Should I let go of a marriage my husband doesn’t want?

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Giving2god

Junior Member
Jan 11, 2018
4
0
0
#1
I am currently struggling with a major life decision. Do I keep trying to save a marriage my husband doesn’t want to be in or do I let go and get divorced. We have been married for 10 years now. He says we have grown into different people and I no longer make him happy. Nor does he think he will ever be happy in our marriage. Regardless if things are changed. He goes out every night and now does not come home. He still provides financially as he says he “feels bad” for hurting me. In the beginning I was angry and was ready to give up. But then I started really praying and decided I wanted to fight for my marriage. But how do you fight for a marriage your spouse doesn’t want? He is enjoying being single and not having to worry about anyone but himself. He has never had that as we have been together since we were 18. We have two small children and I think we should try to work it out. We attended marriage counseling last week and he has agreed to go back. But he says only because he thinks it’s the only way to get divorced peacefully. At this point I’m not sure what to do. He says he no longer loves me and just feels sorry for me because I still love him. I apologize for the long post. I’m just struggling with the decision to let him go and start the healing process or keep fighting. Has anyone else been in this situation? Any prayers are appreciated.
 

Enoch987

Senior Member
Jul 13, 2017
317
11
18
#2
We pray for you. If that is his attitude towards counseling, he should not go but you should. It's too expensive to simply go through the motions of pretending to work on your marriage. Do you stay in the marriage until he finds someone else? Avoid intimacy since he looks to leave? Insulate yourself from him so he won't hurt you as much when he does leave? 1 Peter 3:6 has worked for some but in truth Sarah didn't call Abraham lord. She tended to boss Abraham around. First Corinthians 7, God has called us to peace. If an unbelieving spouse wants to leave, let them. You could stay with him even though it is difficult in the hope that someday he will realize your value and become a godly man all the while knowing that there is no guarantee of that outcome. He does have some good points that he is a decent financial provider. You could work on being friends for now and if that means you have to allow him to leave but lovers is too much for now. It exposes you to too much pain. You have to find someone to talk to. Look up Stephen's Ministries (they listen and pray) or volunteer Christian life coaches. I'm not in favor of you being the model wife to him but some churches may be in favor of that. I would avoid those churches.
 

justjess

Junior Member
Jan 8, 2018
10
0
0
#3
Hello, I am going through the same with my marriage right now. He is filing for divorice. Like the person above me noted we are supposed to let the unbelieving spouse go. But I know how hard it is to let go. Especially after so long with your spouse. If you decide to stand for your marriage please try and prepare yourself for the roller coaster. There will be false starts and a lot of falls. I wish I could give you advise and let you know what is best, but unfortunately only God knows what his plan is for you. There is a site I found for.some people who stand for their marriages even after divorice has happened. It is called rejoice marriage ministry, and it can be very uplifting. But I am also learning that sometimes it hurts us more to hold on then to let go. I pray God gives you the strength and wisdom to go whatever way is best for you and your family. Either way it is a long journey and remeber to lean on God as well as any friends or family through this trial.
 

Dan58

Senior Member
Nov 13, 2013
1,829
130
63
#4
It takes two to Tango.. If your husband doesn't want to be married anymore, your not letting go, he is...Its sad when one person gives up on a marriage, but you shouldn't stay married to someone who doesn't love you anymore; "Husbands, love your wives" (Ephesians 5:25). Trying to save your marriage with a man who doesn't love you is like throwing a fish on shore and expecting it to swim.
 

