Reality of waiting until Married

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Protek

Junior Member
Aug 26, 2014
40
20
8
#1
I just wanted to get some thoughts from people who have been through the dating scene and found a partner, or those who didn't and have a family of their own.

How realistic is it to wait for marriage before having sex? I'm not a virgin as I had sex a handful of times 17ish years ago but nothing since then. I haven't been in the dating scene due to personal issues but I have had a lot of time to think about what I want. Over the years since first meeting Jesus, I have realized that ideals and practice are not the same thing. This whole time I swore to myself that I would wait for marriage but I know better than to swear something to myself or god, make my yes a yes and my no a no.

What is confusing to me.... is that I know literally no one that has waited for marriage, even the people I know who are married now started having sex before they tied the knot. Sometimes a pregnancy pushed the two together, sometimes they waited to have kids. And some of my friends have multiple kids with multiple women none of which they are married to or live with. I only "know of" one virgin, she was actually my HS girlfriends best friend and I only know about it because one of my current best friends is the one that connected me with my first and only girlfriend.

My point is that there are many avenues for this subject and while I know the Christian view point...... I've never seen it put to practice. Even my Cousin who is one of the few Christians I am or have been close to, got pregnant which pushed her into a marriage. And she was always the responsible one who over a decade ago told me over the phone that she was worried that I would marry the first person I run across. And she pray's constantly so I really don't know what to think.

Not one Friend or Family member, not even a friend of a friend has waited for marriage, only a distant acquaintance has pulled this off.

So can I please get some real world insight? I don't want holy and biblical talk unless it is accompanied by real world view points. I haven't been on a date in 17 years so I want some relate-able advice. (and yes I pray about it, which has lead me to asking people here instead of being left with my thought's to god)

Thanks.
 

TamLynn

Junior Member
Nov 27, 2014
448
547
93
#2
It is totally realistic, and can be done. (I'm living proof. :) )
I will say, if you become involved with someone that does not have the same convictions and desire for purity as you do, you will more than likely be unsuccessful in resisting temptation.
 

Demi777

Senior Member
Oct 13, 2014
6,508
1,436
113
Germany
#3
Study what marriage actually is according to the biblebig and u will see that it has barely.anything to do with the way its taught
 

Tommy379

Notorious Member
Jan 12, 2016
7,589
1,145
113
#4
When you lay with a woman, they own you. Run....
 

Angela53510

Senior Member
Jan 24, 2011
10,663
1,678
113
#5
My daughter and her husband were both Christians and virgins when they met. They both waited for marriage, and are happily expecting their first child, 8 years later.

My daughter took a course from a Catholic college affiliated with her secular university on the family, for her psychology degree. What they brought out was the studies of how many marriages fail when the people have been sexually actively before marriage. It was around 75%. But the marriages where both partners were virgins, and waited for marriage? Around 25% of marriages failed.

So you must live in a very promiscuous world! God's Plan was always that people should wait until marriage, before having sex. Why? Because that is what actually works, long term. The world says, “it it feels good, do it!” God’s says, “I created the world and humanity. My plan is no sex before marriage.”

And it is most certainly possible to do that! Look to God instead of to all these people who probably aren’t Christians, or are disobedient to God.

PS The Holy Spirit will help you resist this temptation.
 

Rachel20

Senior Member
May 7, 2013
1,639
101
63
#6
In all honesty, I think the reason most people don't wait before marriage is because the structure of society and the way things are done now is much different than Biblical times, especially in western cultures.

There was no idea of dating or having a relationship such as boyfriend/girlfriend in the past.

In terms of marriage decisions, it was almost a transactional agreement made between the father of the bride and the husband.

This culture is still prevalent in many parts of the world.

In today's society - there's dating, then a phase of relationship as boyfriend/girlfriend that sometimes even involves living together or having children.

It has become acceptable that two people who live together, date, cohabit etc, are not married but still can establish an accepted partnership. It used to be looked down upon but with celebrities doing it themselves, it's not taboo anymore.

That being said, the mindset of dating someone for years and years and still save it for marriage clashes.

