Verbally abusive husband

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darej

New member
Jul 19, 2019
18
6
3
#1
I have a 12 years old daughter and I recently (2 years ago) married a guy who was supposedly christian. We went to church together, read the Bible. After our marriage when we moved in together in our new condo, he started to change. He started to be verbally abusive, not just towards me but my daughter as well. He called us names, putting me and my daughter down, to the point when my daughter is "afraid" of him, not because he would ever physically hit her ( which he never did and would never do) but because of the yelling, name calling etc. We are walking on eggshells at home.....not knowing what we come home to. And it is getting worse and worse. Now he swears with God's name, calling me names...it's awful. He stopped coming to the church with us and now I'm at the point when I don't know what to do. I don't care how ignorant, rude, or un-loving he is towards me (which is very depressing) but it's very hurtful and unacceptable how he is towards my daughter. I don't want him to "ruin" her with his controlling and putting down attitude.....I'm so lost what to do. I know this is not a reason to get divorce, but what about my daughter? I can't have this man ruin her! ☹️
 

maxwel

Senior Member
Apr 18, 2013
8,655
1,864
113
#2
You need to talk to your pastor.

You need to talk to someone who knows you, and knows your family.
That's where I would start.

When we're emotionally distressed we don't make good decisions.
Don't try to quietly sort this out on your own.
Go talk to your pastor.
 

Leastamongmany

Well-known member
Jun 2, 2019
3,270
1,252
113
Usa
#3
Father,I bring this family before you! You see the change first of all in the man here,you alone can see his heart. Bring him to a repentant state before you,Holy Spirit I pray you bring conviction into His heart. Help him to see the state he is in and humble himself before you and ask forgiveness and seek your face. Make this mother and daughter strong in you ,Lord that they can overcome this abusive behaviour with peace and joy in their hearts. Lord I believe NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE OR TO HARD FOR YOU,nor that anyone is out of Your reach! Touch in any decision making that is to be undertaken,lead thru your word and prayer what direction must be taken. You gave mothers a special heart for their young,comfort her in her heart that she may comfort her daughter. Lord I ask your love,peace and forgiveness be restored here! In Jesus name! Amen............. I will be praying for your home daily. Love in Jesus!
 

Subhumanoidal

Well-known member
Sep 17, 2018
1,356
1,155
113
#5
I have a 12 years old daughter and I recently (2 years ago) married a guy who was supposedly christian. We went to church together, read the Bible. After our marriage when we moved in together in our new condo, he started to change. He started to be verbally abusive, not just towards me but my daughter as well. He called us names, putting me and my daughter down, to the point when my daughter is "afraid" of him, not because he would ever physically hit her ( which he never did and would never do) but because of the yelling, name calling etc. We are walking on eggshells at home.....not knowing what we come home to. And it is getting worse and worse. Now he swears with God's name, calling me names...it's awful. He stopped coming to the church with us and now I'm at the point when I don't know what to do. I don't care how ignorant, rude, or un-loving he is towards me (which is very depressing) but it's very hurtful and unacceptable how he is towards my daughter. I don't want him to "ruin" her with his controlling and putting down attitude.....I'm so lost what to do. I know this is not a reason to get divorce, but what about my daughter? I can't have this man ruin her! ☹️
One important fact to consider, and feel free to research any of this yourself (in fact i encourage you to) is that abusive personalities rarely change. Typically there's a level of narcissism in abusers. Change requires admitting to your mistakes. If you think so highly of yourself you won't admit you're wrong, thus you can't change. And since typically abusers actually blame the victims for 'making them' act that way, there's further evidence.
Apologies are hollow without change. Many abusers will apologize after, grovel, buy gifts, etc... but this isn't out of any real regret or love, it's to convince you to stay. And this two sided behavior, abuse, then making up, often keeps the victim off balance and unsure of what to do.