joaniemarie

Senior Member
Jan 4, 2017
3,093
162
63
#5
I am currently struggling with a major life decision. Do I keep trying to save a marriage my husband doesn’t want to be in or do I let go and get divorced. We have been married for 10 years now. He says we have grown into different people and I no longer make him happy. Nor does he think he will ever be happy in our marriage. Regardless if things are changed. He goes out every night and now does not come home. He still provides financially as he says he “feels bad” for hurting me. In the beginning I was angry and was ready to give up. But then I started really praying and decided I wanted to fight for my marriage. But how do you fight for a marriage your spouse doesn’t want? He is enjoying being single and not having to worry about anyone but himself. He has never had that as we have been together since we were 18. We have two small children and I think we should try to work it out. We attended marriage counseling last week and he has agreed to go back. But he says only because he thinks it’s the only way to get divorced peacefully. At this point I’m not sure what to do. He says he no longer loves me and just feels sorry for me because I still love him. I apologize for the long post. I’m just struggling with the decision to let him go and start the healing process or keep fighting. Has anyone else been in this situation? Any prayers are appreciated.


Good morning Giving2God, I'm sorry you are dealing with this very life changing situation not only for you but for your 2 small children. I've been through a similar experience and learned why God hates divorce so much. It's not that God hates those who are going through the divorce., He knows and clearly understands how divorce hurts and devastates all involved and He doesn't want that for any of His children. Jesus came to "restore" Do you know Jesus as your Savior? Are you a believer?

Going to a Christian counselor is very different than going to a non Christian marriage counselor. The Christian will understand what is really at stake and why avoiding divorce is the goal if at all possible., saving a marriage and family from being devastated and effected by it for the rest of their lives. and if the Christian marriage counselor is worth their salt., they will know some things based on experience with people and based on the truth of God.

Going for marriage counselling is to hopefully give opportunity for those seeking this route to understand fact from feeling. Your husband has convinced himself that divorce is the answer. Obviously he is listening to and being around those who have no stake in family and the importance of honoring marriage. Sadly it's too late once someone has left a marriage and destroyed their family by forcing a divorce on everyone.

As someone who went through this. my advice to you is keep going to counselling where the counselor is a Christian. Let the sessions expose what is going on in your husbands mind and what he thinks the solution is and let the counselor do as they are trained to do... .........sift out FACT from FEELING.......... go through the process even though it will be very hard. You are not on trial.

Your husband needs at least the opportunity to see the CLIFF he is jumping off himself as he does it willingly.. and then what he is in actuality doing is FORCING you his friend and wife of many years and also his children off that same cliff. He is truly pushing his whole family off a giant cliff.

There is a lot to be angry about on your part I understand. Angry but mostly devastated and hurt down to your core. And also the children who are being hurt now and will also be hurt later even into their adult years. Much pain now but nothing compared to what will be later.


Quite often husbands or wives who are unhappy themselves are looking for a fast answer and a fast out. The world says divorce will solve allll their problems because of course., the problem can't be them... it must be their wife or husband., the circumstances.,... the "growing apart" .... the selfish and ignorant statement ; "You're not making me happy anymore." and "happiness" is always the goal for a selfish person. They don't realize that "happiness" depends on what's happening and that changes every day. Joy and real peace is inside a person and comes from truth and reality in Jesus.

I wish I had not been so devastated and hurt that all I could deal with was the personal hurt and total disappointment in my husband for no longer loving me the way he promised and the way he used to. I then made choices based on my emotions and not on the best interests of myself and my children. I allowed the divorce to be rushed into without counselling from a Christian counselor or the safety of the counsel of wise Christian friends.

At this time more than any time., you need help., emotional support and lots of counsel from other Christians and an excellent lawyer who will all be having yours and your children's interests at heart. I can promise you that the divorce is just the beginning not the end. It seems like all this emotion and hurt that is going on now can't be any worse. But it gets much worse and the wall is much bigger than can be imagined right now.

Don't allow circumstances to rush you. Your husband isn't thinking well at all and you as the mother must defend and care for the children and family. If your husband is going to be bound and determined to force a divorce., let him be the one to do it but you stay home with the kids. As long as you are married and in the home he has to support his family. Let him make the choices of getting another place for himself., and let him bear the financial responsibilities of it. let him leave. Don't you leave.

