Married Tomboy Christian Issues

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L

Levap

Guest
#1
I don't know if I will find anyone, hopefully *crossing fingers* that can relate. I am in need of encouragement, advice, whatever...

I am almost 30years old, married with 3 kids and one on the way. My husband and I are active in youth ministry and regularly attend church. I have been going through a difficult time because I have always been an introvert( especially with other women), I prefer to stay to myself, I only like to have constructive conversation and meetings. I have been approached recently that I need to find some female accountability, someone that I can "talk to" and confide in... I don't have anyone. I write in a journal if I have a problem, and rarely ever confide in people. I have never got along with women, I do not enjoy girly things, the color pink, decorating, Hallmark holidays, gossips, conversations about how terrible my kids are or how much my husband drives me crazy, where I get my hair done(I don't), I don't enjoy baking or women's groups at church. I have nothing in common with them other than genatalia. Not to say that maybe somewhere there is someone like me, I just haven't found one. When I try to "hang out" ( usually a forced situation) with other women I can never connect to them. I just don't think my brain is wired the same way. I try, don't get me wrong it just always ends up an awkward uncomfortable situation in which I happily retreat to my car when it's all over. I prefer to stay home with my kids, I rarely get away or go in outings... It's just how I am.
But here's the deal. My entire life I've been friends with guys. I play sports, I like camping (even with bugs), I don't mind getting dirty and just enjoying life the girls I meet aren't like that. Now I'm married and it's never been an issue before that I don't have any friends. But that's all I hear from elders and pastors. They want to see me have other married females I can rely on and "pour my heart out to." They say that it's beneficial, spiritually. I am so worn out from feeling like I am being told there is something wrong about who I am. I am not the ideal women because I'm not Betty Crocker, doing crafts with my kids or decorating the house, planning six course meals, longing to go shopping and hanging out with my girl friends.I hate this definition of being a woman. It's terrible. I find it offensive. Alas, there doesn't seem to be anyone remotely like me. So what do I do? I want to be obedient, do the right thing. I know they are telling me this because they care, but it seriously has a way of making me feel degraded.
 
D

Depleted

Guest
#2
I don't know if I will find anyone, hopefully *crossing fingers* that can relate. I am in need of encouragement, advice, whatever...

I am almost 30years old, married with 3 kids and one on the way. My husband and I are active in youth ministry and regularly attend church. I have been going through a difficult time because I have always been an introvert( especially with other women), I prefer to stay to myself, I only like to have constructive conversation and meetings. I have been approached recently that I need to find some female accountability, someone that I can "talk to" and confide in... I don't have anyone. I write in a journal if I have a problem, and rarely ever confide in people. I have never got along with women, I do not enjoy girly things, the color pink, decorating, Hallmark holidays, gossips, conversations about how terrible my kids are or how much my husband drives me crazy, where I get my hair done(I don't), I don't enjoy baking or women's groups at church. I have nothing in common with them other than genatalia. Not to say that maybe somewhere there is someone like me, I just haven't found one. When I try to "hang out" ( usually a forced situation) with other women I can never connect to them. I just don't think my brain is wired the same way. I try, don't get me wrong it just always ends up an awkward uncomfortable situation in which I happily retreat to my car when it's all over. I prefer to stay home with my kids, I rarely get away or go in outings... It's just how I am.
But here's the deal. My entire life I've been friends with guys. I play sports, I like camping (even with bugs), I don't mind getting dirty and just enjoying life the girls I meet aren't like that. Now I'm married and it's never been an issue before that I don't have any friends. But that's all I hear from elders and pastors. They want to see me have other married females I can rely on and "pour my heart out to." They say that it's beneficial, spiritually. I am so worn out from feeling like I am being told there is something wrong about who I am. I am not the ideal women because I'm not Betty Crocker, doing crafts with my kids or decorating the house, planning six course meals, longing to go shopping and hanging out with my girl friends.I hate this definition of being a woman. It's terrible. I find it offensive. Alas, there doesn't seem to be anyone remotely like me. So what do I do? I want to be obedient, do the right thing. I know they are telling me this because they care, but it seriously has a way of making me feel degraded.
I'm 60 years old, STILL hate housework, anything to do with beauty saloons (just noticed the beauty salon I went to when I first moved into the city is out of business now. I bet that's not my fault, but I don't know if it's been closed for 1 or 2 decades either lol, gave up on the barber shop ten years ago after getting a Robocut too), find talking about taking care of the house or kids incredibly boring, (what's wrong with trying to fix the world conversations?), hate bugs with a passion, except they're in my garden and won't give up on doing that because some multi-legged critters give me the heebeegeebees, will only go camping if indoor plumbing is provided in the dwelling -- both shower and toilet, but you can skip the sink, since I'd probably have to wash it anyway -- and think men were born to be chefs and women should stay out of the kitchen, unless negotiations have been made that I clean for a good meal. But I do craft, just not those cutesy Susie Homemaker crafts that have something to do with felt, glue guns and flowers. OR kids.

