Marriage Issues..

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TwinMomma16

Junior Member
Nov 22, 2017
5
0
0
#1
Hello all,
I'm new here and am in desperate need of some advice. My husband and I have been married for over 11 years now and have beautiful twin boys. We've had our share of marriage problems over the years, we were even seperated back in 2010 but with help from a Christian counselor we were able to repair our marriage and these past 7 years (I thought) have been great. But just a few weeks ago my husband tells me he's not happy, and doesn't feel like he's loved and that I only have negative things to say. I was completely shocked. I mean, life has gotten super busy. He works 80+hrs a week and I'm a full time mom to our 20month old boys. But just because we're busy doesn't mean I don't love and aprecitate all that he does! I'm not the best at expressing my feelings and I have always been a "Glass half full" kinda person but that's something he's always known about me.
So know that he's told me this I've been trying to monitor myself and trying to show him I love him with little notes and making certain foods only he likes and trying to be more positive, and in return he tells me it's not enough or in one of the notes he scribbled over nice things I said and made snide remarks. For someone who has a hard enough time expressing myself, that just felt like a slap in the face. I just feel so discouraged and sad. How do I make someone feel loved when in return all I get back is negativity? How do I stay positive when I just want to lash out and tell him to grow up?
I don't want a divorce, I want our children to grow up in a happy home with love all around them. But how after 11 years do you fall back in love with your spouse? I love him and we work well together, but apparently we're not IN love with each other..
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
62,888
1,772
113
#2
I'm REALLY bad at giving marital advice but I'll leave you with this verse. :) Luke 1:37..
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
23,014
1,546
113
63
Florida
#3
I like the little notes thing that you do. My wife and I started doing that about a year ago and it has made a difference.

From your post I can tell that you are being sensitive to the needs of your husband. You are right in that there is a difference to being in love and loving the person. Everyday life can bog you down and drain you and eventually the being in love feeling disappears. It's possible to get the feeling back and more than once in a marriage.

I believe that his workload is sucking the life out of him and he has insufficient energy left to give back to you in a positive way. Does he have to work all of those hours to make ends meet? Regardless, God can provide an answer.

I know that you're both very busy but if your not doing so already I highly recommend daily prayer, bible reading and devotion together, or at least find the time to do so as often as you can.

Hopefully, you will find comfort, support and understanding from the members of this site. Glad to have you join us. Welcome to CC.
 

TwinMomma16

Junior Member
Nov 22, 2017
5
0
0
#4
His work load is sucking the life from him, but since he runs his own business it's very hard for him to take time for himself and time for our family. He is a hard worker and never wants to turn away a customer even if he really doesn't need the work. Now that our boys are older I've tried to get him to let me help, even if it's just doing invoicing or anything little that would help him and he always says he's got it.
Even though we are both saved we sadly haven't been to church in years. There was really bad drama at our last church and living in such a rural area there aren't a lot of churches to choose from. We were doing home church with several other families and sadly that also fell by the way side. With our boys I've been doing little Bible stories with them and trying to find a church that we might all like. How's that for another prayer request, pray that God sends us to the right church!
Thank you for welcoming me and I hope to find some good friends here.
 

Nehemiah6

Senior Member
Jul 18, 2017
5,781
541
113
#5
We've had our share of marriage problems over the years, we were even seperated back in 2010 but with help from a Christian counselor we were able to repair our marriage and these past 7 years (I thought) have been great.
Perhaps it's time to go back and see this counselor, or a pastor (or pastors). Since you have not mentioned it, the key to a solid marriage will be that you both are IN CHRIST ("in the Lord"). So if this issue has not been resolved, then it needs to be addressed properly.
 

jenniferand2

Senior Member
Mar 19, 2016
1,432
32
48
#6
I am wondering if he has already checked out of the marriage but is waiting maybe on the holidays to be over before he really checks out. If you are trying and making an effort to show him you care and he is just running you over for it chances are he is not interested in fixing things. Either that or he is very much a narcissist.. Sit down and have a conversation with him the only way people can either work things out or not is too put everything on the table and talk about it.. Ask him why he is being a pain when you try to show him you care. Ask him if he is even interested in being with you anymore. Ask him if has is cheating or what ever. I feel that you both have to sit down and get your feelings in the air.. if he does not care to do it then he is not much to be with or if you do sit down and have the conversation and he keeps snuffing your ideas then maybe you need to think about another separation.
 

