Spouse thinks I'm cheating and left and I'm not help

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Oct 29, 2017
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I need help, my husband and I have been married 12 years. In the first 2 years of our marriage I broke his trust and we separated. We were able to reconcile with Gods help and I truly believed our relationship had never been better until he out of the blue tells me he thinks I'm cheating, he doesn't trust me and thinks he never will. He then leaves 3 days later and has been staying with his parents. I've offered him every bit of proof I can to prove I have been a good and faithful wife but he's not interested. He has now told me he wants a divorce, isn't in love with me, doesn't want me and I need to find a way to move on. I DO NOT want our marriage to end. I just don't know what to do or how to get him to turn to me and work on us. He finally told me last week he wanted to date and I was so happy and thankful to God for answering prayers but 24 hours later he tells me never mind. I would do anything to work on us, I just can't give up. Any advice would do wonderful. We have 3 sons together ages 11, 7 and 2.
 
Z

Zi

Guest
#2
Sorry to hear.

I'm not married so I have no advice but I can add you in my prayers.
 
A

Alnmouth

Guest
#4
It comes across to me that the whole cheating assumption is just a cover. Basically he just wants out of the marriage.

Is your husband a Christian? Jesus said divorce is a sin, but then said that divorce can be justified by adultery.

Have you spoken with his parents? Maybe they could offer some insights into what is really on his mind.
 

Nehemiah6

Senior Member
Jul 18, 2017
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#5
I need help, my husband and I have been married 12 years. In the first 2 years of our marriage I broke his trust and we separated.
You say you broke his trust. Does that mean that you were unfaithful? And if trust was broken, it is not easy to restore.
We were able to reconcile with Gods help and I truly believed our relationship had never been better until he out of the blue tells me he thinks I'm cheating
Are you in situations where you are in contact with other men? Are you in a job where you have to communicate with other men? Do you both have friends where the other husbands make advances? These could all be factors in this situation.

If so you should tell your husband that you will quit your job, and will avoid any men who could be making advances. Which could mean breaking off with some people you have been friends with.
he doesn't trust me and thinks he never will.
If that is the case and it seems to be final, then there is not much you can do.
I would do anything to work on us, I just can't give up.
It is not a question of you giving up, but that he has already given up. On the other hand, if he has hooked up with someone else, and is using his mistrust as an excuse to break off, then that is another issue altogether.

Since you have not said anything about you both being born-again Christians, that is probably the first priority. The only possibility is if he is willing to sit down with you and a spiritual counselor (s) to address this matter, and you both deal with your relationship to God and Christ. That is where the focus should be.
 

BillG

Senior Member
Feb 15, 2017
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#6
Before I post my response I just want to say that I am not trained in counselling.

I could be be wrong but it seems to me that when you say you broke his trust you are in fact saying you had an affair.
I could be wrong but that is the only assumption I can make.

You say that you were able to reconcile with God’s help but do not say what that help was.

If my assumption is correct what help was offered?

If the correct help and counselling was not offered then it’s possible more damage could have been caused.

To me there seems to be 2 scenarios here.

First is that he actually wants out of the marriage and is using what happened as an excuse.

Second is that process of reconciliation.

If the process has not dealt with the issues that have arisen as a result of what happened then all we have is a powder keg waiting to explode.

The issues being hurt, pain, anger, resentment, bitterness, mistrust and so on.

If reconciliation is based purely on because you have to then all of the above will create a harvest that will grow and grow until it takes over.

If that is the case then your husband has had 10 years of all that stuff just getting bigger and bigger and all he can see is what happened. The devil has a foothold and if it’s not removed then the chains get tighter and tighter.

I have made an observation here and it’s just an observation. You have been married 12 years, in the first 2 years you broke his trust (you don’t say when and for how long) Your eldest boy is 11, did that raise any questions in his mind and if so was it discussed? Please don’t think I am insinuating that your eldest is not his but I am trying think how I would have reacted and thought.

