Unbiblical Remarriage - In need of guidance.

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woooahap

New member
Oct 15, 2019
2
5
3
#1
I come to you today seeking some advice. Here is my story:
I divorced my first husband in 2017. I was unfaithful. I make no excuses. I destroyed my family. I remarried shortly after to a man who was also unfaithful to his vows. Shortly after (actually immediately after) my second husband became extremely abusive. Emotional abuse progressed to his infidelity, sexual abuse, control, relentless accusations.. he began to act out on paranoid delusions stating that I was unfaithful with at least 30 different men.. that I was poising him and drugging children. Physical abuse. Involuntary mental health commitment. It all ended with complete abandonment about nine months after we wed. This man he turned into is just not the man that I knew. I remember when I was younger I was baptized, but I had no faith up until this point. I questioned Gods existence. I never paid any mind to how a Christian should live. This led me to self-medicating as I couldn’t take the depression anymore. My heart was shattered. I had lost everything. It was at that lowest point I called out to God for help, I truly believe he saved me. I have to forever live with the fact that my selfishness caused so much pain. I have asked God for forgiveness. I have apologized to my first husband and done all that I can to restore what he lost as a result of our divorce. Apologized to my children. I have also apologized to the wife my ex-husband left behind.

My abusive ex has moved away, back with family (his abuse came with legal consequences). He believed that divorcing me and moving back home would solve the problems that he was facing, as if God was punishing him for his adultery and the only way to solve the problem was to get rid of me. His family, including his ex wife, enabled his behavior by downplaying his mental health struggles and blocked every attempt I made to get him help. (even though they warned me ahead of time that he struggled with severe depression and antisocial disorders). He was cold in his abandonment, and refused to even communicate for a while, yet maintained that he was devoting his life to God. Which I fully support, I’ve prayed that God would intervene in his life. He has apologized to me for the things he had done, but had no desire to reconcile or do anything to make things right (as he believes divorcing me. Recently, a concerned friend reached out to me because he had posted some things online that she thought I should know. He posted that his health was failing, he was unable to keep his job, that the doctors tell him his symptoms are all in his head and he was to the point where he prayed God would call him home. This broke my heart, despite the pain he put me through I don’t wish him harm. I think understanding his struggles a little better allowed me to get to a place of forgiveness with him.

My question (sorry if I got off track, I feel the backstory is important), is where do I go from here in regards to upholding the vows made before God? I know that the remarriage was adultery, but I also don’t believe that breaking a second vow was the answer. I know that scripture doesn’t allow me and my first spouse to reconcile. Is reconciliation the desired outcome between me and my second spouse? I want to make it clear that I am not at a point of even wanting that. I want God to continue his work in both of us. If that is not the outcome should I remain unmarried from here on out? I am new to understanding this and am open to seeing how others interpret the situation. Should I still be fighting for this failed marriage?
 

Bingo

Well-known member
Feb 9, 2019
1,823
1,384
113
#2
"Perhaps the Christian Family Forum would be the place to take this.
I have learned we should get our own life in order before there is hope
of fixing past issues. Not letting go of the past...the past will not let go of us."
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7seasrekeyed

Senior Member
Aug 27, 2017
8,078
3,450
113
#3
what would we be good for you, would be for you to get to know you

consolidate and don't involve yourself with anyone else

intimate involvement with another person is not the answer to getting yourself straightened out

I would interpret your life or my own, from the Bible

that is, study it, pray alot and by not means fight for failure, but FIGHT for your own success and your relationship with God who knows all about your situation and is waiting for you to GO TO HIM for the advice you need so badly

hugs in Jesus
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
68,557
6,732
113
#4
You don't know your 2nd husband AT ALL. Considering you remarried shortly after divorcing the 1st one, you didn't take time to get to really know the 2nd one. You basically went from the frying pan straight into the fire. :/

Your 2nd marriage was adultery, so I don't think God would honor those vows. Either way, both of you cheated in your respective relationships. No offense, but you need to stay single, because all your relationships seem to end in disaster for all involved.