TwinMomma16

Junior Member
Nov 22, 2017
5
0
0
#7
I am wondering if he has already checked out of the marriage but is waiting maybe on the holidays to be over before he really checks out. If you are trying and making an effort to show him you care and he is just running you over for it chances are he is not interested in fixing things. Either that or he is very much a narcissist.. Sit down and have a conversation with him the only way people can either work things out or not is too put everything on the table and talk about it.. Ask him why he is being a pain when you try to show him you care. Ask him if he is even interested in being with you anymore. Ask him if has is cheating or what ever. I feel that you both have to sit down and get your feelings in the air.. if he does not care to do it then he is not much to be with or if you do sit down and have the conversation and he keeps snuffing your ideas then maybe you need to think about another separation.


I really pray he's not completely checked out of our marriage. I know I'm not the perfect wife and I have a temper and can be a cranky jerk, but I always thought that your husband was someone who could handle you at your worst and still love you. Maybe I was at my worst for too long and he just got tired of it. It's just so frustrating because I fell like after a decade together we shouldn't be having these issues. I'm just at a loss. And just so weary over it. I want to fight for my marriage, but if he won't fight for us too what hope do we have?
 

Whackado

Junior Member
Sep 7, 2017
25
3
0
#8
Children change the dynamics of a marriage. I'm not picking on men or women here, but men tend to get a little jealous of your time that was once solely his. Your time and attention is now split with your children. Women have the tendency to spend more time with their children bc... well they are children and they need you, but as women, we sometimes forget that our husbands need us as well. My husband and I went through a similar thing when our daughter was about 2. He was getting snippy and resentful. I would keep praying that God reveal and bless your marriage and pray for peace in your home. Pray for him at night while he sleeps. Talk to him and ask him what he needs you to do. It's sounds like he will probably be snippy, but tell him how you want your marriage to be. Ask him what he wants. Men sometimes have conflicting pressures. They have the pressure of being the provider and not only providing for you and him, but now 2 boys. That's a lot of pressure, especially when you own your own business and things are dependent on a single individual to "make it or break it." It is also not uncommon for a spouse who is the sole breadwinner to feel like the his/her spouse has it easy and this spurs extra resentment, even though I am sure that life is not a cake walk for stay at home parents. I couldn't do it for sure. I will pray for you and your family. Give God the glory and give him the praise in advance for restoring your marriage.
 

Dan58

Senior Member
Nov 13, 2013
1,817
107
63
#9
But just a few weeks ago my husband tells me he's not happy, and doesn't feel like he's loved and that I only have negative things to say.
Sounds like he's making excuses and blaming you for him being unhappy, i.e; I'm not happy and its your fault. Or he might be over-worked and is getting crabby. Everyone feels unloved and unappreciated at times, that's real life, and its something every adult needs to come to terms with. I'd forget about the little notes and staying positive, and go with the lashing out and telling him to grow up. Ask the poor baby what he wants and what he expects.. I doubt he'll be able to give you a straight answer though... Its not you, its him... jmo
 

dave_in_KWC

Senior Member
May 21, 2014
110
3
18
#10
I agree with Dan58. TwinMomma16 you have a husband who is likely very tired and shut down emotionally. 80 hours/week is a very significant burden. It sounds like he is overwhelmed and not sharing it with you/others or not that self-aware to know what is going on with himself. He may very well have "looked to other "cisterns"" and gotten involved with some sort of carnal way of coping with the overload I imagine he's feeling. Have you asked him if he is walking in unconfessed sin?

Your marriage needs help, but ultimately he needs to ask for help, himself. The answer for him isn't giving up on you and your marriage, it is sorting out his priorities (less work hours or another job would be top on my list, likely) and growing more mature emotionally and spiritually.

I think he needs mature married Christian men that will walk with him as he sorts himself out. And above all else, he needs to come back to his "First Love": Jesus (not you).

The situation you describe is not hopeless, but if he won't ask for help or resubmit himself back to God and repent of his sin and show the fruit of repentance, you are likely going to need some expert (and possibly professional) support yourself. In the mean time you need Godly support yourself as you learn to assess and discern what is going on with him and how to best relate to your husband - don't try to "go it alone"? Getting the Christian Marriage Counsellor to meet with both of you may also be a place to start.

Please let us know how things proceed.
 
