Special needs adult placement question?

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Superglue

New member
Sep 2, 2019
9
4
3
#1
Where do most special needs adults go after their parents die off & family can’t take them. Also even if they did go with family eventually if they outlive them where could they go after that. Does the state take over? Are there programs or homes? Does the state pay since I assume it would be expensive. My brother in law is 26yrs old his parents are 67 & 69yrs old. His mom had him later in life. She was already looking to place him with my husband& I five yrs ago because she wants to make sure the fit is good before she dies off even though they are both healthy now. Since I take care of my disabled husband when I’m not working full time this was impossible for me so I said I could not. He also has numerous medical issues that arise suddenly & has a special Dr assigned to him a good hr+ drive away. There is also a chance he could eventually end up with Leukemia. Any ideas?
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
70,684
9,408
113
#2
He needs to go to a specialized care home, where he is taken care of 24/7..
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
37,127
14,148
113
67
Tennessee
#3
Where do most special needs adults go after their parents die off & family can’t take them. Also even if they did go with family eventually if they outlive them where could they go after that. Does the state take over? Are there programs or homes? Does the state pay since I assume it would be expensive. My brother in law is 26yrs old his parents are 67 & 69yrs old. His mom had him later in life. She was already looking to place him with my husband& I five yrs ago because she wants to make sure the fit is good before she dies off even though they are both healthy now. Since I take care of my disabled husband when I’m not working full time this was impossible for me so I said I could not. He also has numerous medical issues that arise suddenly & has a special Dr assigned to him a good hr+ drive away. There is also a chance he could eventually end up with Leukemia. Any ideas?
That is an excellent question. The sad truth is that many will end up homeless and simply die off due to neglect as there are not enough state or federal funds, facilities, and skilled care givers to provide for all of those that are aged, alone, and isolated.

I took care of my late disabled second wife for years too while working full-time. At the end, due to her rapidly declining health I could not take care of her anymore but I was fortunate to be able to place her in an excellent skilled care nursing home provided by the state where she spent the last 1 1/2 years of her life.

You can only do so much so you will have to rely on the providence of God as to the continual care of your brother-in-law. On some matters, regardless of the importance or urgency, the most that you can do is pray, let go, and let God.
 

Superglue

New member
Sep 2, 2019
9
4
3
#4
He needs to go to a specialized care home, where he is taken care of 24/7..
Yeah, that’s what I thought but when I mentioned it my husband he said he know his mother would never want him to go to a home but with one of his brothers only. I told him it may come to a time where that may have to happen but I found no info online to even begin to show him a home or a center that even exists. I feel like his mom would be offended if I even bring up the idea.
 

Superglue

New member
Sep 2, 2019
9
4
3
#5
That is an excellent question. The sad truth is that many will end up homeless and simply die off due to neglect as there are not enough state or federal funds, facilities, and skilled care givers to provide for all of those that are aged, alone, and isolated.

I took care of my late disabled second wife for years too while working full-time. At the end, due to her rapidly declining health I could not take care of her anymore but I was fortunate to be able to place her in an excellent skilled care nursing home provided by the state where she spent the last 1 1/2 years of her life.

You can only do so much so you will have to rely on the providence of God as to the continual care of your brother-in-law. On some matters, regardless of the importance or urgency, the most that you can do is pray, let go, and let God.[/QUOT
 

Superglue

New member
Sep 2, 2019
9
4
3
#6
Thank you. At least now I know it is possible. Glad you found care. So sad. Do you think it’s my place to even bring up a home to my mother in law even though I know I will be frowned upon. We get along great. She might get upset after. One brother agreed to take him but is head General store manager of one of the biggest retail stores in out state. He works many long hours with tons of responsibility. I know he literally won’t even be available or have time to properly care for him. His wife only works partime but then all the responsibility will fall on her & I bet she will have to quit her job. She has two kids & is stressed just raising them. He did say if he gets Leukemia they then would no longer be able to handle it. So the next bro said at that point I will take him. He was a fire captain & now is a district manager of numerous fire stations. Again, so busy he won’t even be there for him. Again it all falls on his stay at home wife who already has her hands full with their FIVE kids, some babies. Last brother is not an option since his job sends him moving away every two years to a different state which will not work for keeping his same Dr. plus his wife said no like me. My husband said if in the end he has no where I HAVEto take him & if you don’t let that happen we will have to divorce. We both agree we have a great marriage yet I didn’t know this would even be a possibility until after we married. My husband never thought we would be asked, or even thought of it before until his brother became an adult & it was brought up. Literally my husband can’t take care of him because his injury limits his driving to just an emergency. He is in pain. He knows he can’t admits he can’t but said he can’t leave him homeless. So again I bring up the home. Not an option the family has even considered even as a back up. Even if a brother takes him in. Could the state pay for a care giver all day to be in the home with him? Again I know they don’t want him with anyone other that family BUT he would then at least live with family but while they work have that care giver there. Thanks again.
 
