This is hard for me... Please read.

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Wingedeagle

Junior Member
Apr 14, 2018
9
0
1
#1
My husband and I have been married for almost 8 years and have two living children ages 5 and 2. When we first got married he was a Sunday school teacher in our church; but now, he hasn't been to chruch except 2 or 3 times in more than 6 months. His attendance has been spotty ever since our 5yo was born. We used to pray together. Now he flat out refuses to read the Bible or pray with me. When we first got married and I got frustrated with something, he would literally hide from me. As time passed he started yelling back and breaking things. 2 years ago he slapped a remote against my arm hard enough that I had a sore spot for a couple days. This was the first time he had done anything to me directly. Now it has escalated to him outright punching me in the face when he is mad. This last time I didn't think he was going to stop. I am so scared right now. I have no one to turn to because all my friends are to busy with thier own lives to talk. He says he is sorry and won't do it again, but I do not know if I can trust him. I have no money and no where to go. I do not want to leave him, I want him to change, and be the godly husband he told me he was going to be when we got married. He says it's all my fault. That if the house wasn't dirty he wouldn't get mad. If I wasn't so lazy and more obedient, and didn't trigger him so much he wouldn't hit me. (I had a laundry basket in my hands and he said I had a "weapon" so he had to defend himself). He refuses counseling because he says we are fine and don't need it. I don't know what to do any more. Part of thinks I am at fault and if I was a better housekeeper (the house is messy with two little kids around) and better cook he would stop. I can't sleep, can't stop crying, my stomach has been in knots and upset for three days now. I am stuck.
 

Mel85

Daughter of the True King
Mar 28, 2018
5,608
2,368
113
#2
Hello and welcome to CC.

I havent been married before but the “red flags” popped up for me when I read that he hit (slapped) you with the remote. I think you really need to consider whether you still want to be around or put up with that type of behaviour. Do you love him? Does he love you? Is he willing to fight for your marriage to work? (You don’t have to answer these questions) but earnestly pray about this. Also, counciling might be an option as well.

Blessings.
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#3
My husband and I have been married for almost 8 years and have two living children ages 5 and 2. When we first got married he was a Sunday school teacher in our church; but now, he hasn't been to chruch except 2 or 3 times in more than 6 months. His attendance has been spotty ever since our 5yo was born. We used to pray together. Now he flat out refuses to read the Bible or pray with me. When we first got married and I got frustrated with something, he would literally hide from me. As time passed he started yelling back and breaking things. 2 years ago he slapped a remote against my arm hard enough that I had a sore spot for a couple days. This was the first time he had done anything to me directly. Now it has escalated to him outright punching me in the face when he is mad. This last time I didn't think he was going to stop. I am so scared right now. I have no one to turn to because all my friends are to busy with thier own lives to talk. He says he is sorry and won't do it again, but I do not know if I can trust him. I have no money and no where to go. I do not want to leave him, I want him to change, and be the godly husband he told me he was going to be when we got married. He says it's all my fault. That if the house wasn't dirty he wouldn't get mad. If I wasn't so lazy and more obedient, and didn't trigger him so much he wouldn't hit me. (I had a laundry basket in my hands and he said I had a "weapon" so he had to defend himself). He refuses counseling because he says we are fine and don't need it. I don't know what to do any more. Part of thinks I am at fault and if I was a better housekeeper (the house is messy with two little kids around) and better cook he would stop. I can't sleep, can't stop crying, my stomach has been in knots and upset for three days now. I am stuck.
The guy is a TEXTBOOK abuser. He sounds like All the other abusers in the world. Apologizes, but also says it's your fault.
He's not sorry. It's not your fault. And statistics say he is almost guaranteed not to change. Abusers Rarely change. Because they blame the victims rather than take responsibility for their actions.

Your choices, stay in it, keep getting abused mentally, physically and emotionally and pray he doesn't kill you one day, or may be one day you'll hope he does. Or start making plans to leave.

I am not a trained counselor but I have helped numerous women in relationships of varying levels of abuse. I've yet to meet a single one that regrets leaving.
You could attempt counseling, but since it seems he's had zero consequences up to this point he has absolutely no motivation to change. The most likely scenario is him criticizing the counselor for any effort to suggest he has even the tiniest blame for any of it.
And a common mistake women in general make, even without abuse, expecting the man to change into what they want. It's pretty slim that will happen to begin with, but with an abuser it's nearly non-existent.