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D

Depleted

Guest
#11
Hello all,
I'm new here and am in desperate need of some advice. My husband and I have been married for over 11 years now and have beautiful twin boys. We've had our share of marriage problems over the years, we were even seperated back in 2010 but with help from a Christian counselor we were able to repair our marriage and these past 7 years (I thought) have been great. But just a few weeks ago my husband tells me he's not happy, and doesn't feel like he's loved and that I only have negative things to say. I was completely shocked. I mean, life has gotten super busy. He works 80+hrs a week and I'm a full time mom to our 20month old boys. But just because we're busy doesn't mean I don't love and aprecitate all that he does! I'm not the best at expressing my feelings and I have always been a "Glass half full" kinda person but that's something he's always known about me.
So know that he's told me this I've been trying to monitor myself and trying to show him I love him with little notes and making certain foods only he likes and trying to be more positive, and in return he tells me it's not enough or in one of the notes he scribbled over nice things I said and made snide remarks. For someone who has a hard enough time expressing myself, that just felt like a slap in the face. I just feel so discouraged and sad. How do I make someone feel loved when in return all I get back is negativity? How do I stay positive when I just want to lash out and tell him to grow up?
I don't want a divorce, I want our children to grow up in a happy home with love all around them. But how after 11 years do you fall back in love with your spouse? I love him and we work well together, but apparently we're not IN love with each other..
When he told you what he's feeling, what happened next? As in what did you say, and then what did he say to what you said, and then when you had time to mull this over, what did you say when you brought it up again?
 
D

Depleted

Guest
#12
I like the little notes thing that you do. My wife and I started doing that about a year ago and it has made a difference.

From your post I can tell that you are being sensitive to the needs of your husband. You are right in that there is a difference to being in love and loving the person. Everyday life can bog you down and drain you and eventually the being in love feeling disappears. It's possible to get the feeling back and more than once in a marriage.

I believe that his workload is sucking the life out of him and he has insufficient energy left to give back to you in a positive way. Does he have to work all of those hours to make ends meet? Regardless, God can provide an answer.

I know that you're both very busy but if your not doing so already I highly recommend daily prayer, bible reading and devotion together, or at least find the time to do so as often as you can.

Hopefully, you will find comfort, support and understanding from the members of this site. Glad to have you join us. Welcome to CC.
Funny how different people take something like notes. I'd hate it. Not my personality. I'm more action oriented.

And I'm not saying you're wrong or she's wrong. It's more about knowing our spouses on if it's a good idea.
 
D

Depleted

Guest
#13
I really pray he's not completely checked out of our marriage. I know I'm not the perfect wife and I have a temper and can be a cranky jerk, but I always thought that your husband was someone who could handle you at your worst and still love you. Maybe I was at my worst for too long and he just got tired of it. It's just so frustrating because I fell like after a decade together we shouldn't be having these issues. I'm just at a loss. And just so weary over it. I want to fight for my marriage, but if he won't fight for us too what hope do we have?
If you think about it, he's proving he has a temper and can be a cranky jerk too. So, really? Do you think you should handle him at his worst and just accept it? If it's not working for you, why would you think he should do better than you're doing?

That's why I asked what happened after he dropped that bomb onto you. I see two people up to their eyeballs in gators, who forgot the task was to drain the swamp together.
 
D

Depleted

Guest
#14
I agree with Dan58. TwinMomma16 you have a husband who is likely very tired and shut down emotionally. 80 hours/week is a very significant burden. It sounds like he is overwhelmed and not sharing it with you/others or not that self-aware to know what is going on with himself. He may very well have "looked to other "cisterns"" and gotten involved with some sort of carnal way of coping with the overload I imagine he's feeling. Have you asked him if he is walking in unconfessed sin?

Your marriage needs help, but ultimately he needs to ask for help, himself. The answer for him isn't giving up on you and your marriage, it is sorting out his priorities (less work hours or another job would be top on my list, likely) and growing more mature emotionally and spiritually.

I think he needs mature married Christian men that will walk with him as he sorts himself out. And above all else, he needs to come back to his "First Love": Jesus (not you).

The situation you describe is not hopeless, but if he won't ask for help or resubmit himself back to God and repent of his sin and show the fruit of repentance, you are likely going to need some expert (and possibly professional) support yourself. In the mean time you need Godly support yourself as you learn to assess and discern what is going on with him and how to best relate to your husband - don't try to "go it alone"? Getting the Christian Marriage Counsellor to meet with both of you may also be a place to start.