I also believe kids should belong to someone else, so the only time I want them I can borrow them because they're fun to play with or go on trips with.

So, nope. Not you, and yet I can relate.

So, question for you. If this is all working out so perfectly for you, why did you just join some social network online to talk to strangers not knowing if they were like you or the very people you don't want to be like?

Introverts get drained by being around other people. It's not that we hate other people. Matter of fact, most people who go online to talk to other people are introverts, because we're not against talking -- just against being drained from being around other people. Oddly enough, extroverts get recharged around other people, therefore they like being around other people and think going online is roughly what you and I think of being Susie-homemaker.

Let's face it, Betty Crocker just baked. The women we aren't keen on also like to keep the house just-so, have guest over for high-teas... or is that called "luncheons," because I'd rather clean the toilet than do either, and don't merely go the whole nine-yards to decorate their homes just right. They go the entire distance of the football field. (And they probably don't get those references because they're not into sports. lol) So, Susie-homemaker. Not just Betty Crocker.

AND, you'd know that, if you'd get off your self-appointed perch to soak in a little advice. I hadn't been around a Susie-homemaker for my formative years. You know. Formative years. Those years when you're supposed to be hanging around your mom, aunts, and grandmothers learning how to be a good wife. Those years. I missed them. Might have been because I much preferred roaming swamps with my brother looking for more turtles and snakes for him to collect in his menagerie of over 200 box turtles and 10 black snakes and garter snakes, instead of learning how to reupholster the sofa with Mom and Gram. Alas, it's 50 years later, don't own a single turtle or snake, and really could use new upholstering on the sofa, but I don't know how.

But I did take the advice from my pastor. I did befriend Susie-homemakers. Good stuff and bad stuff came out of the experience. The good stuff was what happens when we obey God's word.

Titus 2:3 Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good,4 and so train the young women to love their husbands and children,5 to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.

That was really good stuff to learn, especially 35 years later into my marriage. (Okay. With today's economy, let's just not pretend women often get the option to work at home anymore.)

The bad stuff? Sadly, despite me wandering off as often as possible to avoid listening to Mom and Gram, some of it sunk in anyway. Ends up, I was the one who already understood what colors I wear reflects whether I look healthy or sick. (I'm an autumn. If I don't wear autumn colors, I look sick. Little problem. I got bored with autumn colors young, because those were the colors Mom picked for me all the time so they were boring. Much to the surprise of the women in that church, I was the only one who understood those principles before spending a very boring day at a seminar teaching that stuff. lol) And, yeah, I do know how to make jam, I just find it easier to buy it at the store. Surprised my mentor to no end, that I ended up teaching her that stuff that day, even though she was supposed to be teaching me. I tried being a listener, but I was taking a few jars home and they would be bad unless done right.


But they were older so really could teach me how to treat hubby right. So I recommend you bite the bullet and do what everyone is suggesting you do. There's just one difference I pass along to you. Don't go after the extraverts, because they'll talk your ear off and drain you by the end of the day. Find the other introverts. The world is 50/50. The only reason you haven't noticed the other introverts is because you're spending too much time noticing the extraverts. (They are fascinating, aren't they?)

This is 2016, not 1981. The Internet is here. Texting is in. Emails are still a thing. Find the crazy old woman in your church dressed up more for camping than for church and who rather text on her phone than talk to a bunch of other people. She's married, her kids might show up occasionally with their kids, and she likes their kids. SHE is your mentor!

They want you to learn about Titus 2 stuff and that's a good idea. They're extroverts, so have no idea there are introverts or what introverts are, so work around that and find your own introvert. That way you get uplifted -- recharged -- instead of drained with this new relationship.

I suspect you just think all women are Susie-homemakers, because we introvert older women don't make waves around Susie-homemakers. And then we go home and go online to talk to other introverts. BUT we did learn how to love our hubbies (and kids, if we ever had any.) And we did learn about how to deal with some of the harder times in marriage, so, yeah, you want one on your side. Just don't be surprised if the woman you choose doesn't think she's up for the task. We come from a generation where we thought everyone but us was an extravert.

Oh, and if you think you know all you need to know for marriage, let me clue you in on something. Things are going pretty well for you right now, right? (Assumption made, because poor people don't call that camping. They cal it "home.") What changes in your life if your hubby broke his back at work today?

Sounds horrible, right? Yeah, been there and it changed everything. (And that one is a mere post script in our lives now.) You want a friend for that day when something goes terribly wrong. Those Susie-homemakers I've been laughing at? They're the ones who helped us through that crisis. They taught me what the marriage manual doesn't include. I may laugh at their homing instincts, because they're different than mine, but thank God I was willing to go through all that -- including a full day of what colors look good on you, because when the chips were done, they had already taught me how to play the hand we were dealt -- through God.

