Struggling with sick, embarrassing memories

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Apr 30, 2014
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#1
When I was younger, I was molested by a cousin. As I got older, and this is really hard to say, I started to develop a horrible view of sex. I really hate saying this but here it goes... at a young age, I started viewing porn and ended up discovering beastiality. Before I go any further, I'm in no way attracted to animals or anything. This is nothing that has happened recently. I am a born again Christian and I no longer look at those things nor do I want to and I didn't have a desire to at the time.

When I was a teenager, I did something very sickening by letting one of my old pets smell my private area and as a child, I was humped by one of our dogs... I AM NOT at all proud to say this. Looking at who I am now, I wish I would've never did that. I wish I never discovered these things, I wish I was never molested, and I wish I could take back the things I saw. I know this is very demented and I apologize. I have not for a second thought about going back to these things. They just haunt me now and I've had voices in my head telling me to commit suicide but I'm a Christian and would never do that. I hope you are still able to talk to me after this as it was very hard for me to come to you with this. My flashbacks are centered around what happened with my pet and it's been killing me. I want to take it all back..........
 
Feb 7, 2015
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#2
Hi Gemmy. More than happy to have you here. You just stumbled on a bunch of us who have just as many, if not more, memories that also nip at our heels, no matter how fast we run.
 

Adstar

Senior Member
Jul 24, 2016
2,975
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#3
You are welcome here Gemmy.. I hope your time here is a blessing to you.. Be assured that all of that sin is covered now by the Atonement of the LORD Jesus Christ as you believe Jesus and trust in what He did to redeem you then you should let the past go as much as you can and turn to Jesus in prayer when ever those old images start to interfere with your mind..

I am sure others who are reading on will also pray for you Gemmy... May you be blessed..
 
Apr 30, 2014
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#4
Thank you so much. I hope I haven't scared anyone with this post...I'm not at all proud of these things. It really bothers me. I've been crying a lot over these things. I always say to myself what would my family and friends think if they knew this. It hurts me so bad. It's hard to accept I've been forgiven because these thoughts really torment me.
 
Feb 7, 2015
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#5
Thank you so much. I hope I haven't scared anyone with this post...I'm not at all proud of these things. It really bothers me. I've been crying a lot over these things. I always say to myself what would my family and friends think if they knew this. It hurts me so bad. It's hard to accept I've been forgiven because these thoughts really torment me.
Not a problem, at all. Some of us put up with a lot of the legalistic nonsense in here just because we know that every now and then real people come by who need our help.
 
Dec 28, 2016
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#6
God cast your sins in the sea. They're as far away as the East is from the West.
 

G00WZ

Senior Member
May 16, 2014
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#7
When I was younger, I was molested by a cousin. As I got older, and this is really hard to say, I started to develop a horrible view of sex. I really hate saying this but here it goes... at a young age, I started viewing porn and ended up discovering beastiality. Before I go any further, I'm in no way attracted to animals or anything. This is nothing that has happened recently. I am a born again Christian and I no longer look at those things nor do I want to and I didn't have a desire to at the time.

When I was a teenager, I did something very sickening by letting one of my old pets smell my private area and as a child, I was humped by one of our dogs... I AM NOT at all proud to say this. Looking at who I am now, I wish I would've never did that. I wish I never discovered these things, I wish I was never molested, and I wish I could take back the things I saw. I know this is very demented and I apologize. I have not for a second thought about going back to these things. They just haunt me now and I've had voices in my head telling me to commit suicide but I'm a Christian and would never do that. I hope you are still able to talk to me after this as it was very hard for me to come to you with this. My flashbacks are centered around what happened with my pet and it's been killing me. I want to take it all back..........

We all make mistakes, stuff happens, and that is in the past, and it is dead, accept it as such... And if you have repented of it God will forget the sin. Sometimes memories of the past will try to remind you of who you were in sin, and it will even try to pin itself to your identity as who you are now...constantly thinking on things of the past make you alive to them, and it will cause a grief, instead accept the forgiveness given, and just agree to who God says you are in Christ... be rid of that old stuff and be new every day.
 
Jan 12, 2018
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#8
When I was younger, I was molested by a cousin. As I got older, and this is really hard to say, I started to develop a horrible view of sex. I really hate saying this but here it goes... at a young age, I started viewing porn and ended up discovering beastiality. Before I go any further, I'm in no way attracted to animals or anything. This is nothing that has happened recently. I am a born again Christian and I no longer look at those things nor do I want to and I didn't have a desire to at the time.

