Husband would rather masturbate than have sex with me

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Kbella82

Junior Member
Jan 13, 2014
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#1
What should I do if my husband would rather masturbate (with or without porn) than have sex with me? I've been dealing with this for the last 6 years, our entire marriage. When I first found out he was looking at porn during our first year of marriage (on a daily basis), I confronted him and he promised he would stop. That lasted a while I believe but he continues to go back to it. Recently after I had a baby, 4 months past and not once did he even try to initiate sex. So I told him I knew he was doing something and he admitted to looking at porn again. He is no longer allowed (I feel like his mother saying that) to take his phone in the restroom with him but I know he is still masturbating often even without porn. I don't think he sees anything wrong with it as long as he's not looking at porn. I don't know what to do. I take care of myself and I'm an attractive and confident woman but it's starting to really effect my self esteem and self worth. We are rarely intimate and when we are it's usually because I initiate it and it's all about him, there is never any focus on me. I don't really care about the pleasure for myself but I NEED that intimacy and closeness with my husband. I have told him how I feel and it will change for a little bit and then it goes right back to the way it was. I am now starting to obsess about it, every time we are out I feel like he's looking at other women, when we are home watching tv and a pretty woman comes on tv I wonder what he's thinking about, when he goes into the bathroom I wonder what he's doing. And when we are intimate I can't help to wonder if he's even thinking of me. I hate it. Am I being ridiculous to let this bother me so much? Any suggestions as what I should do? I know he would not be open to counseling at this point.
 
Jan 2, 2014
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#2
Men masturbate because they lack intimacy, so the masturbation is a short term quick fix.

When was the last time you had a romantic evening?

When was the last time you had a in depth conversation with him about his life?

When was the last time you did something nice for him?

Have you considered learning about his love language?

Are you engaged and/or interested in what he is interested in?

Is there something that happened in the past that might have triggered mistrust or disgust with you?
 
Jan 4, 2014
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#3
Ok, this is not the right place to be asking this question, simply for the fact you have a lot of immature and younger people here, My advice would be to seek out your pastors wife and have a friendly discussion about this :) Or some women in your church that you trust and can talk openly and freely with :) Sorry i cannot give you more information.
 
Jan 2, 2014
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#4
I really didn't mean to imply you're at fault because you're probably not. He might have underlying issues.
 
Jun 22, 2013
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#5
Let him know that he is defrauding you, to use the language of the bible. It is your conjugal right to receive intimacy from your husband. This may not change anything, but at least he will be aware of the truth from Scripture. And that's what we want, to preach the truth. So present this truth and you will have done your part. Whatever else you decide to do is a matter for prayer.

1Corinthians 7:5 Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.

1Corinthians 7:2 Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.

Paul is saying to the married to engage in intimacy. To "have".
 

Fenner

Senior Member
Jan 26, 2013
7,507
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#6
What should I do if my husband would rather masturbate (with or without porn) than have sex with me? I've been dealing with this for the last 6 years, our entire marriage. When I first found out he was looking at porn during our first year of marriage (on a daily basis), I confronted him and he promised he would stop. That lasted a while I believe but he continues to go back to it. Recently after I had a baby, 4 months past and not once did he even try to initiate sex. So I told him I knew he was doing something and he admitted to looking at porn again. He is no longer allowed (I feel like his mother saying that) to take his phone in the restroom with him but I know he is still masturbating often even without porn. I don't think he sees anything wrong with it as long as he's not looking at porn. I don't know what to do. I take care of myself and I'm an attractive and confident woman but it's starting to really effect my self esteem and self worth. We are rarely intimate and when we are it's usually because I initiate it and it's all about him, there is never any focus on me. I don't really care about the pleasure for myself but I NEED that intimacy and closeness with my husband. I have told him how I feel and it will change for a little bit and then it goes right back to the way it was. I am now starting to obsess about it, every time we are out I feel like he's looking at other women, when we are home watching tv and a pretty woman comes on tv I wonder what he's thinking about, when he goes into the bathroom I wonder what he's doing. And when we are intimate I can't help to wonder if he's even thinking of me. I hate it. Am I being ridiculous to let this bother me so much? Any suggestions as what I should do? I know he would not be open to counseling at this point.


I think your husband has a porn addiction. He's going to need help to get over that. If we won't get counseling you need to. This isn't fair to you, he's taken a very important aspect out of your marriage.

If you seek help they will help you deal with this and tell you how to handle the situation with him.

God Bless you.
 

Fenner

Senior Member
Jan 26, 2013
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#7
To KBella, in a couple of days you should have access to the ladies forum. It's a private forum that the men can't see. You are more than welcome to come in there and talk to us when you have access. You will meet many women in there with great advice Or Private message me anytime.

Fenner AKA Jen
 

Kbella82

Junior Member
Jan 13, 2014
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#8
Thank you for your replies. Sorry if I offended anyone by asking it. I have been searching the web and all the secular sites say it's normal and men will do that so basically I need to get over it. I found Christian Chat and saw some posts about similar topics on here so I assumed it was alright if I asked it. Thank you Jen for telling me about the ladies forum, I will wait and post on that one.
 

Lecrae

Senior Member
Jan 15, 2011
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#9
I think your husband has a porn addiction. He's going to need help to get over that. If we won't get counseling you need to. This isn't fair to you, he's taken a very important aspect out of your marriage.

