question for the married women (and men) - gifts

[Rissa77]

Just so you know, I'm not married.

But here's the situation that brought this question..

My dad is not a good gift-buyer; not much thought put into it. For the past 2 years my dad has gotten my mom the same box of NASTY chocolates on every holiday. He used to get the good stuff - Witmans. But now it's those yucky Russel Stover truffles. And this past time I asked my mom, "Why don't you tell him you don't like them?" She says it's just easier to exchange them. He'll flip out if she told him as if she means he can't do anything right or his attempt isn't good enough. My sister says she made this mistake and her husband won't get her things in that category anymore.

I'm thinking they're just chocolates, but she may have something here.
Do men normally overreact to things about gifts? Even if they didn't put much effort into the gift?
I would understand if he spent a lot of time, creativity, or effort in the gift. That would be romantic. A woman would have to love the gift just because of that.

But this seems a little odd to me.

 

[Chico_Zimbabwe]

Just so you know, I'm not married.

But here's the situation that brought this question..

My dad is not a good gift-buyer; not much thought put into it. For the past 2 years my dad has gotten my mom the same box of NASTY chocolates on every holiday. He used to get the good stuff - Witmans. But now it's those yucky Russel Stover truffles. And this past time I asked my mom, "Why don't you tell him you don't like them?" She says it's just easier to exchange them. He'll flip out if she told him as if she means he can't do anything right or his attempt isn't good enough. My sister says she made this mistake and her husband won't get her things in that category anymore.

I'm thinking they're just chocolates, but she may have something here.
Do men normally overreact to things about gifts? Even if they didn't put much effort into the gift?
I would understand if he spent a lot of time, creativity, or effort in the gift. That would be romantic. A woman would have to love the gift just because of that.

But this seems a little odd to me.

Some guys are just like that. I think you should take him shopping for a gift for mom. He'll probably appreciate your help and input.

 

[Harley_Angel]

My dad doesn't understand why my mother, who also works, gets upset when all he gets her is a gift card. It's like here honey, I took money that is already yours, put it on a card, and am handing it to you so you can only buy stuff at this one place. He think he's doing her a favor because now she can get what she wants and he's not getting her something she'll never use. I tried to explain to him the difference between men and women. A man would love it, it's like, hey my wife is giving me permission to buy whatever I want at a store I love and she can't get mad at me!!! Women are like, ugh, I could have bought whatever I wanted at this store anyway, I wanted something that he had to put thought into.

So men...dont' get your wife a gift card...ESPECIALLY if she helps earn the money, too. Even if you don't get us something we need or can use or had wanted, the idea that you actually went out, went shopping, thought about what we might like, and bought us something we might not have gotten ourselves, means more to us than getting to pick out what we want.

 

[pickles]

My hubby ussually is very good about gifts. Probably because his family has always been big on jewelry. I love this. He has had a few misteps over the years. For a short while the gifts seemed more what he would want if he was me. Men, not a good way to choose. Appliances are not a good gift unless she requests them. More reciently he thought money was a good idea. Problem is I take care of paying the bills and I always put the needs of our family first. Men, dont be afraid to ask and women dont be afraid to say. Its about his thinking of you and caring about what would please you. Many times we were too broke to do much but my hubby managed to get me a few of my favoret candy bars and a flower. To me it was diamonds. Yes I do get jewelry now but I am just as happy with the candybars. It is his thought and effort that counts. Once he bought me a jigsaw. Not the usual gift for a wife but I had wanted one so bad to add to my tools. I love building things. This year on my b-day he brought me a load of rocks that he went out and found, each one was picked for its beauty. It was for my garden, he knew how much I wanted more rocks. So you see it is about knowing what will show how much you matter. God bless, pickles

 

[Harley_Angel]

Awww Pickles, sounds like he's done a great job. My dad couldn't figure out why my mom got sooooo mad when he bought her a vacuum cleaner for her birthday. The one we had worked just fine, but he got her an even better one. My mom was like, ugh...great I got something to clean his house with...how thoughtful.

