I'm in a quandry

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Homewardbound

Active member
Dec 10, 2018
197
187
43
#1
I have a friend that I have known for a long time. I met him during a time when his first marriage was just starting to head for the rocks.
Needless to say, it did hit the rocks. (strike one) About 8 months or so later, he married again...to an abusive and strong headed woman. That marriage started going south within the first year or so, as I understand.
I lost track of him for about 7 or 8 years, and when we reconnected, it was all about how bad things were for him. For almost 18 months I tried to do my best to help him out, but his marriage ended. (strike two).
He was introduced by phone to someone in Idaho that my wife and I know. A person who has been in and out of alcohol rehab 3-4 times, and not at all walking with the Lord. 2 weeks after their first phone call together, he tells me they are in love and want to get married...I tried to caution him to go a bit slower, but he got mad at me about it, telling me I should be happy for him finding someone. I stopped trying to help and encourage at that point. I recently heard he married her after only being together face to face for a day or so.
Am I wrong not to be happy for him? I just see another cycle of issues and hassles, with him wanting to dump his problems on me.
What can I do?
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
66,735
4,659
113
#3
Strike 3 in progress... :(

He made his bed unsuccessfully 3 times now.. Obviously he isn't gonna listen.. so wash the dust off and move on.
 

Homewardbound

Active member
Dec 10, 2018
197
187
43
#4
Strike 3 in progress... :(

He made his bed unsuccessfully 3 times now.. Obviously he isn't gonna listen.. so wash the dust off and move on.
That is my plan for sure, move on. What bothers me is that the ink wasn't even dry on his second divorce before he proposed to his third wife...
 

Locoponydirtman

Well-known member
Oct 9, 2018
478
286
63
Texas
#5
Are aren't we all glad that Jesus didn't give up on us because we were stupid?
all you can do is keep pointing him towards Jesus every time he comes to you with his problems point him towards Jesus. Until his shenanigans become actually harmful to you keep pointing him towards Jesus, then you have to draw boundaries.
I had a friend who was very similar he didn't get married a bunch of times but he sure fell in love with every woman that looked at him.
I just kept pointing towards Jesus. It helped that he understood when I told him he was acting stupid. Now rather than being a woman Hopper he is a happily married man and he talks about Jesus a lot.
So be honest , be positive, be pointing towards Jesus.
 

Homewardbound

Active member
Dec 10, 2018
197
187
43
#6
Are aren't we all glad that Jesus didn't give up on us because we were stupid?
all you can do is keep pointing him towards Jesus every time he comes to you with his problems point him towards Jesus. Until his shenanigans become actually harmful to you keep pointing him towards Jesus, then you have to draw boundaries.
I had a friend who was very similar he didn't get married a bunch of times but he sure fell in love with every woman that looked at him.
I just kept pointing towards Jesus. It helped that he understood when I told him he was acting stupid. Now rather than being a woman Hopper he is a happily married man and he talks about Jesus a lot.
So be honest , be positive, be pointing towards Jesus.
Thanks for this. I will definitely point him to Jesus when stuff arises. I am praying for him, but sometimes I just don't know what to pray for...so thanks for pointing ME to Jesus too!!!
 

Locoponydirtman

Well-known member
Oct 9, 2018
478
286
63
Texas
#7
It's very easy for someone who has been successfully living the Christian lifestyle to forget where you came from. it's all so easy for us to forget our own sins and failures and foolishness. when we do we become self-righteous and austere and that's a sin in itself. I'm not wise in myself I don't know anything for myself everything that I have was given to me, by our Lord and savior Jesus. If I do something smart it's because Jesus did it in me. If I do something stupid that's me at work.
 

Homewardbound

Active member
Dec 10, 2018
197
187
43
#8
It's very easy for someone who has been successfully living the Christian lifestyle to forget where you came from. it's all so easy for us to forget our own sins and failures and foolishness. when we do we become self-righteous and austere and that's a sin in itself. I'm not wise in myself I don't know anything for myself everything that I have was given to me, by our Lord and savior Jesus. If I do something smart it's because Jesus did it in me. If I do something stupid that's me at work.
I am definitely not perfect, and my Christian lifestyle is a work in progress. Having said that, we all have experiences and lessons in life that we can share and encourage one another with. It can be a disappointing thing when we see someone heading for a problem, knowing what the outcome may be. However, I am learning to let go and let Jesus do the work.
 

Miri

The Thingy Member
Jul 22, 2012
8,685
1,609
113
UK age 50
#9
There is a saying, you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it
drink.


An alternative saying is, we can lead a horse to water and encourage it to drink.
But only God can change it so completely that it jumps into the water head first!

In other words, you can’t change your friend only God can. You can’t change his
mindset, only God can. You can’t change his past, but God can change his present and
future.

Pray that instead of chasing after human love, he will come to know God who is love.
 

Subhumanoidal

Well-known member
Sep 17, 2018
685
575
93
#10
That is my plan for sure, move on. What bothers me is that the ink wasn't even dry on his second divorce before he proposed to his third wife...
Some people simply refuse to listen or change. I spent years trying to help someone, often with the same problems. They never listened, and when consequences arose the cycle continued.
Eventually I had to cut way back on the amount of time i wasted trying to help someone that didn't Really want help.