Please let us know how things proceed.
Dave, I ask this of you because I know you've been exhausted by business obligations too, along with a different kind of family issues to go along with that exhausted feeling. Do you think it would help if TwinDahdah (TwinMomma's hubby), hired someone to help him? A business-helper, and I'm thinking management more than secretary.

I remember burning the candle at both ends when I started my business, and I neglected hubby. I can't imagine what it would be like to do the same thing and neglect wife and children. I remember longing for the days when I had enough work to afford the help, (but, instead, I became disabled, so it didn't work for a different reason.) That said, I have some concept of being nervous hiring someone, because, really? Things were looking good that week, but I had no idea what would happen next week. I can easily see doing 80 hours of work myself (80 hours was a good week lol), rather than hiring, for fear I'd let the hired down if I had to let her go.
 

Angela53510

Senior Member
Jan 24, 2011
9,944
768
113
#15
I would also finger the 80 hour work weeks. As a woman, I do not understand why he is working 2 full time jobs, and you are working half a job?

Because, I am a mom to 4 kids. I had lots of pre-schoolers at the same time, but I always pretty much worked, except right after childbirth. It gave us the extra money we needed, without my husband being driven to an early grave. I did all the housework, shopping, laundry, took my kids to all kinds of activities, and worked 2 to 3 days a week, until they were in school. Then, I worked full time.

I have housekeepers who come in and spent 1 1/2 hours cleaning my house from top to bottom. Taking care of a house doesn't require that much time! Even with small children. Now, I understand many have a concern about leaving their children with strangers. You do need to get good day care. But sometimes, that can be your husband, while you work evenings and weekends. Or a family member. Be creative. My kids turned out extremely well, with good careers.

Give up the kept woman status, and find a job. I am sure your marriage will improve.

By the way, I have one DIL who is a doctor, and the kids are in daycare. I have one who is a stay at home full time mom. The kids are not dressed, not fed, not disciplined, and now, she has pulled the 5 year old from school, because he is so badly behaved he cannot stay in a regular classroom. Meanwhile, the doctor, who does work long and hard, including lots of on-call shifts, has delightful, well-behaved and well-adjusted children, the 5 year old is in a gifted school.

So, despite all the nonsense put out by Christian family organizations, a stay at home mom does not always result in the best outcome. Especially if your husband breaks and leaves you, and then they don't have a father. I'm not putting you down, but rather the myth that you are doing it for the kids. The kids would be better off in daycare, with 2 parents working than a father who is miserable and hateful in the few hours that he is around, or leaving completely. So tired of this myth, that so many in the evangelical church have bought into.
 
D

Depleted

Guest
#16
I would also finger the 80 hour work weeks. As a woman, I do not understand why he is working 2 full time jobs, and you are working half a job?

Because, I am a mom to 4 kids. I had lots of pre-schoolers at the same time, but I always pretty much worked, except right after childbirth. It gave us the extra money we needed, without my husband being driven to an early grave. I did all the housework, shopping, laundry, took my kids to all kinds of activities, and worked 2 to 3 days a week, until they were in school. Then, I worked full time.

I have housekeepers who come in and spent 1 1/2 hours cleaning my house from top to bottom. Taking care of a house doesn't require that much time! Even with small children. Now, I understand many have a concern about leaving their children with strangers. You do need to get good day care. But sometimes, that can be your husband, while you work evenings and weekends. Or a family member. Be creative. My kids turned out extremely well, with good careers.

Give up the kept woman status, and find a job. I am sure your marriage will improve.

By the way, I have one DIL who is a doctor, and the kids are in daycare. I have one who is a stay at home full time mom. The kids are not dressed, not fed, not disciplined, and now, she has pulled the 5 year old from school, because he is so badly behaved he cannot stay in a regular classroom. Meanwhile, the doctor, who does work long and hard, including lots of on-call shifts, has delightful, well-behaved and well-adjusted children, the 5 year old is in a gifted school.

