Urges to say things that are not good?

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Apr 30, 2014
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#1
I really need help with this weird situation I've been in for a few months. To make a long story short without going into too many details, my daughters dad and I have agreed to try to take things slow, work on ourselves and our relationship, and be better parents to our daughter. We are both guilty of things in the past, however, I can honestly say I have not done not even half of what he's done but that's not exactly the point. Again, we're trying to start on a new slate and being better people.

I've had these horrible urges to say things that happened long in the past. It is nothing really too bad or even all that serious. Lately, I've been hearing a lot of people telling me to let go of the past but for some odd reason or another, I just can't. With that said as well, these things I've been having the urge to say probably will only cause a lot of unnecessary drama. My own mind has been playing a lot of tricks on me lately and these things, I've been constantly ruminating over almost day and night. Not even sure why but it's driving me insane. I hope I don't sound like a crazy person, I overthink a lot and I know that is an issue.
 

Dino246

Senior Member
Jun 30, 2015
4,818
356
83
#2
Hi Gemmy,
The replaying of old (painful) memories suggests that God is at work, wanting you to deal with that junk. Simply trying to forget or leave things in the past doesn't work; we are made in God's image, and that's not how He operates. We can suppress memories for a while, but not forever. They come out... usually in unpleasant ways.

For me, bringing Jesus into those painful memories made a huge difference. In prayer, and with a journal handy, I walked back into the painful events, acknowledged the hurt and injustice, consciously forgave the perceived offenders, and asked Jesus to heal me. If we try to rationalize the degree of hurt, we will likely either underestimate or overestimate it. The degree is actually irrelevant; the fact of the hurt is what matters.

Another thing that helps for me is asking Jesus to "set a guard over my mouth". Self-control is fruit of the Holy Spirit; He works in us to limit what we vocalize. The memories/urges can be dealt with in prayer later; they are simply evidence of something needing prayerful attention.

I would encourage you to process these things with another woman, older and wiser in Christ than you. :)
 

Lucy68

Senior Member
Jan 21, 2011
2,538
20
0
#3
If the issues are serious maybe a Christian counselor can help?

But you said they are little things. I, too, am guilty of replaying past hurts and holding on to resentments. Knowing full well what the Bible, and especially Christ, said about it... because He forgives us, we need to forgive others. I think this means giving up our rights. Our 'right' to be hurt or offended because lots of times, it's a legitimate hurt.

Going by my own experience with my husband, it seems that guys can let go of things and move on. But I seem to have trouble letting go of an unaddressed hurt. To me, it's like saying 'it's ok to do that, no big deal'...but it is a big deal, to me. It must be because I keep replaying it in my head. I wonder if this is the DNA of Eve. She was 'deceived' by Satan. He got inside her head and defeated her. So...we have to really work on the tapes playing in our head. I know I start making all kinds of assumptions which probably are not true. Then I get all worked up and can't think straight. Does this sound familiar? I wonder if this is one of the best strategies Satan has against women.

One book that really helped me is Joyce Meyer's "Battlefield of the Mind". She is so cool...she isn't afraid of using her own querky personality to teach biblical truths. I'm sure it's good teaching for men too but women just love her teaching. It's like she's teaching just to me...explaining how the Eve DNA works.

Maybe, when you're calm, you can have a heart to heart talk with your husband? Sometimes what we hear isn't exactly what was said...or what they said wasn't really what they meant. Communication is a tricky thing! I think it's best to try to talk it out. I might start with my husband and say " dear, I know this is rather silly, but when you said blah, blah,blah...that kind of hurt. What did you really mean?" Hopefully, he won't say "you're right.. that is silly"! Try not to get mad if he does. We are all rather dense sometimes. Maybe then I would proceed with "well, silly or not, it hurt and I just want you to know that. And when I say something that is hurtful to you, please let me know". Many arguments start from misunderstandings and just plain thoughtlessness. If we remain calm and address only the issue of the moment, our marriages would work better.

I think Focus on the Family has some resources about 'fighting fair' in a marriage. Some people don't like that word fight or say they never fight. If that is true then there is a lot underlying resentment because failure to acknowledge a problem does not make it go away.