2nd hubby has too many issues, which are NOT yours to take on. God will help him ONLY if he WANTS to change. God cannot and will not force him to change. You're better off without him, and you need to work on YOUR own issues..
 

Locoponydirtman

Well-known member
Oct 9, 2018
1,487
959
113
Texas
#5
Those vows are broken already, there is no honoring them, so forget it. There is no going back, we only get one go at this. Time to move forward and do what 7seasrekeyed, said.
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
28,885
7,276
113
64
Florida
#6
My question (sorry if I got off track, I feel the backstory is important), is where do I go from here in regards to upholding the vows made before God? I know that the remarriage was adultery, but I also don’t believe that breaking a second vow was the answer. I know that scripture doesn’t allow me and my first spouse to reconcile. Is reconciliation the desired outcome between me and my second spouse? I want to make it clear that I am not at a point of even wanting that. I want God to continue his work in both of us. If that is not the outcome should I remain unmarried from here on out? I am new to understanding this and am open to seeing how others interpret the situation. Should I still be fighting for this failed marriage?
At this point there is no longer any vows to uphold before God. Your second marriage was a disaster too and since your ex husband has moved on it would be in your best interest to let this matter go as there is nothing left to reconcile.

It is good to want God to continue His work in you and the X but that will take work and determination on your part. My counsel is to tell God you're sorry for the marital mess and other sins in your life, accept the shed blood of Jesus dying on the cross for your sins and invite the Holy Spirit into your heart to comfort and guide you in the repentance process. The important thing at this moment is not the failed marriages but your own personal relationship with the Lord. As for remaining unmarried that is between you and God but based on your past history this is not something that I would dwell on but rather give your focus on becoming in a more spiritually whole state. Glad to have you as part of our community. Welcome to CC.
 

Mii

Well-known member
Mar 23, 2019
695
447
63
#7
You have to forgive yourself. I believe the Lord's forgiveness is certainly there when we err...


From my reading you were unfaithful in the first and your second husband was unfaithful in the second. So there is nothing more to uphold. So, get some counseling about it and continue to bring it before the Lord.


Also consider the woman at the well that Jesus talked to. This is NOT an encouragement to continue in destructive behavior, but just to see that forgiveness is there, when sincere.

Do some self-inventory. Do some writing and do some reading :)

Hope this self-doubt lessens for you.
 

woooahap

New member
Oct 15, 2019
2
5
3
#8
You don't know your 2nd husband AT ALL. Considering you remarried shortly after divorcing the 1st one, you didn't take time to get to really know the 2nd one. You basically went from the frying pan straight into the fire. :/

Your 2nd marriage was adultery, so I don't think God would honor those vows. Either way, both of you cheated in your respective relationships. No offense, but you need to stay single, because all your relationships seem to end in disaster for all involved.

2nd hubby has too many issues, which are NOT yours to take on. God will help him ONLY if he WANTS to change. God cannot and will not force him to change. You're better off without him, and you need to work on YOUR own issues..
I appreciate your response. My second husband was
You have to forgive yourself. I believe the Lord's forgiveness is certainly there when we err...


From my reading you were unfaithful in the first and your second husband was unfaithful in the second. So there is nothing more to uphold. So, get some counseling about it and continue to bring it before the Lord.


Also consider the woman at the well that Jesus talked to. This is NOT an encouragement to continue in destructive behavior, but just to see that forgiveness is there, when sincere.

Do some self-inventory. Do some writing and do some reading :)

Hope this self-doubt lessens for you.
He was unfaithful in his first, we left our spouses for each other. I can’t put into words how much a I regret that. I just want to do right by God now.
 

