Need advice

[chachita]

Need advice. We are experiencing financial hardship as many other people are these days. However, it has become very overwhelming with my husband. He does not understand the meaning of 0 money. He get really upset and throws temper tantrums. It has alway been like this. Now however, it magnified more as we are older now, broke and sick. I am tired of been seen as the nagging wife. How can I change this and have him be in the same page with me. Desperately seeking help.

 

[ariannaaa]

wow chachita what a difficult situation! im so sorry for your hardship.

i think that would be difficult, wanting a husband to change his behavior while maintaining respect and obedience towards him..
i think first and foremost you need to let him know that you respect him, trust his discernment, and appreciate all he does for the income of your household [you may already be doing this, and he may not do much for it but its good to remind him that you appreciate what he has done ].

secondly, i think an idea you could use is approaching it as though its your fault, believe me- im not saying it is at all.. but coming to him from a point of humility may be very effective. for instance if he spends to much money eating out you could say "im sorry honey have i not been cooking what you like usually? please tell me what you're in the mood for and ill make it this week. " or whatever he may be spending too much money on.. thats just an example. i know some people may see that as crazy, since you haven't done anything wrong.. but its like it says in 1 Peter, we are to win our husband's hearts with our conduct and submission just how a soft answer turns away wrath.. the more loving you are the less likely he will be to resist fixing whats burdening you.

thirdly, have you heard of Dave Ramsey? He is a christian financial advisor, he offers classes, has books, and speaks at churches around the country. you might suggest listening to him as a preacher before an advisor.. approaching the situation from the standpoint of wanting to share something you enjoy with your husband, rather than lecturing him. this may help you feel like your not nagging, but rather just sharing something as a couple .

i know i am not married and am young, so this may not be the best advice, but i hope that it helps and i hope that everything works out. i will keep you and your husband in my prayers for sure!

 

[SamIam]

okay no no and no to arianaaaas advice.... You are not a door mat... and are not to act as such... Sometimes its good to fight...especially when your fighting for your marriage... You need to tell him... Stop spending all our money... show him your bank account statments that show you literally have NO money... If he wants to throw a temper tantrum let him... but you should not let him get away with spending money you do not have, nor should you act at all as its your fault.. there are ways to be humble without letting someone step all over you and taking the blame for everything... Pray that god will change his attitude toward this. Sounds like your husband has alot of growing up to do.

 

[andrew4]

Chachita. I hear you and my heart is with you. I pray the Lord bring healing and peace to your household. I am sorry to hear about your difficulties in your marriage. The wife should be treated as a queen by their husbands.All in humility and love. Remember that the Lord is always with you, through the good and the bad. Take comfort in our Lord's promise,"And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away." By the way, I'm struck by Ariana's response, what a pure, clean, and humble heart she must have. Chachita, know that you are not alone, you have a Christian family that loves you.
May the Peace of Our Lord be with You.

 

[carpetmanswife]

okay no no and no to arianaaaas advice.... You are not a door mat... and are not to act as such... Sometimes its good to fight...especially when your fighting for your marriage... You need to tell him... Stop spending all our money... show him your bank account statments that show you literally have NO money... If he wants to throw a temper tantrum let him... but you should not let him get away with spending money you do not have, nor should you act at all as its your fault.. there are ways to be humble without letting someone step all over you and taking the blame for everything... Pray that god will change his attitude toward this. Sounds like your husband has alot of growing up to do.

* throws hands in the air* I GIVE UP!! i think i may leave forums forever , ppl are gonna think im insane
*whispers* i think your right again

 

[SamIam]

* throws hands in the air* I GIVE UP!! i think i may leave forums forever , ppl are gonna think im insane
*whispers* i think your right again

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA hahahah i knew you would eventually start seeing things my way!!!!

 

[Z-e-N]

okay no no and no to arianaaaas advice.... You are not a door mat... and are not to act as such... Sometimes its good to fight...especially when your fighting for your marriage... You need to tell him... Stop spending all our money... show him your bank account statments that show you literally have NO money... If he wants to throw a temper tantrum let him... but you should not let him get away with spending money you do not have, nor should you act at all as its your fault.. there are ways to be humble without letting someone step all over you and taking the blame for everything... Pray that god will change his attitude toward this. Sounds like your husband has alot of growing up to do.

Every post I've read you're nothing but a white knight dude. How can you tell her to act like that when you don't even know her husband? You do realize that there are guys out there with standards, self respect and expectations, right? Don't tell her to go all alpha on her husband if her husband is alpha. Do you know what that would lead to? The end of the relationship. I wouldn't have my wife tell me to show her my bank account statements. Maybe it's because I don't have trust issues like you do? Maybe it's because i'm not a beta male white knight? Maybe because i'd be the financial supporter? I dont know, it could be anything. But telling her to not trust her husband is the worst advice I have ever heard anyone give in my life. It's like you're purposely trying to end her marriage.

OP: If you don't want to see your marriage crumble I would follow Arianna's advice and ignore whatever samiam says now and from here on out.

 

[SamIam]

Okay so i have nooo idea what a white knight is (and no i dont need you to explain it to me) LOL and also... you may disagree with what i said...but ohh well, thats you.

 

[chelsers]

Ephesians 5:22 "Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord."

Ephesians 5:25 "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it."

Proverbs 31:11 "The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil."