Start trying to save money, figure out plans where to go, etc... it will be incredibly scary to go out on your own, but in the long run you will be thankful that you did.
 

lightbearer

Senior Member
Jun 17, 2017
1,257
166
63
52
HBG. Pa. USA
#4
My husband and I have been married for almost 8 years and have two living children ages 5 and 2. When we first got married he was a Sunday school teacher in our church; but now, he hasn't been to chruch except 2 or 3 times in more than 6 months. His attendance has been spotty ever since our 5yo was born. We used to pray together. Now he flat out refuses to read the Bible or pray with me. When we first got married and I got frustrated with something, he would literally hide from me. As time passed he started yelling back and breaking things. 2 years ago he slapped a remote against my arm hard enough that I had a sore spot for a couple days. This was the first time he had done anything to me directly. Now it has escalated to him outright punching me in the face when he is mad. This last time I didn't think he was going to stop. I am so scared right now. I have no one to turn to because all my friends are to busy with thier own lives to talk. He says he is sorry and won't do it again, but I do not know if I can trust him. I have no money and no where to go. I do not want to leave him, I want him to change, and be the godly husband he told me he was going to be when we got married. He says it's all my fault. That if the house wasn't dirty he wouldn't get mad. If I wasn't so lazy and more obedient, and didn't trigger him so much he wouldn't hit me. (I had a laundry basket in my hands and he said I had a "weapon" so he had to defend himself). He refuses counseling because he says we are fine and don't need it. I don't know what to do any more. Part of thinks I am at fault and if I was a better housekeeper (the house is messy with two little kids around) and better cook he would stop. I can't sleep, can't stop crying, my stomach has been in knots and upset for three days now. I am stuck.
First things first call the police and report this before it gets to far gone.

Have you spoke to your parents on this. You need to get out of there!

Call your Pastor; or contact someone in your local Church Body.

As Ugly said it ain't goin to stop. Statistically it is only going to get worse. But you have hope. GOD will get you safe you just have to make the steps to get out.
 
L

loyaldisciple

Guest
#5
Hello and welcome to CC.

I havent been married before but the “red flags” popped up for me when I read that he hit (slapped) you with the remote. I think you really need to consider whether you still want to be around or put up with that type of behaviour. Do you love him? Does he love you? Is he willing to fight for your marriage to work? (You don’t have to answer these questions) but earnestly pray about this. Also, counciling might be an option as well.

Blessings.
I am going to agree 100% with the last 2 comments here. I truly believe you should leave this relationship before something extremely terrible happens. When a man is punching you in the face, it is time to end that relationship. I don't know what exactly is causing his extreme anger, but nothing could be warranting his behavior. I strongly suggest you leave this situation at once, right now immediately. Take your children somewhere with you, contact police, whatever you have to do, but get away from that situation. It is likely to get much worse if you don't.
 
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loyaldisciple

Guest
#6
My husband and I have been married for almost 8 years and have two living children ages 5 and 2. When we first got married he was a Sunday school teacher in our church; but now, he hasn't been to chruch except 2 or 3 times in more than 6 months. His attendance has been spotty ever since our 5yo was born. We used to pray together. Now he flat out refuses to read the Bible or pray with me. When we first got married and I got frustrated with something, he would literally hide from me. As time passed he started yelling back and breaking things. 2 years ago he slapped a remote against my arm hard enough that I had a sore spot for a couple days. This was the first time he had done anything to me directly. Now it has escalated to him outright punching me in the face when he is mad. This last time I didn't think he was going to stop. I am so scared right now. I have no one to turn to because all my friends are to busy with thier own lives to talk. He says he is sorry and won't do it again, but I do not know if I can trust him. I have no money and no where to go. I do not want to leave him, I want him to change, and be the godly husband he told me he was going to be when we got married. He says it's all my fault. That if the house wasn't dirty he wouldn't get mad. If I wasn't so lazy and more obedient, and didn't trigger him so much he wouldn't hit me. (I had a laundry basket in my hands and he said I had a "weapon" so he had to defend himself). He refuses counseling because he says we are fine and don't need it. I don't know what to do any more. Part of thinks I am at fault and if I was a better housekeeper (the house is messy with two little kids around) and better cook he would stop. I can't sleep, can't stop crying, my stomach has been in knots and upset for three days now. I am stuck.
1) Pray for God to help you.
2) Take your children and go straight to the police station.
3) Obtain a no contact order.
4) Go stay with your parents or a friend and do not talk with this man at all.
5) Retain a lawyer and file for divorce.

5 steps for you and your children's safety.
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
64,233
2,745
113
#7
Speaking as a person who has been in, and survived an abusive relationship, let me tell you that your husband's abusive behavior WILL escalate. And next time, it will be your babies he goes after. You've been given excellent advice here, so I'll add my voice to those urging you to take the kids and get out of there today... As Ugly stated, abusers rarely ever stop abusing, and hubby isn't going to change unless he wants to, and it doesn't sound like he wants to.

Make a plan, save some money, and get you and your babies away from this guy.
 