Mii

Well-known member
Mar 23, 2019
695
447
63
#9
Move forward. Not fall into repeat error... It does not do to dwell on mistakes in the past and rest there. Rest in the present in his presence

Phillipians 3:14 :)
 

1christian1

Active member
Sep 13, 2018
759
243
43
#10
I come to you today seeking some advice. Here is my story:
I divorced my first husband in 2017. I was unfaithful. I make no excuses. I destroyed my family. I remarried shortly after to a man who was also unfaithful to his vows. Shortly after (actually immediately after) my second husband became extremely abusive. Emotional abuse progressed to his infidelity, sexual abuse, control, relentless accusations.. he began to act out on paranoid delusions stating that I was unfaithful with at least 30 different men.. that I was poising him and drugging children. Physical abuse. Involuntary mental health commitment. It all ended with complete abandonment about nine months after we wed. This man he turned into is just not the man that I knew. I remember when I was younger I was baptized, but I had no faith up until this point. I questioned Gods existence. I never paid any mind to how a Christian should live. This led me to self-medicating as I couldn’t take the depression anymore. My heart was shattered. I had lost everything. It was at that lowest point I called out to God for help, I truly believe he saved me. I have to forever live with the fact that my selfishness caused so much pain. I have asked God for forgiveness. I have apologized to my first husband and done all that I can to restore what he lost as a result of our divorce. Apologized to my children. I have also apologized to the wife my ex-husband left behind.

My abusive ex has moved away, back with family (his abuse came with legal consequences). He believed that divorcing me and moving back home would solve the problems that he was facing, as if God was punishing him for his adultery and the only way to solve the problem was to get rid of me. His family, including his ex wife, enabled his behavior by downplaying his mental health struggles and blocked every attempt I made to get him help. (even though they warned me ahead of time that he struggled with severe depression and antisocial disorders). He was cold in his abandonment, and refused to even communicate for a while, yet maintained that he was devoting his life to God. Which I fully support, I’ve prayed that God would intervene in his life. He has apologized to me for the things he had done, but had no desire to reconcile or do anything to make things right (as he believes divorcing me. Recently, a concerned friend reached out to me because he had posted some things online that she thought I should know. He posted that his health was failing, he was unable to keep his job, that the doctors tell him his symptoms are all in his head and he was to the point where he prayed God would call him home. This broke my heart, despite the pain he put me through I don’t wish him harm. I think understanding his struggles a little better allowed me to get to a place of forgiveness with him.

My question (sorry if I got off track, I feel the backstory is important), is where do I go from here in regards to upholding the vows made before God? I know that the remarriage was adultery, but I also don’t believe that breaking a second vow was the answer. I know that scripture doesn’t allow me and my first spouse to reconcile. Is reconciliation the desired outcome between me and my second spouse? I want to make it clear that I am not at a point of even wanting that. I want God to continue his work in both of us. If that is not the outcome should I remain unmarried from here on out? I am new to understanding this and am open to seeing how others interpret the situation. Should I still be fighting for this failed marriage?

No...
 

Adstar

Senior Member
Jul 24, 2016
5,185
1,966
113
#11
I come to you today seeking some advice. Here is my story:
I divorced my first husband in 2017. I was unfaithful. I make no excuses. I destroyed my family. I remarried shortly after to a man who was also unfaithful to his vows. Shortly after (actually immediately after) my second husband became extremely abusive. Emotional abuse progressed to his infidelity, sexual abuse, control, relentless accusations.. he began to act out on paranoid delusions stating that I was unfaithful with at least 30 different men.. that I was poising him and drugging children. Physical abuse. Involuntary mental health commitment. It all ended with complete abandonment about nine months after we wed. This man he turned into is just not the man that I knew. I remember when I was younger I was baptized, but I had no faith up until this point. I questioned Gods existence. I never paid any mind to how a Christian should live. This led me to self-medicating as I couldn’t take the depression anymore. My heart was shattered. I had lost everything. It was at that lowest point I called out to God for help, I truly believe he saved me. I have to forever live with the fact that my selfishness caused so much pain. I have asked God for forgiveness. I have apologized to my first husband and done all that I can to restore what he lost as a result of our divorce. Apologized to my children. I have also apologized to the wife my ex-husband left behind.