(I'm an introvert. I like talking, just let me do it online where I don't have to BE with you to talk. lol)
 

cinder

Senior Member
Mar 26, 2014
4,327
2,358
113
#3
I don't know if I will find anyone, hopefully *crossing fingers* that can relate. I am in need of encouragement, advice, whatever...

I am almost 30years old, married with 3 kids and one on the way. My husband and I are active in youth ministry and regularly attend church. I have been going through a difficult time because I have always been an introvert( especially with other women), I prefer to stay to myself, I only like to have constructive conversation and meetings. I have been approached recently that I need to find some female accountability, someone that I can "talk to" and confide in... I don't have anyone. I write in a journal if I have a problem, and rarely ever confide in people. I have never got along with women, I do not enjoy girly things, the color pink, decorating, Hallmark holidays, gossips, conversations about how terrible my kids are or how much my husband drives me crazy, where I get my hair done(I don't), I don't enjoy baking or women's groups at church. I have nothing in common with them other than genatalia. Not to say that maybe somewhere there is someone like me, I just haven't found one. When I try to "hang out" ( usually a forced situation) with other women I can never connect to them. I just don't think my brain is wired the same way. I try, don't get me wrong it just always ends up an awkward uncomfortable situation in which I happily retreat to my car when it's all over. I prefer to stay home with my kids, I rarely get away or go in outings... It's just how I am.
But here's the deal. My entire life I've been friends with guys. I play sports, I like camping (even with bugs), I don't mind getting dirty and just enjoying life the girls I meet aren't like that. Now I'm married and it's never been an issue before that I don't have any friends. But that's all I hear from elders and pastors. They want to see me have other married females I can rely on and "pour my heart out to." They say that it's beneficial, spiritually. I am so worn out from feeling like I am being told there is something wrong about who I am. I am not the ideal women because I'm not Betty Crocker, doing crafts with my kids or decorating the house, planning six course meals, longing to go shopping and hanging out with my girl friends.I hate this definition of being a woman. It's terrible. I find it offensive. Alas, there doesn't seem to be anyone remotely like me. So what do I do? I want to be obedient, do the right thing. I know they are telling me this because they care, but it seriously has a way of making me feel degraded.
Yay, another introverted not so girly girl Christian lady. Yes you have company; yes we do exist; and yes, we usually have to fight against cultural preferences being pushed on us as the only Biblical way just for the right to be ourselves. I'm single in my 30's (and that's a whole nother struggle with church expectations) but if I were in your position, here are some of the strategies I'd use to get people off my back.

1) Especially if I had an awesome husband and a great relationship with him, tell them that my husband is my accountability partner and we share our struggles with each other. As such I see no need to develop a specific female accountability partner.

2) Basically tell them that my time and relational energy already have enough demands that I am not able to interview a bunch of women as potential besties. Then give them a list of the type of woman I would like to connect with (or just several of my hobbies / interests) and tell them I would try to make time to meet with a specific lady that they would recommend as being a good fit for me (but make them do the hunting as they probably know (or have the network to discover) the ladies in the church better than I do anyway).

3) Tell them point blank that I appreciate their concern for me, but that such a relationship is not one that I feel the need of or see as valuable. They are welcome to try to convince me of why it would be good for me personally, but ultimately they can accept me and my service as is and get off my back or I will help them fulfill their perfect church leaders image by stepping down and focusing on ministries elsewhere.

In all fairness, I would probably be a bit nicer in real life than my advice sounds. I too am just fed up of being told what my preferences and needs should be. Now I will say Lynn has a very good point that as a couple and as individuals you need to have some close friends in real life to support you when life gets tough (or when you just want to talk to another adult instead of one of your children), but most of my go to people are online and that's okay, especially for those of us who have personalities that tend to congregate online (and as I have the rarest type of personality for a female, well I really don't meet very many women like me).
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
41,243
16,252
113
69
Tennessee
#4
There is nothing wrong with being the person that you are. You seem well balanced to me. It is best to leave the 'pouring your heart out to' your husband. Welcome to CC.
 

JimJimmers

Senior Member
Apr 26, 2012
2,584
70
48
#5
I don't know if I will find anyone, hopefully *crossing fingers* that can relate. I am in need of encouragement, advice, whatever...

