Tough Love?

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Idagirl

Junior Member
Sep 21, 2017
9
0
0
#1
Hi everyone...sorry so long...

My 19th wedding anniversary is on Oct 7th. I am just about to turn 41 years old. I have two special needs kids (ages 15 and 17). I feel like my marriage has made me physically and mentally ill. My husband has always been a drinker since I met him, and also a smoker. In the last couple of years I really started to understand addiction better, and my husband is a true functional alcoholic. His life revolves around skiing (with beer), hiking (with beer), camping (with beer), walking the dogs to the pub (to get beer). He never wants to do father/son things. He never wants to hang out with our daughter.

Last week I noticed that he was pounding beers in the car before he would walk in the door (he says just one beer). Since I asked him about that and cleaned out the 24 smashed beer cans out of his car, he now pulls over just down the street to have a drink (or two?). He used to go out with the guys he worked with or skied with and at least three nights per year didn't come home until the next day. He won't kiss me because then I will complain about him smoking. He knows I will complain about him drinking too much, so he evades me. For the past 17 years he has lived his own life, and when I have asked him to stop for the sake of the kids he said no. I have prayed and prayed and asked for help and 7 years of marriage therapy alone...and the only thing I haven't tried is what I feel God is calling me to do....leave.

My husband says this is who he is. I have prayed and prayed and prayed, listened to sermons, read books, and I honestly feel God is calling me to leave as a tough love effort (the ONLY thing I have not tried). If I push my husband too much about things he will become verbally abusive, and he is emotionally abusive. My daughter's therapist suggested I say "its us or the alcohol" and move out for a while. He said this at the behest of my daughter who would never say this to my me. She says she is afraid of her dad because he is so loud and she doesn't really want a relationship with him. My husband says he is saved and is a believer, and that God tells him to toil and work at the sweat of his brow. His only accomplishment is his work, because he will say that he must not be an alcoholic because he goes to work.

A few weeks ago his friend came over spent a couple of nights, left my son at home and took the chairlift up the mountain and drank for 3 hours, then came home and through the F word around a hundred times (according to my 17 year old son). I am so tired of this, nothing changes. If I ask for change he will say I am crazy. Oh, and I found porn sites on his phone (well still shots). He said he would not look at anything again, and then I found porn sites and dating sites one after the other, and he called me crazy saying it was my fault that I opened up a junk email he had. He said he clicked a link to unsubscribe and Tinder and disgusting sites came up. I never knew he could lie so much. He will spend all weekend watching movies on the couch, even romantic movies because he says he is a hopeless romantic, yet he won't even kiss his wife. He lost his wedding ring the second month he had it, and I thought that rings bothered him so I never (in 19 years) asked him to wear one, and then I recently realized that he SHOULD WANT to wear a wedding ring, especially when he likes to go hang out at the pub alone. I told him no more going to the pub alone, he must bring me because we are married, and he agreed. Still I caught him at the pub. I am now hypervigilant. I hate this.

I found a brand new income controlled apartment that the kids and I could move into for 6 months or a year. We can afford it. I am a student and am able to get help, plus my kids can get services in town and I can actually meet people and get myself to church. I am so tired and living with an addict makes you feel like the crazy one. I don't know if I can take much more of this because I see HE is hurting and doesn't even know it.
 

Dan58

Senior Member
Nov 13, 2013
1,820
112
63
#2
My husband has always been a drinker since I met him, and also a smoker.
Just wondering, if your husband always had this addiction, why is it bothering you now? Its kind of like marrying a fat person and then 19 years into the marriage deciding they needed to lose weight. He was a beer drinker when you married him, so you've changed, not him.

That said, I doubt he can stop on his own even if he wanted to. You might give him an ultimatum, to start going to AA meetings or your going to need to separate and move out. Living with an addict takes it toll, and his addiction can hurt, even destroy the people around him.
 

Rosemaryx

Senior Member
May 3, 2017
1,127
300
83
56
#3
Hi everyone...sorry so long...

My 19th wedding anniversary is on Oct 7th. I am just about to turn 41 years old. I have two special needs kids (ages 15 and 17). I feel like my marriage has made me physically and mentally ill. My husband has always been a drinker since I met him, and also a smoker. In the last couple of years I really started to understand addiction better, and my husband is a true functional alcoholic. His life revolves around skiing (with beer), hiking (with beer), camping (with beer), walking the dogs to the pub (to get beer). He never wants to do father/son things. He never wants to hang out with our daughter.