My abusive ex has moved away, back with family (his abuse came with legal consequences). He believed that divorcing me and moving back home would solve the problems that he was facing, as if God was punishing him for his adultery and the only way to solve the problem was to get rid of me. His family, including his ex wife, enabled his behavior by downplaying his mental health struggles and blocked every attempt I made to get him help. (even though they warned me ahead of time that he struggled with severe depression and antisocial disorders). He was cold in his abandonment, and refused to even communicate for a while, yet maintained that he was devoting his life to God. Which I fully support, I’ve prayed that God would intervene in his life. He has apologized to me for the things he had done, but had no desire to reconcile or do anything to make things right (as he believes divorcing me. Recently, a concerned friend reached out to me because he had posted some things online that she thought I should know. He posted that his health was failing, he was unable to keep his job, that the doctors tell him his symptoms are all in his head and he was to the point where he prayed God would call him home. This broke my heart, despite the pain he put me through I don’t wish him harm. I think understanding his struggles a little better allowed me to get to a place of forgiveness with him.

My question (sorry if I got off track, I feel the backstory is important), is where do I go from here in regards to upholding the vows made before God? I know that the remarriage was adultery, but I also don’t believe that breaking a second vow was the answer. I know that scripture doesn’t allow me and my first spouse to reconcile. Is reconciliation the desired outcome between me and my second spouse? I want to make it clear that I am not at a point of even wanting that. I want God to continue his work in both of us. If that is not the outcome should I remain unmarried from here on out? I am new to understanding this and am open to seeing how others interpret the situation. Should I still be fighting for this failed marriage?
Ok,, reading your post and please correct me if i am wrong on the next two points..

1) You where guilty of being unfaithful to your husband and your first marriage ended..

2) Your second husband was guilty of being unfaithful to you and then your second marriage ended..

If i have got the 2 above statements correct ( and again if i am mistaken please do not get angered or upset just reply and correct me ) Then both divorces are acceptable by the standards that Jesus said in His Gospel.. And i quote..

Matthew 5: KJV
31 "It hath been said, Whosoever shall put away his wife, let him give her a writing of divorcement: {32} But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery."

So Jesus declared that if one of the partners has been unfaithful because they are guilty of fornication then divorce is acceptable..

Jesus did not say that a formerly married couple after divorce cannot reconcile and remarry.. And i will invite anyone who thinks they have scripture saying this to reply to my post and correct me..

Therefore you are free to try reconcile with either your first husband, If he will forgive you and wants you back.. Or your second husband if you will forgive Him and you want him back..
 

notuptome

Senior Member
May 17, 2013
13,532
1,835
113
#12
Question one: Why do you want to be married?

Question two: Why should God be expected to fix the mess you created?

Suggestion. Stay single for at least one year more likely two or more would be better.

For the cause of Christ
Roger
 

7seasrekeyed

Senior Member
Aug 27, 2017
8,078
3,450
113
#13
IMO, too many people simply want permission to do what they already know is wrong

and somehow expect God to 'fix it' when it all goes south

this applies to just about everything in life and not just marriage, but marriage sure does seem to be a favorite topic with people that forge ahead while KNOWING their actions are not in line with the Bible

we all have a conscience and whether or not it is seared depends on our obedience or disobedience because we make choices

every

single

day
 

Absolutely

Well-known member
Jul 23, 2018
2,910
724
113
#14
Stop fretting over vows
Get vows out of your head.
Focus on Jesus. Make your commitment to him. See it as a circle. He is the hub/center. Ask yourself "where am i in this picture?".
Proceed towards the hub/Jesus.
Now,let all else proceed from there.
Your life will become an adventure. As long as you are bogged down in the issues of life,life is hard and full of pain.
You need a game changer. Our degree of victory is NOT IN how great things/marriage/children/job/etc are going. That is a life of circumstances.
What you need is a dynamic that is ABOVE AND BEYOND your circumstances.
I will give an example;
I was backed into an impossible corner. You know the feeling. It feels like your chest is filled with spiders or something. I looked up to heaven and began to say Jesus,Jesus,Jesus,Jesus....

I never will forget what happened. I was driving and praying. I can still see the stopsign and the street i was on.
Jesus simple said "I AM WITH YOU" when i came to that stop sign.