I am almost 30years old, married with 3 kids and one on the way. My husband and I are active in youth ministry and regularly attend church. I have been going through a difficult time because I have always been an introvert( especially with other women), I prefer to stay to myself, I only like to have constructive conversation and meetings. I have been approached recently that I need to find some female accountability, someone that I can "talk to" and confide in... I don't have anyone. I write in a journal if I have a problem, and rarely ever confide in people. I have never got along with women, I do not enjoy girly things, the color pink, decorating, Hallmark holidays, gossips, conversations about how terrible my kids are or how much my husband drives me crazy, where I get my hair done(I don't), I don't enjoy baking or women's groups at church. I have nothing in common with them other than genatalia. Not to say that maybe somewhere there is someone like me, I just haven't found one. When I try to "hang out" ( usually a forced situation) with other women I can never connect to them. I just don't think my brain is wired the same way. I try, don't get me wrong it just always ends up an awkward uncomfortable situation in which I happily retreat to my car when it's all over. I prefer to stay home with my kids, I rarely get away or go in outings... It's just how I am.
But here's the deal. My entire life I've been friends with guys. I play sports, I like camping (even with bugs), I don't mind getting dirty and just enjoying life the girls I meet aren't like that. Now I'm married and it's never been an issue before that I don't have any friends. But that's all I hear from elders and pastors. They want to see me have other married females I can rely on and "pour my heart out to." They say that it's beneficial, spiritually. I am so worn out from feeling like I am being told there is something wrong about who I am. I am not the ideal women because I'm not Betty Crocker, doing crafts with my kids or decorating the house, planning six course meals, longing to go shopping and hanging out with my girl friends.I hate this definition of being a woman. It's terrible. I find it offensive. Alas, there doesn't seem to be anyone remotely like me. So what do I do? I want to be obedient, do the right thing. I know they are telling me this because they care, but it seriously has a way of making me feel degraded.

I am introverted as well. I see your points, and I don't think you "need" to have an accountability partner to pour your heart out to, but this issue seems to go deeper.

I am sure your children will want someone to play with when they are older, and you'll have to make at least a cursory amount of small talk with their moms. It seems to be a sort of necessary evil in today's society.

I am glad you came for advice, you said you almost never do, and you just journal if you have a problem. It almost seems ironic that you came for advice and encouragement over a problem such as this. Is there maybe something deeper going on that makes you dislike women? I can't shake that feeling, because I know from my life how diverse people are, and there are many women who love sports and hate decorating the house. Gossip is always wrong, but I dunno. If a man made a broad generalization that women gossip, I would think him sexist.

Regardless of that, I firmly believe The Bible when it says the wife is the husband's first ministry. I assume you go to him for advice and encouragement, which is beneficial spiritually according to the Bible. I can't recall anything that says you must find a woman to go to also. Good advice comes from many sources, but if the pastor trusts you enough to help teach the youth I don't see why (s)he insists you find a woman as well.
 

melita916

Senior Member
Aug 12, 2011
10,415
2,659
113
#6
i'm an introvert.

i'm not girly.

:D
 
L

Levap

Guest
#7
I'm 60 years old, STILL hate housework, anything to do with beauty saloons (just noticed the beauty salon I went to when I first moved into the city is out of business now. I bet that's not my fault, but I don't know if it's been closed for 1 or 2 decades either lol, gave up on the barber shop ten years ago after getting a Robocut too), find talking about taking care of the house or kids incredibly boring, (what's wrong with trying to fix the world conversations?), hate bugs with a passion, except they're in my garden and won't give up on doing that because some multi-legged critters give me the heebeegeebees, will only go camping if indoor plumbing is provided in the dwelling -- both shower and toilet, but you can skip the sink, since I'd probably have to wash it anyway -- and think men were born to be chefs and women should stay out of the kitchen, unless negotiations have been made that I clean for a good meal. But I do craft, just not those cutesy Susie Homemaker crafts that have something to do with felt, glue guns and flowers. OR kids.

I also believe kids should belong to someone else, so the only time I want them I can borrow them because they're fun to play with or go on trips with.

So, nope. Not you, and yet I can relate.

"So, question for you. If this is all working out so perfectly for you, why did you just join some social network online to talk to strangers not knowing if they were like you or the very people you don't want to be like?"

Well like I said I've had no issues until recently and only because the elders at my church keep asking me who my female friends are and telling me that they highly recommend I have a close relationship with other women, that it's "good for" me and they want to see that I have more friends at church. They are pushing me to have female friends. I wouldn't even think it was a problem except they are making it out to be. So that's what I am questioning. I'm here because I have issues relating to other women and I like straight to the point conversation (mainly why I get along with men so well), I don't like small talk, just tell me what I need to do and give me biblical reasoning so that I can do it. I prefer to talk to people with the same mentality, women aren't usually this way. I certainly am not going to walk around my church asking this same question to random people... because I'm an introvert. If other women find satisfaction in those girly things, good for them! I don't care. I do care, however, when I am being told in some fashion that there is something wrong with me because I don't join the majority of women who do. I don't really care if people on the internet like me, I just want honest feedback from other Christians. This is why I am not going to Yahoo answers or something like that.