Last week I noticed that he was pounding beers in the car before he would walk in the door (he says just one beer). Since I asked him about that and cleaned out the 24 smashed beer cans out of his car, he now pulls over just down the street to have a drink (or two?). He used to go out with the guys he worked with or skied with and at least three nights per year didn't come home until the next day. He won't kiss me because then I will complain about him smoking. He knows I will complain about him drinking too much, so he evades me. For the past 17 years he has lived his own life, and when I have asked him to stop for the sake of the kids he said no. I have prayed and prayed and asked for help and 7 years of marriage therapy alone...and the only thing I haven't tried is what I feel God is calling me to do....leave.

My husband says this is who he is. I have prayed and prayed and prayed, listened to sermons, read books, and I honestly feel God is calling me to leave as a tough love effort (the ONLY thing I have not tried). If I push my husband too much about things he will become verbally abusive, and he is emotionally abusive. My daughter's therapist suggested I say "its us or the alcohol" and move out for a while. He said this at the behest of my daughter who would never say this to my me. She says she is afraid of her dad because he is so loud and she doesn't really want a relationship with him. My husband says he is saved and is a believer, and that God tells him to toil and work at the sweat of his brow. His only accomplishment is his work, because he will say that he must not be an alcoholic because he goes to work.

A few weeks ago his friend came over spent a couple of nights, left my son at home and took the chairlift up the mountain and drank for 3 hours, then came home and through the F word around a hundred times (according to my 17 year old son). I am so tired of this, nothing changes. If I ask for change he will say I am crazy. Oh, and I found porn sites on his phone (well still shots). He said he would not look at anything again, and then I found porn sites and dating sites one after the other, and he called me crazy saying it was my fault that I opened up a junk email he had. He said he clicked a link to unsubscribe and Tinder and disgusting sites came up. I never knew he could lie so much. He will spend all weekend watching movies on the couch, even romantic movies because he says he is a hopeless romantic, yet he won't even kiss his wife. He lost his wedding ring the second month he had it, and I thought that rings bothered him so I never (in 19 years) asked him to wear one, and then I recently realized that he SHOULD WANT to wear a wedding ring, especially when he likes to go hang out at the pub alone. I told him no more going to the pub alone, he must bring me because we are married, and he agreed. Still I caught him at the pub. I am now hypervigilant. I hate this.

I found a brand new income controlled apartment that the kids and I could move into for 6 months or a year. We can afford it. I am a student and am able to get help, plus my kids can get services in town and I can actually meet people and get myself to church. I am so tired and living with an addict makes you feel like the crazy one. I don't know if I can take much more of this because I see HE is hurting and doesn't even know it.
Hi Idagirl...This Scripture come to mind as I read your post...Proverbs 3:5-6 [FONT=&quot]Trust in the Lord with all your heart[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] and lean not on your own understanding;[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]6 in all your ways submit to him,[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] and he will make your paths straight...[/FONT]
 

HannahA

Senior Member
Sep 16, 2017
132
14
18
#4
hi sis Idagirl
i know it's been so hard in your position but as we are sisters in Christ i want to give you an encouragement with scriptures
Matthew 19:6 "So they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate"
you have so much strength along 19years of marriage and the process is tough but stay strong your reward is in heaven
1 Peter 5:19 " So then, those who suffer according God's will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good"
2 Timothy 4:7 "I have fought the good fight, i have finished the race, i have kept the faith"
Miracles happen everyday
He can make your husband a new man in Christ
amen
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
23,083
1,630
113
63
Florida
#5
Sounds like you need a brand new life. Take the apartment with the kids and move out. Your husband wearing a wedding ring would not stop his behavior. Perhaps in time your husband will allow God to work through him and change him but that doesn't seem likely and regardless, the process would take years. Hopefully, you will find comfort, support and understanding from the members of this site. Glad to have you as part of our community. Welcome to CC.
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
63,062
1,867
113
#6
I agree with Tourist. Take the kids and leave. He's been an alcoholic for most of your marriage, and he isn't gonna stop now just because you give him an ultimatum.. If you feel God is telling you to leave, then leave and make a new life for you and your kids..
 

GodisGlorious

Senior Member
Jun 12, 2012
130
3
18
#7
Personally I would pray. If the Lord leads you to leave, leave. Then pray for with expectation for your husband, as well as for yourself and your kids. Cos our Father can work miracles in people. Even those who are alcoholics! I wouldn't be going back til the Lord leads you to do so and may that be when you see a sober changed husband.

