Marriage Advice - 14 years and harder every year

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C

cjbsnow

New member
#1
May 22, 2019
3
3
3
#1
Hi! New to the forum. Thanks for welcoming me.

I've been married for over 14 years. I had an online affair in 2009-2010. My wife found out at the end of 2010. We worked through our problems at the time. I was repentant and in all of that mess Christ found me. I am so thankful for that. Since then we have continued to work on our marriage and had our share of ups and downs. Recently though things have been getting more difficult. It's felt like we're working against each other. She had to have surgery and I worked my butt off to take care of her and make sure she had everything she needed, while also working my job and taking care of kids, house, etc. She acted like I hadn't done anything special. I cook breakfast for our kids, pack school lunches, mow the lawn, fold and hang laundry, do the dishes, sometimes cook dinner, love my kids. I do everything I can and it never feels good enough for her. Why? Why am I not good enough?

It feels like we're just never making progress. I am working on becoming an elder or deacon in my church and feel like my relationship with God is about as good as it's ever been but my marriage is falling apart. She told me tonight she's sick of trying and is giving up. She says she's not attracted to me and and sick of talking every night. She'll stay married but doesn't want to do counseling anymore.

I know I broke it almost 10 years ago and I take full responsibility for that. How in the world do I put this back together. She doesn't even think I care or am trying and I'm really working my butt off to heal our marriage and show her I love her.

Any advice MUCH appreciated!
 
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Godsgirl83

Guest
#2
#2
CJ! I don't have an answer to give you right now, I do not like to give an answer for the sake of an answer. I do know there are others on this site who have had similar situations and pray they reach out to you. You stated that you have been growing closer to the Lord, (I think it was in a different post) That is one of the biggest steps. I will be praying for you and for her.
 
Violet24

Violet24

Senior Member
#3
Apr 14, 2015
1,074
148
63
#3
Some encouragement for you in the Lord.....You may have heard of the ministry "Marriage Today" with Jimmy Evans. In my personal opinion, I love his teachings as I feel Jimmy Evans shares valuable insights & wisdom regarding marriage. I think I have listened to everyone of his teachings. On a personal note, I was married for 25 years, and lost my husband a few years ago to an illness, but with that said, I have learned a lot through my own marriage in keeping it strong. Here is a video teaching from "Marriage Today" restoring unity & peace back into a marriage, which comes only from the Lord. This teaching title is "How to keep your marriage flying high: Jimmy Evans.
 
Dino246

Dino246

Senior Member
#4
Jun 30, 2015
24,685
13,375
113
#4
cjbsnow said:
Hi! New to the forum. Thanks for welcoming me.

I've been married for over 14 years. I had an online affair in 2009-2010. My wife found out at the end of 2010. We worked through our problems at the time. I was repentant and in all of that mess Christ found me. I am so thankful for that. Since then we have continued to work on our marriage and had our share of ups and downs. Recently though things have been getting more difficult. It's felt like we're working against each other. She had to have surgery and I worked my butt off to take care of her and make sure she had everything she needed, while also working my job and taking care of kids, house, etc. She acted like I hadn't done anything special. I cook breakfast for our kids, pack school lunches, mow the lawn, fold and hang laundry, do the dishes, sometimes cook dinner, love my kids. I do everything I can and it never feels good enough for her. Why? Why am I not good enough?

It feels like we're just never making progress. I am working on becoming an elder or deacon in my church and feel like my relationship with God is about as good as it's ever been but my marriage is falling apart. She told me tonight she's sick of trying and is giving up. She says she's not attracted to me and and sick of talking every night. She'll stay married but doesn't want to do counseling anymore.

I know I broke it almost 10 years ago and I take full responsibility for that. How in the world do I put this back together. She doesn't even think I care or am trying and I'm really working my butt off to heal our marriage and show her I love her.

Any advice MUCH appreciated!
Click to expand...
Hello and welcome...

I went through a similar situation when I was married (without the affair). Please don't take my input as personal criticism, but simply as from a brother who is farther along the road. Also, my thoughts are offered on the basis of what you have shared; there are always two sides, and usually much pertinent information that isn't shared.

Put aside becoming and elder or deacon, and refuse the role if offered. You aren't in the right space to take on that responsibility.

Don't assess your worth based on your wife's approval. It sounds like you're doing the right things, so keep on with those.

You can't fix her, so stop trying. It sounds like you two have already tried counseling... was it with a pastor or with an experienced Christian counselor (they aren't the same thing)?