To say he would 'never' be physical is Extremely naive. Granted not all verbal abusers become physical, but it more often than not is the precursor to physical abuse. So you're doing a disservice to yourself, and your daughter, by telling yourself this. I'm sure, before you were married you would've said 'he'd never yell at us, call names' but here he is doing it.
I was close friends with a woman that had been married to a verbal abuser. He was verbal for years and years, never once laying a hand on her. But about a year after they split, he pushed her, out in the open, into some bushes. Mind you this was a year After they'd been apart. And there were other signs that, after years of never being physical, he was getting close.

Right now what your daughter is learning is that A) this man is more important to you than her, because you let him stay and act this way B) this behavior is acceptable and not bad. So she runs a much higher risk of either repeating this behavior herself, or becoming the victim of it in future relationships, because that little voice in your head that says 'this is wrong' when it happens will be silenced from years of being taught it's ok.

I've known many women that came from both physical and verbal abuse. It has lasting effects, some that seem to never leave. The longer you stay the more you are allowing yourself, and your daughter, to be permanently damaged. Think about the weight of that guilt 20 years from now.

It's an unpopular belief among Christians, but i'm not convinced for one minute that God's intention in marriage is to force people into staying in dangerous, damaging situations in their own homes. God may not like divorce, but i'm also certain he does not like people breaking vows made to him and abusing the ones they swore to God to protect and provide for. I say get out of their, dump him like a saggy diaper, separate from him in every way possible and don't look back. Anything less, i feel, is a sin.
 
Aug 3, 2019
73
78
18
#6
I have a 12 years old daughter and I recently (2 years ago) married a guy who was supposedly christian. We went to church together, read the Bible. After our marriage when we moved in together in our new condo, he started to change. He started to be verbally abusive, not just towards me but my daughter as well. He called us names, putting me and my daughter down, to the point when my daughter is "afraid" of him, not because he would ever physically hit her ( which he never did and would never do) but because of the yelling, name calling etc. We are walking on eggshells at home.....not knowing what we come home to. And it is getting worse and worse. Now he swears with God's name, calling me names...it's awful. He stopped coming to the church with us and now I'm at the point when I don't know what to do. I don't care how ignorant, rude, or un-loving he is towards me (which is very depressing) but it's very hurtful and unacceptable how he is towards my daughter. I don't want him to "ruin" her with his controlling and putting down attitude.....I'm so lost what to do. I know this is not a reason to get divorce, but what about my daughter? I can't have this man ruin her! ☹️

I am so very sorry you are going through this. I have been through similar myself so I totally understand how painful this is. I was married 23 years and we had 3 children. At the beginning he was very attentive and sweet, but things slowly changed, starting with anger and verbal abuse. He became very controlling, demanding, kept me from friends and family as much as he could. Over the years there were threats, punching walls, throwing things, etc. Then some pushing, raising his fist to punch me but stopping himself. Meanwhile, when we were out somewhere, he always came off as happy go lucky, sweet and loving, everyone loved him. As a Christian, I did not believe in divorce and did not want to put the kids through a split. Christian friends taught me that divorce was accepted by God and the church in the instances of adultery and/or abuse. I was dealing with both, but I did not have to start the divorce....he decided to divorce me because he was involved with another woman. My Ex is now in his 3rd marriage and abusing her in the same ways. Very rarely do they change or improve, it is usually progressive. Are you able at all to talk to him about it? Or would he go talk to the Pastor with you? I don't want to advise you to leave him, but if things are not going to get better, as a mother, you do need to consider your daughter's safety, including verbal abuse and living in fear, not to mention your own mental health. Prayers that God will protect you, and bring you comfort, peace, and wisdom for what to do.
 

Dino246

Senior Member
Jun 30, 2015
10,564
5,115
113
#7
Welcome to CC, Darej ...
I'm sorry to hear of your situation. Sadly, it's not uncommon. If you're a reader, I recommend the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend, two Christian counselors. If you are more inclined to listen or watch videos, check out the videos with Patrick Doyle on TheDoveTV's YouTube channel. There are several that are relevant.

