The church has torn my husband and I apart

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Paige_L

New member
Oct 5, 2019
10
10
3
#1
My husband and I have recently started going back to his childhood church. After we got married my husband told me that we would try a couple different churches to find the right fit for us, after attending 2 different churches he decided he wanted to attend his old church, I told him I wasn't comfortable with that and wanted to keep looking for our church but he told me he would attend his old church and I could find a church on my own. We were newly married and I feel like attending church with my husband is important. After a couple months at his church I have grown weary, I don't believe in their interpretation of the Bible or some of the things that happen in the church, I also want to attend a church where we can get involved in life groups (his church has a very small congregation of about 50 people who are quite a bit older than us, except for his ex girlfriend who is the only woman close to my age). I've talked to my husband about finding a new church together as he refuses. He told me he wants a post nup where I agree that he will take our future children to his church. He also tells me that I need to submit to him since he is the head of the household and my leader.
Since the church is so extreme and goes against my Christian beliefs it makes me very uncomfortable to attend and the thought of losing my children to his church worries me.

Do I lose my marriage in order to save my faith or do I blindly submit to my husband?
 

CharliRenee

Member
Staff member
Nov 4, 2014
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#2
Well, it is important to submit to your husband, but also reasonable for him to take into consideration your concerns. I would ask him to help you understand why he feels that strongly about that particular church. Perhaps you two could seek counsel.

Since the church is so extreme and goes against my Christian beliefs it makes me very uncomfortable to attend and the thought of losing my children to his church worries...it is hard to know what you are concerned about with regards to the church you are so opposed to.

Honestly, I look forward to reading others input because I really don't have enough info to know how to answer.... submitting to your husband is important, but if it goes against Gods will, the church that is...i just don't know.

Hmmmm, 🤔🥴
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
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#3
Do I lose my marriage in order to save my faith or do I blindly submit to my husband?
Apparently your husband is a control freak and I see nothing but mental anguish for you. The thing about being submissive to your husband does not mean that you are his own personal slave and must wait on him for his every whim and desire. Based on your post I would say that your husband is probably biblically and spiritually naïve. That X in his church is not a good thing at all. I wonder if that played a part is his insistence that this is the church that you both will attend including, God forbid, future children. In regards to your question, the former rather than later might be the sensible approach.
 

Paige_L

New member
Oct 5, 2019
10
10
3
#4
Well, it is important to submit to your husband, but also reasonable for him to take into consideration your concerns. I would ask him to help you understand why he feels that strongly about that particular church. Perhaps you two could seek counsel.

Since the church is so extreme and goes against my Christian beliefs it makes me very uncomfortable to attend and the thought of losing my children to his church worries...it is hard to know what you are concerned about with regards to the church you are so opposed to.

Honestly, I look forward to reading others input because I really don't have enough info to know how to answer.... submitting to your husband is important, but if it goes against Gods will, the church that is...i just don't know.

Hmmmm, 🤔🥴

I left the denomination of the church out because I didn't want to offend anyone who was that denomination.

I don't want to cast any judgements on this denomination I was just raised and believe different things.
I was raised Lutheran but I've always been open to attend other denominations. My husband is pentacostal and attends an extreme assembly of God church.
I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with people who attend a church like that, I just don't speak in tounges or fall out. There is a lot of yelling and screaming and toungues and falling out during the service and I personally don't feel comfortable with that.
 

CharliRenee

Member
Staff member
Nov 4, 2014
4,787
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#5
I left the denomination of the church out because I didn't want to offend anyone who was that denomination.

I don't want to cast any judgements on this denomination I was just raised and believe different things.
I was raised Lutheran but I've always been open to attend other denominations. My husband is pentacostal and attends an extreme assembly of God church.
I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with people who attend a church like that, I just don't speak in tounges or fall out. There is a lot of yelling and screaming and toungues and falling out during the service and I personally don't feel comfortable with that.
Oh I can understand the difference in denominations being significant. I will definitely be praying for you two.