My husband has it easy. Our birthdays are only 4 days apart, so I told him for Christmas, birthday, and anniversary we would just go buy something together, like stuff for the apartment, dvd's, or harley parts. And for any other gifting holiday, he could just take me out to a nice dinner, one that I have to get dressed up for and spend time looking nice. Spending time with him is the best gift I can think of.

 

[kaffeine]

if my daughter made me a peunutbutter oninion octopuss milk shake for my birthday i would be happy and gr8full and enjoy drinking it more than ordering a pizza

 

[pickles]

Awww Pickles, sounds like he's done a great job. My dad couldn't figure out why my mom got sooooo mad when he bought her a vacuum cleaner for her birthday. The one we had worked just fine, but he got her an even better one. My mom was like, ugh...great I got something to clean his house with...how thoughtful.

My husband has it easy. Our birthdays are only 4 days apart, so I told him for Christmas, birthday, and anniversary we would just go buy something together, like stuff for the apartment, dvd's, or harley parts. And for any other gifting holiday, he could just take me out to a nice dinner, one that I have to get dressed up for and spend time looking nice. Spending time with him is the best gift I can think of.

There is the answer to this. Talking and letting each other know what you need and what makes you happy. God bless, pickles

 

[pickles]

if my daughter made me a peunutbutter oninion octopuss milk shake for my birthday i would be happy and gr8full and enjoy drinking it more than ordering a pizza

I love your story. I and my hubby ate and :enjoyed: many of our childrens gifts. The memories are the greatest gift of love.God bless, pickles

 

[broken]

Here is my theoretical response to my wife after complaining about the chocolates I bought her:

" why are you so concerned about the quality of the chocolates? I've been faithful for 13 years. I'm a good father, I'm a good provider. I don't slap you or the kids around. Are you so silly that you can't overlook my poor taste in special occasion gifts for the gifts I work hard at giving you every day?"

It would also be the last time she ever received chocolates from me.

 

[Rissa77]

Here is my theoretical response to my wife after complaining about the chocolates I bought her:

" why are you so concerned about the quality of the chocolates? I've been faithful for 13 years. I'm a good father, I'm a good provider. I don't slap you or the kids around. Are you so silly that you can't overlook my poor taste in special occasion gifts for the gifts I work hard at giving you every day?"

It would also be the last time she ever received chocolates from me.

This is exactly what I'm talking about. It's just candy.. why the overreaction? Even if she says it in the most loving way possible and in no judgment or criticism and has a pure motive in saying "I don't really like these, honey," she will still get the same response?

I would understand if you spend oodles of time and concern in picking them out.. studying what she eats and what she said she's liked before.. or has said would like to try before.. searching out the right kind, maybe getting them shipped special order, or going to a special store to get them.. in these scenarios, a defensive reaction would be predicted and permissible.

But this seems to me a little too far of a reaction to a box of rejected candy. Her attitude or comment could have been nasty enough to bring about such a reaction, but comon...

Does this mean a couple can't be honest about what they don't like? Even in something as simple as food?

 

[princessdeb4111962]

There is the answer to this. Talking and letting each other know what you need and what makes you happy. God bless, pickles

I agree Pickles HONESTY,use communication,but what I usually do is hint at things or even put a pic of the thing I want n what store to get it LOL.
My opinon on gift cards,they r for lazy ,unthoughtful people who don't no that person to well,because they can't find them a gift suitable for them.I love homemade gifts myself.

 

[upendo]

hi, what you are saying is right

 

[broken]

No. Discussion of like/dislike isn't the issue. My harsh response was directed to what I perceived as motives of the OP.

Again, it is a box of chocolates. If my wife were small enough to care which brand of chocolates I bought her instead of careing about the gifts we share everyday, I would seriously question my decision to marry her.

"He used to get the good stuff - Witmans. But now it's those yucky Russel Stover truffles."

She should count herself as lucky that she received anything. Many women do not. Many women get the crap beat out of them regularly. If you really want to justify being small for the sake of communication, go ahead. I stand by my response. I would not even consider dating a woman with that kind of response to my gift.

Listen to yourself 'yucky Russel Strover truffles...' I'm not attacking you personally, just telling you that in my opinion you are being incredibly small, and looking at the quality of the gift, instead of the giver and the intent.