For the generation today, it is too risky to make a marital commitment to someone they have barely known just because they want to have sex.
Sex is just one aspect of a relationship - there are so many other socio-economic factors that come into play to make a strong partnership.
So to really achieve that goal - you should find someone who shares a similar Christian viewpoint as you and is marriage-minded from the start of dating. But to find someone that fits into all the other categories that you need to have a fulfilling, wonderful, strong, stable partnership? That's really a God given blessing.
 

I_am_Canadian

Senior Member
Dec 8, 2014
446
78
28
#7
I just wanted to get some thoughts from people who have been through the dating scene and found a partner, or those who didn't and have a family of their own.

How realistic is it to wait for marriage before having sex? I'm not a virgin as I had sex a handful of times 17ish years ago but nothing since then. I haven't been in the dating scene due to personal issues but I have had a lot of time to think about what I want. Over the years since first meeting Jesus, I have realized that ideals and practice are not the same thing. This whole time I swore to myself that I would wait for marriage but I know better than to swear something to myself or god, make my yes a yes and my no a no.

What is confusing to me.... is that I know literally no one that has waited for marriage, even the people I know who are married now started having sex before they tied the knot. Sometimes a pregnancy pushed the two together, sometimes they waited to have kids. And some of my friends have multiple kids with multiple women none of which they are married to or live with. I only "know of" one virgin, she was actually my HS girlfriends best friend and I only know about it because one of my current best friends is the one that connected me with my first and only girlfriend.

My point is that there are many avenues for this subject and while I know the Christian view point...... I've never seen it put to practice. Even my Cousin who is one of the few Christians I am or have been close to, got pregnant which pushed her into a marriage. And she was always the responsible one who over a decade ago told me over the phone that she was worried that I would marry the first person I run across. And she pray's constantly so I really don't know what to think.

Not one Friend or Family member, not even a friend of a friend has waited for marriage, only a distant acquaintance has pulled this off.

So can I please get some real world insight? I don't want holy and biblical talk unless it is accompanied by real world view points. I haven't been on a date in 17 years so I want some relate-able advice. (and yes I pray about it, which has lead me to asking people here instead of being left with my thought's to god)

Thanks.
Hey I know how you feel. I've been down that road my self, though I am still unmarried. Here is where the problem lies, In school kids are taught Sex ed. What they teach is basically it's ok to do it with any one you want as long as you use a condom or some kind of contraception. They don't teach that you first time is something you will remember the rest of your life. They don't teach that multiple sexual partners leads to sexually transmitted diseases or pregnancy. They don't teach kids about the responsibility they share when they have a child. Or about the consequences of their actions.

That's the problem with a godless society, there's no morals or ethics and it does more harm than good. That's why God wants people to wait until they are married. It's easier to break off a relationship when you don't have the responsibility of raising a child.
If you know that the relationship may not work out. Once a child is involved then it's a whole different situation because it's not 2 people being affected it's 3. (or more depending on the length of the relation ship and the number of children they have together.)

Just remember, just because the rest of the world jumps off a bridge does not mean you have to. Remember children need both parents, as examples of how to build relationships and deal with people of the opposite gender of themselves.
 

melita916

Senior Member
Aug 12, 2011
9,645
1,617
113
#8
I waited until marriage.

was it difficult to wait? heck yes! just being honest here lol.

I'm not sure what practical advise I can give. anything I accomplished is not because I'm a good person... or a strong person. it's because the Lord is good and helped me.

one thing I always told my Sunday school students back in the day is "if you are alone with the other person, temptation can be greater. once hormones kick in, all reasoning goes out the window."
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
27,750
6,083
113
64
Florida
#9
After my divorce I was single and celibate for 18 years before remarriage. I learned early on that no good comes from casual sex but it can certainly complicate your life. It is best to abstain until remarriage if such a person comes into your life that you want to marry.
 

Jeauris

Junior Member
Sep 17, 2013
187
51
28
#10
In all honesty, I think the reason most people don't wait before marriage is because the structure of society and the way things are done now is much different than Biblical times, especially in western cultures.

There was no idea of dating or having a relationship such as boyfriend/girlfriend in the past.

In terms of marriage decisions, it was almost a transactional agreement made between the father of the bride and the husband.

This culture is still prevalent in many parts of the world.

In today's society - there's dating, then a phase of relationship as boyfriend/girlfriend that sometimes even involves living together or having children.