I would also humbly suggest that you seriously consider marital separation as a temporary reprieve. Reconciliation would be subject to his repentance and demonstrated change.
 

darej

New member
Jul 19, 2019
18
6
3
#8
I am so very sorry you are going through this. I have been through similar myself so I totally understand how painful this is. I was married 23 years and we had 3 children. At the beginning he was very attentive and sweet, but things slowly changed, starting with anger and verbal abuse. He became very controlling, demanding, kept me from friends and family as much as he could. Over the years there were threats, punching walls, throwing things, etc. Then some pushing, raising his fist to punch me but stopping himself. Meanwhile, when we were out somewhere, he always came off as happy go lucky, sweet and loving, everyone loved him. As a Christian, I did not believe in divorce and did not want to put the kids through a split. Christian friends taught me that divorce was accepted by God and the church in the instances of adultery and/or abuse. I was dealing with both, but I did not have to start the divorce....he decided to divorce me because he was involved with another woman. My Ex is now in his 3rd marriage and abusing her in the same ways. Very rarely do they change or improve, it is usually progressive. Are you able at all to talk to him about it? Or would he go talk to the Pastor with you? I don't want to advise you to leave him, but if things are not going to get better, as a mother, you do need to consider your daughter's safety, including verbal abuse and living in fear, not to mention your own mental health. Prayers that God will protect you, and bring you comfort, peace, and wisdom for what to do.
Thank you for your words. I am so sorry what you went through. It is not easy, for sure. I tried talking to him, sometimes he is open to talk, but sometimes he just wouldn't say a word to me.....no communication, he just build this wall between us. I went to talk to my pastor, he advised me to pray and fast for him and for our marriage, which i do, but sometimes i just dont have faith and I feel he knows too what he should do and it should be his responsibility as well. I guess i am just mad at him because i feel betrayed. He would not come and talk to our pastor, i dont think so. :-(
 

darej

New member
Jul 19, 2019
18
6
3
#9
You need to talk to your pastor.

You need to talk to someone who knows you, and knows your family.
That's where I would start.

When we're emotionally distressed we don't make good decisions.
Don't try to quietly sort this out on your own.
Go talk to your pastor.
Thank you for your reply. I did talk to my pastor who told me to fast and pray for my husband and the best thing would be if he comes in too and we do the counselling together, but he wouldn't come in. When i pray and fast, things get better a bit, but than it gets worse......like a roller coaster. :-(
 

darej

New member
Jul 19, 2019
18
6
3
#10
Father,I bring this family before you! You see the change first of all in the man here,you alone can see his heart. Bring him to a repentant state before you,Holy Spirit I pray you bring conviction into His heart. Help him to see the state he is in and humble himself before you and ask forgiveness and seek your face. Make this mother and daughter strong in you ,Lord that they can overcome this abusive behaviour with peace and joy in their hearts. Lord I believe NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE OR TO HARD FOR YOU,nor that anyone is out of Your reach! Touch in any decision making that is to be undertaken,lead thru your word and prayer what direction must be taken. You gave mothers a special heart for their young,comfort her in her heart that she may comfort her daughter. Lord I ask your love,peace and forgiveness be restored here! In Jesus name! Amen............. I will be praying for your home daily. Love in Jesus!
Thank you!
 

darej

New member
Jul 19, 2019
18
6
3
#11
One important fact to consider, and feel free to research any of this yourself (in fact i encourage you to) is that abusive personalities rarely change. Typically there's a level of narcissism in abusers. Change requires admitting to your mistakes. If you think so highly of yourself you won't admit you're wrong, thus you can't change. And since typically abusers actually blame the victims for 'making them' act that way, there's further evidence.
Apologies are hollow without change. Many abusers will apologize after, grovel, buy gifts, etc... but this isn't out of any real regret or love, it's to convince you to stay. And this two sided behavior, abuse, then making up, often keeps the victim off balance and unsure of what to do.