So, despite all the nonsense put out by Christian family organizations, a stay at home mom does not always result in the best outcome. Especially if your husband breaks and leaves you, and then they don't have a father. I'm not putting you down, but rather the myth that you are doing it for the kids. The kids would be better off in daycare, with 2 parents working than a father who is miserable and hateful in the few hours that he is around, or leaving completely. So tired of this myth, that so many in the evangelical church have bought into.
With the cost of daycare anymore, that IS a fulltime job just to afford it.
 

oldethennew

Senior Member
Feb 28, 2016
7,607
425
83
#17
the reality of God's plans for an 'Holy, unified family', will never happen in our life-time,
unless He and He alone is the very CENTER of both of your lives, and of course,
your modeling together in Him for the children, not to mention, an even distribution
of the never-ending CHORES'...so many times, Godly Priorities come last, or just get
lost in the shuffle of trying to be something other than what He really wants us to be,
or what we think we need to own...

a stay-at-home mother's jobs, never cease, never, which include of course
the jobs that she must do to up-hold and encourage and care for husband,
and all of his needs, which you would have to do, since he is really, almost,
never home.

a husband that works 80hrs. a week, will never have a good marriage
much less an intimate or a happy one...'if there are exceptions, we've never
heard of one...there's just no time for intimate or really positive family times together...

a mother who only wants to be a real-full-time-mother, well, it is virtually
impossible in this day and age, if they have to go it 'alone'...just do the 'math'...

looking back, I would give-up any and all extra worldly activities in order to
try and create a Godly Homelife for all of us, where we could all be happy and in
Godly-unity...

ANGELA is an exception!!!
 

Angela53510

Senior Member
Jan 24, 2011
9,944
768
113
#18
With the cost of daycare anymore, that IS a fulltime job just to afford it.
Which is why I mentioned that she could coordinate her work hours, so the husband was the one babysitting. Or family babysitting. I know several women who have done that.

I was just thinking of my bored, stay at home mom. Back in the day, my dad made enough money she could stay home. She was an extremely intelligent woman, who then had no career when the kids left home. Well, 2 of us. My parents created a child with dependent personality disorder who lives in the basement at the age of 61. My sister is a neurotic depressed mess. I went through hell in my teens, left home at 17 and lived on the street, rather than at home in high school. So much for the myth of having a stay at home mom resulting in solid kids.

Yes, I made it through, and God certainly was a big part of that. But being a stay at home mother is no guarantee of kids who will be happy and well adjusted. There is this Ozzie and Harriet 1950's standard that mom's are being fed. Now, if the husband can work 40 hours a week, and bring home enough money to support the family, well, make your own choice. But, if they husband is literally working 80 hours a week, this marriage is being stressed to the breaking point, all for some James Dobson image on what the modern family looks like, which it in really, it does not, throw out the false tradition, found no where in the Bible. See Prov. 31 if you want to know what a wife and mom did in the Hebrew culture. That should be our model, not 1950's TV shows.

The fact is, unless people are rich these days, a stay at home mom is pushing the husband far beyond what is reasonable. She just needs to step up, and contribute to the finances. And, I maintain both the children and the mom will actually benefit more from being apart a few hours a week, then destroying the husband by burning him out.
 

oldethennew

Senior Member
Feb 28, 2016
7,607
425
83
#19
a good Post Angela,

but we both think that in these last times, if both parents Love and Serve Jesus,
that He will teach them that they 'both' have to man-woman-up in order to
maintain even a resemblance of a Godly-Marriage-family-Unit', in order to place Him
right in the middle of how to manage and keep the sanity, gift of Godly Love and sacrifice
of all involved,.
and wow, does this involve a mountain of 'selfless-non-worldly-loving-sacrifice'..,
 
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Beez

Senior Member
Nov 27, 2017
348
19
0
#20
apparently we're not IN love with each other..
I am not a marriage counselor, but I would ask to look at this phrase that ended your OP.

In the 1970s or so, a counselor said, "Love is a choice," and people started repeating this. Later, books came out with this as a title. I, with others, hardly understood it. But as time went on, I learned that it is true.

We've been married 30 years, and I've had to make loving my husband a choice a few times -- a couple times after feeling not love but hatred. One of those times, in the midst of a blinding hatred for him, I chose love. I chose to treat him with undeserved respect, with care, and with all the things a loving woman would choose, and it all came back to what a marriage should be, with him responding with love-in-action, until we healed.

I had taken a vow before G-D that I would love and cherish him, and I decided to make it true.

Sometimes, this is what happens. I am glad I made that choice.

Love is a choice.
And love is action.