Trying my best.....need advice

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Scott21

Guest
#1
#1
My fiance and my self have been together for 3 years and have a beautiful 2 year old son. I'm 47 and she's 30. I'm having trouble trusting her and have had suspicions for some time that she may be having an affair. In the beginning of the relationship everything was wonderful, I'm a born again Christian that has been saved for many years. She has recently become born again but I believe that she's still young yet in the Lord and worldly influence may be leading her to make the wrong decisions. I feel like she doesn't look at me or love me the same as she used to...help
 
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spunkycat08

Senior Member
#2
Dec 7, 2013
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#2
OP:

Why are you afraid your fiance is having an affair?

What are your fears regarding this based on?

What evidence do you have regarding anything you posted in your OP?
 
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HisHolly

Guest
#3
#3
You're unmarried and living in sin. Both of you are making wrong choices..Doors are wide open for seductive spirits to entice, especially if it was founded on lust. Lust doesn't satisfy. I bring up lust because you having been saved should have regarded the Bible as the standard for love, relationships. Bible is clear on sex , love and what they are..Noting out of His will is guaranteed to last.. You should seek Him, only He can really help..
 
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Depleted

Guest
#4
#4
Scott21 said:
My fiance and my self have been together for 3 years and have a beautiful 2 year old son. I'm 47 and she's 30. I'm having trouble trusting her and have had suspicions for some time that she may be having an affair. In the beginning of the relationship everything was wonderful, I'm a born again Christian that has been saved for many years. She has recently become born again but I believe that she's still young yet in the Lord and worldly influence may be leading her to make the wrong decisions. I feel like she doesn't look at me or love me the same as she used to...help
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If you have been saved for many years, how did you end up living with her and having a son? Did marriage just not come up? Also, how would you know if she's being influenced worldly if you're living in worldly sin? Kind of like saying your a Christian and something is wrong with the car you stole. Well, yeah! That's certainly wrong all right.
 
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Scott21

Guest
#5
#5
Thanks,good council ,I'm born again but still make mistakes, when we had our baby we were engaged, does that not qualify as godly love.we still plan on marriage just have a few issues....
 
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HisHolly

Guest
#6
#6
If you love her, fight in prayer. Not 5 minutes but as your life depends on it.. of course mistakes are made, everyone makes them.. I pray for your heart, nothing is worse than betrayal by your partner.. if indeed that's what's happening..
 
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Scott21

Guest
#7
#7
Thank you, I do and will continue to pray ,I hope so much that I'm wrong...thanks for the support, bless you.
 
Dan58

Dan58

Senior Member
#8
Nov 13, 2013
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#8
Scott21 said:
Thanks,good council ,I'm born again but still make mistakes, when we had our baby we were engaged, does that not qualify as godly love.we still plan on marriage just have a few issues....
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You still put the cart before the horse. God instituted an order for doing things for our benefit; You meet someone, fall in love, get married, and then have sex (kids). It works pretty well when we follow those specific instructions, but things get complicated (issues) when we don't do things in order.. I'm not judging, just making a point of fact.

You need to find out for certain whether she's having an affair, and if so, I'd advise leaving. You've been in an uncommitted relationship for 3 years, so I suspect there's a reason you never married? Talk to her about the concerns you've expressed here, ask her if she's lost interest or is involved with someone else.

I doubt 'worldly influence' is the cause of her making poor decisions, she's just losing interest. There's a considerable age gap between you too. The key word is to "communicate". Find out what her feelings are, you can't make any definitive decisions until the unknown is unveiled. Maybe the spark has just gone out of the relationship?

Bottom line is that you can't keep living under a cloud of suspicion, no one needs that kind of anxiety. Talk and clear the air, don't be afraid of the answers you might get, and don't hesitate to end the relationship if your suspicions are true... jmo
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#9
Feb 21, 2014
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#9
Scott21 said:
Thanks,good council ,I'm born again but still make mistakes, when we had our baby we were engaged, does that not qualify as godly love.we still plan on marriage just have a few issues....
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Godly love is in MARRIAGE, not simple engagement. You've been saved for alot longer than she has. You should have known beforehand, that living together pre-marriage and having premarital sex are sins and go against God's commands.. And if, IF she IS cheating on you, then why in God's name would you still want to marry her? :confused: That's just inviting more trouble into your already messed-up relationship. :/
 
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Scott21

Guest
#10
#10
Feeling so heartbroken I try to talk to her but she just doesn't talk much I have my baby with her and the thought of leaving my son tears me apart, if she has been unfaithful would it be wrong for me to forgive her and try to make it work ?
 