Praying for you and your husband. Wow, that's great that you've made that commitment to each other!
 

notuptome

Senior Member
May 17, 2013
11,327
366
83
#4
Fill your mind with scripture and impure thoughts will find little ground in which to take root.

Ps 119:9 BETH. Wherewithal shall a young man cleanse his way? by taking heed thereto according to thy word.

For the cause of Christ
Roger
 

Depleted

Senior Member
Dec 13, 2015
22,166
480
83
Philly, PA, USA
#5
I really need help with this weird situation I've been in for a few months. To make a long story short without going into too many details, my daughters dad and I have agreed to try to take things slow, work on ourselves and our relationship, and be better parents to our daughter. We are both guilty of things in the past, however, I can honestly say I have not done not even half of what he's done but that's not exactly the point. Again, we're trying to start on a new slate and being better people.

I've had these horrible urges to say things that happened long in the past. It is nothing really too bad or even all that serious. Lately, I've been hearing a lot of people telling me to let go of the past but for some odd reason or another, I just can't. With that said as well, these things I've been having the urge to say probably will only cause a lot of unnecessary drama. My own mind has been playing a lot of tricks on me lately and these things, I've been constantly ruminating over almost day and night. Not even sure why but it's driving me insane. I hope I don't sound like a crazy person, I overthink a lot and I know that is an issue.
Agreeing completely with Dino, but also wondering which kind of things from the past. There are two kinds of things:
1. Stuff that was resolved as best as it will ever be resolved.
2. Stuff not resolved, just left hanging.

The first should just be stored in the attic, (brain), until you're ready to throw it out... or, until it becomes fond memories to look at occasionally.

The second needs to be resolved.

I've got a mansion-sized attic of such stored relics. I've got stuff still roaming around my attic from people I will never see again to resolve them. But one thing I don't have is unresolved with hubby. One thing we never let build between us -- resentment.

We always talk if something is bothering us. And we listened. Because honestly, quite a few times we resented something, but when we talked it over, it became a good memory. Good because the other one never intended whatever happened to be taken as something negative.

The funniest time was I thought hubby was mad at me because the place I ordered dinner from gave him a cold burger. He got really angry, and I thought he was angry because I ordered. I had a bit of a hissy fit, (and a bit of a hissy fit is like "I don't cry." I say that often when I'm crying, but usually when it's beyond a simple tear. When it develops into a full-blown blubber. So hissy-fit is more like watching a two year old having a "hissy fit." Most people would call that a "full-blown temper tantrum." lol), and wasn't going to come downstairs for the rest of the night, except for one little detail. I didn't eat my dinner first, so I was hungry. Very hungry. So, I come downstairs, he's quietly watching TV and eating his french fries and an egg sandwich. (What's wrong with him? Why didn't he know I was angry? And the stupid part of that was I fully intending to yell at him and tell him to get out, if he had come up to talk to me.
:rolleyes:) So, I burst out why I was angry and he started laughing.

Ends up he had the exact reaction he was supposed to have. He was angry because he paid for a cold sandwich and nothing could be done about that except either drive over for something that cost $4, or make something else for dinner. He was over it before I even stomped on that first stair to go upstairs, and he was never angry with me. Just the cold burger. And, he had absolutely no idea I went upstairs and slammed the door (he's hard of hearing lol), because I was angry. By the time I came back down he thought I had taken an unusually long time to go to the bathroom and he was worried my dinner would be cold. lol

So, had we not talked about it, (and yes, I ended up laughing at myself for taking it out this far), something as silly as a cold burger could have ended up long-term resentment.

And, just to be clear, this story happened 2-4 years ago, so do not chalk this up to thinking "Yeah, but you've grown up since then." Noper. This is the stuff that happens in marriage forever. And, yupper, the reason we need to talk to spouse even over the slightest possible hurt feeling, or it does grow into resentment.

There is only one place on earth where people take us for who we are -- warts and all -- and we are safe there. HOME! The only way that happens is to talk to the ones who live with us honestly. And if something is eating us, even that.

If you hide it, you'll never know if you were safe to show it. AND, you'll never know if it was something you read right or not.