When I was a teenager, I did something very sickening by letting one of my old pets smell my private area and as a child, I was humped by one of our dogs... I AM NOT at all proud to say this. Looking at who I am now, I wish I would've never did that. I wish I never discovered these things, I wish I was never molested, and I wish I could take back the things I saw. I know this is very demented and I apologize. I have not for a second thought about going back to these things. They just haunt me now and I've had voices in my head telling me to commit suicide but I'm a Christian and would never do that. I hope you are still able to talk to me after this as it was very hard for me to come to you with this. My flashbacks are centered around what happened with my pet and it's been killing me. I want to take it all back..........
Leviticus 20:15-16 NIV
“ 'If a man has sexual relations with an animal, he is to be put to death, and you must kill the animal. [16] “ 'If a woman approaches an animal to have sexual relations with it, kill both the woman and the animal. They are to be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads.
 

abcdef

Senior Member
Mar 30, 2016
2,522
43
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#9
Thank you so much. I hope I haven't scared anyone with this post...I'm not at all proud of these things. It really bothers me. I've been crying a lot over these things. I always say to myself what would my family and friends think if they knew this. It hurts me so bad. It's hard to accept I've been forgiven because these thoughts really torment me.
Hi Gemmy,

Many terrible things happen to us and those that we love. War, sickness, pain, guilt.

Probably the best advice that I can give you is to try not to make any more mistakes that bring heartbreak and guilt. Especially, don't make the same mistakes over again.

These things that we do, we will always remember, good or bad.

We have to stop, making bad memories, and keep making good decisions, good memories. Ones that bring joy, instead of pain, sorrow, and guilt.

You can't change the past now. If you look back, don't let the past ruin your future. Live and learn, like we all have to.

You are not the first person to make a terrible decision, ALL of us have.

But don't let your bad decision of the past, ruin the rest of your decisions in the future.

----

Set your mind on the good things that bring joy, helping others, kindness, giving.

Fill your life with kindness to people, the past will fade, and not be so painful.
 
T

Tinuviel

Guest
#10
God brings sins to our mind that we may confess and turn from them. It is an active thing, a productive thing. It is the way He works. When you are immobilize by an already confessed sin, feeling like you need to crawl into a corner, you can be sure that it is God's enemy Satan who is throwing them up at you, very likely to try and hinder your relationship with your Heavenly Father. Pray against that and try to MOVE the way God intended. Always looking to Him for strength.
 
Jan 12, 2018
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#11
Thank you so much. I hope I haven't scared anyone with this post...I'm not at all proud of these things. It really bothers me. I've been crying a lot over these things. I always say to myself what would my family and friends think if they knew this. It hurts me so bad. It's hard to accept I've been forgiven because these thoughts really torment me.
If Christians are scared of your sins, then they wouldn't be real Christian's.
 

Dan58

Senior Member
Nov 13, 2013
1,820
110
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#12
Guilt is a terrible thing if you allow it to fester. Remember that your born again, a new person in Christ, that old man and the memories are dead. Just as Jesus asked the adulteress; "Woman, where are those thine accusers?" (John 8:10). Beating yourself up over past failures creates a hopelessness that our adversary likes to lay on us. Satan is our accuser, but "The accuser of our brethren is cast down" (Revelation 12:10). Sometimes the hardest person to forgive is yourself, but you can let go and have faith that Christ has cleansed you of your past deeds. We've all got skeletons in the closet, but just lock the closet, don't be defeated by the past, leave it behind and move forward just like Peter did after he denied Christ 3 times. I believe that even Judas could have found redemption if he wasn't wracked with guilt... jmo
 
Nov 23, 2016
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#13
When I was younger, I was molested by a cousin. As I got older, and this is really hard to say, I started to develop a horrible view of sex. I really hate saying this but here it goes... at a young age, I started viewing porn and ended up discovering beastiality. Before I go any further, I'm in no way attracted to animals or anything. This is nothing that has happened recently. I am a born again Christian and I no longer look at those things nor do I want to and I didn't have a desire to at the time.

When I was a teenager, I did something very sickening by letting one of my old pets smell my private area and as a child, I was humped by one of our dogs... I AM NOT at all proud to say this. Looking at who I am now, I wish I would've never did that. I wish I never discovered these things, I wish I was never molested, and I wish I could take back the things I saw. I know this is very demented and I apologize. I have not for a second thought about going back to these things. They just haunt me now and I've had voices in my head telling me to commit suicide but I'm a Christian and would never do that. I hope you are still able to talk to me after this as it was very hard for me to come to you with this. My flashbacks are centered around what happened with my pet and it's been killing me. I want to take it all back..........
You are loved deeply Gemmy. Put the past behind you and leave it there. It does not define you. If Jesus stood before you in the flesh, He would hug you firmly until all your tears were spent ... and all your shame vanished. AND ... this is the best part ... He remembers our sin no more. Don't despair any further dear soul.

Lamentations 3:22-23

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;

His mercies never come to an end;

they are new every morning;

great is Your faithfulness.
 
Apr 30, 2014
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#14
I thank you all for your kind words. I'm healing from this pain. It was not easy to post this post but I had to do it because I was on the verge of a breakdown.
 
Feb 7, 2015
22,418
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#15
I thank you all for your kind words. I'm healing from this pain. It was not easy to post this post but I had to do it because I was on the verge of a breakdown.
This is always a place you can come to talk and unload some of that burden.
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
63,037
1,846
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#16
ALL dogs sniff people's crotches.. They even sniff each other's buttholes. It's their way of greeting each other.. And every single one of us has had a leg humped by a dog at some point in our lives.. :) So just stop tormenting yourself over it...