May the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you
 

Prov910

Senior Member
Jan 10, 2017
880
42
0
#8
I'm not so sure leaving him is the best course of action. From the description in your OP it sounds like he has plenty of bad habits and issues. But would his perspective be different than your own? If he was telling the story of your marriage to a group of his peers on-line, how would he describe it? I realize you may not want to hear this, but sometimes the problems in a marriage are not the sole fault of one person. (Then again, sometimes they are.)

In any case, if you do leave him you'd better be prepared for the possibility of never getting back together. There's a fair chance that he will simply opt to go his own way.

I pray that you resolve the situation one way or another.
 

Nehemiah6

Senior Member
Jul 18, 2017
5,812
555
113
#9
I found a brand new income controlled apartment that the kids and I could move into for 6 months or a year. We can afford it. I am a student and am able to get help, plus my kids can get services in town and I can actually meet people and get myself to church. I am so tired and living with an addict makes you feel like the crazy one. I don't know if I can take much more of this because I see HE is hurting and doesn't even know it.
Sorry to hear about this. But you now have a solution, so just do what is right for yourself and your children. Just make sure you stand firm after you move, and take every precaution to protect yourselves from vengeful attacks.
 
D

Depleted

Guest
#10
Hi everyone...sorry so long...

My 19th wedding anniversary is on Oct 7th. I am just about to turn 41 years old. I have two special needs kids (ages 15 and 17). I feel like my marriage has made me physically and mentally ill. My husband has always been a drinker since I met him, and also a smoker. In the last couple of years I really started to understand addiction better, and my husband is a true functional alcoholic. His life revolves around skiing (with beer), hiking (with beer), camping (with beer), walking the dogs to the pub (to get beer). He never wants to do father/son things. He never wants to hang out with our daughter.

Last week I noticed that he was pounding beers in the car before he would walk in the door (he says just one beer). Since I asked him about that and cleaned out the 24 smashed beer cans out of his car, he now pulls over just down the street to have a drink (or two?). He used to go out with the guys he worked with or skied with and at least three nights per year didn't come home until the next day. He won't kiss me because then I will complain about him smoking. He knows I will complain about him drinking too much, so he evades me. For the past 17 years he has lived his own life, and when I have asked him to stop for the sake of the kids he said no. I have prayed and prayed and asked for help and 7 years of marriage therapy alone...and the only thing I haven't tried is what I feel God is calling me to do....leave.

My husband says this is who he is. I have prayed and prayed and prayed, listened to sermons, read books, and I honestly feel God is calling me to leave as a tough love effort (the ONLY thing I have not tried). If I push my husband too much about things he will become verbally abusive, and he is emotionally abusive. My daughter's therapist suggested I say "its us or the alcohol" and move out for a while. He said this at the behest of my daughter who would never say this to my me. She says she is afraid of her dad because he is so loud and she doesn't really want a relationship with him. My husband says he is saved and is a believer, and that God tells him to toil and work at the sweat of his brow. His only accomplishment is his work, because he will say that he must not be an alcoholic because he goes to work.

A few weeks ago his friend came over spent a couple of nights, left my son at home and took the chairlift up the mountain and drank for 3 hours, then came home and through the F word around a hundred times (according to my 17 year old son). I am so tired of this, nothing changes. If I ask for change he will say I am crazy. Oh, and I found porn sites on his phone (well still shots). He said he would not look at anything again, and then I found porn sites and dating sites one after the other, and he called me crazy saying it was my fault that I opened up a junk email he had. He said he clicked a link to unsubscribe and Tinder and disgusting sites came up. I never knew he could lie so much. He will spend all weekend watching movies on the couch, even romantic movies because he says he is a hopeless romantic, yet he won't even kiss his wife. He lost his wedding ring the second month he had it, and I thought that rings bothered him so I never (in 19 years) asked him to wear one, and then I recently realized that he SHOULD WANT to wear a wedding ring, especially when he likes to go hang out at the pub alone. I told him no more going to the pub alone, he must bring me because we are married, and he agreed. Still I caught him at the pub. I am now hypervigilant. I hate this.