I'm glad your hubby and you are working toward renewing your marriage. That includes the stuff that doesn't seem all together important in the grand scheme of life. But then again, how important is one cold burger in the grand scheme of life? Obviously, something I made way too important, but only because I read him wrong. But now it is a funny memory to pull out once in a while.
 

Nehemiah6

Senior Member
Jul 18, 2017
5,437
384
83
#6
My own mind has been playing a lot of tricks on me lately and these things, I've been constantly ruminating over almost day and night. Not even sure why but it's driving me insane. I hope I don't sound like a crazy person, I overthink a lot and I know that is an issue.
Hi Gemmy,

When people accumulate a lot of junk, they know the smart thing to do is to gather it all up and take it to the city dump and be rid of it. As to all this mental junk that is floating around in your mind, imagine that you have acquired a coffin and deposit all your mental garbage into it. Then in your mind nail it shut and bury it 12 feet deep. Then forget it about it. Let it rot and turn to dust.

If you both have decided to make a fresh start and move forward spiritually, then you must not carry your old baggage around anymore. And rather than focus on mental garbage, why don't you take Paul's advice? It is actually God's advice.

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. (Phil 4:8).
 

Angela53510

Senior Member
Jan 24, 2011
9,889
695
113
#7
I agree that Phil. 4:8 is a great Scripture to memorize and meditate on. Every time these bad thoughts come up, just say this verse, and really think deeply about what it means.

Some things are just not resolvable, and we need to move on. Others do need to be resolved, as Depleted has said. And if those things are truly hurting your relationship with your husband, you need to stop being in denial, and address them, one way or another. That might mean Christian counselling, or examining if your marriage can be saved.

I am a great believer in saving marriages. It is better in every way than divorce, except the following. If you are being hurt or abused, or he is committing adultery, (in the present) those are deal breakers. And abusers and adulterers are famous for promising the moon, and then not following through.

Not sure if that is your situation! I hope you can figure out these issues. But for the benefit of all, including your children.
 

notuptome

Senior Member
May 17, 2013
11,327
366
83
#8
I agree that Phil. 4:8 is a great Scripture to memorize and meditate on. Every time these bad thoughts come up, just say this verse, and really think deeply about what it means.

Some things are just not resolvable, and we need to move on. Others do need to be resolved, as Depleted has said. And if those things are truly hurting your relationship with your husband, you need to stop being in denial, and address them, one way or another. That might mean Christian counselling, or examining if your marriage can be saved.

I am a great believer in saving marriages. It is better in every way than divorce, except the following. If you are being hurt or abused, or he is committing adultery, (in the present) those are deal breakers. And abusers and adulterers are famous for promising the moon, and then not following through.

Not sure if that is your situation! I hope you can figure out these issues. But for the benefit of all, including your children.
Her profile says she is not married. She describes him as the father of her child.

She is looking in the right direction. A good church and both her and her babies daddy getting right with God seems the only path that can lead to a positive conclusion.

For the cause of Christ
Roger
 

Ugly

Senior Member
Apr 19, 2011
20,502
509
113
#9
I really need help with this weird situation I've been in for a few months. To make a long story short without going into too many details, my daughters dad and I have agreed to try to take things slow, work on ourselves and our relationship, and be better parents to our daughter. We are both guilty of things in the past, however, I can honestly say I have not done not even half of what he's done but that's not exactly the point. Again, we're trying to start on a new slate and being better people.

I've had these horrible urges to say things that happened long in the past. It is nothing really too bad or even all that serious. Lately, I've been hearing a lot of people telling me to let go of the past but for some odd reason or another, I just can't. With that said as well, these things I've been having the urge to say probably will only cause a lot of unnecessary drama. My own mind has been playing a lot of tricks on me lately and these things, I've been constantly ruminating over almost day and night. Not even sure why but it's driving me insane. I hope I don't sound like a crazy person, I overthink a lot and I know that is an issue.
Sounds like a bad habit. The more you do something the deeper it digs into your brain (physically actually) and the harder it gets to change. But it is possible to change. You have to redirect the habitual thought with a different, better thought. Scriptures on forgiveness may work well for this. Also positive things about him will work as well.