Introverts get drained by being around other people. It's not that we hate other people. Matter of fact, most people who go online to talk to other people are introverts, because we're not against talking -- just against being drained from being around other people. Oddly enough, extroverts get recharged around other people, therefore they like being around other people and think going online is roughly what you and I think of being Susie-homemaker.
I totally get what you're saying here. :)

"Let's face it, Betty Crocker just baked. The women we aren't keen on also like to keep the house just-so, have guest over for high-teas... or is that called "luncheons," because I'd rather clean the toilet than do either, and don't merely go the whole nine-yards to decorate their homes just right. They go the entire distance of the football field. (And they probably don't get those references because they're not into sports. lol) So, Susie-homemaker. Not just Betty Crocker"
I apologize my use of Betty Crocker wasn't contextually correct, correction noted. My point was the general idea, I'm not here to argue semantics.

"AND, you'd know that, if you'd get off your self-appointed perch to soak in a little advice. I hadn't been around a Susie-homemaker for my formative years. You know. Formative years. Those years when you're supposed to be hanging around your mom, aunts, and grandmothers learning how to be a good wife. Those years. I missed them. Might have been because I much preferred roaming swamps with my brother looking for more turtles and snakes for him to collect in his menagerie of over 200 box turtles and 10 black snakes and garter snakes, instead of learning how to reupholster the sofa with Mom and Gram. Alas, it's 50 years later, don't own a single turtle or snake, and really could use new upholstering on the sofa, but I don't know how."'
I am not entirely sure what you are referring to here? I would know what, exactly the use of Susie homemaker? What perch am I on that I need to get off of? The one where I am asking for advice?

But I did take the advice from my pastor. I did befriend Susie-homemakers. Good stuff and bad stuff came out of the experience. The good stuff was what happens when we obey God's word.
So from what I understand, in your opinion, I need to fake like I'm overly interested in other women's ideas and what their ideas of womanhood is like to befriend them so that I can benefit from whatever it is they have to offer? Is there a Bible verse "If you are a woman you should make cheesy crafts with your kids, spend your time dedicated to frivolous tasks because this is what the Lord commands." I take care of my home, just not the way our culture sees taking care of a home, I don't coddle my children, I teach them to be responsible, I teach them God's word, I am responsible with the things I own, including the upkeep of my house, I teach my children the things they are going to need to survive in this world, I just cut out the shopping sprees, every girl loves shoes, doing make-up, the sobbing because"my husband didn't ask me how my day was" stuff, I don't plan things like valentines day parties for my kids or spend an outrageous amount of money on their birthday parties-things that I personally see as frivolous. I need to fake like I'm interested in their lives and befriend them just because they can teach me things? It seems dishonest to me, almost like lying about who who I am or what I enjoy. I cannot pretend to like someone just for the benefits they may have. Why do I have to be a friend to learn things from them? I will happily teach people who are not my friends when they ask, because I like helping people. I can learn from people I do not confide in by going to workshops or taking a class, what does this have to do with friendship? Maybe we are on different tracks, I am speaking of being close friends with another female not learning things from them. I can learn how to do many things by myself too. I read books, I have fixed many things using youtube, DIY or a good old-fashioned library.

Titus 2:3 Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good,4 and so train the young women to love their husbands and children,5 to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled. Great verse!
:)

That was really good stuff to learn, especially 35 years later into my marriage. (Okay. With today's economy, let's just not pretend women often get the option to work at home anymore.)

The bad stuff? Sadly, despite me wandering off as often as possible to avoid listening to Mom and Gram, some of it sunk in anyway. Ends up, I was the one who already understood what colors I wear reflects whether I look healthy or sick. (I'm an autumn. If I don't wear autumn colors, I look sick. Little problem. I got bored with autumn colors young, because those were the colors Mom picked for me all the time so they were boring. Much to the surprise of the women in that church, I was the only one who understood those principles before spending a very boring day at a seminar teaching that stuff. lol) And, yeah, I do know how to make jam, I just find it easier to buy it at the store. Surprised my mentor to no end, that I ended up teaching her that stuff that day, even though she was supposed to be teaching me. I tried being a listener, but I was taking a few jars home and they would be bad unless done right.


But they were older so really could teach me how to treat hubby right. So I recommend you bite the bullet and do what everyone is suggesting you do. There's just one difference I pass along to you. Don't go after the extraverts, because they'll talk your ear off and drain you by the end of the day. Find the other introverts. The world is 50/50. The only reason you haven't noticed the other introverts is because you're spending too much time noticing the extraverts. (They are fascinating, aren't they?So your recommendation is that I force myself to be around the women, girly functions and what not until I find that one woman?

This is 2016, not 1981. The Internet is here. Texting is in. Emails are still a thing. Find the crazy old woman in your church dressed up more for camping than for church and who rather text on her phone than talk to a bunch of other people. She's married, her kids might show up occasionally with their kids, and she likes their kids. SHE is your mentor!

