not sure I still love my husband. ..

[anonyme]

I have been married for 14 years and we have 5 kids. In that time we have been through a lot, mostly him lying and hiding stuff. It's not an abusive relationship, but the feeling really isn't there. There was one time I slapped him and he slapped me back. I know it's cliché, but it won't happen again. I can't really move on from that you know?

We are rarely intimate. Yesterday he was showing me a video on YouTube and I saw that his recommendations were all sex stuff. He tried to deny he had been watching stuff like that but I know how youtube works! I'm not sure what makes me madder, that he was looking, or that he straight up lied.

Then this morning he calls and acts like nothing happened and starts talking g about our anniversary next week, which I don't care about.

I want to get closer to him, but I keep my heart at a distance to keep it safe. Every time I start to let down my defenses I find something he is hiding, or he acts in an unloving way so the wall goes back up.

I would love to get the insight of another man, maybe there's something I am missing.
I guess I am not very loving either.

I just wish things were different. I asked for counseling, but he said we don't have time for that. He has time to train for a marathon though!

I am 32. I can't imagine spending the rest of my life like this...

I am sorry that this was all over the place.

 

[maxwel]

Are you both Christians?

Do you have a church where you are both members?

 

[blue_ladybug]

anonyme, I'm gonna give you my honest take on this. It sounds like neither of you are really still into this marriage, NOR in love with each other. HE is thinking of things such as sex tapes and marathon training, which should be a red flag to you as to where and what his top priorities are.

He has refused counseling, is lying and hiding stuff. He has slapped you (and yes it WILL happen again someday because they all say it'll never happen again UNTIL THE NEXT TIME).. It sounds like the two of you have different priorities--he obviously is a sex addict, and you're unsure of your love for him. Which is understandable, given his actions toward you and his marriage. Personally, I would NOT put up with his horse pucky. Put your foot down, tell him he needs to step up, get help for his addiction, and be the husband that you fell in love with. If not, then turn him over to God, and leave him. Maybe that will bring him to his senses, maybe not. Either way, at least you've tried.

 

[anonyme]

Maxwel, yes (although to various degrees) and yes to church

Blue ladybug tempting, but I have no income. No way to support me and the kids.

 

[blue_ladybug]

Maxwel, yes (although to various degrees) and yes to church

Blue ladybug tempting, but I have no income. No way to support me and the kids.

​Set some boundaries for him then. Give him conditions..no more lying, hiding stuff, and no more sex tapes.. Set up a counseling appointment and don't let him wiggle out of going to it.

 

[maxwel]

Maxwel, yes (although to various degrees) and yes to church

Blue ladybug tempting, but I have no income. No way to support me and the kids.

You two need to start with marital counseling.

If he won't go with you, then go see your pastor by yourself.
You need pastoral counsel from a real pastor... someone who knows your family and can actually help.

 

[anonyme]

I would like to do that. I don't think he will go. He can't stand the thought of anyone knowing his private business. I will see.

 

[blue_ladybug]

I would like to do that. I don't think he will go. He can't stand the thought of anyone knowing his private business. I will see.

​Him being embarassed of his behavior is not your problem. That's on him, and he needs to man up and own it.. he created this mess, make him do something about it.

 

[notuptome]

Let me state the obvious. Neither of you are in a right relationship with the Lord. Neither of you have your priorities correct. It simply doesn't matter if you are not in romantic love as you have responsibilities for five children and their eternal welfare. Simply it's not about you and it's not about him. It is about what you have created together in the five kids. You have some significant sacrifices to make for the kids. Sex tapes and marathons are distractions that must be put out. Nothing is going to get right until you get right with God. This is why everybody is going to suggest counseling. Make time now or you might be visiting your kids in jail or in the hospital.

For the cause of Christ
Roger

 

[Jimbone]

anonyme, I'm gonna give you my honest take on this. It sounds like neither of you are really still into this marriage, NOR in love with each other. HE is thinking of things such as sex tapes and marathon training, which should be a red flag to you as to where and what his top priorities are.

