The elephant in the room

  • Christian Chat is a moderated online Christian community allowing Christians around the world to fellowship with each other in real time chat via webcam, voice, and text, with the Christian Chat app. You can also start or participate in a Bible-based discussion here in the Christian Chat Forums, where members can also share with each other their own videos, pictures, or favorite Christian music.

    If you are a Christian and need encouragement and fellowship, we're here for you! If you are not a Christian but interested in knowing more about Jesus our Lord, you're also welcome! Want to know what the Bible says, and how you can apply it to your life? Join us!

    To make new Christian friends now around the world, click here to join Christian Chat.

TheIndianGirl

Well-known member
Nov 22, 2019
328
262
63
#1
Recently I've been more and more bothered about what people have done or said to me in the past. Maybe it is because I live alone and I have more time to ponder on these things, or maybe it is because I was too busy before that I never gave enough attention to these issues and these feelings were repressed. Anyway, when I talk or meet these people now, I am reminded about they they said or did and it is affecting my relationships with them. One person said something that caused me trauma for six plus months, and this is one of the more bearable examples. These are people I love. I have brought up these issues to these people before, but they ended up either blaming me or denying. I have forgiven these people multiple times in my heart but sometimes I feel I have not since I'm still thinking about it and am bothered. Some things happened so long ago, and these people have changed and are now better people. I try to have a good time with these people but I am still reminded, so sometimes I feel I am putting an act. What should I do?
 
I

IFOLLOWHIM

Guest
#2
Hello!
I feel what you are saying.......
My advice is just keep putting it before the Lord and examine how you tell Him how you feel.
Sometimes we don't really give it all to Him,I know I have been hurt by family that were in the ministry........
He is our deliverer and wants us to let peace rule our hearts!
Praying!
 
Aug 10, 2019
479
381
63
Canada
#3
Recently I've been more and more bothered about what people have done or said to me in the past. Maybe it is because I live alone and I have more time to ponder on these things, or maybe it is because I was too busy before that I never gave enough attention to these issues and these feelings were repressed. Anyway, when I talk or meet these people now, I am reminded about they they said or did and it is affecting my relationships with them. One person said something that caused me trauma for six plus months, and this is one of the more bearable examples. These are people I love. I have brought up these issues to these people before, but they ended up either blaming me or denying. I have forgiven these people multiple times in my heart but sometimes I feel I have not since I'm still thinking about it and am bothered. Some things happened so long ago, and these people have changed and are now better people. I try to have a good time with these people but I am still reminded, so sometimes I feel I am putting an act. What should I do?
From the files of "easier said than done" I'll share a messaage I heard during a sermon many years ago.

The point was made that when it comes to our sins, Jesus does more than forgive, he forgets....we are made clean, a new creation. If one says they've forgiven but they haven't forgotten....if follows that forgiveness of this type isn't really forgiveness at all, its more like putting someone on probation.

I think its this sentiment that keeps people from truly forming a strong relationship with Jesus Christ. I know I'm guilty of it....intellectually I know that my sins are wiped clean, that through the cross my sins are laid down and forgotten. But deep down at the core of my being I often feels that my sins are still there....that I am on probation and that I have to prove myself worthy through good works. Paul though makes it abundantly clear....if my forgiveness and salvation is because of my deeds, then I can boast that my salvation was because of ME, because of what I MYSELF did. I don't know if calling this attitude blasphemy is taking it too far, but I don't think its far off the mark.

There are still people I need to forgive...and like you I try, I say the words and I don't act in a reproachful manner around them, but in my heart I know that I haven't fully forgiven them.

I pray I can get there....I comfort myself with the belief that the journey is every bit as important as the destination.

Blessings
 

Nehemiah6

Senior Member
Jul 18, 2017
11,507
4,636
113
#4
I try to have a good time with these people but I am still reminded, so sometimes I feel I am putting an act. What should I do?
Just walk away from these people and find new friends. There is nothing stopping you from doing that. And then put the past behind you.
 

morefaithrequired

Well-known member
Sep 28, 2019
2,194
1,253
113
#5
Recently I've been more and more bothered about what people have done or said to me in the past. Maybe it is because I live alone and I have more time to ponder on these things, or maybe it is because I was too busy before that I never gave enough attention to these issues and these feelings were repressed. Anyway, when I talk or meet these people now, I am reminded about they they said or did and it is affecting my relationships with them. One person said something that caused me trauma for six plus months, and this is one of the more bearable examples. These are people I love. I have brought up these issues to these people before, but they ended up either blaming me or denying. I have forgiven these people multiple times in my heart but sometimes I feel I have not since I'm still thinking about it and am bothered. Some things happened so long ago, and these people have changed and are now better people. I try to have a good time with these people but I am still reminded, so sometimes I feel I am putting an act. What should I do?
I can relate. Rumination is almost like a cancer of the mind and emotions. It strangles any love and goodwill you have had towards these people.
Your insight is your best friend. Some people dont even realise they are ruminating.
You and I need to pray with a capital P. Our thoughts can become like badly behaved children.
We need to create good habits and daily routines which encourage self compassion snd love.
 