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kaylagrl

Guest
#11
#11
Scott21 said:
Feeling so heartbroken I try to talk to her but she just doesn't talk much I have my baby with her and the thought of leaving my son tears me apart, if she has been unfaithful would it be wrong for me to forgive her and try to make it work ?
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As others have said, marriage should have been first, but that is the past. God forgives that if you ask. So now assuming you have asked forgiveness that is in the past and under the blood. But you still need to get married to make it right before God. All that being said you need to know for certain what is going on. If she is cheating you need to know the truth and why she is doing so. Keeping a relationship together for the sake of your child is an error in thinking. If you have an unfaithful partner what will that teach your son about women? Children suffer in broken homes but more so in homes with fighting parents. You need to find out some answers and make sure this woman is worthy of marriage. Or even wants to be married and in a long term relationship. Worrying isn't going to change a thing. You need to know for certain,bring it into the light and deal with it openly.
 
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Scott21

Guest
#12
#12
Thank you for your reply everything you said makes a lot of sense, I'll continue to try to talk to her, I pray with her everyday, I wish for her to love the Lord like I do I, love him so much but I know that isn't going to happen until the Lord's ready to make it happen.....
 
tourist

tourist

Senior Member
#13
Mar 13, 2014
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Tennessee
#13
I think that a big part of the problem is the age difference. Another is living together outside of marriage. Your problems are not insurmountable but you both need to place God in the center of your relationship for your mutual love and respect to florish. The evident lack of trust is also very disconcerting. I recommend pre-marital counseling to see where you both stand and take it from there. Regardless, something seems to be seriously lacking. Try to initiate daily devotion, reflection and prayer together. This would be a good start. Welcome to CC.
 
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Scott21

Guest
#14
#14
Thank you, I'll keep trying....
 
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Depleted

Guest
#16
#16
Scott21 said:
Thanks,good council ,I'm born again but still make mistakes, when we had our baby we were engaged, does that not qualify as godly love.we still plan on marriage just have a few issues....
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My brother was roughly your age and his wife was roughly your wife's age when they became engaged because they were having a baby. They were married by the time my nephew was born. He's not even a believer.

A mistake is when you meant to buy blue paint, but you bought green paint. How did you accidentally forget to get married for another two years and counting?

And again, if you can't tell the difference, how are you figuring out if she's the one being worldly? You're still being worldly.

I'm not nitpicking some minor point. If you have no clue what the deal with getting married is, why in the world should she trust YOUR lead to begin with? You're not leading! You're pretending you accidentally bought green paint!

And is it cheating if you can't even commit after having the child?

Seriously? No. This isn't godly love. This is balancing on a fence for whatever reason you think benefits you. It sounds closer to the 30 year old figured that out first.
 
JesusLives

JesusLives

Senior Member
#17
Oct 11, 2013
14,551
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#17
First off you need to get into counselling to talk these things out. Maybe the long engagement has made her feel insecure and she has gone looking for security? Only you can answer the question....Being a woman I know we like to feel safe and secure. Being engaged is one thing but not security.

You have a child in the mix now and it is heart breaking especially if the relationship doesn't work out. Prayer and much of it counselling for sure to sort out if this will work and if both of you agree, please rush to the alter and secure this family. I know you have heard the family that prays together stays together. Both of you need to put God first in this relationship and follow His lead.

Dear Father In Heaven

Please help things to work out for this couple/family according to Your will and I pray for a good result for them. In Jesus Name Amen.
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#18
Feb 21, 2014
70,869
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#18
You need to move out, so that the two of you aren't living in sin anymore.. The time to have gotten married SHOULD have been BEFORE you got her pregnant.. This situation is a train wreck in progress.
 
Dan58

Dan58

Senior Member
#19
Nov 13, 2013
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#19
Scott21 said:
Feeling so heartbroken I try to talk to her but she just doesn't talk much I have my baby with her and the thought of leaving my son tears me apart, if she has been unfaithful would it be wrong for me to forgive her and try to make it work ?
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You don't need a long conversation, just ask her if she's having an affair? Nothing wrong with forgiving her if you so choose, but once trust is broken, its very difficult to restore a relationship. In the worst case scenario, file for joint custody. Let us know how it goes and good luck.
 
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MollyConnor

Guest
#20
#20
You need to talk to her and seriously consider moving out. Like some of the posts have said, you are living in sin, brother. You don't want those curses on you. Make it right.

Why don't you go get married at the courthouse this weekend?
If you think she is cheating on you though, you really need to ask her and tell her to be honest with you. Ask her what it is that she wants and if she really wants to marry you. There's no need to live in sin continuously if you guys aren't going to get married, right?
I know if I were engaged, I would want to get married within a year. I can't believe you all have waited for three years. Is this because of her? Because it seems that you are eager to get married, but maybe she's not? Talk to her and talk to God.
I'll be praying for you, brother. Hope it goes well.
 
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