Trying to choose husband over parents

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Nov 14, 2017
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#1
This is a little follow up to a post I made earlier about my husband not wanting to go around my family at all. Though I don't completely agree with his decision I'm going to stay with him for the upcoming holiday. I feel a little guilty and sad for my parents but that's the right Christian thing to do right? I asked them to apologize and my dad reached out but not in a sincere way and my husband said come back when your sincere basically. My parents have done wrong things but I do wish he didn't want to cut them off. On the other hand I wish my parents would try a little harder on the apology. I guess I'm just looking for some reassuremrnt that staying with my husband is the good decision
 

Tommy379

Senior Member
Jan 12, 2016
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#2
You're doing the right thing.

The marriage covenant is between man, woman, and God. Not parents, in-laws, out laws, friends, and cousins.
 
Feb 7, 2015
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#3
We don't "try" to choose..... we DO IT.
 
H

heartofdavid

Guest
#4
Maybe visit the parents after christmas.

I am ALWAYS glad when theses holidays are over. My wife is in her own little world.
You are doing right for sure.
 

Ugly

Senior Member
Apr 19, 2011
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#5
It's the commitment you made before God. I'd say you can't get more reassuring than that.
 

Oby

Member
Dec 22, 2017
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#6
I believe what others are saying is true. The commitment you made before God is most important.
It sounds like your husband isn't cutting them off entirely. He wants a sincere apology. There is hope there. He hasn't said he will never speak with them no matter what, has he?
Meanwhile you shouldn't feel like you have to choose between them. You can love all of them equally. It isn't exactly the same situation but my parents divorced when I was young and I love them both even though they do not love each other.
Your parents love you, check. Your husband loves you, check. If they love each other that's a bonus. You aren't missing out on love. They are.
 
Nov 14, 2017
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#7
I believe what others are saying is true. The commitment you made before God is most important.
It sounds like your husband isn't cutting them off entirely. He wants a sincere apology. There is hope there. He hasn't said he will never speak with them no matter what, has he?
Meanwhile you shouldn't feel like you have to choose between them. You can love all of them equally. It isn't exactly the same situation but my parents divorced when I was young and I love them both even though they do not love each other.
Your parents love you, check. Your husband loves you, check. If they love each other that's a bonus. You aren't missing out on love. They are.
I just feel guilty for not spending the time with my parents I usually do on the holidays. It's hard because I was on my parents side for s time but we went to counseling and I than decided just some seperation would be good while me and my husband work on our marriage. Now they are all sad and playing the victim and saying I'm not honoring them like the Bible says
 
D

Depleted

Guest
#8
This is a little follow up to a post I made earlier about my husband not wanting to go around my family at all. Though I don't completely agree with his decision I'm going to stay with him for the upcoming holiday. I feel a little guilty and sad for my parents but that's the right Christian thing to do right? I asked them to apologize and my dad reached out but not in a sincere way and my husband said come back when your sincere basically. My parents have done wrong things but I do wish he didn't want to cut them off. On the other hand I wish my parents would try a little harder on the apology. I guess I'm just looking for some reassuremrnt that staying with my husband is the good decision
First, your husband didn't shut and lock the door. He told your dad what he could do to persuade hubby to change his mind. (Sincere apology.)

Second, you're not doing anything different than most of us have had to do during the holidays. There is always a choice -- her parent's house, his parent's house, or home. Mathematically, we cannot do all three at the same time, (unless we're living in a very crowded house. lol) Most people who get married have to make that decision every year. And most people feel guilty for the choice they did make. It's not real guilt. (Real guilt is sin guilt.) It's a change in tradition.

Assurance? How about going for a very merry Christmas at home with hubby? That's a good thing!
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
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#9
As a married woman your husband is a higher priority over your parents. It does appear that neither your husband or parents get along. While both sides seem to have issues it becomes imperative for your parents to make a sincere effort to patch things up and smooth the path of reconciliation.
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
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#10
I just feel guilty for not spending the time with my parents I usually do on the holidays. It's hard because I was on my parents side for s time but we went to counseling and I than decided just some seperation would be good while me and my husband work on our marriage. Now they are all sad and playing the victim and saying I'm not honoring them like the Bible says
Your parents way of thinking is wrong. As I mentioned in a previous post your parents are no longer #1 because you're a married woman now and you're rightly sticking by your man. Honoring your parents means respecting them, and caving in to their demands. If they are sad that is their issue, not yours and certainly not your husband. You should feel no guilt over this. This happens to most married couples every year, especially the holidays. You could compromise and rotate when you and your husband visit them. Of course, if they are cold to your husband and go out of their way to make him uncomfortable I don't blame him in the slightest not wanting to squander a holiday being in a place that he's not really welcomed.
 

oldethennew

Senior Member
Feb 28, 2016
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#11
if you sincerely know that your parents are right in God's eyes, then go
with the hearts that you have known from birth...
 