If you seek help they will help you deal with this and tell you how to handle the situation with him.

God Bless you.
I would agree with this. I used to be in the same area as your husband, but I took a free biblical Christian counseling course at settingcaptivesfree.com and I've been free of the sin ever since. This sin is harder than you think to get rid of. I'd suggest sending him to the "way of purity" course on this website, and he may see freedom if he implements the biblical principles laid out to him.

God Bless,

~Will
 

Kbella82

Junior Member
Jan 13, 2014
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#10
Thank you Will. I will try to find that course. Not sure if he will be open to it but I hope so!

Is there a way to delete a post? If there is I will delete my post above but I haven't been able to figure out how.
 

Fenner

Senior Member
Jan 26, 2013
7,507
104
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#11
Thank you for your replies. Sorry if I offended anyone by asking it. I have been searching the web and all the secular sites say it's normal and men will do that so basically I need to get over it. I found Christian Chat and saw some posts about similar topics on here so I assumed it was alright if I asked it. Thank you Jen for telling me about the ladies forum, I will wait and post on that one.

I feel bad that someone told you that you need to get over it. That's very sad, what kind's of marriage do those people have?
 

Jruiz

Senior Member
Dec 13, 2013
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#13
Your husband should be desiring you! And not porn...men seem to think its not a big deal but it is! When I caught my husband I felt cheated on..I felt unattractive .. It's extremely hurtful...:( jesus said lusting after woman is wrong and is considered adaultry ...I Would write him a letter and tell him how you feel and your not gonna put up with this.. If it means staying at a friends house for a couple of days just to show him your serious ... You do not deserve this!
 

Kbella82

Junior Member
Jan 13, 2014
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#14
Jruiz...I did write him a letter telling him how I feel. I quoted matthew 5:28 that says looking at a woman with lust is committing adultery in your heart. I told him that it made me feel cheated on. So he no longer takes his phone with him in the restroom but how am I to be sure it's not happening when I'm not around? If I find out that he is continuing to look at porn I will have to do something so he knows I'm serious but I'm not sure what, it's hard to just pack up and go somewhere with two kids!

Fenner....it's amazing how many women are ok with their husbands doing that kind of thing. Most of them say it's completely normal and all men do it. And that if I keep giving him a hard time about it that he will just try harder to hide it and continue doing it. That's why I wanted some advice on what Christian's think about it and any advice on what I should do because most people don't feel that it is wrong like I do.
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#15
This sounds like addiction. Which started before your marriage and has no reflection on you. If you research addiction you will find addiction, no matter what the addiction is to, doesn't end just because they love someone, or someone loves them. Marriage doesn't make addictions go away.
The first step to getting over addiction is the person needs to acknowledge their addiction, second they need to see a need to change and last they need to Want to change. If you can't get those steps it won't stop.
I get that it affects your self esteem, but try to keep in mind that this is addiction and has nothing to do with you, in reality. This is his problem and is an internal issue.
This focus on his own needs comes from the porn. Porn centers around the man. The goal of women in porn is to make sure the man is satisfied and the woman's satisfaction comes from the fact that the man is just so amazing that no matter what he does its mind blowing and shes lucky just to have sex with him.
Your not caring about the pleasure isn't true. You're just desperate enough to be close with him you don't care Now. But there is no intimacy if it's all about him. But since you get almost nothing your attitude is 'i'll take what i can get'. And as a result that's how you probably act and feed his selfishness. Two people focusing on the one persons needs every time isn't intimate, its lust. Two people focusing on each others needs is intimate.
You are not ridiculous for your reaction. While his intentions may not be to have any actions against you, they still are sinful. He is selfish, lustful, addicted and not fulfilling his marriage covenant. Nor the biblical mandate to 'come together regularly to prevent the devil from getting a foothold', so yes, your reaction is reasonable.
If he's not willing to admit to the wrongness, to counseling, etc... sadly you are stuck. At this point you may need to seek pastoral counseling. Some people may have differing views on how you can and/or should deal with this. What your options are, etc.. So use caution when taking advice online.
 

Jruiz

Senior Member
Dec 13, 2013
565
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#17
Kinda funny... I caught my husband two days ago taking the phone into the bathroom...doing the same thing! Uh...
 
May 3, 2013
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#19
It might sound rude if I tell I was reminded why some women like riding horses daily.
That's a private issue each person show his/her bias and too little true (but the one finds disgusting or offending).

Recently I knew a person I fled from. I knew those things she wanted (those she wanted in her privacy, her mind and bathroom) that I left her alone and, if many people dare to say (or confess) publicly who or how they are, the things here wouldn't be safe to talk or share under the FELLOWSHIP of Christendom.

Before I got divorced I asked my wife to see porn. I wnated more than I was receiving and, by doing that, I screwed up and spoiled HER life (a thing I regret) (a thing I have blogged and confessed, somewhere else).

If a man or a woman does that, something in his/her INTIMACY is not working well.

If I "eat" or "overeat" something in my mind is not working well, the same applies for marriage. spouses ARE to provide and GIVE what the other might need, otherwise, the "needy" person goes out to get it.
 

nimbus3852

Senior Member
Dec 23, 2013
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#20
Different people have different libidos. This is something that is discovered later in the relationship. What if one person simply cannot handle the other's sex drive?