It has become acceptable that two people who live together, date, cohabit etc, are not married but still can establish an accepted partnership. It used to be looked down upon but with celebrities doing it themselves, it's not taboo anymore.

That being said, the mindset of dating someone for years and years and still save it for marriage clashes.

For the generation today, it is too risky to make a marital commitment to someone they have barely known just because they want to have sex.
Sex is just one aspect of a relationship - there are so many other socio-economic factors that come into play to make a strong partnership.
So to really achieve that goal - you should find someone who shares a similar Christian viewpoint as you and is marriage-minded from the start of dating. But to find someone that fits into all the other categories that you need to have a fulfilling, wonderful, strong, stable partnership? That's really a God given blessing.
Well sweety its fornication however you slice it. Whatever cultures did with their traditions and nonsense God's way is to keep sex and marriage honored in all things. IT is a sacred act that He designed for marriage and naught else. Peoples hormones, loneliness, passion drive them to sex before marriage. Fornication Rachel -- not a good thing.
 

Tommy379

Notorious Member
Jan 12, 2016
7,589
1,145
113
#11
Well sweety its fornication however you slice it. Whatever cultures did with their traditions and nonsense God's way is to keep sex and marriage honored in all things. IT is a sacred act that He designed for marriage and naught else. Peoples hormones, loneliness, passion drive them to sex before marriage. Fornication Rachel -- not a good thing.
Rachel was just stating social norms. She made no endorsement of current trends.
 

vashweb2

Active member
May 30, 2018
38
150
33
#12
Purity is beautiful. The world will try to tempt, but purity is an incredibly beautiful thing, and a shadow of Heavenliness.
 

Demi777

Senior Member
Oct 13, 2014
6,508
1,436
113
Germany
#13
God never said z need a pastor or judge to me married. In fact before the wedding ring two people.would simply move in together, become one flesh and for everyone they were.married. dont let ppl confuse u
 
Sep 1, 2018
25
26
13
#14
I just wanted to get some thoughts from people who have been through the dating scene and found a partner, or those who didn't and have a family of their own.

How realistic is it to wait for marriage before having sex? I'm not a virgin as I had sex a handful of times 17ish years ago but nothing since then. I haven't been in the dating scene due to personal issues but I have had a lot of time to think about what I want. Over the years since first meeting Jesus, I have realized that ideals and practice are not the same thing. This whole time I swore to myself that I would wait for marriage but I know better than to swear something to myself or god, make my yes a yes and my no a no.

What is confusing to me.... is that I know literally no one that has waited for marriage, even the people I know who are married now started having sex before they tied the knot. Sometimes a pregnancy pushed the two together, sometimes they waited to have kids. And some of my friends have multiple kids with multiple women none of which they are married to or live with. I only "know of" one virgin, she was actually my HS girlfriends best friend and I only know about it because one of my current best friends is the one that connected me with my first and only girlfriend.

My point is that there are many avenues for this subject and while I know the Christian view point...... I've never seen it put to practice. Even my Cousin who is one of the few Christians I am or have been close to, got pregnant which pushed her into a marriage. And she was always the responsible one who over a decade ago told me over the phone that she was worried that I would marry the first person I run across. And she pray's constantly so I really don't know what to think.

Not one Friend or Family member, not even a friend of a friend has waited for marriage, only a distant acquaintance has pulled this off.

So can I please get some real world insight? I don't want holy and biblical talk unless it is accompanied by real world view points. I haven't been on a date in 17 years so I want some relate-able advice. (and yes I pray about it, which has lead me to asking people here instead of being left with my thought's to god)

Thanks.
 
Sep 1, 2018
25
26
13
#15
Dating, as it is currently defined in the Western World, only dates back to the 1890s. Before then, members of the opposite sex who were serious about marriage would look for a partner through the courtship arrangement, which included a chaperon. Modern definitions of dating, of course, have gradually introduced the social aspect of dating, including its heavy emphasis on sexual activity. We all aim for the ideal and work hard to strive for the Christian goal of chastity in all things before marriage.

As long as you both are committed to this goal, it can be achieved!
 