Go to church., surround yourself with loving Christians who will pray and support you with wise counsel always pointing to Jesus.
There is so much more but 1st and foremost there is no rush even though it "feels" like you should allow him to rush you., you must go very slow and learn as you go.

Be wise., not emotional. Because WISDOM often gets tossed out the window when we decide to go with our emotions. Your husband is doing that enough it seems. Don't let him have free reign to force all his emotions on to you and the children.
If he wants to separate let him go and don't let him rush you. Go through a looooong separation. Stay in the home and get grounded in your faith., be the responsible parent. Meet with other Christians., go to church regularly. Don't isolate yourself.
I will be praying for you Giving2God., and your family. joanie
 
D

Depleted

Guest
#6
I am currently struggling with a major life decision. Do I keep trying to save a marriage my husband doesn’t want to be in or do I let go and get divorced. We have been married for 10 years now. He says we have grown into different people and I no longer make him happy. Nor does he think he will ever be happy in our marriage. Regardless if things are changed. He goes out every night and now does not come home. He still provides financially as he says he “feels bad” for hurting me. In the beginning I was angry and was ready to give up. But then I started really praying and decided I wanted to fight for my marriage. But how do you fight for a marriage your spouse doesn’t want? He is enjoying being single and not having to worry about anyone but himself. He has never had that as we have been together since we were 18. We have two small children and I think we should try to work it out. We attended marriage counseling last week and he has agreed to go back. But he says only because he thinks it’s the only way to get divorced peacefully. At this point I’m not sure what to do. He says he no longer loves me and just feels sorry for me because I still love him. I apologize for the long post. I’m just struggling with the decision to let him go and start the healing process or keep fighting. Has anyone else been in this situation? Any prayers are appreciated.
Since you're going to a counselor together, why not ask the counselor?

We're just strangers online. At least a counselor knows what he/she is doing.
 

Lis6

Junior Member
May 29, 2016
1
1
0
#7
I know how you feel.. but the only one who will really be able to give you an answer is God.. Fast & Pray.
I won't quote Scriptures, because I am sure you know them all already! My husband was a Christian but not fully, and he isn't now.. I am 100%! He left in June last year and decided we would never be happy together, and that he needs to be alone. in the midst of so many life changing things happening all around us.
I know all the Scriptures, i know about the 'letting go' about us being unequally yoked etc.. But it is the hardest thought I have ever had to deal with in my life.
So right now I'm standing and believing that my God of miracles will make a way, i'm praying for my husband and I am praying that God's will, will be done. And I'm trying to be brave for whatever way that goes.

I believe God is a God of miracles., You also have the choice to make whether you want to fight or not, but he will give you an answer :)
Have you heard of the BTG movement on Youtube? They are such an encouragement for people standing for their marriage!
 
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Bebe11

Junior Member
Oct 30, 2016
17
0
0
#8
A marriage takes two people who are committed to doing the hard work to stay together. Would your husband be willing to talk with your Pastor? I applaud you for wanting to make your marriage work. You are a very strong woman. Keep praying and asking God to change your husband's heart.

I watched a movie last week called "The Case for Christ". It is a true story about a journalist in Chicago who was an atheist. He tried to disprove that Jesus died on the cross...but he couldn't. Maybe this will get the conversation started about the importance of where we will spend eternity. We only have two choices...heaven or hell. It is time that we all take inventory on our choices.

Thinking of you!
 