Bingo

Well-known member
Feb 9, 2019
2,880
2,187
113
#6
"Let go of the past, or the past will not let go of us. This statement has much truth.
And, the Serenity Prayer has a powerful message, so long as it is applied. It is possible
to be unhappy or self conscious of unnecessary emotions by ones own lack of maturity.
And, applying God's 'principles of life' is known to greatly improve ones own peace and
well being, here in the now...believe it."
~Thought to ponder~
5a06fc6c74167_enact-Copy-Copy(16)-Copy-Copy-Copy-Copy-Copy-Copy-Copy-Copy-Copy-Copy-Copy-Copy-...jpg Friendly.png
 

Adstar

Senior Member
Jul 24, 2016
6,113
2,672
113
#7
To me it seems that some people believe a memory is something that can be just let go... That somehow you are in control of the things you remember and the thinks you forget.. But a trauma triggering memory tends to weld itself deep into a persons mind like being branded by a hot iron.. The scar just remains no matter how much you wish to forget it..

Do you think people love and enjoy having traumatic memories replaying in their minds? Nope.. They would Love to be able to wipe their minds clean of all these memories.. These memories are like a haunting ghost that will visit you from time to time when you least expect it.. It will replay the past with almost perfect emotional clarity.. Almost as it the event is happening again anew..

How can one be free of those memories? I can only think that it would be a gift from God to cause one to forget.. So praying to God to lift the burden off ones heart would be the only way i can see of getting rid of a traumatic memory..
 

selfdissolving

Well-known member
Jun 29, 2018
536
431
63
34
#8
Recently I've been more and more bothered about what people have done or said to me in the past. Maybe it is because I live alone and I have more time to ponder on these things, or maybe it is because I was too busy before that I never gave enough attention to these issues and these feelings were repressed. Anyway, when I talk or meet these people now, I am reminded about they they said or did and it is affecting my relationships with them. One person said something that caused me trauma for six plus months, and this is one of the more bearable examples. These are people I love. I have brought up these issues to these people before, but they ended up either blaming me or denying. I have forgiven these people multiple times in my heart but sometimes I feel I have not since I'm still thinking about it and am bothered. Some things happened so long ago, and these people have changed and are now better people. I try to have a good time with these people but I am still reminded, so sometimes I feel I am putting an act. What should I do?
i deal with similar feelings all the time. one thing that helps me is to remember that the people who hurt me are just as clueless, finite, and fallen as I am. they struggle to do the right thing just like I do and fall short regularly just like i do. seeing them this way allows me to have mercy on them because instead of seeing them as a perpetrator of wrongdoing against me, i see them as a victim of fallen human nature alongside me. this allows me to have compassion on them and reach out to love and help them.
 

Locoponydirtman

Well-known member
Oct 9, 2018
2,782
1,686
113
Texas
#9
I can relate. Rumination is almost like a cancer of the mind and emotions. It strangles any love and goodwill you have had towards these people.
Your insight is your best friend. Some people dont even realise they are ruminating.
You and I need to pray with a capital P. Our thoughts can become like badly behaved children.
We need to create good habits and daily routines which encourage self compassion snd love.
I agree with this guy.
The only thing I would add os that sometimes there are people who are purposefully toxic. Those need to be cut off for your own good.
Generally speaking people don't pay attention to the things they say, and don't know that they are being harmful.
 
Oct 12, 2012
1,563
928
113
64
#10
What am I going to do
Boom boom boom
With the elephant in the room
Boom boom boom
It's pooping 💩 all around us
Boom boom boom
Filling up my shoes
Boom boom boom
And the smell is awfully grinding
Boom boom boom
I tried to embrace it
Boom boom boom
It squashed my guts against the wall
Boom boom boom
I glimpse into the door
Boom boom boom
But I can't get out it
Boom boom boom
It's stomping on my toes
Boom boom boom
What am I going to do
Boom boom boom
With the elephant in the room
Boom boom boom???
 