To me, this creates a complementary relationship. A man defers to his wife where he is weak, a woman defers to her husband where she is weak. If your husband is spending money you don't have, you have every right to confront him about it in a loving respectful way just as he should, rather than throwing a temper tantrum, be loving back to you.

I agree with Sam (and his advice as well) that women are not to be door mats. I think the "submit to your husband" passage gets twisted and it, in conjunction with Eve's sin, has left us with years and years (and continuing today in varying degrees around the world) of women being treated as if they are less than, which is not the case.

Talk to your husband about the situation in a loving manner. If he gets angry, he gets angry. Try not to, but we're humans and I don't blame you if you get frustrated. You can only control yourself though and how you react.

Zen, the bank account statements wouldn't be just yours, they'd be both of yours. It doesn't sound like she's not trusting her husband, it sounds like he's spending money they don't have.

 

[Z-e-N]

Okay so i have nooo idea what a white knight is (and no i dont need you to explain it to me) LOL and also... you may disagree with what i said...but ohh well, thats you.

I think there's a reason why you're divorced....but oh well, THAT'S me....



Chels, you contradict yourself in your own advice:

Ephesians 5:22 "Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord."

I agree with Sam (and his advice as well)

Very much contradicting going on here.

Talk to your husband about the situation in a loving manner.

Yes, this is the idea. But the way that samiam says to talk to her husband would only cause conflict.

Zen, the bank account statements wouldn't be just yours, they'd be both of yours.

Since i'm going to be the provider, the bank account statements will be just mine. That's just the way it's going to be.

It doesn't sound like she's not trusting her husband, it sounds like he's spending money they don't have.

This sounds like mistrust to me. She should trust that he is doing everything in his power as the provider to be making the right decisions.

 

[SamIam]

im sorry, i guess i didnt realize you were perfect........ and you have no idea why im divorced, so you should keep your mouth shut....

 

[SamIam]

i need some advice.................... how much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood and some more wood has wood in the woods???

 

[Sharp]

I think there's a reason why you're divorced....but oh well, THAT'S me....

Hey buddy, that's a really bad call and you should be ashamed of yourself.

You are free to disagree with the advice people give but don't attack them personally based on the advice they give, that's just not on OK.

Saying stuff like "there's a reason why you're divorced" and accusing someone of having trust issues is stepping over the line, and you owe Sam an apology.

 

[chelsers]

I think there's a reason why you're divorced....but oh well, THAT'S me....



Chels, you contradict yourself in your own advice:





Very much contradicting going on here.



Yes, this is the idea. But the way that samiam says to talk to her husband would only cause conflict.



Since i'm going to be the provider, the bank account statements will be just mine. That's just the way it's going to be.


This sounds like mistrust to me. She should trust that he is doing everything in his power as the provider to be making the right decisions.

Zen, you missed the part where I said that men and women are complementary and you skipped over the verse that says men love their wives as Jesus loved the Church.

Just because you're the "provider" doesn't mean the money is yours. If she's running the house, then odds are good she's dealing with the finances. I know my mom runs the finances.

By the way Zen, I hope that you can learn with time to not be so prideful and a lot more loving.

 

[Z-e-N]

You are free to disagree with the advice people give but don't attack them personally based on the advice they give, that's just not on OK.

Saying stuff like "there's a reason why you're divorced" and accusing someone of having trust issues is stepping over the line, and you owe Sam an apology.

samiam attacked me personally in pm so you have no idea what you're talking about. And telling someone it's okay to voice their opinion and then saying it's not okay to voice their opinion is about as hypocritical as you can get.

Just because you're the "provider" doesn't mean the money is yours. If she's running the house, then odds are good she's dealing with the finances. I know my mom runs the finances.

That is not how it will be in my household.

By the way Zen, I hope that you can learn with time to not be so prideful and a lot more loving.

Why are you even judging me? It's not your place.

“Do not judge, or you too will be judged” (Matthew 7:1).

 

[Z-e-N]

im sorry, i guess i didnt realize you were perfect........ and you have no idea why im divorced, so you should keep your mouth shut....

If you have a problem with my opinion, you are obviously on the wrong part of the internet. Don't expect to critisize someone's advice and think that no one should critisize yours just because you're sensitive.

 

[Sharp]

There's a big difference between voicing your opinion about something and insulting them. If you don't understand that, you should. And if you're going to quote verses from the bible about judgement, don't say things like "there's a reason you're divorced", because that is clearly judgement. You don't know Sam and you have no right to make these kinds of comments about a person's personal life.

 

[chelsers]

If he “attacked” you in pm, it should have stayed in pm.

Zen, judging and rebuking are two different things. What you said to Sam was judging, what I said to you was rebuking.

Luke 17:3 - If your brother sins, rebuke him

Ephesians 5:11 - Do not have fellowship with sin, but reprove it.

If that’s how your household will be, what will your wife be “allowed” to do? You are called to love your wife as Christ loved the Church Zen, remember that.
[FONT=&quot]
Job 40:12 [/FONT]
Look at every proud man and humble him, crush the wicked where they stand.

 

[SamIam]

If you have a problem with my opinion, you are obviously on the wrong part of the internet. Don't expect to critisize someone's advice and think that no one should critisize yours just because you're sensitive.

im not sensitive. Im just sayin you dont know why im divorced so making judgments about it... is totally off

 

[SamIam]

and i never attacked you in pm... so you might not wanna lie about that. i asked that you NOT attack me and if you have something wrong with something i have to say, that you should message me about it. Thats all i said.