If all of the stuff I mention has not been dealt with (and I’m not talking about mere aknowledgement) then your husbands emotions and thoughts and actions are going to be all over the place.

Last week he wants a date then later says don’t worry about it.
At one moment he is in the right place and probably as a result of his emotions have settled but then they play havoc in his life and he can’t cope So backs off.

If this is the case then no matter what you say and what you do to prove it will make any difference.
The hurt and pains and mistrust etc are so buried and now control him he will not see past them.

Please do not take anything I am saying as condemnation but just giving my thoughts and what could be happening.

I was engaged to a Christian girl. Before we got married I found out that she had smooched with a guy (kissed and fondled)
I was angry, hurt and so on. I watched her like a hawk. In the end I broke the engagement. People in the chruch and came alongside.

Two things I remember.
Not one person ever asked me what I was going through. And she never said sorry but made excuses and promised it wouldn’t happen again.

We tried to make it work and even during this time it became very apparent that she had started to form a relationship with a male colleague at work. I ended up thinking this.

”Ok we will get married, have kids then get divorced, at least I will see the kids at weekends”
I eventually with finality broke it off.

I carried the scars of what happened and for a long time I could not form a relationship with someone I thought I could.
Every time I got close to a lady and realised that she was getting close to me I ran a mile.

I was like this and I wasn’t even married.

As I said it’s just my observations and and hoping to give some insight as to what may be happening.

Regardless of either situation that I have given my thoughts on, there is one I know.

There is hope in the Jesus.

Our Father promises to work good in all our circumstances. That doesn’t mean he will alway make bad circumstances good but whatever circumstances we are in he works good in.

Through that he conforms us to the image of Jesus.

I hope my post does not upset you.

Jesus we pray for restoration here.

Firstly I pray for restoration of Stella and her husband. Restoration within their own lives.
Where healing is needed bring healing, where forgviness is needed bring forgiveness, where any chains bind break them in the name of Jesus.

Conform them to the image of Jesus.

And I pray through all of this you restore their marriage.

Jesus I pray this in your name.
 
Oct 29, 2017
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#7
I've asked him a 100 different ways if there is someone else, he just tells me no. I've spoken to his mom but she just said she told him that he's the only one that knows how he feels and that he needs to be sure. I feel like I'm standing on a ledge and the only one fighting for our marriage. It seems I just can't get through to him and he doesn't want me to. How do I save my marriage?
 
Oct 29, 2017
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#8
When I say I broke his trust, I kissed another man and emotionally connected to him. There was nothing beyond kissing but that did enough damage on its own. I work from home and have our youngest son everyday, all day. He has access to everything I have and when he surprises me by coming home from work early I pass his inspections. I thought that was what he needed to know I was being faithful so I never said anything and let him do what he needed for us. I would love to go to counseling but he won't go.
 
Oct 29, 2017
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#9
Thank you for your post. I didn't sleep with anyone else but I did kiss and emotionally confide in someone else. I have apologized countless times and I do truly know that was the biggest mistake I've ever made. It's definitely one of those if I had a time machine moments... I have tried to prove to him over the year I value him and our relationship most. He has never questioned if our boys were his and I no they are bc there was never a sexual relationship with anyone else. We did seek. Counseling for awhile when we got back together. I was felt like she was for him and not us. But my husband liked her so I always went to prove I wanted us. I do think he cans scars that weren't dealt with properly but that's of course in hindsight now. I really didn't see this coming. I truly thought things were on the right track. I just want him to work on the issues he's having and let me help. I do not want a divorce at all.
 
A

Alnmouth

Guest
#10
It gives me no pleasure to say that your marriage is almost certainly over. Your husband wants out of the marriage, and you are not going to change his mind.

If he is a Christian, then he should accept that he does not have grounds to divorce you, as he has no evidence that you cheated on him. However recognising that would not make him start loving you again.

It seems to me that you need a miracle. I hope that one comes your way.
 