I think that you should be able to find a church that both of you would like, maybe a Baptist church or a non denominational?

Did you two discuss these things before getting married?
 

Paige_L

New member
Oct 5, 2019
10
10
3
#6
Oh I can understand the difference in denominations being significant. I will definitely be praying for you two.

I think that you should be able to find a church that both of you would like, maybe a Baptist church or a non denominational?

Did you two discuss these things before getting married?

Thank you so much for the prayers.

We had decided to go to a nondenominational church when we were dating as engaged. We even became members at a church, but then we moved ( due to his work) and we are now closer to his family and his childhood church.
I'm not sure if the change happened after talking to his father (who is very active in an assembly of God church). His father is very controlling of his mother and I'm worried if he had been influencing him to go back to a Pentecostal church and reminding him that I should be submissive. I'm pretty strong willed and have my own career, which has rubbed his family the wrong way. :(
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
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#7
I left the denomination of the church out because I didn't want to offend anyone who was that denomination.

I don't want to cast any judgements on this denomination I was just raised and believe different things.
I was raised Lutheran but I've always been open to attend other denominations. My husband is pentacostal and attends an extreme assembly of God church.
I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with people who attend a church like that, I just don't speak in tounges or fall out. There is a lot of yelling and screaming and toungues and falling out during the service and I personally don't feel comfortable with that.
I wouldn't feel comfortable in that church setting either. I have attended several Lutheran services, nothing wrong there. Felt very comfortable.
 

Magenta

Senior Member
Jul 3, 2015
27,930
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#8
Paul appeals to the new world order established in Christ: A world where women are no longer dominated by men, but are loved sacrificially; and a world where men are not dominated by women, but submitted to lovingly. Paul turns the husband and the wife toward the way of the new creation in Christ. We are to submit to each other. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. Eph:5:23

No longer is there any privileged party in marriage. (Gal. 3:28)

No longer do husbands serve their own self-interest before their wife’s.

No longer do wives serve their own self-interest before their husband’s.

No longer do husbands control their wives with a top-down authority.

No longer do women have dominance over their husbands.

Instead, husbands radically and counter-culturally love their wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.

How does Christ love the church? And, how did Christ give Himself up for her?

Phil 2:6 Who, being in very nature God,
did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;

7 rather, he made himself nothing
by taking the very nature of a servant,
being made in human likeness.

8 And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
by becoming obedient to death—
even death on a cross!
 

Whispered

Well-known member
Aug 17, 2019
2,222
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www.christiancourier.com
#9
My husband and I have recently started going back to his childhood church. After we got married my husband told me that we would try a couple different churches to find the right fit for us, after attending 2 different churches he decided he wanted to attend his old church, I told him I wasn't comfortable with that and wanted to keep looking for our church but he told me he would attend his old church and I could find a church on my own. We were newly married and I feel like attending church with my husband is important. After a couple months at his church I have grown weary, I don't believe in their interpretation of the Bible or some of the things that happen in the church, I also want to attend a church where we can get involved in life groups (his church has a very small congregation of about 50 people who are quite a bit older than us, except for his ex girlfriend who is the only woman close to my age). I've talked to my husband about finding a new church together as he refuses. He told me he wants a post nup where I agree that he will take our future children to his church. He also tells me that I need to submit to him since he is the head of the household and my leader.
Since the church is so extreme and goes against my Christian beliefs it makes me very uncomfortable to attend and the thought of losing my children to his church worries me.

Do I lose my marriage in order to save my faith or do I blindly submit to my husband?
Well, at least you are being made aware early on as to your husbands intentions toward and for you. And thank God you don't yet have children with him so as to enter into that fight he's forewarned you is coming should you have.