Dec 12, 2013
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#7
My 24 year old son is disabled.....I love him and cannot stand the thought of anyone taking care of him because I know that NO one would do as good a job and or shower him with the same love I do........

This may be selfish....I hope we go together!
 

Superglue

New member
Sep 2, 2019
9
4
3
#8
My 24 year old son is disabled.....I love him and cannot stand the thought of anyone taking care of him because I know that NO one would do as good a job and or shower him with the same love I do........

This may be selfish....I hope we go together!
I don’t think I am replying correctly. I hit reply then the quote comes up & the only place to write is immediately after the quotes last sentence. So, sorry if this is the wrong way. I hope you go with him too. I don’t think it’s selfish. You just know he won’t be as happy & loved after your gone. It’s such a hard thing to think of. 😦
 
Dec 12, 2013
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#9
I don’t think I am replying correctly. I hit reply then the quote comes up & the only place to write is immediately after the quotes last sentence. So, sorry if this is the wrong way. I hope you go with him too. I don’t think it’s selfish. You just know he won’t be as happy & loved after your gone. It’s such a hard thing to think of. 😦
Your response and reply was right and you did it correctly......
 

kaylagrl

Senior Member
Oct 18, 2014
17,650
4,941
113
#10
My 24 year old son is disabled.....I love him and cannot stand the thought of anyone taking care of him because I know that NO one would do as good a job and or shower him with the same love I do........

This may be selfish....I hope we go together!
I believe I would feel the same way. My grandmother took a brain tumor and was sent to a hospice for a short time. I visited her with my father and found her stuck in her wheelchair with her heavy purse twisted around her wrist because she believed someone was going to steal from her. I don't know how long she had held onto it like that. I told my mother and we brought her home to care for her. My fathers brothers did nothing to help. My sister and I, in our late teens at the time, cared for her when my parents had to be away. It was hard because most days she didn't even know us. That was before the days of cell phones. The brothers left everything to my mother to do. My sister and I helped as best we could. Because of radiation she was so swollen that she was around 300 pounds. I would have to try and lift her off the bed and get her into her wheelchair. She was a wonderful Christian lady and I miss her dearly. She stayed in our care till the day she passed. And you know what? As soon as she passed those family members came to my father and asked what they could get of her belongings. He asked my mother what to tell them, and even at my young age I piped up and said "tell them they can have back whatever they gave her!!" No one ever asked about her belongings again. smh

I agree with you, I don't think anyone could care for my loved one the way I could. Blessings on you and your wife for caring for your son. Too many would just walk away and leave the responsibility to someone else. Many children with needs are aborted. It's terribly sad.
 
Dec 12, 2013
46,515
20,372
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#11
I believe I would feel the same way. My grandmother took a brain tumor and was sent to a hospice for a short time. I visited her with my father and found her stuck in her wheelchair with her heavy purse twisted around her wrist because she believed someone was going to steal from her. I don't know how long she had held onto it like that. I told my mother and we brought her home to care for her. My fathers brothers did nothing to help. My sister and I, in our late teens at the time, cared for her when my parents had to be away. It was hard because most days she didn't even know us. That was before the days of cell phones. The brothers left everything to my mother to do. My sister and I helped as best we could. Because of radiation she was so swollen that she was around 300 pounds. I would have to try and lift her off the bed and get her into her wheelchair. She was a wonderful Christian lady and I miss her dearly. She stayed in our care till the day she passed. And you know what? As soon as she passed those family members came to my father and asked what they could get of her belongings. He asked my mother what to tell them, and even at my young age I piped up and said "tell them they can have back whatever they gave her!!" No one ever asked about her belongings again. smh

I agree with you, I don't think anyone could care for my loved one the way I could. Blessings on you and your wife for caring for your son. Too many would just walk away and leave the responsibility to someone else. Many children with needs are aborted. It's terribly sad.
AMEN....I love that little man and would lay my life down for him without batting an eyelid......I have lost two children to the same disease and about a year ago or so he was in Children's hospital for about 26 days in St. Louis and I was there and they had brought him his lunch and he choked on a piece of roast beef and i could see the panic on his face....I ran out of the door and rolled a nurse that was coming in the door and yelled my Son cannot breath and is choking on meat....it cleared the nursing station and they finally got it taken care of and it took him two hours to quit crying and de-stress.....I sat in a chair and freaking cried my eyes out thinking about what could have happened....as a parent I would take his disease, pain, suffering and wished to God he could be normal and healed.....I guarantee that many of my grey hairs are due to worry over that little man...............
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
13,518
4,822
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#12
Sorry I dont know...I think God will find a way for if you pray and ask Him.

