I’m a father of four children, 13yrs-20yrs old. Is it completely “normal” for them to be selfish and lazy? They aren’t bad kids, just self centred. From parents on the other side of these trying adolescent years I ask, is there a turning point? At a time I think they should be able and independently motivated, it seems the only one who is doing more is me. Of course many will suggest just stop doing more and I have. They lose their electronics and privileges, but nothing seems to steer them in a favourable direction. I don’t know if my expectations are too high or this is just normal teenage stuff and I need to bide my time until I can kick them out of the nest. Thanks for advice letting me vent.
Nearing the Breaking Point
- Thread starter Hungry
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Ridiculously hard time to be a parent, or a child.
Yes this teen rebellion stuff has always gone on, but is is incredibly acute today, for many reasons.
This is the first generation in history where generally speaking, teens are more technologically advanced than their parents. All this knowledge without wisdom, gives them the illusion they are more intelligent, and know better than their parents.
On top of that is a vast online social network, media, Hollywood, government, and educational establishment that in many ways reinforce this belief.
Fathers especially are almost always portrayed as bungling buffoons in ads and movies.
I would say that parents must be united, and consistent in decisions and punishments made. I always say a variation of
"we only ever have your best interests at heart, and if we didn't, we could care a less what you do or don't do, when you come home, how you act. Your mom and I can just go off and have fun not caring. Is that how you want us to act?"
Deep down they know they need discipline. I think by the early to mid 20s they look back and realize you really DID have their best interests at heart. Hang in there brother!
Yes this teen rebellion stuff has always gone on, but is is incredibly acute today, for many reasons.
This is the first generation in history where generally speaking, teens are more technologically advanced than their parents. All this knowledge without wisdom, gives them the illusion they are more intelligent, and know better than their parents.
On top of that is a vast online social network, media, Hollywood, government, and educational establishment that in many ways reinforce this belief.
Fathers especially are almost always portrayed as bungling buffoons in ads and movies.
I would say that parents must be united, and consistent in decisions and punishments made. I always say a variation of
"we only ever have your best interests at heart, and if we didn't, we could care a less what you do or don't do, when you come home, how you act. Your mom and I can just go off and have fun not caring. Is that how you want us to act?"
Deep down they know they need discipline. I think by the early to mid 20s they look back and realize you really DID have their best interests at heart. Hang in there brother!
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First of all, a 20 year old is NOT a teenager. He or she should already BE "out of the nest".. Get tough with them, tell them they MUST get a job of some sort so they can start learning how to budget and pay bills, etc.. As for the younger ones, do they do chores, and if so, do they get paid for them? I would flat out tell them to stop being lazy butts and get off their bums and do something constructive. Tell them if they slack off now, they'll grow up to be useless adults who bum off everyone. No one likes a lazy butt bum.
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The 20 yr old has two part time jobs while paying her way through university. She’s not lazy...just selfish. The others are busy with sports but when they get home they just want to relax and be waited on. The level of entitlement is ridiculous. If we handed them everything I would understand their expectation. We don’t, so they just like to cause friction when we force them to do for themselves. Instead of just doing their responsibilities they prefer the hard route. It just goes against natural conditioning methods.
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I think at that age it’s just hard to see the world outside of your own needs and desires. It sounds like as parents you’re doing your part. Be encouraged that these are challenges all parents face. Be thankfully you have 2 parents to shoulder the load. Lead by example and prayer, be consistent as mentioned prior and be stern but graceful and your kids will certainly recognize that at some point. The world is a challenging place to navigate through especially in those years; adjusting to hormones, more responsibility, peer pressures of all sorts and all other things that are part of growing up.
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It's hard to give a straight answer with so many variables possible. Some kids are just naturally a certain way, not because of age, but because of personality.
When i was a teen i knew one guy that did what he wanted with no regard for how it may affect his parents. Yet i also knew a girl who vented some honest frustrations, to me in private, about her mother, then felt guilty for talking bad about her mom at all.
As mentioned above outside sources such as school, social media, tv, etc... can all play a role as well. We are, after all, in a time when many younger people are viewed as having an entitled attitude, so it may be tied in to what's going on in their world.
Maybe they all have selfish personalities, or influences that encourage it. Some may grow out of it as it's less their personality and more their immaturity and hormones, others may not because it's who they are.
At the end of the day, kids are a risk. You can do everything right but they may still choose the opposite. All you can do is your best, and as long as you do that then the rest falls on them, not you.
When i was a teen i knew one guy that did what he wanted with no regard for how it may affect his parents. Yet i also knew a girl who vented some honest frustrations, to me in private, about her mother, then felt guilty for talking bad about her mom at all.
As mentioned above outside sources such as school, social media, tv, etc... can all play a role as well. We are, after all, in a time when many younger people are viewed as having an entitled attitude, so it may be tied in to what's going on in their world.
Maybe they all have selfish personalities, or influences that encourage it. Some may grow out of it as it's less their personality and more their immaturity and hormones, others may not because it's who they are.
At the end of the day, kids are a risk. You can do everything right but they may still choose the opposite. All you can do is your best, and as long as you do that then the rest falls on them, not you.
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I know you’re right, but I’d be willing to believe a lie that eventually all teens grow out of this phase, and become caring, responsible adults. I’m sure I wasn’t a perfect son, but I was almost completely independent from the time I was 10. Perhaps my childhood skewed my expectations for my children. This quote I would find more humorous if I was the son rather than the father: "When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years."--Mark Twain
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Hungry... if you haven't yet, read Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. Once you've read it (and your wife has as well... you need to be united) then sit down with her and prayerfully frame the boundaries you will set in place, and what the consequences are for breaching them. Then sit down with kids and explain reality to them. Finally, enforce the boundaries. That final step is critical! 
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L
My buddy did a cool thing with one of his. All privileges were attached to them handling their business. I mean no privileges at all. If business wasn't handled he could sit and read a book in the living room. When he missed a football game because he failed to do his chores, and the coach broke bad on him for missing a game it got the boys attention.
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I know exactly what you mean... and very recently too, i have been to some parent talk on understanding and communicating with our teens. The day after, and the week after, as i tried to recall and apply some of the principles taught, i 'flunked.' But i am not giving up, and will try again, by God's grace. It's something like we've established some communication patterns w/ them, that we kind of have to change, we're told. Not that we're bad parents, or they bad as you said too. But many times i ask when will they stop being selfish or lazy? What i really want to know is why, but for now i am figuring out. The good thing is they have an older bro, who i thought was like that too, but now is a very responsible, caring older bro=))). so let us not grow weary while doing good, hungry, for in due season we shall reap... if we dont lose heart.
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One of the worst things a parent can do is to spoil their children. Not that your children are spoiled, but just saying no to any 'extras' they enjoy is a good starting point and even though this is hard, if they don't deserve them don't give them extra things you pay for. Assuming you are married, the combined prayers over your children (quoting specific Scriptures helps) will do wonders bc God does not lie. 'If two of you agree on anything they ask, it shall b done for them, by my Father in Heaven' Mt 18:19. God bless you all.
so sorry to hear of you problems - just a note from past experience, it seems as though you all missed
the crucial part of rearing - we learned from experience and from loads of other's experiences, if you don't
get it right in the beginning, then you all will reap what you've sown - but, there is always Holy Hope,
never give up if you know that you have at least planted 'some' of Jesus' Holy Seeds...
the crucial part of rearing - we learned from experience and from loads of other's experiences, if you don't
get it right in the beginning, then you all will reap what you've sown - but, there is always Holy Hope,
never give up if you know that you have at least planted 'some' of Jesus' Holy Seeds...
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