Wingedeagle

Junior Member
Apr 14, 2018
9
0
1
#8
Thank you all, for your response. I do not know what I am going to do at the moment. I talked with my husband this morning and he said he was sorry he lost control but that he has felt neglected by me since our girls were born. He said that because the house is so dirty he doesn't feel heard. That all he wants is a clean house and no clothes in baskets waiting to be folded, and lunch packed for him to take to work. And because I haven't done these things; he got too frustrated and felt he had to get mean to be heard. Otherwise he says I don't listen to him and do what he says to do.
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
64,233
2,745
113
#9
That's no reason for him to punch you in the face or arm. What are you gonna do next time when he goes after the kids?
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#10
Thank you all, for your response. I do not know what I am going to do at the moment. I talked with my husband this morning and he said he was sorry he lost control but that he has felt neglected by me since our girls were born. He said that because the house is so dirty he doesn't feel heard. That all he wants is a clean house and no clothes in baskets waiting to be folded, and lunch packed for him to take to work. And because I haven't done these things; he got too frustrated and felt he had to get mean to be heard. Otherwise he says I don't listen to him and do what he says to do.
An unadulterated load of crap. A dirty house and feeling neglected (if either are actually even true) is no excuse for hitting someone. A spouse never has Any right or excuse to hit the other. It's time to stop listening to his lies and seeing only his actions.
Nothing you have ever said or done to him justifies violence. Period. I've been in relation ships where things much worse than his moronic excuses claim and guess how many times I was "made" to hit them? None. Never. A person that hits their spouse is a coward and a bully. You have every right, actually, even legal obligation, due to your children, to leave. Victims of domestic abuse risk losing their children for leaving them in such an environment even if the children aren't being hit themselves.
 

Wingedeagle

Junior Member
Apr 14, 2018
9
0
1
#11
I do not know. I have been a stay at home mom and have no money and no where to go really for more than a night or two. I was going to talk to someone at church this morning but we couldn't go because of the weather. I am just praying he doesn't have a chance to go after one of them. He says he never would but he used to tell me that to. We would fight and he would tell me he wanted to beat me up but he wouldn't because he loved me too much to hurt me. I believed him and now... I don't want to make that mistake with my babies.
 
L

loyaldisciple

Guest
#12
Thank you all, for your response. I do not know what I am going to do at the moment. I talked with my husband this morning and he said he was sorry he lost control but that he has felt neglected by me since our girls were born. He said that because the house is so dirty he doesn't feel heard. That all he wants is a clean house and no clothes in baskets waiting to be folded, and lunch packed for him to take to work. And because I haven't done these things; he got too frustrated and felt he had to get mean to be heard. Otherwise he says I don't listen to him and do what he says to do.
I believe for him to become angry enough to punch you over unfolded clothes, that there must be more to it than that. Maybe he can't tell you exactly what it is because he doesn't know himself. It is looking like he may have a great jealousy and resentment for his own children. Jealousy that you pay so much attention to them now and not enough attention to him, in his mind. You said this all began "after" your children were born, which would lend credence to this theory. It is seeming as though "jealousy" may be the underlying cause here for his extreme anger. Obviously, you can't get rid of your children, so if this is true then you are going to have to get rid of him, before he seriously harms you or your children.
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#13
I do not know. I have been a stay at home mom and have no money and no where to go really for more than a night or two. I was going to talk to someone at church this morning but we couldn't go because of the weather. I am just praying he doesn't have a chance to go after one of them. He says he never would but he used to tell me that to. We would fight and he would tell me he wanted to beat me up but he wouldn't because he loved me too much to hurt me. I believed him and now... I don't want to make that mistake with my babies.
So have countless others that had to find a way to leave. I'd say a stay at home mom may be the ideal victim for domestic abuse for the very reasons you're giving. A lack of funds, friends and belief in self makes you an ideal victim. But God did not create you for this. He created you for better. You owe it to God, yourself and your kids to find some way out. If it takes time for you to get things together, then so be it. But listening to his lies and doing nothing is only putting your life, and possibly your children's at risk.
I'd start researching your situation to see what ideas others have had an what options to get help may be available in your area.
It Will be tough and scary, but so is where you're at now. At least one option gives you hope for peace one day.
 

Nehemiah6

Senior Member
Jul 18, 2017
6,139
772
113
#14
I can't sleep, can't stop crying, my stomach has been in knots and upset for three days now. I am stuck.
Hello Wingedeagle, and Welcome to CC,

There is always a solution to every problem. There is no question that your husband has a spiritual problem, so the first thing you need to do is talk to your pastor (s) or elders in strict confidence and request their help.