Jan 25, 2017
34
1
8
#9
I am currently struggling with a major life decision. Do I keep trying to save a marriage my husband doesn’t want to be in or do I let go and get divorced. We have been married for 10 years now. He says we have grown into different people and I no longer make him happy. Nor does he think he will ever be happy in our marriage. Regardless if things are changed. He goes out every night and now does not come home. He still provides financially as he says he “feels bad” for hurting me. In the beginning I was angry and was ready to give up. But then I started really praying and decided I wanted to fight for my marriage. But how do you fight for a marriage your spouse doesn’t want? He is enjoying being single and not having to worry about anyone but himself. He has never had that as we have been together since we were 18. We have two small children and I think we should try to work it out. We attended marriage counseling last week and he has agreed to go back. But he says only because he thinks it’s the only way to get divorced peacefully. At this point I’m not sure what to do. He says he no longer loves me and just feels sorry for me because I still love him. I apologize for the long post. I’m just struggling with the decision to let him go and start the healing process or keep fighting. Has anyone else been in this situation? Any prayers are appreciated.
Hi- I’m so sorry that this is happening to your marriage. While reading your post, it reminded me of my sister. For almost 2 years, their marriage is not doing well, her husband is not supporting them financially, and the only reason she’s staying is because of their child. Last night, I received a call from my sister, while crying she said that she’s tired of fights and arguments.

I told her about this article, it says that "separation can lead to an absolutely wonderful marriage if we are willing to deal with the problems that led to the separation." I’m hoping that their separation will help them realize that they still need and love each other.
I hope this article will work for you. Have you tried to talk with your Pastor regarding this? I hope things will be better in your marriage. Whatever decision you may lead to, I pray that you will have peace. God bless.
 

OneFaith

Senior Member
Sep 5, 2016
2,148
312
83
#10
There is only one reason that God allows divorce. It is not “We fell out of love with each other.” It is not “Well we both changed and are just not the same people anymore.” It is not “He hit me.” It is not “She’s such a nag.” The only reason is if your spouse had sex with another person- that is it.

If you fear for the safety of yourself or your children, you can leave the home but not the marriage. You cannot date or marry another unless your spouse cheats or dies- no exceptions.


 

JAnu

Junior Member
Jan 17, 2018
7
1
3
#11
Hi Sister in Christ,

Do not loose heart.

Our God is the one who creates everything out of nothing.

He is able to do far more than you can imagine.

He is able to turn the heart of stone to heart of flesh.

Nothing is impossible with him.

In my marriage , I came across a stage where I felt that my husband had no feelings no care for me.

I started pouring my heart of pain befor God.

It took some time But Yes Our God is eternally faithful.

He changed everything.

The same heart which had no feelings, no love, no care towards me-God Poured out love in that heart towards.

everything changed.


God Changed my marriage to the extent that I can never imagine.

The Same God is able to pour love and desire in ur husband heart towards you.

As long as u trust upon JESUS you dont worry about ur marriage sister. God is ABLE.

God will work.

I will pray for you.
 
Jul 23, 2017
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3
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#12
Well if he goes out at night and isn't coming home, he's obviously committing adultery. That alone speaks the story.

Why cling to such a person?

Frankly, in this obviously adulterous situation, he's going to move out eventually and serve you with papers. It's only a matter of time.
 

JosephsDreams

Senior Member
Dec 31, 2015
3,857
69
48
#13
Well if he goes out at night and isn't coming home, he's obviously committing adultery. That alone speaks the story.

Why cling to such a person?

Frankly, in this obviously adulterous situation, he's going to move out eventually and serve you with papers. It's only a matter of time.
Tough situation. I will pray for both of you, and the marriage.
I remember a Christian brother telling me years ago, how can 2 Christians divorce? What could be irreconcilable differences among two Christians?
Sometimes people call themselves Christian but their actions say otherwise.
 

Uhhhhh

Senior Member
Sep 16, 2017
124
4
0
#14
Israel and Leah stayed married, though he didn't love her. He didn't even have her in mind when they were joined. She actually named her child based on that... It's like, now he will love me, because I birthed his child. Well... First and foremost, don't let God down in all this. Be his daughter first. If your husband is no Christian, let him go if he truly doesn't like living with you. It might be hard, but you would need to let him go. Whatever that means... Let him leave. If he was a Christian, he maybe wouldn't be doing what he's doing.. Unless he is immature... Or misguided.
 