I found a brand new income controlled apartment that the kids and I could move into for 6 months or a year. We can afford it. I am a student and am able to get help, plus my kids can get services in town and I can actually meet people and get myself to church. I am so tired and living with an addict makes you feel like the crazy one. I don't know if I can take much more of this because I see HE is hurting and doesn't even know it.
Lord, I ask you to come into her life and surprise her with your Light. She has tried everything, taking this all into her own hands to force her issues. Please, Lord, surprise her with you. The one thing she hasn't tried yet is you. Please take her into your hands and show her your strength compared to her weaknesses. Amen.
 

ahhope4u

Junior Member
May 30, 2017
4
0
0
#11
i am sorry - either way Al-anon is good support group to be in even though you have had counselling- consistant support is necessary when living with addiction- there are some scripture that say we should be evenly yoked- but as a mom with special needs kids- kids should be first- I don't see that taking the time and space to both heal and figure out what's important is wrong, just be honest with him and if you go, you must also be willing to accept that[FONT=Open Sans, sans-serif]he might think that it is permanent. "Be strong and courageous, I am with you " Joshua, [/FONT][FONT=Open Sans, sans-serif][/FONT]
 

Idagirl

Junior Member
Sep 21, 2017
9
0
0
#12
Just wondering, if your husband always had this addiction, why is it bothering you now? Its kind of like marrying a fat person and then 19 years into the marriage deciding they needed to lose weight. He was a beer drinker when you married him, so you've changed, not him.
This completely makes sense Dan58.

To answer your question, I married him at 21 (now I am 41), he said he would stop the partying before we got married. Stupid me. I was a believer in Christ, but not mature in Christ. Why now, is because my last 5 classes (I'm finishing up my psych degree) have been my neuropsychology classes (brain and behavior, cognitive/neuropsychology, health psychology). I have learned exactly and to what extent alcohol, marijuana, and nicotine affect the brain.

The second reason is that one month ago I found out he had been using "dirty pictures" and porn sites (which he denies) to get a "release" instead of being intimate with me. I also saw dating sites in his browsing history (not just tinder, but sex dating sites). I don't think he has physically cheated, he swears he hasn't, but now I am wondering if he is just an extremely good liar. He puts on a perfect show for his parents, has made me out to be "crazy", and treats me like I am his mormon mother (he left the church at 17) who he needs to keep everything secret from.

October 7th is our 19th wedding anniversary, and that same day Gary Chapman, the author of 'The 5 Love Languages' is putting on a seminar close by. I asked my husband if he wanted to go and he said "no I wouldn't go to that, it wouldn't do any good."

The apartment will be ready October 10th. The deposit is due this Friday, so I have a lot of praying to do. To be honest, I guess what hurts the most and what may be driving this for me is the fact that at this point he would choose alcohol over us. That is the addiction, and I fear that if I stay and enable his behavior, his health will go on a downward spiral. My goal would be for reconciliation, I just don't think it can happen while we are in the same home.
 

Idagirl

Junior Member
Sep 21, 2017
9
0
0
#13
Very good advice. If we go it will be out of love and with hope of reconciliation. I feel that my kids will do better in a Christ-centered home, as opposed to this fighting. I love my husband and don't want to lose him...but I am prepared that I might. I have never been brave enough to leave. The author of the 5 Love Languages is holding a seminar on the same day as our anniversary, but he my husband said it wouldn't do any good. Thank you for the prayers.
 

Idagirl

Junior Member
Sep 21, 2017
9
0
0
#14
Amen... thank you. I will do what God wants me to do. I just have trouble hearing. Your prayer will help.
 

Idagirl

Junior Member
Sep 21, 2017
9
0
0
#15
Thanks Nehemiah,

I feel that God wants me to depend on no one but Him. Not my husband, not my kids, not my mom...just Him. Now if I can just hear without feeling the confusion.
 

Idagirl

Junior Member
Sep 21, 2017
9
0
0
#16
You are right Prof910, I am no innocent party. I have done plenty to anger him, and I have pushed and said hurtful things. I am not the most easy to live with, and he is a great provider, but I have the weight of the world on my shoulders being both mom and filling in as spiritual leaders to my kids who are lost. My demands on him are probably too much. I need to think about how much input I should allow my kids to have in this potential move.
 

Idagirl

Junior Member
Sep 21, 2017
9
0
0
#17
Amen... thank you. I will do what God wants me to do. I just have trouble hearing. Your prayer will help.
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
63,062
1,867
113
#18
Well, you've already said you feel like God is calling you to leave, sooo.. what's the next step?? What is your plan?

Amen... thank you. I will do what God wants me to do. I just have trouble hearing. Your prayer will help.
 

OneFaith

Senior Member
Sep 5, 2016
2,044
234
63
#19
Hi everyone...sorry so long...