Speaking for myself, and as a married woman for a great many years, you entered your marriage to be a partner, not a slave.
The scriptures tell us when we marry the two become one. Your husband appears not to realize that. He appears to think, according to what you have shared, that you are less than he in matters of rights and place in the relationship.
That's contrary to what God's words tel us should be so in a marriage God anoints with His blessing.

That being said, what I also found concerning in your post is that your husband is set on staying in his old church that he left for some reason before meeting you, and his old girlfriend is still there attending.
And, while he sounds like he's all for you finding a church that fits your needs, he's implied threats toward your independence in that area by now saying he'd like you to sign a post nuptial agreement so that he takes, takes, takes, from you should you not hold to his rules. This would also apply should he decide to divorce you, if you entered into such a contract.
That should have sent up huge red flags! Because now you are married and there he is talking about division of assets, your kids, in a divorce. Which means he's thinking of that for your future. That's a big warning that he's not thinking of staying married forever. He's thinking about how he can benefit over you when you divorce.

The Bible tells us we are not to be married to an unbeliever. That is grounds for divorce. As is infidelity.
I'd say you've been told by your husband that he is not a believer in the manner of faith that includes your future. He wants to hold dominion over you including where and how you worship.

Get out! That's my advice because were it me, I'd write your post after I'd packed up and left. Speaking in past tense as to what should I do and is it wise to consider reconciliation? However, your husband has already told you the answer to those two points. No!
He's the boss!
You didn't marry your boss. You married your equal. Your husband does not believe you are one. He believes you are two and he has dominion over you.
When a husband tells his wife he commands where she worships, she's being told her husband has decided how she see's God, where she will honor God, and how she will hold faith in God.

He's playing God!
That's idolatry and blasphemy.
You didn't sign up for that.
Pardon the pun but, run like Hell!

The man you are meant to find is out there. The man you're with is an example, God bless him, of what NOT to settle for in a relationship.
I bet he didn't act like this while you were dating did he?
When someone shows you who he is, or tells you who he is, believe it! Because no matter who they are, they've been themselves all their life. We come into the picture much later and are only learning who they are by what they show us. And sometimes, all that is an act so as to get us locked into a relationship with them. Once that's assured, the real man comes out. He hides prior to that because deep down he knows, either intuitively or through past experiences with women who fled the real him, that who he really is will not be tolerated when a woman is free to walk away.
Such men think that when a woman is married, she's property and his forever no matter what.
That's when it can get really ugly and really dangerous.

God be with you.
 

Paige_L

New member
Oct 5, 2019
10
10
3
#10
Thank you for the verses and advice and prayers.
Currently he is already moved out, due to disagreements I had with how he spent his time.
We had attempted to reconcile but once I brought up the changes I want with where we go to church he has completely shut down and told me it is his obligation to choose.

I truly thank you for your words of advise which confirmed my feelings. I guess all I need to do is get my live back together on my own.
 

morefaithrequired

Well-known member
Sep 28, 2019
1,697
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#11
My wife doesnt go to Church at all. Now i can hear the gasps and groans already. " you must convert your wife!! "
Actually her point of view keeps me grounded. In case I get too pious. I can get in a very holier than thou mood boring her to death wth my latest theological insights. ( or is that incites?) 😂
So from my perspective different Churches is no barrier. In fact you can compare notes. Get the benefit of both Churches.
Dont see the current situation as an obstacle.
 

Lightskin

Well-known member
Aug 16, 2019
1,549
1,801
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#12
My husband and I have recently started going back to his childhood church. After we got married my husband told me that we would try a couple different churches to find the right fit for us, after attending 2 different churches he decided he wanted to attend his old church, I told him I wasn't comfortable with that and wanted to keep looking for our church but he told me he would attend his old church and I could find a church on my own. We were newly married and I feel like attending church with my husband is important. After a couple months at his church I have grown weary, I don't believe in their interpretation of the Bible or some of the things that happen in the church, I also want to attend a church where we can get involved in life groups (his church has a very small congregation of about 50 people who are quite a bit older than us, except for his ex girlfriend who is the only woman close to my age). I've talked to my husband about finding a new church together as he refuses. He told me he wants a post nup where I agree that he will take our future children to his church. He also tells me that I need to submit to him since he is the head of the household and my leader.
Since the church is so extreme and goes against my Christian beliefs it makes me very uncomfortable to attend and the thought of losing my children to his church worries me.