Get it? It said STOP AND I STOPPED.
THEN he spoke.
Those 4 words from heaven turned the devil away,filled my spirit,blew out the spiders,and put joy back into me.

So,look at it this way. In a sense your problem is joy. If God comes in like a river,JOY ALWAYS FOLLOWS.

GET SOME JOY MY FRIEND. (JESUS)
AND STOP FRETTING. BECAUSE IF YOU DO IT LIKE I'M TELLING YOU, you will start enjoying the ride,insted of emotions amd impulses riding you like a stick horse into the ground.

Flip the whole thing on its head and dance on this world and its pain.
 

Absolutely

Well-known member
Jul 23, 2018
2,910
724
113
#15
man.
I think i got more out of that than any of you.

I'm gonna gets me some joy!!!!
 

Angela53510

Senior Member
Jan 24, 2011
10,739
1,796
113
#18
Do not go back to husband #2 under any circumstances. He is an abusive narcissist. He will not change, but he will draw you back, use you and then abuse you. In family dynamics, this is called The Cycle of Abuse. Please google these, and read up on it.

Which brings us to the second part. You need to get counselling. You left a good family and marriage for an abusive man. You knew nothing about him. You need to figure out what triggered this huge deviation from your normal life. If something is lacking, for example, you need to learn to not fill that hole with adulterous men, but fill it with Jesus. To recover from both these failed marriages, you need to spend at least one or two years on learning who you are. You might even need more time than that.

Even if you got back together with your first husband, you owe it to him and your kids to have worked towards becoming a whole person. You have already started that, with what seems like a real commitment to Christ. But you still have a lot of work to do.

The game is not finding the right man to make you happy. The goal is to figure out how you can love and serve God. So forget about all vows except the one you made to Christ. Read your Bible daily. If you read 3 chapters of the OT and 1 of the NT, you can get through the Bible in a year. Learn what it says, pray and seek God's will for your life. What if God told you to remain single the rest of your life? Would you do it?

Forget about the mess, and learn God's will. I know he will bring good out of it, and clean up the mess, too.

As far as your legalistic questions, work on your relationship with God. That is what matters above everything!
 

1christian1

Active member
Sep 13, 2018
759
243
43
#19
Do not go back to husband #2 under any circumstances. He is an abusive narcissist. He will not change, but he will draw you back, use you and then abuse you. In family dynamics, this is called The Cycle of Abuse. Please google these, and read up on it.

Which brings us to the second part. You need to get counselling. You left a good family and marriage for an abusive man. You knew nothing about him. You need to figure out what triggered this huge deviation from your normal life. If something is lacking, for example, you need to learn to not fill that hole with adulterous men, but fill it with Jesus. To recover from both these failed marriages, you need to spend at least one or two years on learning who you are. You might even need more time than that.

Even if you got back together with your first husband, you owe it to him and your kids to have worked towards becoming a whole person. You have already started that, with what seems like a real commitment to Christ. But you still have a lot of work to do.

The game is not finding the right man to make you happy. The goal is to figure out how you can love and serve God. So forget about all vows except the one you made to Christ. Read your Bible daily. If you read 3 chapters of the OT and 1 of the NT, you can get through the Bible in a year. Learn what it says, pray and seek God's will for your life. What if God told you to remain single the rest of your life? Would you do it?

Forget about the mess, and learn God's will. I know he will bring good out of it, and clean up the mess, too.

As far as your legalistic questions, work on your relationship with God. That is what matters above everything!

I love what you said...
 

Magenta

Senior Member
Jul 3, 2015
27,539
5,998
113
#20
Jesus did not say that a formerly married couple after divorce cannot reconcile and remarry.. And i will invite anyone who thinks they have scripture saying this to reply to my post and correct me..
From Deuteronomy 24~ When a man takes a wife and marries her, if then she finds no favor in his eyes because he has found some indecency in her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out of his house, and she departs out of his house, and if she goes and becomes another man's wife, and the latter man hates her and writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out of his house, or if the latter man dies, who took her to be his wife, then her former husband, who sent her away, may not take her again to be his wife, after she has been defiled, for that is an abomination before the Lord.