Jeauris

Junior Member
Sep 17, 2013
187
51
28
#16
I just wanted to get some thoughts from people who have been through the dating scene and found a partner, or those who didn't and have a family of their own.

How realistic is it to wait for marriage before having sex? I'm not a virgin as I had sex a handful of times 17ish years ago but nothing since then. I haven't been in the dating scene due to personal issues but I have had a lot of time to think about what I want. Over the years since first meeting Jesus, I have realized that ideals and practice are not the same thing. This whole time I swore to myself that I would wait for marriage but I know better than to swear something to myself or god, make my yes a yes and my no a no.

What is confusing to me.... is that I know literally no one that has waited for marriage, even the people I know who are married now started having sex before they tied the knot. Sometimes a pregnancy pushed the two together, sometimes they waited to have kids. And some of my friends have multiple kids with multiple women none of which they are married to or live with. I only "know of" one virgin, she was actually my HS girlfriends best friend and I only know about it because one of my current best friends is the one that connected me with my first and only girlfriend.

My point is that there are many avenues for this subject and while I know the Christian view point...... I've never seen it put to practice. Even my Cousin who is one of the few Christians I am or have been close to, got pregnant which pushed her into a marriage. And she was always the responsible one who over a decade ago told me over the phone that she was worried that I would marry the first person I run across. And she pray's constantly so I really don't know what to think.

Not one Friend or Family member, not even a friend of a friend has waited for marriage, only a distant acquaintance has pulled this off.

So can I please get some real world insight? I don't want holy and biblical talk unless it is accompanied by real world view points. I haven't been on a date in 17 years so I want some relate-able advice. (and yes I pray about it, which has lead me to asking people here instead of being left with my thought's to god)

Thanks.
nnnnn

I obeyed The Lord and waited until I was about 37 years old. It was very difficult. Worth it. And like one sister said it was not my strength - I will say I made the commitment and the decision, and God gave me strength. Jacob? I think, had to wait 7 years knowing who he loved --- then got scammed into marrying her sister, then another 7 years --- Abraham and Sarah had to wait a lonnnnnnng time before they had Isaac. Disobeyed, had a child with another woman, this child with Isaac's brother eventually became the Arab nations that have been trying to destroy their brother/Isaac/Israel for thousands of years now. Difficult to obey - rewards are worth it
 

Jeauris

Junior Member
Sep 17, 2013
187
51
28
#17
God never said z need a pastor or judge to me married. In fact before the wedding ring two people.would simply move in together, become one flesh and for everyone they were.married. dont let ppl confuse u
in Israel it was very ceremonial actually. The bride and groom were married in front of many people, and they consummated there marriage in a tent in front of them right then. Not before, not after. I agree that a legal document is not needed and the laws of humankind especially in America on marriage, divorce, child-custody are evil and not to be trusted. The law of Christ demands even more accountability than the laws of humans and a long Biblical tradition of openly and publicly in the eyes of God proclaiming your marriage as you would proclaim Christ to be your Savior publicly ---- in private that is just a cop-out for cheap sex
 

Protek

Junior Member
Aug 26, 2014
40
20
8
#18
So you must live in a very promiscuous world! God's Plan was always that people should wait until marriage, before having sex. Why? Because that is what actually works, long term.
I really don't appreciate the tone of looking down on me and the world I live in. I will admit that one part of it sounds surreal, about the two friends with 9 kids with 5 women, but those are friends from my past and people who I don't even speak to.

Yes I live in a promiscuous world, but I would counter with the fact that this is the norm today and even among christians it is a struggle to stay away from it. I would also counter with the fact that "this is what works" is not an end all be all. My father met my mother in their teen's and got her pregnant, he has devoted his entire life to his family and now provides for all 6 of us in the family basically by himself, I do work with him but the every day needs of everyone in our core family falls on his shoulders and he sacrifices himself every day in many ways. My father is not a christian in any sense of the word but he is a family man to the highest degree.