They want you to learn about Titus 2 stuff and that's a good idea. They're extroverts, so have no idea there are introverts or what introverts are, so work around that and find your own introvert. That way you get uplifted -- recharged -- instead of drained with this new relationship
True story! haha So what do I just approach random women and say are you an introvert,because I am, want to be friends?... that seems counter intuitive for my level of introvertness lol

I suspect you just think all women are Susie-homemakers, because we introvert older women don't make waves around Susie-homemakers. And then we go home and go online to talk to other introverts. BUT we did learn how to love our hubbies (and kids, if we ever had any.) And we did learn about how to deal with some of the harder times in marriage, so, yeah, you want one on your side. Just don't be surprised if the woman you choose doesn't think she's up for the task. We come from a generation where we thought everyone but us was an extravert.

Oh, and if you think you know all you need to know for marriage, let me clue you in on something. Things are going pretty well for you right now, right? (Assumption made, because poor people don't call that camping. They cal it "home.") What changes in your life if your hubby broke his back at work today?

Sounds horrible, right? Yeah, been there and it changed everything. (And that one is a mere post script in our lives now.) You want a friend for that day when something goes terribly wrong. Those Susie-homemakers I've been laughing at? They're the ones who helped us through that crisis. They taught me what the marriage manual doesn't include. I may laugh at their homing instincts, because they're different than mine, but thank God I was willing to go through all that -- including a full day of what colors look good on you, because when the chips were done, they had already taught me how to play the hand we were dealt -- through Godc
Well I'm certainly glad you found someone to help you through the/this difficult time. Sounds terrible I am sorry for what you've been through. I will pray for you and your husband. I have been through some very difficult times, too. It's in those terrible ordeals that God's light shines the brightest. Things are going okay for me right now, but God's grace is sufficient for me. I have family that I talked to and where they didn't fill the void I found that it was because I was trying to make them fill the gap that only Jesus could.
(I'm an introvert. I like talking, just let me do it online where I don't have to BE with you to talk. lol)
I appreciate your reply! God Bless!
 
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Levap

Guest
#8
Awesome! I'm not alone :)
 
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Ultimatum77

Guest
#9
Don't let anyone force you into a society driven mold especially busybody pastors who like to meddle in others affairs! Be yourself.....also be very careful about this so called "pour your heart out to other women" junk.....some church women love to gossip and will weaponize anything you tell them against you.....it's best to take it to God and your husband first rather than some women who don't really know you and you don't know you can trust....
 
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Tinuviel

Guest
#10
All I can say is that you sound like an older version of me :) (well, maybe you're a BIT less girly...but basically, I could see myself in the same situation).

Is your husband unhappy with the way you are? Are your kids complaining? Is there a problem? Do you let things fester because you don't have an outlet? If the answers are "no", what is the problem?

At a guess, your pastors/elders don't exactly understand...like many people don't quite understand introverts. They see you withdrawn, and they think "this girl needs a mentor/confidant."

Every person is unique and special. However, ONE thing my mom taught me: Just because you'd rather be at home, just because you don't like girly things, just because it drains you to be among people, this is NO excuse to be rude. She's taught me to think about others when I'm out of the home. Sure, it's draining, but it's the right thing to do. :)

God bless you, dear sister!
 
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Levap

Guest
#11
I am so glad there is someone else like me. You have a lot of good points, I totally get what you're saying... Say the truth but in love, right? I like the idea of putting the responsibility on them for finding the friend for me...I had never thought of that before. :) Your advice was greatly appreciated! Thanks sister!
 
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Levap

Guest
#12
I have always been afraid of that Ultimatum77. I grew up in a small town where the church was the center of gossip. Especially being one of the elder's kids, there was always someone talking about me or my family. It is a shame. Smh
 
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Mooky

Guest
#13
To the OP; I totally hear you.I hope that if you do proceed to find female friends, that you will be on the same page.Having a female friend can be very rewarding but it doesn't have to be boring, gossipy or starchy.
I suggest you pray about this situation and see where God leads you.IMO pastors can and often do get things wrong....no matter how well intentioned they may be.:)
 
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EarnestQ

Senior Member
Apr 28, 2016
2,588
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#14
I would like to disagree with some of the things that were said. I would like to, but I can't because I agree with all of them.

I can only add one more thing... find some hobby, activity, club, sport, or what-not that gets you out of the house and involved with people who enjoy doing something you like doing.

It may take a few different tries to find the activity and group of people you fit with, but so what. No matter what you try, you will be expanding your world.

(At the very least, take a book, or computer, to a local coffee shop and just hang out.) (I don't know why I suggested this. It just seemed like a good idea.)
 

santuzza

Senior Member
Feb 12, 2013
1,609
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#15
Hi,

I can completely relate with your post. Although I'm not an introvert (I consider myself a reserved extrovert!), I also relate much better to men than women. I have no female accountability partner -- as someone else said, my hubby is my accountability partner -- and it works out wonderfully. He and I are very, very close.