He has refused counseling, is lying and hiding stuff. He has slapped you (and yes it WILL happen again someday because they all say it'll never happen again UNTIL THE NEXT TIME).. It sounds like the two of you have different priorities--he obviously is a sex addict, and you're unsure of your love for him. Which is understandable, given his actions toward you and his marriage. Personally, I would NOT put up with his horse pucky. Put your foot down, tell him he needs to step up, get help for his addiction, and be the husband that you fell in love with. If not, then turn him over to God, and leave him. Maybe that will bring him to his senses, maybe not. Either way, at least you've tried.

The whole "He has slapped you (and yes it WILL happen again someday because they all say it'll never happen again UNTIL THE NEXT TIME)" thing I don't agree with. First off she said she slapped him first, and when it comes to this topic it's always assumed the woman didn't do anything to cause it. Sorry but if ANYONE hits me in the face they may get hit before it even has time to register and for me to think about it first. I have ALWAYS been one of those "men NEVER have an excuse to hit a woman" guys, but now I'm not. My wife and I have been together for 17 years and just a couple years ago I slapped her for the first and only time ever. It happened when she was screaming in my face "hit me, hit me" and it was like I was watching my hand in slow motion come up and across her face. This hurt me worse than it hurt her, and I always HATED men that would lay hands on a woman and in a moment I became one of them. She actually was like "I deserved it, and it's ok" way before I could even look her in the eye's again. I still feel the shame from that, and rightly so, but she did ask for it literally. And getting hit has always caused me to act before I thought. So maybe she felt she help caused and asked for it as well. Now I honestly believe you should take it by a case by case basis, and the woman has just as much responsibility to act civil as a guy does to keep his hands to himself. So just because she was slapped BACK, doesn't mean he will abuse her again. In this case she hit FIRST see, and said he never hit her until she hit first. Maybe he should leave her cold like you were suggesting.

 

[presidente]

I don't agree with the taking a 'put your foot down' attitude toward the man, like some posters have suggested. It sounds like things are tense enough between you as it is. I Peter 3 says for wives to submit to their husbands, so that, if any do not obey the word, they can be won through their wive's lifestyle. He tells wives to wear the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit and to follow the example of Sarah who submitted to Abraham by obeying him and calling him lord.

I can't give him advice because he isn't here, but I can give you advice. You need to make sure your attitude toward him is submissive. Another area to work on is in Ephesians 5 where it tells wives to respect/reverence/fear their husbands. It is important that you treat him with respect.

Why did the intimacy die down? Do you just not bring it up? If that's the case, it may be because you don't get along well. If he doesn't feel respected or doesn't feel loved-- if you are grumpy towards him or cold-- he may not care to ask. If he's looking at porn, that's a bad thing and he needs to repent. But if you are the one who has shut him off sexually (turning him down when he asks because you aren't 'in the mood' instead of getting yourself in the mood, etc.), then in that case you would be opening a door for temptation for him.

I suggest you take proactive steps for stirring up good things in your marriage. When he comes home, don't just keep working in the kitchen or on the computer. Stand up, go to the door. Hug him. Kiss him for a long time. Smile. Ask him if he'd like to sit down while you bring him a cold drink. Treat him with honor. Cook him a meal he likes. Hug him several times throughout the day. Treat him like you are a newlywed couple.

Spend some time talking to him telling him how much you appreciate things he does. It could be getting up early and going to work, fixing the car and hanging the blinds. Whatever.

If he doesn't initiate sex, you do it.

Make it a habit of talking to him in a kind, loving manner and say loving things. Never speak harshly or scold. If there is something he does that you don't like, tell him about it in a gentle and respectful way. Don't boss him around. Make suggestions with meekness. In your words and actions, indicate that you respect him as the leader of the home. If you have children, don't criticize him in front of the children and be positive about your husband in front of others.

