Verbal abuse

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K

KD

Guest
#1
Hi everyone. What is the biblical approach to take if a spouse is being verbally and emotionally abused, yet the abuser is not convicted of this at all?
 

maxwel

Senior Member
Apr 18, 2013
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#2
That's not really enough information to understand the situation.

You need to talk to someone privately and share a little more information.
I'd recommend finding a mature Christian woman in the chat room, or maybe in the women's forum, and asking for some advice and counsel.
 
K

KD

Guest
#3
Im hesitant to post a lot of information, but do need help. i will do that Thank you
 

Ugly

Senior Member
Apr 19, 2011
20,701
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#4
Very few abusers are Ever remorseful. They have a very, very low rate of change. My personal opinion on the matter, is that i always encourage people to leave abusive relationships. I don't believe for one second God expects a person to live their lives beat down physically, mentally or emotionally, by a spouse. I have talked to and been friends with a number of women who have faced various levels of abuse. I have read on the subject some, both about abusers and victims, and the cases of things working out is rare. One of the key elements of Any abuser is that their actions are the fault of the victim. "She got me so mad i couldn't control myself. If she hadn't done X action i would never have gotten so mad". Its never "i lost control".
I know people will disagree with me. Someone will likely come on here quoting scriptures and put me down, as is often the case (ironically). But unless God wants to show me i'm wrong, i believe you should get out and never look back. To me abuse, like cheating, is breaking the marriage vows.
 

loveme1

Senior Member
Oct 30, 2011
8,007
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#5
Forgiveness my friend.

Pray for those that hurt you, Pray that you receive strength and guidance.

Peace and Blessings in the name of Yahvah GOD and Yahshua the Messiah.
 
1

1corinthians13

Guest
#6
I agree with Ugly (feel weird typing that LOL). I dealt with abuse and worked a lot with victims in my volunteer work. Abusers tend to also be victims or abuse or have gone through some type of tragic event that triggered that level of anger. They're rarely convicted while they are abusers... This usually happens after the victim leaves them and since I am not God I cannot say with confidence that they are actually convicted or change.

There are two verses that come to mind.

Genesis 1:27 says God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. To me this says if you abuse someone (verbally, physically, emotionally, financially, etc) you are not acting in accordance to God's image (the classic what would jesus do?).

The second is 1st Corinthians 13 ;). God provides us with a detailed, beautiful explanation of what love is and certainly what it is not. It's nor rude or self seeking. It's not easily angered. It keeps not record of wrong doing. It always protects. ---- If this is true, how could any form of abuse be love? be right in the eyes of the Lord?
 
Oct 31, 2011
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#7
I think it depends on the situation. My Dad had a habit of being so sarcastic it was abusive, but Mom and us kids learned to react to the kindness and love also in him. My husband became so abusive to me for awhile that I went to a psychiatrist for help. He pointed out that my husband looked at my ability to express myself and my superior education as an indication I was superior, and didn't understand his many abilities. In his frustration, he was abusive. He taught me to handle it by increasing my listening and talk only after lots of listening, and to make him understand his abilities. That worked.

I have watched my saintly neighbor quietly listen to abuse from her husband with no reaction to it at all. He also does things that expresses his love for her, and she says the abuse is just the way he is and the love is the real him.

Sometimes the abuse is an indication they are dangerous, lack the ability to love, and God would want you to protect yourself by distancing yourself before it gets worse.

The way to handle it that is not of God at all is to take the abusers word for who you are instead of who God says you are. God would want you to turn on the abuse as wrong, but not turn on the abuser himself.
 
K

KD

Guest
#8
Praise God for each and every one of you. I was directed to this website late last night and was quite desperate. How amazing it is that you all have taken the time to share a response and that we all collectively love and look to God first and foremost. I have a lot to pray about and to meditate on from this thread, and I just cannot appreciate love or thank you enough.
 