I have always gotten along better with men -- I have a lot of their same qualities -- My brain just works like a guy's -- I like baseball, engineering, football, construction, business, etc. (Feminists out there, please do not throw stones at me -- we all know that men and women are different!)

I have a story to tell from my last church. I was talking with the head of the children's education about teaching the kids a song (I'm a professional church musician). I told this woman I would step into Children's Church for a few weeks to teach them the song. She asked me if I just wanted to teach the entire hour, but I told her that was not my thing (I don't have kids), that I wasn't gifted there. She just laughed and said that once I started it, I'd love it. How presumptuous of her! How dare her to decide how I'm gifted! It was really rather annoying! Just because I'm a woman, I'm supposed to love teaching kids???? No, I don't think so. These stereotypes are really pervasive in the church, and it's really hard on women who don't fit the mold.

Don't let the turkeys get you down -- be who you are!
 

cinder

Senior Member
Mar 26, 2014
4,327
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#16
I am so glad there is someone else like me. You have a lot of good points, I totally get what you're saying... Say the truth but in love, right? I like the idea of putting the responsibility on them for finding the friend for me...I had never thought of that before. :) Your advice was greatly appreciated! Thanks sister!
New user tip: the reply with quote button helps people know which particular post you are replying to. Helps all of us keep from misunderstandings which sadly can escalate quickly around here.
 
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Depleted

Guest
#17
Yay, another introverted not so girly girl Christian lady. Yes you have company; yes we do exist; and yes, we usually have to fight against cultural preferences being pushed on us as the only Biblical way just for the right to be ourselves. I'm single in my 30's (and that's a whole nother struggle with church expectations) but if I were in your position, here are some of the strategies I'd use to get people off my back.

1) Especially if I had an awesome husband and a great relationship with him, tell them that my husband is my accountability partner and we share our struggles with each other. As such I see no need to develop a specific female accountability partner.

2) Basically tell them that my time and relational energy already have enough demands that I am not able to interview a bunch of women as potential besties. Then give them a list of the type of woman I would like to connect with (or just several of my hobbies / interests) and tell them I would try to make time to meet with a specific lady that they would recommend as being a good fit for me (but make them do the hunting as they probably know (or have the network to discover) the ladies in the church better than I do anyway).

3) Tell them point blank that I appreciate their concern for me, but that such a relationship is not one that I feel the need of or see as valuable. They are welcome to try to convince me of why it would be good for me personally, but ultimately they can accept me and my service as is and get off my back or I will help them fulfill their perfect church leaders image by stepping down and focusing on ministries elsewhere.

In all fairness, I would probably be a bit nicer in real life than my advice sounds. I too am just fed up of being told what my preferences and needs should be. Now I will say Lynn has a very good point that as a couple and as individuals you need to have some close friends in real life to support you when life gets tough (or when you just want to talk to another adult instead of one of your children), but most of my go to people are online and that's okay, especially for those of us who have personalities that tend to congregate online (and as I have the rarest type of personality for a female, well I really don't meet very many women like me).
You're single AND in your 30's? Oh my. Let me fix you up with...


LOL

I remember getting that so much in my early 20's. It must be even worse later. My mentor/best friend, (who became my matron-of-honor) was so busy trying to fix me up with her BIL, she never got that I was dating her BIL's best friend, until a week later when we were engaged. (I've always been unconventional. lol) And I met him simply because BIL and I were never meant to be dating. We were meant to be, and became, great friends.

An adult and single in a church. Whoa! I really feel for you. Have you met anyone who doesn't feel a need to try to "fix you up with?"

One thing that taught me -- never ever do that to anyone, any age, and single. I truly enjoyed being single. Thought I would be for life. Actually hoped it. And the only thing that changed that was God. I wasn't broken, so there was no reason to "fix me up." (Which my poor mentor/best friend/matron-of-honor learned more than once the hard way. I do feel bad for her. She worked so hard at making me a prim-and-proper lady in the church. I just don't do prim-and-proper. Nor lady for that matter. lol)

My heart does go out for you. Not because you're single, but because so many people think they have to "fix that." Besides -- mid 30's. You're at a great age with enough experience to be the mentor for the women just leaving home and out on their own for the first time. I suspect you should be mentor, not mentee.

I've already told my weaknesses as Susie-homemaker. When I first moved in an apartment all by myself, I was 22 and had absolutely no idea on how to work bank accounts, checks, budgets, who to trust to come into my apartment, and who not to. AND, I blew out my electricty four times before it dawned on me that maybe I should learn how to wire a lamp before I DID wire a lamp.