 

[Harley_Angel]

Broken, I'm assuming you are a guy since you were talking about having a wife. This is where guy think and girl think is completely different. You think she is being small because she's judging the quality of a gift, but a lot of time (not all the time) women judge the quality of the gift as the level of thought the man put into it. It's not that he's giving her a poor quality gift, it's that he didn't take the time or the effort to find out what she likes. He could have taken the chocolates and pasted them on a piece of cardboard in the shape of a heart with I love you written in poorly made frosting, and it would have meant something more than just handing her a box of cheap chocolates. Anybody can do that. Women look into things that men don't, we discern things from actions that men don't even realize we are looking at.

So for you, a man, you think, well, she's getting something, she should be grateful because she could just not get anything. But for a woman it's, this person lives with me, eats with me, sleeps with me, talks with me, and didn't care enough to get a gift that shows some level of knowing what I like.

Again, this isn't 100 percent of women and men think obviously, but it's sort of the general idea. She's not being small, she's being honest, and probably seeing a message in the manner of gift he gives her that you don't see.

 

[broken]

we'll just have to agree to disagree. If a woman who lives with me, eats with me, talks with me and doesn't know how deeply I care about her, than something is very wrong. If gifts are the only maner in which a woman can evaluate how deeply a man cares for his wife, then she is likely to get a man that only values material things. That is a very scary prospect in my opinion and the kind of shallow relationship that refelcts the high divorce rate in the US.

 

[Harley_Angel]

I never said it's the only way, it's just one of the ways. Women like to know they are special and valued and loved. And often times, when you've been married or in a relationship for a long time, saying I love you, and your beautiful, and you mean the world to me doesn't happen as often when you were first together. Everyone likes to feel appreciated, and one of the ways humans from ALL around the world show respect, appreciation, and value is through giving gifts. In a lot of places if you give a poorly thought of gift, or something generic, it's considered a great insult. Those people aren't shallow, it's the fact that if you are going to go through the trouble of giving someone a gift that is meant to be special, make it special!

Some women need less verification, and other's more, but I know if my husband was giving me a bunch of junk, I would know he wasn't trying, and think that maybe I wasn't important or special enough for him to put some thought into it. That's not shallow, that's just how we work.

 

[Rissa77]

I was going to reply until Harley_Angel took the words right from under me. lol Perfectly done!

Yes, in this case, my dad puts no effort in the gift. I think my mom deserves more thought in the gesture.

And broken, there's a book out there that explains the viewpoint of a woman when it comes to the "five love languages", one of which is gifts. It's conveniently called "The Five Love Languages." You can find the test and explanation of the 5 languages here: http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/learn.html

This gift thing is a big deal to women.. it seems gifts may be your lowest love language. Quality time and acts of service may be your highest two. But most often to a woman.. gifts is high up there.
But here's the even more tricky part of women, and I'll take myself as an example.

I don't care for gifts. It's number 5 for me. I value physical touch, then acts of service, quality time, words of affirmation, and then gifts. But... if I receive a gift that proves love in the physical form of acts of service and quality time, it fills those needs and the gift is more precious than the other two... I'll explain this better.

If my husband buys me daisies for my birthday.. I'll think they're pretty and kinda thoughtful. He remembered my favorite flower and paid for them. But I'll soon forget them when he does the dishes or something for me. But if he had picked those daisies himself from a field... I would flip out. That means he took time out of his schedule, stopped what he was doing, and bent over to pick the prettiest ones (combining acts of service, quality time, and gifts all in one). In the first case, those daisies mean very little to me. I would rather him do something for me. The second shows more love and care. It speaks a million times more.

I hope this clears up a bit of confusion.

 

[Harley_Angel]

I really like that Rissa. That's a really organized way of explaining it!

 

[ClimbingUpward]

It's a male thing. What they think their wife would like and what their wife actually likes are sooooo different. Maybe suggest a few things your mum likes, like, 'mum saw those in the shop the other day, she said she really likes them, maybe you could get that for her?' Of course, you're mum would need to say those things, don't wanna lie.

But that's a suggestion. I'm almost positive we did the same thing when we were growing up with owr parents.