Ensure that you have dealt with your own issues. It is easy to overlook one's own sin in this kind of situation, and to focus on the perceived wrongdoing of the spouse.

The sad reality is that many marriages end because one partner has given up. That happened with mine; the ex stopped trying to improve things and started trying to destroy them through separation and divorce. Pray rather than trying to sort things out with her. There is no guarantee that God will heal the marriage, because He won't violate her free will, but He is still in the miracle business. If nothing else, your relationship with Him will become deeper and more intimate. You will need that deep root regardless of what happens in the marriage.
 
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Gerry53

Member
#5
May 16, 2019
58
39
18
#5
every thing dino said plus you betrayed her trust in you, and if she really loved you well that stings a bit.so she probally put a wall so it could take time to heal.so give her time ans space.
 
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Gerry53

Member
#6
May 16, 2019
58
39
18
#6
just another thought,my ex-wife once told me i never realized what i had,until i realized that i had lost you.maybe that is the lesson god is making you learn.i do hope it will work out for you and your family.just continue what you are doing and trust god with it .
 
Lafftur

Lafftur

Senior Member
#7
Apr 18, 2017
6,739
3,556
113
#7
cjbsnow said:
Hi! New to the forum. Thanks for welcoming me.

I've been married for over 14 years. I had an online affair in 2009-2010. My wife found out at the end of 2010. We worked through our problems at the time. I was repentant and in all of that mess Christ found me. I am so thankful for that. Since then we have continued to work on our marriage and had our share of ups and downs. Recently though things have been getting more difficult. It's felt like we're working against each other. She had to have surgery and I worked my butt off to take care of her and make sure she had everything she needed, while also working my job and taking care of kids, house, etc. She acted like I hadn't done anything special. I cook breakfast for our kids, pack school lunches, mow the lawn, fold and hang laundry, do the dishes, sometimes cook dinner, love my kids. I do everything I can and it never feels good enough for her. Why? Why am I not good enough?

It feels like we're just never making progress. I am working on becoming an elder or deacon in my church and feel like my relationship with God is about as good as it's ever been but my marriage is falling apart. She told me tonight she's sick of trying and is giving up. She says she's not attracted to me and and sick of talking every night. She'll stay married but doesn't want to do counseling anymore.

I know I broke it almost 10 years ago and I take full responsibility for that. How in the world do I put this back together. She doesn't even think I care or am trying and I'm really working my butt off to heal our marriage and show her I love her.

Any advice MUCH appreciated!
Click to expand...
Hello cjbsnow,

One word......... forgiveness. Whether a person is truly sorry or not, I still need to forgive them. If I don't, my emotions will never heal and I'll stay in a place of emotional torment.

She needs to forgive you AND you need to forgive her.

Here are some resources that have helped my marriage:




Dear Heavenly Father,

Save this marriage. Return both of them to their "first love." Father, in Your mercy, send Your Word and Your Spirit and overrule any bad decisions of theirs and lead them to a place of healing, restoration, and steadfast love for You and each other, in the Name of Yeshua/Jesus, amen.

p.s. Father, do this for all our marriages, in the Name of Yeshua/Jesus, amen. :love:(y)
 
Bingo

Bingo

Well-known member
#8
Feb 9, 2019
8,392
4,423
113
#8
Dino246 said:
Hello and welcome...

I went through a similar situation when I was married (without the affair). Please don't take my input as personal criticism, but simply as from a brother who is farther along the road. Also, my thoughts are offered on the basis of what you have shared; there are always two sides, and usually much pertinent information that isn't shared.

Put aside becoming and elder or deacon, and refuse the role if offered. You aren't in the right space to take on that responsibility.

Don't assess your worth based on your wife's approval. It sounds like you're doing the right things, so keep on with those.

You can't fix her, so stop trying. It sounds like you two have already tried counseling... was it with a pastor or with an experienced Christian counselor (they aren't the same thing)?

Ensure that you have dealt with your own issues. It is easy to overlook one's own sin in this kind of situation, and to focus on the perceived wrongdoing of the spouse.

The sad reality is that many marriages end because one partner has given up. That happened with mine; the ex stopped trying to improve things and started trying to destroy them through separation and divorce. Pray rather than trying to sort things out with her. There is no guarantee that God will heal the marriage, because He won't violate her free will, but He is still in the miracle business. If nothing else, your relationship with Him will become deeper and more intimate. You will need that deep root regardless of what happens in the marriage.
Click to expand...
"Sound advise".........:)
 
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