If you have any abilities, and the patience behind it, to mentor others, I strongly suspect teaching women how to live on their own would be a great, and much needed, ministry. Not just for those of us who decide to take on projects requiring electricity, but because my sister, who is single and in her 30's keeps freaking because she's not married. Marriage isn't a requirement. Capable on our own is.
 
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Depleted

Guest
#18
i'm an introvert.

i'm not girly.

:D
But you wear skirts sometimes. LOL

(This is just an ongoing joke. Not to be taken at all seriously, but I really do think Melita is a good example of a woman in Christ.)
 
Apr 22, 2016
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#19
While I can see where you are coming from I can also see that Lynn has some valuable advice. I especially liked her posting the scripture. You are still very young considering and well it wont hurt anything for you to learn to do more things for your sake and the sake of your kids. I know many men who cook better than I do so its not a gender specific thing anymore. And personally, while I do not really care for the mindless chatter of some women I do like to talk with women about womanly things.I like my nails to look pretty although I wont pay to get them done. I learned and do them myself. I like my hair professionally cut and styled. Everyone needs to be pampered and be good to themselves sometimes. I think God created women to be feminine and present themselves as women. If God intended women to act and look like men he would have made them men. Just my two cents worth.
On the other hand, I can do more handy man stuff than most men. There are times when I am a big mess because I am knee deep in a project that usually men do. I dont mind doing the "mens" work but I also do like to doll myself up and step out on the town looking like a beautiful woman. I like camping but Im more into glamping these days:)

I like to fish .I like my expensive pure perfume oils but I dont pay what most do. I found it for really cheap. But, I like my power tools. I think diversity is what makes people interesting.

Im not not much into spectator sports because I think theres too much money involed and I do not want any part of it! Besides, watching men dressed up in their garb running around a field is not my idea of fun:)

But I will watch every so often to be sociable..
I think the lady at church is right. You need to step out and step up to experience new things. It certainly wont kill ya. You may find that your personality will blossom into someone you never knew God intended. Balance and always learning is never a bad thing. We have to stretch to grow. Growing pains are sometimes painful but necessary. Just do it! The women you hang out from time to time will learn from you as well. Take them camping or suggest a womens retreat in the outdoors.

Take them fishing. Bring a coleman stove with an oven(I used to have one.My kids have it now) . Let some gal teach you to bake a cake in the oven . Sounds like fun to me! Together we are the body of Christ. God doesnt intend you to be a lone saint. STRETCH!

Blessings:)
 
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kaylagrl

Guest
#20
I don't know if I will find anyone, hopefully *crossing fingers* that can relate. I am in need of encouragement, advice, whatever...

I am almost 30years old, married with 3 kids and one on the way. My husband and I are active in youth ministry and regularly attend church. I have been going through a difficult time because I have always been an introvert( especially with other women), I prefer to stay to myself, I only like to have constructive conversation and meetings. I have been approached recently that I need to find some female accountability, someone that I can "talk to" and confide in... I don't have anyone. I write in a journal if I have a problem, and rarely ever confide in people. I have never got along with women, I do not enjoy girly things, the color pink, decorating, Hallmark holidays, gossips, conversations about how terrible my kids are or how much my husband drives me crazy, where I get my hair done(I don't), I don't enjoy baking or women's groups at church. I have nothing in common with them other than genatalia. Not to say that maybe somewhere there is someone like me, I just haven't found one. When I try to "hang out" ( usually a forced situation) with other women I can never connect to them. I just don't think my brain is wired the same way. I try, don't get me wrong it just always ends up an awkward uncomfortable situation in which I happily retreat to my car when it's all over. I prefer to stay home with my kids, I rarely get away or go in outings... It's just how I am.
But here's the deal. My entire life I've been friends with guys. I play sports, I like camping (even with bugs), I don't mind getting dirty and just enjoying life the girls I meet aren't like that. Now I'm married and it's never been an issue before that I don't have any friends. But that's all I hear from elders and pastors. They want to see me have other married females I can rely on and "pour my heart out to." They say that it's beneficial, spiritually. I am so worn out from feeling like I am being told there is something wrong about who I am. I am not the ideal women because I'm not Betty Crocker, doing crafts with my kids or decorating the house, planning six course meals, longing to go shopping and hanging out with my girl friends.I hate this definition of being a woman. It's terrible. I find it offensive. Alas, there doesn't seem to be anyone remotely like me. So what do I do? I want to be obedient, do the right thing. I know they are telling me this because they care, but it seriously has a way of making me feel degraded.

Ive never felt that I related to other women either. I never baked or cooked until I got married. I wasn't even sure I could. So there are a lot of women that are like you. But all that aside, whoever is telling you you need someone to "pour your heart out too".is giving you bad advice. Its very hard to find a person you can trust to tell private things to. The only woman I trust is my own mother. Very unwise to share private things with other people.