When I was younger, I was molested by a cousin. As I got older, and this is really hard to say, I started to develop a horrible view of sex. I really hate saying this but here it goes... at a young age, I started viewing porn and ended up discovering beastiality. Before I go any further, I'm in no way attracted to animals or anything. This is nothing that has happened recently. I am a born again Christian and I no longer look at those things nor do I want to and I didn't have a desire to at the time.

When I was a teenager, I did something very sickening by letting one of my old pets smell my private area and as a child, I was humped by one of our dogs... I AM NOT at all proud to say this. Looking at who I am now, I wish I would've never did that. I wish I never discovered these things, I wish I was never molested, and I wish I could take back the things I saw. I know this is very demented and I apologize. I have not for a second thought about going back to these things. They just haunt me now and I've had voices in my head telling me to commit suicide but I'm a Christian and would never do that. I hope you are still able to talk to me after this as it was very hard for me to come to you with this. My flashbacks are centered around what happened with my pet and it's been killing me. I want to take it all back..........
 
Oct 24, 2017
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#17
I thank you all for your kind words. I'm healing from this pain. It was not easy to post this post but I had to do it because I was on the verge of a breakdown.
Hope you will heal, you are in my prayers
 
Apr 30, 2014
66
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#18
ALL dogs sniff people's crotches.. They even sniff each other's buttholes. It's their way of greeting each other.. And every single one of us has had a leg humped by a dog at some point in our lives.. :) So just stop tormenting yourself over it...
It wasn't so much I was sniffed, it was the Manor in which it happened that bothers me. I know I'm forgiven though and I do realize it's time for me to move on as these things happened nearly a decade ago.
 
D

Depleted

Guest
#19
When I was younger, I was molested by a cousin. As I got older, and this is really hard to say, I started to develop a horrible view of sex. I really hate saying this but here it goes... at a young age, I started viewing porn and ended up discovering beastiality. Before I go any further, I'm in no way attracted to animals or anything. This is nothing that has happened recently. I am a born again Christian and I no longer look at those things nor do I want to and I didn't have a desire to at the time.

When I was a teenager, I did something very sickening by letting one of my old pets smell my private area and as a child, I was humped by one of our dogs... I AM NOT at all proud to say this. Looking at who I am now, I wish I would've never did that. I wish I never discovered these things, I wish I was never molested, and I wish I could take back the things I saw. I know this is very demented and I apologize. I have not for a second thought about going back to these things. They just haunt me now and I've had voices in my head telling me to commit suicide but I'm a Christian and would never do that. I hope you are still able to talk to me after this as it was very hard for me to come to you with this. My flashbacks are centered around what happened with my pet and it's been killing me. I want to take it all back..........
Do you know why people get addicted to heroin? Because they tried it once, and it was a very good high. It made them feel so good for that one moment, that they keep trying for it again and again all in search of that first high. BUT, it's never as good as that first time, and there is a whole bunch of bad experiences they have that tell them to stop, except they're stuck trying to get that first high again. There was a moments pleasure, and they want that part, and that part alone, again.

That's what truly stinks about being sexually assaulted. And, I've been raped, so don't think I'm talking about easy stuff either. In all the memories I have of that night, 99.99% of it was "never ever, ever wanted it happen. Didn't like it. Downright hated it. Angry. Rage. Defeated. Hopeless. Useless. Less than I was before it happened." BUT, thanks to the way our body is made, there is this one "deviant" memory too. My body was aroused, and arousal is good. It was like that first hit of heroin-high.

I did something you haven't yet. I got counseling to deal with all that happened. Because of that, I'm no longer beating myself up mentally, emotionally, physically, or spiritually.

You've built yourself up quite a loop of contrasting thoughts/feelings/emotions. You've spent years spiraling the bad side of that circle. Picture it something like a wheel. One side is heavily weighted down with the bad stuff, and each time you circle it again, you've been adding to that. What's that wheel going to do?

Crash!

It's time to get counseling to balance out. Better yet, to stop looping over what happened, so you don't keep adding to the bad stuff in your head.
 

BillG

Senior Member
Feb 15, 2017
5,245
700
113
#20
Isaiah 43:25
25 “I, even I, am He who blots out your transgressions for My own sake;
And I will not remember your sins.

Psalms 103:12
12 As far as the east is from the west,
So far has He removed our transgressions from us.

2 Corinthians 5:17
17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.

Romans 8:1
Life Through the Spirit
1 Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,

God tells us that he remembers our sins no more.
He removes then as far as the East is from the West.
In Christ you are a new creation.
Therefore the is now no condemnation.

If you are feeling condemnation it does not come from God.
It comes from the one who desires to rob you of your walk with God and the joy of your salvation.

Stand firm against your accuser and speak the truth above.

You cannot change your past but God works in your past to change your future.

Romans 8:28-30
28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. 29 For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. 30 And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.


God can help you to forgive yourself and give you the strength to stand firm.

Can I ask, have you forgiven your abuser?