Do I lose my marriage in order to save my faith or do I blindly submit to my husband?
Your relationship with Jesus Christ comes first; always and forever. Be at peace taking a stance against a congregation that is not biblically sound. Prayers lifted for you.
 

Roughsoul1991

Senior Member
Sep 17, 2016
3,072
630
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#13
My husband and I have recently started going back to his childhood church. After we got married my husband told me that we would try a couple different churches to find the right fit for us, after attending 2 different churches he decided he wanted to attend his old church, I told him I wasn't comfortable with that and wanted to keep looking for our church but he told me he would attend his old church and I could find a church on my own. We were newly married and I feel like attending church with my husband is important. After a couple months at his church I have grown weary, I don't believe in their interpretation of the Bible or some of the things that happen in the church, I also want to attend a church where we can get involved in life groups (his church has a very small congregation of about 50 people who are quite a bit older than us, except for his ex girlfriend who is the only woman close to my age). I've talked to my husband about finding a new church together as he refuses. He told me he wants a post nup where I agree that he will take our future children to his church. He also tells me that I need to submit to him since he is the head of the household and my leader.
Since the church is so extreme and goes against my Christian beliefs it makes me very uncomfortable to attend and the thought of losing my children to his church worries me.

Do I lose my marriage in order to save my faith or do I blindly submit to my husband?
I can relate to the worry of where your kids will go to church. I wasn't much of a Christian even though I grew up in church. I thought I loved Jesus but never knew what it meant to follow. So I got myself into dating a Mormon girl. I didn't think much on it because she attended church with me at a Methodist church. Buy when years went by and it came closer to marriage I felt the topic of kids needed to be addressed on which church to attend. Lucky for me she wasn't much of a Mormon either so didn't mind coming to my church. Long story short we got married and she got baptized a few months ago and we been together for 10 years.

If your marriage was done in a covenant marriage with God then yes you have spouse responsibilities but not any that should separate you from God. So in your eyes your husband doesn't believe as you do and Peter gives advice on this.

1 Peter 3:1-7 New International Version (NIV)
3 Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2 when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. 3 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. 4 Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. 5 For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves. They submitted themselves to their own husbands, 6 like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her lord. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.

It is often said that our actions speak louder than words. And unfortunately this is the spiritual battle you have entered. Does submitting to him within the Biblical guidance of wives submission mean that you are hurt your relationship with God? Here are the list of scripture that explains a wife's role in marriage.

https://www.openbible.info/topics/duties_of_a_wife

You can see that God is still the center of a covenant marriage. Each of you should be looking to follow him first and in him both of you are connected in a triune of love.

Ephesians 5:33 New International Version (NIV)
33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Even though the wife is told to submit to the husband. Scriptures make it clear you are to be seen as equal but with different God designed attributes. For a husband to love you as he loves himself then he should be very willing to hear your thoughts and worries.

This spiritual battle you are in I see multiple options.

1. Give in and go to his church and try to pick your battles. As to I do not know each of your beliefs other than you mentioned Lutheran and Pentecostal or how close each of your beliefs are to the core message of the Bible. Just from the little I know about these denominations I could disagree much on theology but I do believe each are close enough the core message to not be a enemy to the faith.

2. Attend church with him. Pay attention. But go to another church either before or after his church service. Or go to a different church every other week. Or find a church with life groups and attend the group during the week and attend his church on the weekend. I mentioned pay attention because you could ask him questions about theology that could help him see your beliefs on scripture.