Pemican

Senior Member
Sep 27, 2014
876
152
43
#11
Recently I've been more and more bothered about what people have done or said to me in the past. Maybe it is because I live alone and I have more time to ponder on these things, or maybe it is because I was too busy before that I never gave enough attention to these issues and these feelings were repressed. Anyway, when I talk or meet these people now, I am reminded about they they said or did and it is affecting my relationships with them. One person said something that caused me trauma for six plus months, and this is one of the more bearable examples. These are people I love. I have brought up these issues to these people before, but they ended up either blaming me or denying. I have forgiven these people multiple times in my heart but sometimes I feel I have not since I'm still thinking about it and am bothered. Some things happened so long ago, and these people have changed and are now better people. I try to have a good time with these people but I am still reminded, so sometimes I feel I am putting an act. What should I do?
Php 3:13-14 Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

All of us have received pain and given pain in our interactions with other people. All of us have sin natures. All of us have memories.
I think in extreme cases separation and avoidance is necessary. But in most cases we must put it behind us and deal with the present moment and even pray for the person who has hurt you. If they are believers it reflects the fact that they have neglected to grow spiritually, have not practiced self-control or stayed in fellowship, and let their sin natures go crazy. If they are unbelievers they have no real way to deal with their sin nature and their lives will be miserable. They have to deal with the guilt of their error (a big problem for them).

Most of all we must press on to spiritual maturity through the learning, believing and applying of the teaching of scripture. The difficulties we face in life are temporary, and in eternity all is forgotten and there is no more pain or suffering for the believer in Christ. In your own soul you must recognize and confess your anger, self-righteous arrogance, and any other sin you see in yourself.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
7,260
2,641
113
#12
Love keeps no record of wrongs.

I think you need to maybe shake the dust off your feet and move on. The elephant may be in the room, and you cant shift it, but you dont need to stay in that room!
 

TheIndianGirl

Well-known member
Nov 22, 2019
328
262
63
#13
Without going into detail, some of these things that happened in my life are serious. I did not realize the severity until I became an adult. If I watch the news or TV show which brings up this issue, I am bothered for a few weeks. Sometimes I analyze my life and blame some things in my past for the way I am (my loneliness, being antimarriage, being introverted, etc.). Walking away is not really possible with family. It's worse when I cannot talk about this, the other people have either forgotten or remember a different version of what happened. Sometimes I'm tired of pretending I'm alright when I'm hurting. Sometimes I get angry at God.
 

Locoponydirtman

Well-known member
Oct 9, 2018
2,782
1,686
113
Texas
#14
Without going into detail, some of these things that happened in my life are serious. I did not realize the severity until I became an adult. If I watch the news or TV show which brings up this issue, I am bothered for a few weeks. Sometimes I analyze my life and blame some things in my past for the way I am (my loneliness, being antimarriage, being introverted, etc.). Walking away is not really possible with family. It's worse when I cannot talk about this, the other people have either forgotten or remember a different version of what happened. Sometimes I'm tired of pretending I'm alright when I'm hurting. Sometimes I get angry at God.
It's not God to blame because people are sinful. People are rebellious against God, and when they are, other people get hurt.
I hate it but it's true. I hope you heal.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
7,260
2,641
113
#15
well, tell someone who can pray with you. dont confront your family alone since they wont listen. take a witness. If there are no witnesses, then fOllow Matthew 18:15-20

do you know about binding and loosing prayer? These are for situations where you cant simply walk away, but you can be spiritually free.

If it happened way back in the past and there were no witnesses, the thing you can ask God to heal the past trauma cos He is always there. another thing to remember Jesus blood covers you so those bad things or curses have no effect. But you need to declare it is so and believe. Jesus blood is a line demons cannot cross. You are covered.
 
Nov 17, 2019
213
105
43
56
New Mexico, USA
#16
Recently I've been more and more bothered about what people have done or said to me in the past.
I'm sorry you had to be injured by people in your past. What hurts the most is when friends you know and love try and destroy you on purpose. I know from experience that some of God's human creations can have the capacity to perform unimaginable sins; I hearken back to Hitler and his henchmen. The point is, you never really get over the experience of being directly attacked by Satan's armies. It's kind of like having a rotator-cuff injury. You just have to manage it for the rest of your life. Of course, the only way to do that is with the help of God's Holy Spirit. He speaks to me especially through Paul's letters to the Philippians, Galatians and Colossians. They are filled with so much encouragement, I can't help but know God is living inside of me. Also, Jesus will remind you of his saving grace when you read the Gospel of John. If you're carrying any guilt from the past, it will evaporate very quickly as the Holy Spirit speaks to you through the word of God.

I try to have a good time with these people but I am still reminded, so sometimes I feel I am putting an act. What should I do?
You can forgive people without having to associate with them. Sometimes this is the best thing to do. By severing the ties of a toxic relationship, you have the freedom to experience much healthier, spiritual ones.