't want to give up on it, let a lone only after 9 months. Our other issues are work through-able. I feel for my mom not having a relationship with us or the grandkids due to his hatred for my father. I do feel some of his other issues with them are un justified.
 
Dec 28, 2016
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#6
Do this, which is why you got married:

“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”

You two come first, above your parents, your parents need to know their place, and it isn't all up in your business. Put your husband first. Not saying there aren't issues, but do this, and be prayerful about it.
 
Nov 14, 2017
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#7
I'm the beginning he would, he would go to my dad sometimes to talk. I feel like every big fight we've had has almost been the end of us. Sometimes i feel when I don't bend to
His will on certain things he threatens divorce or something severe. When In the moment I truly believe we are over I leave and I go to the only other place I can, which is my parents.
 
Feb 7, 2015
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#8
When I first married my first wife, we had an argument. She went home to her grandparent's house to complain about me. I have always loved her grandmother for what she did.

She listened for a couple of hours, and when my wife headed for her old room, she told her "No. You married that man in that other house. You go home to him, you are not staying here."
 
Dec 28, 2016
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#9
Seekingadvice75234,

My wife and I got into an argument right before a trip. Of course, on the trip, we pass a farm, and in the fenced area close to the road it was filled with jackasses.

My wife snickered, then asked, "Relatives?"

I answered back, "Yep, in-laws."
 
Nov 14, 2017
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#10
The question I keep asking myself is if this never changes but we are good when we don't worry about the thing with my parents is this one thing, though very big to me worth saying this won't work.
 
Nov 14, 2017
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#11
My husband actually said that in one of his talks with my parents. That they should send me back to him (I've always gone back anyway) but they thought that idea was Ludacris. But I guess that's how it should be if your really biblically following marriage
 
Feb 7, 2015
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#12
Go check your marriage papers. I am willing to bet you won't find the names of either your parents, nor his, anywhere on those documents.

Parents need to learn to butt-out sometimes.
 
D

Depleted

Guest
#13
Thank you :)

I definitely don't want to give up on it, let a lone only after 9 months. Our other issues are work through-able. I feel for my mom not having a relationship with us or the grandkids due to his hatred for my father. I do feel some of his other issues with them are un justified.
Meh. My hubby never particularly liked my dad. Not really a problem, since I see why most wouldn't like Dad. He's still my dad though and I still love him.

BUT I married hubby. I just got Dad by birth. So, after hubby just couldn't hack going to family gatherings anymore, he stopped going. (My oldest brother is very much like Dad too, so hubby couldn't hack him either. I really see his point there, except time marches on and everyone grew up eventually.) I went. Not every time, but I went.

You chose your husband. He's your family now. You seem to be trying to keep your feet in two boats and the boats have parted ways. Worse yet, you caused that, since you did involve your parents, and you did keep telling them every single reason you are annoyed with hubby. What else were they supposed to think? He's the jerk hurting their little girl!

Do you even tell what good things he does, or do you just go home to mommy and daddy every time you have a problem with hubby?

My dad loves my husband. He has no idea the feeling isn't mutual. And mostly because the only reason he would know is if I told him. Same thing with my oldest brother. I don't go around gossiping negatively about my husband, so the only way anyone could find anything negative about hubby is if they spent time around him. (And, I must say, they'd still be hard-pressed to find anything negative about him.)

Here's a song I go by. Because "you've got to be wise, and keep your mouth shut. Don't advertise your man." It's not just what other woman do. It's also how we talk to our friends and family about our husbands.


[video=youtube;dky2n83VuvY]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dky2n83VuvY[/video]

You've got some major problems in your marriage, but not the ones you think. You've managed to reduce your husband to a mouse turd in a bowl of raisins. That's how you picture him. That's how your family pictures him. AND he knows it now.