To say he would 'never' be physical is Extremely naive. Granted not all verbal abusers become physical, but it more often than not is the precursor to physical abuse. So you're doing a disservice to yourself, and your daughter, by telling yourself this. I'm sure, before you were married you would've said 'he'd never yell at us, call names' but here he is doing it.
I was close friends with a woman that had been married to a verbal abuser. He was verbal for years and years, never once laying a hand on her. But about a year after they split, he pushed her, out in the open, into some bushes. Mind you this was a year After they'd been apart. And there were other signs that, after years of never being physical, he was getting close.

Right now what your daughter is learning is that A) this man is more important to you than her, because you let him stay and act this way B) this behavior is acceptable and not bad. So she runs a much higher risk of either repeating this behavior herself, or becoming the victim of it in future relationships, because that little voice in your head that says 'this is wrong' when it happens will be silenced from years of being taught it's ok.

I've known many women that came from both physical and verbal abuse. It has lasting effects, some that seem to never leave. The longer you stay the more you are allowing yourself, and your daughter, to be permanently damaged. Think about the weight of that guilt 20 years from now.

It's an unpopular belief among Christians, but i'm not convinced for one minute that God's intention in marriage is to force people into staying in dangerous, damaging situations in their own homes. God may not like divorce, but i'm also certain he does not like people breaking vows made to him and abusing the ones they swore to God to protect and provide for. I say get out of their, dump him like a saggy diaper, separate from him in every way possible and don't look back. Anything less, i feel, is a sin.
Hello. Thank you for your reply. I know that what you wrote is all true.....I guess its just hard to make the right decision....or THE DECISION. I know that this environment is not good for my daughter, and i worried about her the most. She is more important to me than him. But i love him as well, and i know our marriage was from God. And its just confuse me even more.........I just dont understand why God would "put me" in this situation? Or maybe it could've worked, if my husband has a soft heart and he humble himself? He could've been changed by God's power? As i know, its nothing impossible to God. He can change him....he is the only one who can change him........but God will not force him........my husband has to make the first step...... :-(
 

Locoponydirtman

Well-known member
Oct 9, 2018
1,407
897
113
Texas
#12
Get a court order for him to move out. Tell him that he has a limited time to get anger management counseling, from a professional and personal counseling from the pastor, and to get marriage counseling together with you. If he refuses to meet those requirements. Read to the bottom of the quote below.
One important fact to consider, and feel free to research any of this yourself (in fact i encourage you to) is that abusive personalities rarely change. Typically there's a level of narcissism in abusers. Change requires admitting to your mistakes. If you think so highly of yourself you won't admit you're wrong, thus you can't change. And since typically abusers actually blame the victims for 'making them' act that way, there's further evidence.
Apologies are hollow without change. Many abusers will apologize after, grovel, buy gifts, etc... but this isn't out of any real regret or love, it's to convince you to stay. And this two sided behavior, abuse, then making up, often keeps the victim off balance and unsure of what to do.

To say he would 'never' be physical is Extremely naive. Granted not all verbal abusers become physical, but it more often than not is the precursor to physical abuse. So you're doing a disservice to yourself, and your daughter, by telling yourself this. I'm sure, before you were married you would've said 'he'd never yell at us, call names' but here he is doing it.
I was close friends with a woman that had been married to a verbal abuser. He was verbal for years and years, never once laying a hand on her. But about a year after they split, he pushed her, out in the open, into some bushes. Mind you this was a year After they'd been apart. And there were other signs that, after years of never being physical, he was getting close.

Right now what your daughter is learning is that A) this man is more important to you than her, because you let him stay and act this way B) this behavior is acceptable and not bad. So she runs a much higher risk of either repeating this behavior herself, or becoming the victim of it in future relationships, because that little voice in your head that says 'this is wrong' when it happens will be silenced from years of being taught it's ok.

I've known many women that came from both physical and verbal abuse. It has lasting effects, some that seem to never leave. The longer you stay the more you are allowing yourself, and your daughter, to be permanently damaged. Think about the weight of that guilt 20 years from now.