Sep 26, 2013
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#9
[h=3]I know what it was like to contantly get verbally abused, being on the recievng end of his anger all the time everytime i approached him, I practiced the verse below,
Proverbs 15[/h]King James Version (KJV)

15 A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.

then God lead me to do something couageous, getting to the "spider of his angry web"
I contacted his mother whom he was estranged from for 10 yrs because that was what she was really angry at and he was taking it out on me from the begining. i told him fearing nothing to lose because i lost everything and I thought what ever happens he was no loss to me anyway, so i told him I sent the letter to his mother and he started to look up divorce websites, I stood knowing what I did was right and stood in courage and awe of God, he became softer and alot more tamer to live with and less angry, that was 3 yrs ago,
 
Sep 26, 2013
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#10
...then give the stored up words of abuse up to God in prayer, because oneday It will come out from you what he invested in you back onto him later on down the track when he is a different man the bible says 1 Peter 3:9 King James Bible
Not rendering evil for evil, or railing for railing: but contrariwise blessing; knowing that ye are thereunto called, that ye should inherit a blessing.
 
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4

4Hizcall

Guest
#11
I'll be praying for you both. It's difficult when the other person is not convicted. Forgiveness does not always come easy. I suggest talking with your pastor or a close Christian friend who is equipped to give Godly counsel on this issue.
 
Nov 7, 2012
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#12
tell them they have poor reasoning.
 
J

JoyofLord

Guest
#13
Move out, unless they are willing to change or go to counselling you do not deserve to be treated like this. If they do not admit what they are doing is wrong and seek help they will never change. Actions speak louder than words. A lot of abusers say I am sorry I will change but they never do anything about it. The point here is not that they are abusing you but the point is why are you letting them do it to you? God wants the best for you, this is not the best.
 
A

AmberGardner

Guest
#14
James 3:9 With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God's likeness.
10
Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be.
11 Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring?
12
My brothers and sisters, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water.


Love builds up! Not tears down :)

1 Corinthians 8:1
Now about food sacrificed to idols: We know that "We all possess knowledge." But knowledge puffs up while love builds up.

Proverbs 12:18
The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.

Bible speaks a lot about the words we use.


 
Sep 8, 2012
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#15
Kick 'em in the balls in Jesus' name.

(Just Kidding)

Listen, just make Jesus your husband. - I mean live for Jesus.
Do your duties as a wife, but just put Jesus first, always love the Lord your God with all of your heart, soul, mind, and strength.

This will show your husband the truth of Jesus' love, (this is the gospel).
It will pour coals of spirit fire on his head, and before you know it, he will see it, and recognize the Agape love that God has shown to you, (and which you are living)
Many millions of spouses have been saved this way.
- Piece O' Cake.
 

Angela53510

Senior Member
Jan 24, 2011
9,949
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#16
Garbage, Rick. An abuser is a abuser and no amount of love, being a good wife or not fighting back will change him.

God can change him, but a wife's behaviour will not.

I think you need to go to a victim services, charge him with battering next time he hits or hurts you physically (easier to prove than verbal abuse). Then take some courses on the cycle of abuse. Learn the dynamics of abuse. Then assess your situation, and whether you are strong enough to go back and not end up in the same vicious downward cycle.

Here is a link to the cycle of abuse. See if it applies to you - sometimes he is nice and sometimes he is abusive. This is totally about him, but YOU need to remove yourself from the situation and charge him so he will take you seriously. Especially if this has been going on for a long time.

Domestic Violence Cycle of Abuse | Wheel of Abuse | Destructive Effects of The Cycle of Abuse

You might like to read it too, Rick! Abuse is NOT a situation that a woman is going to change by being a better wife. Because the issue is the man, not the woman.
 

Set3

Junior Member
Jan 1, 2018
3
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#17
I'm tired, exhausted really. My husband has found new ways of abusing that I never knew existed. I'm pregnant, he demanded I keep it but won't acknowledge that I am. He took every penny I had, I have no way to eat or buy gas. He's bankrupted my parents even. Even with a court order for no contact he finds ways to be verbally and emotionally abusive through friends and family or threatens them and me. I am afraid of him, but if I tell the judge that things just get worse. I am afraid to be without, because I am unable to care for myself. I am afraid to be alone even, because the things he says eat away at my mind. And yes, I am in counseling, but the whole once a week thing doesn't exactly help in the middle or aftermath of an issue. It has gotten so bad that even my family won't talk to me because of what he's said or done. He has even gotten his friends to post on social media to have everyone we both know ignore me and isolate me more. I am scared and feel so alone.
 