137David

New member
Jun 4, 2018
1
1
1
#15
There is only one reason that God allows divorce. It is not “We fell out of love with each other.” It is not “Well we both changed and are just not the same people anymore.” It is not “He hit me.” It is not “She’s such a nag.” The only reason is if your spouse had sex with another person- that is it.

If you fear for the safety of yourself or your children, you can leave the home but not the marriage. You cannot date or marry another unless your spouse cheats or dies- no exceptions.

Question: My wife and I have been married 8 years. We r both recovering alcoholics. She is having an extreme relapse for 2 months now. She won't go to church, counseling, rehab. If my wife commits adultery, I have "the right" to divorce, however, what about 1 Corinthians 7:27 "If you have a wife, do not seek to end the marriage"?
 

Born_Again

Senior Member
Nov 15, 2014
1,560
108
63
#16
I remember having this conversation with my pastor just prior to my divorce. My wife wasn't willing to reconcile and I asked him if I should let go. Obviously I couldn't stop her. And scripture accounts for it. So you're good!
 
P

pjharrison

Guest
#17
I am currently struggling with a major life decision. Do I keep trying to save a marriage my husband doesn’t want to be in or do I let go and get divorced. We have been married for 10 years now. He says we have grown into different people and I no longer make him happy. Nor does he think he will ever be happy in our marriage. Regardless if things are changed. He goes out every night and now does not come home. He still provides financially as he says he “feels bad” for hurting me. In the beginning I was angry and was ready to give up. But then I started really praying and decided I wanted to fight for my marriage. But how do you fight for a marriage your spouse doesn’t want? He is enjoying being single and not having to worry about anyone but himself. He has never had that as we have been together since we were 18. We have two small children and I think we should try to work it out. We attended marriage counseling last week and he has agreed to go back. But he says only because he thinks it’s the only way to get divorced peacefully. At this point I’m not sure what to do. He says he no longer loves me and just feels sorry for me because I still love him. I apologize for the long post. I’m just struggling with the decision to let him go and start the healing process or keep fighting. Has anyone else been in this situation? Any prayers are appreciated.
 
P

pjharrison

Guest
#18
I think that all you can do is ask God to help. If your husband is seeing someone else, let him go. You'll find someone else who will love you. You can't make someone love you. If he is not seeing someone else, then there is hope.
 

OneFaith

Senior Member
Sep 5, 2016
2,148
312
83
#19
I am currently struggling with a major life decision. Do I keep trying to save a marriage my husband doesn’t want to be in or do I let go and get divorced. We have been married for 10 years now. He says we have grown into different people and I no longer make him happy. Nor does he think he will ever be happy in our marriage. Regardless if things are changed. He goes out every night and now does not come home. He still provides financially as he says he “feels bad” for hurting me. In the beginning I was angry and was ready to give up. But then I started really praying and decided I wanted to fight for my marriage. But how do you fight for a marriage your spouse doesn’t want? He is enjoying being single and not having to worry about anyone but himself. He has never had that as we have been together since we were 18. We have two small children and I think we should try to work it out. We attended marriage counseling last week and he has agreed to go back. But he says only because he thinks it’s the only way to get divorced peacefully. At this point I’m not sure what to do. He says he no longer loves me and just feels sorry for me because I still love him. I apologize for the long post. I’m just struggling with the decision to let him go and start the healing process or keep fighting. Has anyone else been in this situation? Any prayers are appreciated.
I take he's not a Christian. If you were both christians you stay together- Jesus only gives one reason for divorce- adultery. If he is not a Christian and wants to leave, let him go- the bible says you are not bound in such circumstances.
 
Sep 3, 2016
1,718
83
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#20
God looks at the sacrifice only (Jesus, His beloved Son in whom He is please). The number one reason why marriages are failing is because each spouse sees each other instead of Jesus (Gal. 2:20-21 / Romans 8:2). Spiritual adultery is faith in anything other than Christ and the Cross of Calvary where the victory was won.