It's an unpopular belief among Christians, but i'm not convinced for one minute that God's intention in marriage is to force people into staying in dangerous, damaging situations in their own homes. God may not like divorce, but i'm also certain he does not like people breaking vows made to him and abusing the ones they swore to God to protect and provide for. I say get out of their, dump him like a saggy diaper, separate from him in every way possible and don't look back. Anything less, i feel, is a sin.
Because what this guy said.

Oh, and just as a side note. You may have been too smitten by the attention this guy gave you, but he was always like this, and showed many signs that you ignored. He may not have directed it toward you but he did toward others. When people treat others badly it will come to your door step as well.
 

PennEd

Senior Member
Apr 22, 2013
7,291
3,389
113
#13
I have a 12 years old daughter and I recently (2 years ago) married a guy who was supposedly christian. We went to church together, read the Bible. After our marriage when we moved in together in our new condo, he started to change. He started to be verbally abusive, not just towards me but my daughter as well. He called us names, putting me and my daughter down, to the point when my daughter is "afraid" of him, not because he would ever physically hit her ( which he never did and would never do) but because of the yelling, name calling etc. We are walking on eggshells at home.....not knowing what we come home to. And it is getting worse and worse. Now he swears with God's name, calling me names...it's awful. He stopped coming to the church with us and now I'm at the point when I don't know what to do. I don't care how ignorant, rude, or un-loving he is towards me (which is very depressing) but it's very hurtful and unacceptable how he is towards my daughter. I don't want him to "ruin" her with his controlling and putting down attitude.....I'm so lost what to do. I know this is not a reason to get divorce, but what about my daughter? I can't have this man ruin her! ☹️
So terribly sorry to hear of your troubles. Gosh, I don't know what the right course of action is here. I think separation for a weekend, then if it persists a week, followed by a month, 3 months....

Maybe get your daughter's father to have a "nice" talking to him about how he is treating your daughter?

Dear Heavenly Father, please protect Your daughters. Give this man no rest, til he rests in Your Son. Let him know in no uncertain terms just WHO he is mistreating, YOUR little girls! In Jesus Name I Pray.
 

darej

New member
Jul 19, 2019
18
6
3
#14
So terribly sorry to hear of your troubles. Gosh, I don't know what the right course of action is here. I think separation for a weekend, then if it persists a week, followed by a month, 3 months....

Maybe get your daughter's father to have a "nice" talking to him about how he is treating your daughter?

Dear Heavenly Father, please protect Your daughters. Give this man no rest, til he rests in Your Son. Let him know in no uncertain terms just WHO he is mistreating, YOUR little girls! In Jesus Name I Pray.
Hello,

Thank you for your reply. My daughter's father not in the picture, he hasn't seen her daughter for 8 years at least. I know separation would be a solution, to make him think, but unfortunately i cant go anywhere. I dont have friends who could accommodate me and my daughter for the weekend, or weeks or months. The only way i could separate is if i rent an a apartment and we sell our condo......which would be the end of our marriage....for sure.
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
28,644
7,058
113
64
Florida
#15
I have a 12 years old daughter and I recently (2 years ago) married a guy who was supposedly christian. We went to church together, read the Bible. After our marriage when we moved in together in our new condo, he started to change. He started to be verbally abusive, not just towards me but my daughter as well. He called us names, putting me and my daughter down, to the point when my daughter is "afraid" of him, not because he would ever physically hit her ( which he never did and would never do) but because of the yelling, name calling etc. We are walking on eggshells at home.....not knowing what we come home to. And it is getting worse and worse. Now he swears with God's name, calling me names...it's awful. He stopped coming to the church with us and now I'm at the point when I don't know what to do. I don't care how ignorant, rude, or un-loving he is towards me (which is very depressing) but it's very hurtful and unacceptable how he is towards my daughter. I don't want him to "ruin" her with his controlling and putting down attitude.....I'm so lost what to do. I know this is not a reason to get divorce, but what about my daughter? I can't have this man ruin her! ☹️
Sounds like a good reason to me to get a divorce. Seeing how you only have 2 years invested in this relationship my counsel is, for the sake of your daughter and your own safety and peace of mind, to cut this guy loose. Sooner rather than later. No woman has to tolerate an abusive husband, especially when children are involved.
 