My 19th wedding anniversary is on Oct 7th. I am just about to turn 41 years old. I have two special needs kids (ages 15 and 17). I feel like my marriage has made me physically and mentally ill. My husband has always been a drinker since I met him, and also a smoker. In the last couple of years I really started to understand addiction better, and my husband is a true functional alcoholic. His life revolves around skiing (with beer), hiking (with beer), camping (with beer), walking the dogs to the pub (to get beer). He never wants to do father/son things. He never wants to hang out with our daughter.

Last week I noticed that he was pounding beers in the car before he would walk in the door (he says just one beer). Since I asked him about that and cleaned out the 24 smashed beer cans out of his car, he now pulls over just down the street to have a drink (or two?). He used to go out with the guys he worked with or skied with and at least three nights per year didn't come home until the next day. He won't kiss me because then I will complain about him smoking. He knows I will complain about him drinking too much, so he evades me. For the past 17 years he has lived his own life, and when I have asked him to stop for the sake of the kids he said no. I have prayed and prayed and asked for help and 7 years of marriage therapy alone...and the only thing I haven't tried is what I feel God is calling me to do....leave.

My husband says this is who he is. I have prayed and prayed and prayed, listened to sermons, read books, and I honestly feel God is calling me to leave as a tough love effort (the ONLY thing I have not tried). If I push my husband too much about things he will become verbally abusive, and he is emotionally abusive. My daughter's therapist suggested I say "its us or the alcohol" and move out for a while. He said this at the behest of my daughter who would never say this to my me. She says she is afraid of her dad because he is so loud and she doesn't really want a relationship with him. My husband says he is saved and is a believer, and that God tells him to toil and work at the sweat of his brow. His only accomplishment is his work, because he will say that he must not be an alcoholic because he goes to work.

A few weeks ago his friend came over spent a couple of nights, left my son at home and took the chairlift up the mountain and drank for 3 hours, then came home and through the F word around a hundred times (according to my 17 year old son). I am so tired of this, nothing changes. If I ask for change he will say I am crazy. Oh, and I found porn sites on his phone (well still shots). He said he would not look at anything again, and then I found porn sites and dating sites one after the other, and he called me crazy saying it was my fault that I opened up a junk email he had. He said he clicked a link to unsubscribe and Tinder and disgusting sites came up. I never knew he could lie so much. He will spend all weekend watching movies on the couch, even romantic movies because he says he is a hopeless romantic, yet he won't even kiss his wife. He lost his wedding ring the second month he had it, and I thought that rings bothered him so I never (in 19 years) asked him to wear one, and then I recently realized that he SHOULD WANT to wear a wedding ring, especially when he likes to go hang out at the pub alone. I told him no more going to the pub alone, he must bring me because we are married, and he agreed. Still I caught him at the pub. I am now hypervigilant. I hate this.

I found a brand new income controlled apartment that the kids and I could move into for 6 months or a year. We can afford it. I am a student and am able to get help, plus my kids can get services in town and I can actually meet people and get myself to church. I am so tired and living with an addict makes you feel like the crazy one. I don't know if I can take much more of this because I see HE is hurting and doesn't even know it.
On your end, you are obviously under much stress and need to talk to someone. I feel your pain, and agree that what he is doing is wrong. However, you cannot leave the home unless you and/or the kids are being abused. And you can never divorce him unless he physically cheats on you with another physical person. I understand that porn is counted as committing the sin of adultery- but that is between him and God's spiritual covenant. Your marriage is a physical covenant. He has to physically cheat on you to break that covenant, and unless he does, you cannot divorce him with God's permission. You agreed to God, in front of witnesses, to be married to him for better or worse, until death parts you.

On his end, he needs propfessional help- rehab. But first he has to want that help- which first he has to repent- which takes maturity, and love for God, and fear to disobey God. He is claiming to be a Christian, yet is living as a drunkard. Therefore, the Bible says "With such a one do not even eat." That means you withhold the relationship bonding (not the marriage). How do you do that? When you all sit down to dinner, get up from the dinner table and take your plate elsewhere until he repents. Have a private meeting with the elders of the church, and explain the situation.
 

Breakthrough

Junior Member
Feb 15, 2017
4
0
0
#20
Dear Idagirl, I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I understand it is not an easy situation. Would you consider talking to your pastor and seek Christian counseling? I'm lifting you up in prayer & sending you love & blessings. The words of Jesus came to my mind and wanted to share with you.
John 10:10 The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy, I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.
God bless you.