Prov910

Senior Member
Jan 10, 2017
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#11
Of course we know nothing more about the situation that what you wrote in the first post of this thread. But it's a bit surprising that a fellow of his age would move back in with his parents. (Presumably he's at least in his 30s, given 12 years of marriage. Maybe older.) The fact he moved back in with his parents points raises the possibility of some immaturity on his part.

Are his parents reasonable people? Perhaps *they* should talk to their son about being a man—a Christian man.
 

violakat

Senior Member
Apr 23, 2014
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#12
The only thing you can do at this point is pray. God can change people's minds. However, sometimes this comes through a lot of heart ache. If you put your trust in God, be completely prepared for the battle that will be put in your path. And be prepared, that he may never change his mind, especially if he's not a Christian.

I do want to ask if you are currently attending a church. If not, then find one, especially one that will pray for your and counsel you on this journey. Seek out your Christian friends and ask them to pray for you and your husband. And whatever you say or do, don't bash him to them, or let them bash your husband.
 

spunkycat08

Senior Member
Dec 7, 2013
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#13
Thank you for your post. I didn't sleep with anyone else but I did kiss and emotionally confide in someone else. I have apologized countless times and I do truly know that was the biggest mistake I've ever made. It's definitely one of those if I had a time machine moments... I have tried to prove to him over the year I value him and our relationship most. He has never questioned if our boys were his and I no they are bc there was never a sexual relationship with anyone else. We did seek. Counseling for awhile when we got back together. I was felt like she was for him and not us. But my husband liked her so I always went to prove I wanted us. I do think he cans scars that weren't dealt with properly but that's of course in hindsight now. I really didn't see this coming. I truly thought things were on the right track. I just want him to work on the issues he's having and let me help. I do not want a divorce at all.
What you did was cheating.
 

Tommy379

Senior Member
Jan 12, 2016
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#14
This is why Jesus said we can divorce because of adultery. It's hard to get past. Too hard for mortal man to deal with.
 

Dan58

Senior Member
Nov 13, 2013
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#15
He has now told me he wants a divorce, isn't in love with me, doesn't want me and I need to find a way to move on.
When I say I broke his trust, I kissed another man and emotionally connected to him.
If love and trust are gone, there isn't much to save.. You can work on arguments, disagreements, etc, but when you lose faith in a spouse, its a disheartening experience that's difficult if not impossible to repair. Nothing diminishes your love for someone more than when they give their affections to someone else. It just really pops your bubble, and it sounds like it caused him to grow apart from you, to the point where he no longer loves you.. jmo
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
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#16
During this separation were you unfaithful? The separation in itself is not a sign of unfaithfulness. Regardless, it is obvious that whatever the cause it was resolved so is no longer an issue. It appears that he is looking for an excuse to leave you by accusing you of cheating. That is a serious thing saying that he doesn't love you or need you. I do caution you by saying that you should not be doing anything to get things to work out, only do what God is telling you to do. From your post I would conclude that in your husband's mind the marriage is over and that he wants his freedom so you should prepare yourself to move forward in your life without him. There are others in similar marital situations on this site so please know that you're not alone.
 

Dino246

Senior Member
Jun 30, 2015
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#17
What you did was cheating.
I agree, but it was not committing adultery. Given what has been shared, the husband does not have biblical grounds to end the marriage. Separation, perhaps, if there is a plan for reconciliation, but not divorce.
 

oldethennew

Senior Member
Feb 28, 2016
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#19
for whatever reason, YOU chose to 'dis-honor' your 'MARRIAGE VOWS', you are The Cheater!
what in the world do you expect a 'faithful' spouse to do??? wait around until the 'next-time',
things aren't going 'your way' and make this an excuse to 'betray' once 'again'???

we all have our 'limits' and if we are 'truly Christians', we can 'forgive', but not forget'...
if he wants, decides, to 'move-on', who can blame him???
 
Oct 30, 2017
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#20
You still have not answered the most important question, are you both born again christians?