If you actually feel his denomination is a enemy to the faith and soul salvation then option 2 is probably best. But if you can just find which battles are worth choosing then option 1 may work out. Granted yall still need to talk and prepare for what are yall going to teach your kids about Jesus. Possibly try and strictly just teach them scripture and later in life all the denominational beliefs they can sort through.
 

morefaithrequired

Well-known member
Sep 28, 2019
1,697
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#14
Pentecostals eh. well my brother is one. there seems to be a bit of prosperity gospel in the one he goes to.
my bias against pentecostals?
emotionalism and not a fan of tongues. seems almost demonic to me. dont like the "rock festival" atmsphere. im more of a traditionalist.
having said that, Australia's Prime Minister is a pentecostal. And I quite like him. He is a good ambassador for them.
 

Noose

Senior Member
Apr 18, 2016
4,527
837
113
#15
My husband and I have recently started going back to his childhood church. After we got married my husband told me that we would try a couple different churches to find the right fit for us, after attending 2 different churches he decided he wanted to attend his old church, I told him I wasn't comfortable with that and wanted to keep looking for our church but he told me he would attend his old church and I could find a church on my own. We were newly married and I feel like attending church with my husband is important. After a couple months at his church I have grown weary, I don't believe in their interpretation of the Bible or some of the things that happen in the church, I also want to attend a church where we can get involved in life groups (his church has a very small congregation of about 50 people who are quite a bit older than us, except for his ex girlfriend who is the only woman close to my age). I've talked to my husband about finding a new church together as he refuses. He told me he wants a post nup where I agree that he will take our future children to his church. He also tells me that I need to submit to him since he is the head of the household and my leader.
Since the church is so extreme and goes against my Christian beliefs it makes me very uncomfortable to attend and the thought of losing my children to his church worries me.

Do I lose my marriage in order to save my faith or do I blindly submit to my husband?
1. Submission to your husband is part of faith; if you love your husband, don't let 'a church' ruin your marriage
2. Try to work it out with your husband but IMO, a church doesn't mean a thing
3. Remember, the whole world is corrupt, it is what is in you that counts. Decision to step out of a corrupt environment is not a solution otherwise we should all step out of this world.

John 17:15My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one.
 

notuptome

Senior Member
May 17, 2013
13,595
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#16
Too many unanswered questions. I only wonder if the attraction to the old church is not the old girlfriend and not so much the church doctrine.

For the cause of Christ
Roger
 

kaylagrl

Senior Member
Oct 18, 2014
14,093
2,027
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#17
Pentecostals eh. well my brother is one. there seems to be a bit of prosperity gospel in the one he goes to.
my bias against pentecostals?
emotionalism and not a fan of tongues. seems almost demonic to me. dont like the "rock festival" atmsphere. im more of a traditionalist.
having said that, Australia's Prime Minister is a pentecostal. And I quite like him. He is a good ambassador for them.
As someone who was raised in the Pentecostal church and who has travled in hundreds of churches I can tell you it is not demonic and I don't appreciate the inferrance. I've been to all denominations and I can tell you there are Baptists, Methodists, Catholics and more who speak in tongues. So it's not just a Pentecostal thing. I attend a church now where the pastor is Pentecostal, some of the congregation is also and some are not. The church demonination isn't Pentecostal. And yet somehow we all attend service together and no one accuses the other of being demon possessed. smh And none of us believe in prosperity gospel, nor does the AofG. It's non demoninational Pentecostals that broke away from the AofG that believe that. The AofG told Benny Hinn to cease and desist teaching that doctrine and many of the other things he was in to. He chose to break away. People have a misunderstanding of Pentecostals, and lump them together.
 