Time to grow up. Remember why you married him? Good, because that guy is still there. Appreciate him. And stop making him your whipping boy. Always look for the positive in our mate. If we get so self-centered everything is about us, then this is what happens. The marriage falls apart. Stop thinking your family is involved with your marriage. Your husband IS your family. Your biological family isn't anymore. You still expect your life to revolve around your biological family? Then why did you get married? To me, my biological family is part of my extended family now. Still family, but like cousins. Love them, but they aren't my main life anymore. Hubby is.

You have yet to learn that, and this is where that has lead you.

You can go see your family at times. Don't expect hubby has to go with you. Where does that lead you for the holidays? It ought to lead you home and with your husband for Thanksgiving and Christmas. My family gathers together after New Years, because one brother works on all holidays. (Chef, and some go out to eat, instead of cook for themselves.) Holidays are always home with my family. I married my family.

And, lo and behold, 36 years later, hubby is no longer annoyed by my family, so he comes with me when he can. They still love him, because they never heard anything negative about him.

That's the freedom of choosing spouse over biological family.
 
D

Depleted

Guest
#14
When I first married my first wife, we had an argument. She went home to her grandparent's house to complain about me. I have always loved her grandmother for what she did.

She listened for a couple of hours, and when my wife headed for her old room, she told her "No. You married that man in that other house. You go home to him, you are not staying here."
Somebody needs to rep Willie for this! This is lesson one in any good marriage. The only thing better is when we get to the point of knowing a fight does not mean to go home to our biological family. We are home! We're merely arguing with our family -- our spouse!
 
D

Depleted

Guest
#15
Go check your marriage papers. I am willing to bet you won't find the names of either your parents, nor his, anywhere on those documents.

Parents need to learn to butt-out sometimes.
And married couples need to learn not to involve them too. :)
 
Feb 7, 2015
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#16
Meh. My hubby never particularly liked my dad. Not really a problem, since I see why most wouldn't like Dad. He's still my dad though and I still love him.

BUT I married hubby. I just got Dad by birth. So, after hubby just couldn't hack going to family gatherings anymore, he stopped going. (My oldest brother is very much like Dad too, so hubby couldn't hack him either. I really see his point there, except time marches on and everyone grew up eventually.) I went. Not every time, but I went.

You chose your husband. He's your family now. You seem to be trying to keep your feet in two boats and the boats have parted ways. Worse yet, you caused that, since you did involve your parents, and you did keep telling them every single reason you are annoyed with hubby. What else were they supposed to think? He's the jerk hurting their little girl!

Do you even tell what good things he does, or do you just go home to mommy and daddy every time you have a problem with hubby?

My dad loves my husband. He has no idea the feeling isn't mutual. And mostly because the only reason he would know is if I told him. Same thing with my oldest brother. I don't go around gossiping negatively about my husband, so the only way anyone could find anything negative about hubby is if they spent time around him. (And, I must say, they'd still be hard-pressed to find anything negative about him.)

Here's a song I go by. Because "you've got to be wise, and keep your mouth shut. Don't advertise your man." It's not just what other woman do. It's also how we talk to our friends and family about our husbands.


[video=youtube;dky2n83VuvY]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dky2n83VuvY[/video]

You've got some major problems in your marriage, but not the ones you think. You've managed to reduce your husband to a mouse turd in a bowl of raisins. That's how you picture him. That's how your family pictures him. AND he knows it now.

Time to grow up. Remember why you married him? Good, because that guy is still there. Appreciate him. And stop making him your whipping boy. Always look for the positive in our mate. If we get so self-centered everything is about us, then this is what happens. The marriage falls apart. Stop thinking your family is involved with your marriage. Your husband IS your family. Your biological family isn't anymore. You still expect your life to revolve around your biological family? Then why did you get married? To me, my biological family is part of my extended family now. Still family, but like cousins. Love them, but they aren't my main life anymore. Hubby is.

You have yet to learn that, and this is where that has lead you.