Jan 8, 2018
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#18
I'm tired, exhausted really. My husband has found new ways of abusing that I never knew existed. I'm pregnant, he demanded I keep it but won't acknowledge that I am. He took every penny I had, I have no way to eat or buy gas. He's bankrupted my parents even. Even with a court order for no contact he finds ways to be verbally and emotionally abusive through friends and family or threatens them and me. I am afraid of him, but if I tell the judge that things just get worse. I am afraid to be without, because I am unable to care for myself. I am afraid to be alone even, because the things he says eat away at my mind. And yes, I am in counseling, but the whole once a week thing doesn't exactly help in the middle or aftermath of an issue. It has gotten so bad that even my family won't talk to me because of what he's said or done. He has even gotten his friends to post on social media to have everyone we both know ignore me and isolate me more. I am scared and feel so alone.
so sorry for your pain i am in an abusive relationship also have you read the book living with the dominator by pat craven? i think he fall into classic abuser patterns
 

Set3

Junior Member
Jan 1, 2018
3
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#19
He does, but it's a lot more complicated than that. He isn't the 'typical abuser' he's suffering from severe PTSD and mental instability. Not an excuse, but he doesn't have control over himself, especially when he blacks out. His verbal abuse and emotional abuse typically come from a state of paranoia rather than just control.
 
Aug 8, 2017
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#20
I'm tired, exhausted really. My husband has found new ways of abusing that I never knew existed. I'm pregnant, he demanded I keep it but won't acknowledge that I am. He took every penny I had, I have no way to eat or buy gas. He's bankrupted my parents even. Even with a court order for no contact he finds ways to be verbally and emotionally abusive through friends and family or threatens them and me. I am afraid of him, but if I tell the judge that things just get worse. I am afraid to be without, because I am unable to care for myself. I am afraid to be alone even, because the things he says eat away at my mind. And yes, I am in counseling, but the whole once a week thing doesn't exactly help in the middle or aftermath of an issue. It has gotten so bad that even my family won't talk to me because of what he's said or done. He has even gotten his friends to post on social media to have everyone we both know ignore me and isolate me more. I am scared and feel so alone.
Verbal/emotional abuse can sometimes be worse then physical abuse, because with verbal/emotional abuse the hurt and pain does not heal as fast as it does with physical abuse, it stays there in your head and it eats at you and it keeps hurting you, even years later it could still have an effect on you. you need to find the courage and strength to get away from him and everything that is associated with him. you said your family wont talk to you but im sure if you really left your relationship that would change.
you need to ask your family for forgiveness for what ever it is that he put them through and make a promise (and keep that promise) to never give him an opportunity to do or say whatever it is he did or said.
you say he got his friends to ignore you and isolate you, well good you don't need to see anything he or his friends are posting. you have to cut it all out of your life. as a matter of fact you should give yourself some time away from social media right now you don't want any chance to see or hear anything about him.
I know breaking away from someone who is hurting you is easier said then done when your in love, but I also know it can be done cause I did it. you might doubt that u will have the strength to do it but you know where you get your strength from? you get it from that little baby growing inside of you. Do you want your son doing that to somebody? No of course not cause he will end up alone and as a mommy you got to teach your son how to be a GOOD man and how to treat people. Would you want your daughter to allow some man to treat her the way your man is treating you? No of course not because you know she deserves better then that. Either way whether you have a boy or girl if you stay in a relationship like the one your in your child will grow up thinking that kind of behavior is acceptable and that is how you treat someone you love.
So let that be your strength, if you cant do it for yourself then do it for that unborn child inside of you.
and just so you know it is normal to miss someone and it is normal to cry and be sad when you leave someone you love so allow that to happen and allow God to start the healing process.

I wish you the best of luck.
Christina