If he was a Sunday School teacher then he would also have been a member of that Church. Which means that the spiritual leaders of the church are responsible for his spiritual welfare. It would appear that they failed in fulfilling that responsibility by not going and speaking with him right at the start, when things started going awry.

So now it is up to you to hold them responsible and ask them to intervene so that there is a proper spiritual resolution that is not superficial.
 
L

loyaldisciple

Guest
#15
I do not know. I have been a stay at home mom and have no money and no where to go really for more than a night or two. I was going to talk to someone at church this morning but we couldn't go because of the weather. I am just praying he doesn't have a chance to go after one of them. He says he never would but he used to tell me that to. We would fight and he would tell me he wanted to beat me up but he wouldn't because he loved me too much to hurt me. I believed him and now... I don't want to make that mistake with my babies.
I would certainly think that if your church truly knew what was happening here that someone would take you and your children under their wing for much longer than a night or two. Maybe even your pastor or an honorable deacon. This is what those men are for and if they truly are a man of God they will have no fear of your husband and they will truly help both you and your children. I would recommend that you "stop" thinking in terms of money here and get your children to safety as soon as possible. Life is much more important than any amount of money. If you place your trust in God He will take care of you regardless of money.
 
Apr 22, 2017
55
3
0
#16
Having been married over 40 yrs .I can honestly say:Answers to strong marriage problems take strong scriptural answers.
I AM FIRST VERY SORRY FOR THE STRIFE IN YOUR MARRIAGE. IT CAN BE HEAVEN OR LIKE THE OTHET PLACE.
1.CHOICES GOT YOUR MARRIAGE THERE .
2.WAITING OR DELAYING GETTING HELP HAS GIVEN THE ENEMY A FOOTHOLD.
THE FOOTHOLD IS SPIRITUAL NOT CARNAL.
SCRIPTURE #
1 ONLY BY PRIDE COMES CONTENTION
AND A SOFT VOICE TURNS AWAY W R A T H!
THERE ARE MANY SCRIPTURES FOR OUR DAILY BREAD BUT THESE
ARE INSTRUCTION TO THE WISE. THE SERVANT OF THE LORD MUST NOT SYRIVE BUT BE GENTLE WITH ALL .
Hope this helps, faithful over little , faithful over much.
My prayers commng your way , ask for prayer to break the yoke of wickedness in both of you. Shalom
Yeshua (Jesus) is a very present help in time of trouble.
 
Apr 22, 2017
55
3
0
#17
Ask him if he liked his mothers cooking and fix it her way she knows what he likes.My wife could only scramble eggs when I married her.Keep it Simple.
Shes a better cook than my mom now!
 

Wingedeagle

Junior Member
Apr 14, 2018
9
0
1
#18
My cooking is the only thing he has never complained about. Only that I don't pack his lunch every single day.
 
T

Tinuviel

Guest
#19
The guy is a TEXTBOOK abuser. He sounds like All the other abusers in the world. Apologizes, but also says it's your fault.
He's not sorry. It's not your fault. And statistics say he is almost guaranteed not to change. Abusers Rarely change. Because they blame the victims rather than take responsibility for their actions.

Your choices, stay in it, keep getting abused mentally, physically and emotionally and pray he doesn't kill you one day, or may be one day you'll hope he does. Or start making plans to leave.

I am not a trained counselor but I have helped numerous women in relationships of varying levels of abuse. I've yet to meet a single one that regrets leaving.
You could attempt counseling, but since it seems he's had zero consequences up to this point he has absolutely no motivation to change. The most likely scenario is him criticizing the counselor for any effort to suggest he has even the tiniest blame for any of it.
And a common mistake women in general make, even without abuse, expecting the man to change into what they want. It's pretty slim that will happen to begin with, but with an abuser it's nearly non-existent.

Start trying to save money, figure out plans where to go, etc... it will be incredibly scary to go out on your own, but in the long run you will be thankful that you did.
This. What brother Ugly says here is SO right. Your husband is abusive. He's not sorry, he's not taking responsibility for his actions as a man or a Christian, and he'll only get worse, if he does not turn to God. You can't wait for that. It is only a matter of time before he strikes you in front of the children, or transfers his abuse to them. The relationship isn't safe; the 6th commandment (Thou shalt not kill), commands us to preserve life--our own, and our children's included. To stay in an abusive relationship is not biblical. I'll be praying for you, sister.
 

Wingedeagle

Junior Member
Apr 14, 2018
9
0
1
#20
We talked some more after he woke up and he seems so sad. He keeps begging me to stay and not leave him and he keeps crying about how sorry he is. I told him that if he is truly repenting from what he did then he has to prove it by going to counseling with me and reading scripture with me every day. I am still trying to get everything together to leave but we shall seeif he can hold up his end.