You can go see your family at times. Don't expect hubby has to go with you. Where does that lead you for the holidays? It ought to lead you home and with your husband for Thanksgiving and Christmas. My family gathers together after New Years, because one brother works on all holidays. (Chef, and some go out to eat, instead of cook for themselves.) Holidays are always home with my family. I married my family.

And, lo and behold, 36 years later, hubby is no longer annoyed by my family, so he comes with me when he can. They still love him, because they never heard anything negative about him.

That's the freedom of choosing spouse over biological family.
Excellent post. (Almost like telling her to use her brain.)
 

Ugly

Senior Member
Apr 19, 2011
20,645
626
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#18
The root issue isn't actually your husband's disdain for you father. That's a symptom of a larger issue.
Rather than your husband working to prove himself he lashes out and acts like the kind of person your father thinks he is. Children do the same thing. Why doesn't your husband step up his game and act like a man and a husband and become someone respectable in your parents eyes?
How? Stop threatening you is a good start. Stop letting arguments become so heated you think the marriage is over.
Your husband uses anger to controls manipulate you. He doesn't have to believe have things he says, he just needs to know you do. You have the entire situation revolving around him, his whims and his temper, then surprised he wants things his way. Of course he does, and you let him.
I can't say this falls under the definition of a biblical marriage. Where you feel manipulated, powerless, fearful and on edge constantly and he knows in a few words how to turn your world upside down. It sounds to me like he needs some accountability in his actions. He needs to grow up and be a man and handle his business.
 

Corbinscam

Senior Member
Jul 17, 2016
558
33
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#19
When I first married my first wife, we had an argument. She went home to her grandparent's house to complain about me. I have always loved her grandmother for what she did.

She listened for a couple of hours, and when my wife headed for her old room, she told her "No. You married that man in that other house. You go home to him, you are not staying here."
When we got married...she was about half through a pregnancy and we lived with my grandma until after the baby was born. We'd never argued...and we've been good friends for as long as either of us can remember. Long story short....I annoyed her. She went whining to my grandma about me. Grandma told her "you married him and promised to respect him. Grow up". After that she whined to me about grandma...haha.

But with a road map on how. lol
A freaking awesome road map :p

I can't really add anything of major value to what the OP has been told but I will say this....the first year of marriage was nothing at all like I figured it'd be...at all. There's a process of kind of mushing and learning to function as a team...as one. It in some ways is fun...but in some ways it's been really rough for us. But I do know it's worth the effort. Chances are if you take the time to really love and respect him (and he learns to do the same for you) your extended family will fall into place. But they have to see you as a united front. A good friend of mine (who happens to be like 60something and has been married for over 35 years lol) told my wife and I both...to always remember that when you rant about your spouse you'll likely get over it and forgive long before the person you're ranting to will forget or forgive. Your dad isn't going to like some guy he thinks is treating his daughter badly....so unless its bad and you need out...don't rant to dad or mom..or anyone :D
 

student

Senior Member
Jul 20, 2010
935
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#20
I pray for you...but I'm on board with the 'leave and cleave" party. I did...but when my husband stepped out...I talked to HIS relatives. That made a difference. Though it still didn't work out. Lots of baggage.

In time, your husband will understand your need for your parents. He is the authority in the house...as God has set the house. Seek a clergy or Christian therapist to help get out the wrinkles. Marriage is a beautiful foundation to have...but without trust and commitment...it's not a marriage that will work well.

God gave me a symbol concerning marriage....I hope your husband is Christian. That's huge in this working.
Diamond in the Rough.

Imagine a diamond ... turned such that two people sit facing one another. A married couple. An argument happens. The push back the chairs and turn away from each other.

Now remember God is the head of this household. HE is at the top point of the diamond and Jesus holds the bottom point...the cornerstone. Turn back to the table..the diamond. Wife grab God's hand and Put the other hand in Jesus' hand. Husband do the same.

A strand of three cords is hard to break...What? The Holy Spirit....He's in both of you.

Amazing Grace....Be blessed dear lady. It's going to be ok.
=student.