Angela53510

Senior Member
Jan 24, 2011
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#12
When you marry, you become one with your spouse, and leave your parents. Time to start doing what your husband wants, and let go of your parents!

Parents should never come between a husband and wife. You need to understand that your husband comes first. The commandment to honour your parents is NOT the same as obedience. Honouring means you don’t yell at them, call them names, use or abuse them. If they are throwing this commandment in your face, they are 100% in the wrong.

Tell them you love them, but your submission is first to God, then to your husband, and then respectfully hang up. I’ve heard of men being tied to their mother’s apron strings, you are the first woman. Any implication that you are being disrespectful by siding with your husband, says they have a big problem!

I suggest you read the Boundaries book by Cloud and Townsend, and start building a few boundaries with your parents!
 

Beez

Senior Member
Nov 27, 2017
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#14
I just feel guilty for not spending the time with my parents I usually do on the holidays. It's hard because I was on my parents side for s time but we went to counseling and I than decided just some seperation would be good while me and my husband work on our marriage. Now they are all sad and playing the victim and saying I'm not honoring them like the Bible says
I'm sorry, Seeking, but this is so divisionary -- that they would lay it on you that you are not honoring them as the Bible says. To me, it looks like they taught you well, that would choose to be with your husband, especially as you are helping to work on and heal your marriage. There is no greater honor toward those who reared you than for you to put your marriage first at this time.
 

Ugly

Senior Member
Apr 19, 2011
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#15
You made a choice to marry. Your made a choice to commit to your husband.
You made this commitment to God and before God.
God's standard is that commitment is greater than that of the one to your parents.
A consequence of what you chose.
Easy? Not at all and I don't envy you, so not trying to make it sound easy. But the answer is easy. The action is difficult.
 

oldethennew

Senior Member
Feb 28, 2016
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#16
we will never know the whole story - if this is an 'abuser' of any sort, then
the question of 'loyal', becomes evident...
 

Oby

Member
Dec 22, 2017
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#17
Another thought to consider...
If you love your husband and he loves you and treats you well, your parents should love him for this.
If your parents love you unconditionally they will want you to be with the man you love and they should put their own priorities aside. They will support your decision to honour your husband as you have made the commitment to him before God and they raised you to follow God. They raised you well.
 

10-four

Senior Member
Oct 13, 2017
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#18
When I first met my ex I didn't get along with either of her older brothers.This went back to highschool. They were jocks and I was a leather coat wearing long haired metal head.They would fight me and my younger brother and sometimes we'd initiate the fight.Then when I started dating their sister things got worse and it escalated once we married.I never had a problem with her parents but I stayed away from their family gatherings because of her brothers and she stuck right by my side.Years later me and one of her brothers became and still are good friends. Now when it comes to your husband it's best to stick with him because of the vow the both of you made before God.It sounds harsh to suggest not being with your parents on the holiday..but truthfully your duty lies with the man you married and vice versa. I pray it all works out for all of you.Be blessed.
 

oldethennew

Senior Member
Feb 28, 2016
7,607
425
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#19
Another thought to consider...
If you love your husband and he loves you and treats you well, your parents should love him for this.
If your parents love you unconditionally they will want you to be with the man you love and they should put their own priorities aside. They will support your decision to honour your husband as you have made the commitment to him before God and they raised you to follow God. They raised you well.[/QUOTE
====================================================

what a sweet, precious post, (as long as 'abuse' is not included') with lots of 'hope',
but unfortunately, this is very 'rare'...
 

maxwel

Senior Member
Apr 18, 2013
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#20
Parents or spouse?


I flat out tell my family I'm not coming to visit because I'm spending Christmas alone with my spouse...

and I don't even have one.