The place I'm at, in my walk with god, and in my position in this world is complicated. I have been in turmoil for the past 18 or so years, most of those I have been very close to Jesus. However no one that I know short of my Grandmother and my Cousin would call themselves christians. This has been a sore spot for me as I am naturally a bleeding heart and always looking to forgive everyone I come across even for the smallest of things. If Jesus loved me and was next to my heart even through my evilest of times, how could he leave anyone? Some vessels are made for salvation and some for destruction, but I'm the person who thinks all should be saved with no regaurds to the law, only redemption from suffering in due time. Yes righteousness upholds those who seek evil and sets a standard so others know not to seek evil, however I believe in a lord that is greater than any evil that has ever been, one who suffers with the most wicked through redemption.

Anyways my view on this world doesn't mesh well with other christians and I often find that I don't like christians at all. In fact I'm banned from just about every christian chat room on the internet because of this.

Anyways back to my point, I really don't like christians however I have christian values. Even in my wildest dreams I uphold the values that everyone is putting forth here. I see no reason to get that emotionally entangled with someone that I don't want to spend the rest of this life and every life after with. I have a strong view of heaven and it above all thing's involves my wife.

Back to reality and every relationship I see offers me no glimpse of what I want, I'm affraid that my desires are based in a youthful view of my past. Living in a relationship isn't all sunshine and lollipops and honestly I'm doing good staying stable by myself. For work I go into several customers houses every day and so often I find a husband that's tired of his wife bickering at him. My father himself is tired of going home to my mom due to the dynamic of her being bed ridden for at least a decade and just now coming out of it. My sister is "hard headed" and I'm not sure why my brother in law put's up with her. My grandmother didn't get the nerve to stand up to my grandfather until he was in a home and now she's faulting in her mental abilities since he has passed. I could go on but I think I see the worst of all of these situations and honestly, at my age I kind of just want to wait until this life is over to find a wife. Maybe someone that was never born in this world, maybe someone that never married here.

All I know is that I will spend eternity with my wife, however I'm not willing to deal with the BS involved in this life. I just want to have my thing's and wait out my day's, I'm half way there and the second half of what I've had is nothing to write home about short of learning the lords heart.
 

Protek

Junior Member
Aug 26, 2014
40
20
8
#19
I'd really like to hear from those in here that didn't wait until marriage to have sex. I know it happens more than christians would like to admit, and saying such a thing is a double edged sword as it admit's fault to a judgmental community while at the same time giving someone a "free pass" who is struggling with the concept. However real stories from people in this sinful world would be nice. I am more than certain that waiting for marriage doesn't make everything sunshine and at the same time I know that successful marriages don't always involve waiting.

Here is one story, one of my closest friends was raised catholic and he has told me a few times that he wishes he didn't wait so he could be more experienced. (oh wait I do know one person that waited). He was raised in an abusive home and was at times homeless because he couldn't be at home with his father. His mother wouldn't leave him because she didn't believe in divorce but the consequences were severe for him. Today he believes in god and prays but he has no christian values. He is one of the very few people I feel comfortable telling anything in my life and I respect his opinion. However his wife has been through a double masectomy and chemo and he is full of issues stemming from his upbringing.

My point here is that christian values and waiting for marriage is never a sure fire way to a good life. He is with his wife that he loves and she loves him, even when he replaces his TV with a $4k model while they are $10k+ in debt and she needs a reconstructive boob job.

I think I'm going to go play games at his place this weekend.
 

presidente

Senior Member
May 29, 2013
4,260
200
63
#20
It grieves me to hear of how bad our culture has become. I know it, but reading what you said grieves me.

I waited until marriage. This was back in the 1980's and 1990's. I moved to Indonesia, where I met my wife. Virginity for men and women seems to be the norm over there. Not all are, but there is a stigma to not being one. I know of one of her female relatives, no two, that I can think of out of hundreds that I heard did not keep their virginity. One got pregnant. No doubt there are more than that. But it's not like a common thing to lose virginity before marriage like it is in the US. Maybe that can encourage you that it is at least possible.

And I did it. I stayed a virgin until marriage and married a virgin.

How to do it? It's hard to find virgins past a certain age, but they tend to be regular church attendants or serious about some other religion.

Anyway, if you date, date a serious believer and say you don't have sex before marriage. Throw that out in a non-accusatory way when you are getting to know the other person (so it is not presented as 'I know you want to have sex with me, but we aren't going to do that before marriage.) Then stick to it and avoid excessive physical contact. Sitting around on a dark couch kissing and carressing is not the way to keep from falling into fornication.