In the meantime, pray that the Lord will renew your love for him. If you treat him like I've described, he may treat you well, also. That may also stir up some feelings for her and you can get on a good cycle where you are showing each other love and enjoying the marriage.

Lots of men don't like sitting around and talking about problems. It's bad enough you have the problem, but to have to talk about the details is even worse. Women like to sit around talking about their problems. Then when it comes to marriage counseling, the man may think not only is his wife going to talk about all the marriage problems, but do it in front of someone else and try to get him to join the wife in getting on his case. Or he may think the marriage is cool. His wife just needs to get over her grumpy attitude where she thinks everything is a problem and marriage counseling is just an expense and a waste of time.

Marriage counseling is a cure-all. I read an article about the lack of evidence that counseling saves marriages. You'd have to go to a counselor whose goal is to save marriages rather than one where everyone's 'emotional health' is the goal even if that means breaking up families. I knew a marriage counselor who dumped his wife for a woman with a similar name and the same number of kids. I certainly believe she was faithful to him. She was a great person. I don't see why he did it. If he goes for counseling, you want to get one with good character.

If he doesn't want to go to counseling, that doesn't give you any right to divorce him or treat him like dirt. There are other things you guys can do besides counseling. You could also find some Christian friends you can talk about marriage issues with without calling it 'counseling' or get him involved in a men's group. My wife and I took a marriage Sunday School class because we want to deepen our marriage, and also because we wanted to be better equipped to minister to others.

If he's a believer, you might suggest he pray with you every day or night and you study the Bible together. Then tell him how much you appreciate it when he takes spiritual leadership in the home. You could suggest he do devotions with the children if there are any, and/or lead devotions as a family. You need some prayer time to pray through some of these marriate issues.

 

[presidente]

The whole "He has slapped you (and yes it WILL happen again someday because they all say it'll never happen again UNTIL THE NEXT TIME)" thing I don't agree with.

I didn't like that comment either. I don't think men should slap their wives in the face. But our culture is totally messed up if they don't see it's just as bad for a wife to slap her husband in the face. Not only is she slapping someone in the face, but it's her husband and that's rebellious and unsubmissive. If a wife is to submit to her husband as unto the Lord.... well, she wouldn't slap Jesus in the face would she? If the husband is serving as a minister of the Lord by being her husband, even if he doesn't always do the best job, she still shouldn't slap him. It's a lack of reverence/respect as well. In our culture, it's particularly bad because she hits him with impunity and if he hits her back then he's a monster. So he is programmed to believe he can't respond which puts a man in a difficult position if the wife is violent.

Some of the Feminists have this philosophy that once a man is an abuser, he is always an abuser. Or that once a man does something violent, he will always do something violent. I was listening to a video that read through findings of studies, and there are a number of households where the man only does something violent after the woman in the household (sometimes a girlfriend) has been repeatedly violent. He finally snaps and slaps her and she calls the cops and he goes to jail. If she hits him and he calls the cops, he could also go to jail. There is a definite bias in our society.

If they hit each other in the past and forgave each other, leave it alone. If he lied in the past and repented of it, leave it alone. She shouldn't dig up the past and use that as an excuse for 'putting your foot down' against someone she is supposed to be in submission to.

 

[breno785au]

Presidente, your post is spot on, laying down rules and expectations on a person and threatening to leave is not the way to make things better. It is immature and exceedingly selfish. Women need to learn how to be there for their men, how to walk with them through their darkest moments, their hardest issues and stop making themselves a victim, same goes for men towards women.
If the guy is talking anniversary, there is still something there that makes him want his wife, and it seems the OP has just as much as issues as the husband, if not more. And problem with people coming onto a forum and laying out their problems is they usually tend to be one sided, so its incredibly hard to give accurate advice. Obviously communication issues are number one here, spouses should be able to speak about any issue that troubles them, at least learning how to do so, if OP had been doing that, we wouldn't be here. Get some counselling and love your husband well. No one promised happy joy times all the time, its when we persevere through the hard times in a marriage, is what make a happy marriage. I should know, I'm married myself
I wish OP all the best.