PennEd

Senior Member
Apr 22, 2013
7,291
3,389
113
#16
Hello,

Thank you for your reply. My daughter's father not in the picture, he hasn't seen her daughter for 8 years at least. I know separation would be a solution, to make him think, but unfortunately i cant go anywhere. I dont have friends who could accommodate me and my daughter for the weekend, or weeks or months. The only way i could separate is if i rent an a apartment and we sell our condo......which would be the end of our marriage....for sure.
Give him the option of paying for your weekend separation, then week separation if he continues with abuse and so on. If he refuses, then I think it's time to split. If he says he can't afford a hotel room, tell him to put it on a credit card.

Let him know you aren't going to allow abuse toward you or your daughter.
 

notuptome

Senior Member
May 17, 2013
13,405
1,769
113
#17
Hello,

Thank you for your reply. My daughter's father not in the picture, he hasn't seen her daughter for 8 years at least. I know separation would be a solution, to make him think, but unfortunately i cant go anywhere. I dont have friends who could accommodate me and my daughter for the weekend, or weeks or months. The only way i could separate is if i rent an a apartment and we sell our condo......which would be the end of our marriage....for sure.
Does not sound like you have much of a marriage. Scripture describes marriage like Christ giving Himself for the church. Husbands who are husbands love their wives. Time for your pastor to do more than just suggest you fast and pray. Time for him and the deacons to meet and speak with you and your husband.

For the cause of Christ
Roger
 

darej

New member
Jul 19, 2019
18
6
3
#18
Does not sound like you have much of a marriage. Scripture describes marriage like Christ giving Himself for the church. Husbands who are husbands love their wives. Time for your pastor to do more than just suggest you fast and pray. Time for him and the deacons to meet and speak with you and your husband.

For the cause of Christ
Roger
Hello,
Unfortunately my husband is not willing to come and meet. :-(
 

7seasrekeyed

Senior Member
Aug 27, 2017
7,764
3,302
113
#19
Hi darej

truly sorry you are going through this but it is sadly all too common and in 'Christian' marriages as well

I think you are here because you know you are going to have to make a decision that you wish you did not have to make

as someone already said, the verbal abuse can escalate into physical abuse. sometimes the verbal abuse paves the way for the physical abuse so the woman (or even man) is 'preprogrammed' to respond in a way that allows even for that. doing nothing will ensure your husband continues and it will not get better, let alone stop. he has no reason to stop.

you say the marriage is 'of God'. now how can abuse like that be of God? you need to consult the Bible. husbands are supposed to love and cherish their wives...not create an atmosphere in which the wife is scared and wants to get away. and I have not even mentionned your daughter. what about her?

she has already been affected because you married this person and she is 12...would you like to know what many teenage girls do with such a negative example? bouncing around from man to man is often enough the end result of being subjected to the sort of 'man' you state your husband is.

please go to your local police station and explain the situation. the pastor you went to is not a good shepherd. it seems he is not there to offer the help you really need and that is sadly often the case. you need to take action and I think you know that

your 'husband' needs to be confronted and the police will be happy to talk to him.

I pray you take the above action and do it soon

don't comfort yourself with the words 'God made the marriage' because He did not.

comfort yourself with the words that God knows what is going on and He has your best interests at heart. the man you married does not
 

Locoponydirtman

Well-known member
Oct 9, 2018
1,407
897
113
Texas
#20
Hello,

Thank you for your reply. My daughter's father not in the picture, he hasn't seen her daughter for 8 years at least. I know separation would be a solution, to make him think, but unfortunately i cant go anywhere. I dont have friends who could accommodate me and my daughter for the weekend, or weeks or months. The only way i could separate is if i rent an a apartment and we sell our condo......which would be the end of our marriage....for sure.
That's why you go to a judge and get an injunction making him move out in a legal separation.