Your friend has a history of bad choices in this area. Either he can't or won't see it. You did your part, but theres no use throwing pearl's before swine.
And clearly they aren't grateful for all the time you've given them already. Perhaps it's time to stop being part of his cycle and his safety net and let him live with his choices.
 

Demi777

Senior Member
Oct 13, 2014
6,313
1,213
113
Germany
#11
Sometimes you have to shake the dust off of your shoes and pray. That is my advice
 

presidente

Senior Member
May 29, 2013
4,240
196
63
#12
Memorize the verses on celibacy to share with people in this situation.
 

oldethennew

Senior Member
Feb 28, 2016
8,479
1,182
113
#13
Hb,
how blessed your longtime friend is, albeit he doesn't know it yet, but one day
he will - it sounds like you are a 'tried & true' friend, such rare Christ-like virtues...

when we love others in Christ, it never leaves us, but so often grieves us down
to the bone, so we must remain faithful to our bond, but prayfully cautious
in our actions with them - The Holy Spirit will lead...
 

Hungry

Senior Member
Nov 26, 2012
1,632
342
83
#15
Sounds like your friend has an addiction to misery. Seeing that you’re still his friend...maybe you both do.
 
Jan 4, 2019
31
60
18
#16
Am I wrong not to be happy for him? I just see another cycle of issues and hassles, with him wanting to dump his problems on me.
What can I do?

While praying and seeking God is the first thing to do, I think that maybe you should look into codependency. I would recommended the book "Codependent No More" for both you and your friend. There a several Christian based books that deal with the issue as well. If you are interested in this, I will be happy to share more with you. If this is a new concept to you, I encourage you to examine it. Learning this has changed my life. I understand your frustration between what is the "Christian' thing to do and the fact that your friend does not seem to improve throughout the circumstances. I've struggled with that but the first that I learned was that in order to help or be there for others, I had to be healthy myself. In order to further the Gospel, you must be healthy and feel ready to meet the problems that arise.
I will be praying.
 
Jan 4, 2019
31
60
18
#17
However, it is not our place to judge. I am speaking purely out of concern for you and am focused on the question of whether or not you should do anything about the situation. In short, my answer is wait. Examine what motivates you. Is it because you feel that you must or that you have to? Is it out of fear of what could go wrong? Is it out of the love you have for your friend? You may find that the hesitancy that you are feeling is a defense mechanism on how to approach the future.
I will be praying, for both you and your friend. This response is not meant to offend (I truthfully hope that it does not) but rather to evoke some deeper thoughts.
 
Mar 23, 2016
2,591
454
83
#18
I know people who have been married several times. When one marriage ends, another relationship is started very soon thereafter. I've often wondered if people are unable to be at peace if/when they are alone.

Perhaps they have never experienced the love of the Father and that is what they are truly lacking but believe that this other person is what is missing in their lives ... only to again feel empty again when that relationship ends.

As others have pointed out to you, continue to point your friend to the Lord Jesus Christ. Only He can bring your friend to the Father (Matt 11:25-30). Does your friend read his Bible and is he involved in his church?



 
Nov 21, 2018
36
44
18
#19
I have a friend that I have known for a long time. I met him during a time when his first marriage was just starting to head for the rocks.
Needless to say, it did hit the rocks. (strike one) About 8 months or so later, he married again...to an abusive and strong headed woman. That marriage started going south within the first year or so, as I understand.
I lost track of him for about 7 or 8 years, and when we reconnected, it was all about how bad things were for him. For almost 18 months I tried to do my best to help him out, but his marriage ended. (strike two).
He was introduced by phone to someone in Idaho that my wife and I know. A person who has been in and out of alcohol rehab 3-4 times, and not at all walking with the Lord. 2 weeks after their first phone call together, he tells me they are in love and want to get married...I tried to caution him to go a bit slower, but he got mad at me about it, telling me I should be happy for him finding someone. I stopped trying to help and encourage at that point. I recently heard he married her after only being together face to face for a day or so.
Am I wrong not to be happy for him? I just see another cycle of issues and hassles, with him wanting to dump his problems on me.
What can I do?
First stop trying to fix him and his problems and give them to God instead through prayer.

He isn't going to listen to what you say but wants you to listen to his problems.

You have to honestly ask yourself if you can listen without judging him or trying to fix his problems but with love and compassion so when it does fail he knows he isn't alone....or are you in a place in your life where anymore weight from someone else's burdens will be too much and toxic to your life?

I don't know where you are but pray and ask God if you should stay and listen or distance yourself more.

He will tell you in your heart and give you peace and joy. God bless.
 

Homewardbound

Active member
Dec 10, 2018
197
187
43
#20
However, it is not our place to judge. I am speaking purely out of concern for you and am focused on the question of whether or not you should do anything about the situation. In short, my answer is wait. Examine what motivates you. Is it because you feel that you must or that you have to? Is it out of fear of what could go wrong? Is it out of the love you have for your friend? You may find that the hesitancy that you are feeling is a defense mechanism on how to approach the future.
I will be praying, for both you and your friend. This response is not meant to offend (I truthfully hope that it does not) but rather to evoke some deeper thoughts.
Just to let you know, you have not offended me at all! I appreciate your feedback.
I have really cut back talking to him about his stuff. I do just pray for him, and I am moving on in my own walk with God. He has chosen his way and I wish my friend the best.