 

[Jimbone]

I agree, but it makes it even more complicated when/if he isnot saved yet. I know I was NOT a good husband or father before He saved me, Ididn't know how to be. I wasn't exactly someone my wife would want to submit toall the time before He showed me how to uphold my role. It can all be socomplicated or so very simple depending on how you look at it. I sure hopenobody took my comment as me condoning men hitting women. Heck it took a lotfor me to put my own mistakes in a public forum as I am still so ashamed of myactions, but the point was the fault is not always just on the men alone, eventhough society frames it that way. I agree with you completely, only I wouldjust like to add that the men the women need to submit to have a lot ofresponsibility to uphold in their role as well to make that submission evenwork in unison.

 

[psychomom]

anonyme, just responding to the thread title...

love...it's complicated, or we have made it so.
we think of it primarily as a feeling, when God's Word tells us it's a choice we make.
just as God chose to love us when we were completely unlovable,
so we who are in Christ can do for others.

and often...when the actions of love are performed...the feeling comes.

i don't want to downplay the fact you're suffering.
but when i look back on my own marriage, there surely were times i was tempted
to chuck it, and i'd guess my husband was, too.
but we have six children, and so we didn't...and i'm so, so glad we didn't.

i'm praying you will not just forgive your husband for striking you, but allow the
thought to go from your memory...in time.
my husband almost struck me once...and i am sad to say i initiated it by my
own angry words. to this day i thank God he has the reflexes of an athlete.
he saw the fear in my face and withdrew his hand.

i hope your takeaway from what the guys have said is men so need the respect of their wives.
i imagine he may deal with all sorts of disrespect in the workplace...
sometimes men get so beat up at work, etc...they really need to be respected at home.
even if it's something small you can find to compliment him on at first, please do it?

i'm not trying to hammer you (and i imagine you might be feeling a bit beat up by now).
your husband clearly has things he needs to work on, but you're here.
if your husband were here, i'd be saying very different things.

~ellie

 

[NewWine]

Hi there, First I am so sorry you two are having these issues.
can't speak on what he's done or does, because it wouldn't be fair of me to "gossip" about him with him not being here. All I can do is offer you an option that helped me when my husband and I went through a rough time. It was dark in our house for a LONG time. Longer than it needed to be, to be honest. I kept praying that God would restore my marriage, change the way he sees me and give me back my husband. Nothing changed, and I felt desperate and alone. Then one day I decided to change things up a bit in my marriage prayers, and instead I asked God to change the way I SAW HIM. I continued this for a while and things started to really change. I started to see the pain behind his anger, the love in his actions and slowly I was able to feel the choices I had made when I chose to love him. I started to feel the romantic love I felt at first, and he started seeing the ways I was showing him love again. I hadn't stopped trying to show him love ever, but when one is angry and hurt, it becomes difficult to see through that.

You can't change him. Nagging, arguing and anger won't make things better. Leaving WILL NOT make things better. Give your marriage to God, and let God make the changes in BOTH of you that are needed to repair things. In the mean time, focus on rebuilding your relationship with God. Getting closer to God will often times be enough to make him want the peace you're finding, making him want to change and grow his relationship with God. If not, then if nothing else, getting closer to God and focusing on making your walk line up with God's will make you a better wife, a better mother, a better employee, friend....just a better person.

God will fill any gaps you have left from your marriage while it's being repaired (and even after). God will fill you with renewed love for your husband, and renewed hope for your marriage. Rely on this to carry you through.

Peace!

 

[anonyme]

Thank you so much for all of your replies. I'm sure you are correct in that I am not perfect. I can be a pretty controlling and selfish person. And when I am hurt I find it impossible to show love.