I know one lady in church who has a special needs daughter whos in a wheelchair in her 50s, the mum is in her 70s or 80s and lives in a retirement village and visits her daughter who lives in a home not far from the village. She sometimes stays at the village as she has a spare room for her but she doesnt live with her daughter. So there are places but I imagine she would be paying for it and maybe gets a govt subsidy for her care.

If the mum (who is widowed) God forbid dies before the daughter maybe its in her will who will look after her. I think this home is actually a special needs hime with carers and wheelchair friendly. Im sure she thought of it far ahead and checked to make sure its a good home.
 

Superglue

New member
Sep 2, 2019
9
4
3
#13
Sorry I dont know...I think God will find a way for if you pray and ask Him.

I know one lady in church who has a special needs daughter whos in a wheelchair in her 50s, the mum is in her 70s or 80s and lives in a retirement village and visits her daughter who lives in a home not far from the village. She sometimes stays at the village as she has a spare room for her but she doesnt live with her daughter. So there are places but I imagine she would be paying for it and maybe gets a govt subsidy for her care.

If the mum (who is widowed) God forbid dies before the daughter maybe its in her will who will look after her. I think this home is actually a special needs hime with carers and wheelchair friendly. Im sure she thought of it far ahead and checked to make sure its a good home.
Thank you! I now see some hope. At least there are some places. I realize when I was searching online for places I was typing in “special needs” since that is how his family always refer to his condition & also in an attempt to cover all medical issues not realizing I should have been using “disabled adult” or “handicap”. More information came up now that I have reworded my searches.
 

TheLearner

Well-known member
Jan 14, 2019
4,108
718
113
#14
Where do most special needs adults go after their parents die off & family can’t take them. Also even if they did go with family eventually if they outlive them where could they go after that. Does the state take over? Are there programs or homes? Does the state pay since I assume it would be expensive. My brother in law is 26yrs old his parents are 67 & 69yrs old. His mom had him later in life. She was already looking to place him with my husband& I five yrs ago because she wants to make sure the fit is good before she dies off even though they are both healthy now. Since I take care of my disabled husband when I’m not working full time this was impossible for me so I said I could not. He also has numerous medical issues that arise suddenly & has a special Dr assigned to him a good hr+ drive away. There is also a chance he could eventually end up with Leukemia. Any ideas?
Start by contacting a social worker. Ask your Doctor for guidance. Call your local
The Senior Alliance - Area Agency on Aging They will help you with the paperwork and process.
 

Hillfarm

Active member
Sep 11, 2019
126
111
28
#16
Prayers for all.
My uncle was mentally handicapped and his care was left solely up to me before the Lord took him. Its hard for me to stop hurting for you all.
 
T

tasha66

Guest
#17
You need to enlist the help of professionals rather than stressing re all of this. I'm in health care, and this has gone too far for you to deal with. It is starting to encroach on your every day life. As much as you love your family member, sometimes you have to realise that you can't solve every problem, and you need to put your concerns in the hands of experts.
Firstly, see you and/or your BIL's doctor, and have a chat to them.
Secondly, ask to be referred to a social worker who specialises in this area.
Thirdly, if the doctor can't help, contact your nearest social services office or hospital to ask for help.
There are specialised homes that I am aware of, but I don't know where you are so it's hard to give advice when you say you can't find anything on the internet.
I'm no Bible expert, but doesn't God say to put your cares into his hands? Why are you the only one stressing and having to plan all this? It sounds like everybody is just expecting you to take up the 'burden'.
I don't know you and I don't know your circumstances, ie: if you are rich or poor, or you also have kids to care for, etc. But it isn't selfish to say, 'No I can't help, as I have more than I can handle' to others. It sounds like you already have alot on your plate at present. You know yourself what you can or can't handle, so explain this to your in-laws. You are probably getting older too, so it's not a good idea to care for someone who might be a bigger challenge than you think. Knowing & visiting someone with special needs, is very, VERY different to caring for them.
Hope this helps a wee bit :)
 

Hillfarm

Active member
Sep 11, 2019
126
111
28
#18
I have no real advice to offer, only love and support, but the comments here, seem excellent to me.
May God grant you the wisdom and knowledge to do his will, regarding this issue, and peace of mind that will come with His decision.
May God bless you and yours.
 

1ofthem

Senior Member
Mar 30, 2016
3,385
1,731
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#19
I specialize in this area, and can tell you there are many programs and options. However, many of these programs have extensive waiting lists. It would be a good idea to contact your local mental health center and ask to speak with a DIDD (Department of Intellectual and Developmental Delay) case manager.

You can also google DIDD waiver and programs in your state to get familiar with some of the waivers and resources available.