morefaithrequired

Well-known member
Sep 28, 2019
1,697
933
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#18
As someone who was raised in the Pentecostal church and who has travled in hundreds of churches I can tell you it is not demonic and I don't appreciate the inferrance. I've been to all denominations and I can tell you there are Baptists, Methodists, Catholics and more who speak in tongues. So it's not just a Pentecostal thing. I attend a church now where the pastor is Pentecostal, some of the congregation is also and some are not. The church demonination isn't Pentecostal. And yet somehow we all attend service together and no one accuses the other of being demon possessed. smh And none of us believe in prosperity gospel, nor does the AofG. It's non demoninational Pentecostals that broke away from the AofG that believe that. The AofG told Benny Hinn to cease and desist teaching that doctrine and many of the other things he was in to. He chose to break away. People have a misunderstanding of Pentecostals, and lump them together.
sorry for my insensitivity. my ignorance I guess. a couple of years ago my brother called me by phone and was very p-leased to announce he could speak in tongues. I asked him to speak to me in tongues and he did. it was the first time I had heard it. I was shocked. I questioned whether his gift was truly from God. and I still do. we will never know will we? so my limited exposure to tongues is the reason for my bias.
and apologies again. it must be annoying to be misunderstood
 

morefaithrequired

Well-known member
Sep 28, 2019
1,697
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#19
The bible is a mirror not a magnifying glass
use it to examine yourself not others.

nice signature
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
29,085
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#20
Well, at least you are being made aware early on as to your husbands intentions toward and for you. And thank God you don't yet have children with him so as to enter into that fight he's forewarned you is coming should you have.

Speaking for myself, and as a married woman for a great many years, you entered your marriage to be a partner, not a slave.
The scriptures tell us when we marry the two become one. Your husband appears not to realize that. He appears to think, according to what you have shared, that you are less than he in matters of rights and place in the relationship.
That's contrary to what God's words tel us should be so in a marriage God anoints with His blessing.

That being said, what I also found concerning in your post is that your husband is set on staying in his old church that he left for some reason before meeting you, and his old girlfriend is still there attending.
And, while he sounds like he's all for you finding a church that fits your needs, he's implied threats toward your independence in that area by now saying he'd like you to sign a post nuptial agreement so that he takes, takes, takes, from you should you not hold to his rules. This would also apply should he decide to divorce you, if you entered into such a contract.
That should have sent up huge red flags! Because now you are married and there he is talking about division of assets, your kids, in a divorce. Which means he's thinking of that for your future. That's a big warning that he's not thinking of staying married forever. He's thinking about how he can benefit over you when you divorce.

The Bible tells us we are not to be married to an unbeliever. That is grounds for divorce. As is infidelity.
I'd say you've been told by your husband that he is not a believer in the manner of faith that includes your future. He wants to hold dominion over you including where and how you worship.

Get out! That's my advice because were it me, I'd write your post after I'd packed up and left. Speaking in past tense as to what should I do and is it wise to consider reconciliation? However, your husband has already told you the answer to those two points. No!
He's the boss!
You didn't marry your boss. You married your equal. Your husband does not believe you are one. He believes you are two and he has dominion over you.
When a husband tells his wife he commands where she worships, she's being told her husband has decided how she see's God, where she will honor God, and how she will hold faith in God.

He's playing God!
That's idolatry and blasphemy.
You didn't sign up for that.
Pardon the pun but, run like Hell!

The man you are meant to find is out there. The man you're with is an example, God bless him, of what NOT to settle for in a relationship.
I bet he didn't act like this while you were dating did he?
When someone shows you who he is, or tells you who he is, believe it! Because no matter who they are, they've been themselves all their life. We come into the picture much later and are only learning who they are by what they show us. And sometimes, all that is an act so as to get us locked into a relationship with them. Once that's assured, the real man comes out. He hides prior to that because deep down he knows, either intuitively or through past experiences with women who fled the real him, that who he really is will not be tolerated when a woman is free to walk away.
Such men think that when a woman is married, she's property and his forever no matter what.
That's when it can get really ugly and really dangerous.

God be with you.
I fully concur with your estimation and the counsel you provided.