He makes comments about sex often, but his comments turn me off. They are more crude than romantic or sensual.

I will think and pray about your comments. I deeply appreciate the time you have all taken in responding.

 

[rosesandwine]

Try to reach out to him. As the saying goes, if it's broken, fix it. Give yourself a deadline. Talk to him, through persuasion, conviction or in any other ways that'll let yourself be heard. Tell him the consequences of what he's doing. Tell him the pain that he's causing. Ask him what he feels is lacking. Do everything- for a certain period of time. 6 months, 1 year, it's definitely up to you. Work hard giving your all to save your marriage and give yourself and your husband the time to change and improve yourselves. It will be painful, but whether you've won or lost the battle at the end of it you can say that you've did your best and that in itself is already an achievement - no regrets! Best of luck hon.

 

[Angela53510]

I was going to also say to you, that love is not a feeling, it is a life long commitment!

But then you brought up the pornography and the marathons, and my attitude changed. This man is selfish, but he is also addicted. He has made it clear he does not want to change. Pornography is a serious addiction, and it will change the brain, so he literally cannot enjoy sex with his wife. No wonder he doesn't want counseling, with a "private" habit like porn!

If he will not go to counseling, you do need to get it for yourself. I would also suggest you should read Boundaries, and Boundaries in Marriage, by John Townsend and Henry Cloud. I would also recommend A Cry for Justice, by Jeff Crippen. The first two books are about setting realistic boundaries with you, others and especially your spouse. The last is a very detailed account of what abuse in marriage, especially a Christian marriage look like. If you say you are "controlling" is it because he has robbed you of your personhood or just a personality trait that you need to work on getting rid of?

Finally, the simplistic approach some have used in this thread, of putting the blame all on the woman, for not being "submissive" is very wrong. I am sure that while you have a lot of growing to do in your walk with Christ, which will improve your marriage, a man who is totally out of God's will for marriage can have the blame placed directly at his feet. I just know too many women who have bent over backwards to be the perfect submissive wife, and have been abused even more for their trouble, if the man is an abuser! You cannot change your husband, only God can do that.

As for the slapping of faces, try and find better ways to get rid of your rage. You admit you started this and hopefully you can forgive each other for this violence against the person you are supposed to love.

My advice is to start reading the Bible daily. Use a modern version, and try and read a few chapters each day. The gospels are great, Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. Then the rest of the New Testament. I would also read from the Psalms each day, as they are so human, but in the end, all but one chapter glorify God. (Stay away from Psalm 88)

Pray for God to change you, into his image, not the image of some man-made ideal of a woman. Ephesians 5, is mostly about how the husband is suppose to treat his wife. The bulk of the last section really deals the husband. Three verses on the woman's responsiblity in the marriage, and nine verses on how the man is supposed to treat his wife!

Anyway, praying for you to find some hope and peace, and for God to intervene, as you grow in Christ.

 

[Brainfreeze]

I would add to some of these good posters.. by saying try some new things, he likes to exercise maybe do that with him. Keep the romance alive, it's a two way street especially after five children. I'm sure you've both been through ups and downs with each other. Do more for him, do more for yourSELF, that's the thing about marriage, it's about YOU, YOU, YOU. It's ok because God said it is in these type of situations as long as it's healthy for the family. Get some new make up, maybe a new dress, get your hair and nails done, and smelling real good, " things that attracted him to you in the first place " then plan or cook a nice meal, talk about anything under the sun with care and love, don't just do this one time and expect a quick fix, but over time take these things into consideration and make new the old.

I think him slapping you or you slapping him is just infection to a already open wound, patch the wound and everything will heal.... with time.. I think he still loves you because he's lying to you " even worried about the anniversary ", he doesn't want to hurt you, just try, try, try, and if not for him or you, do it for God and then the children... God bless