Very Concerned about Nephew

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kaylagrl

Senior Member
Oct 18, 2014
12,205
337
83
#1
My sister came home to my parents for the season,we always gather there. We don't see each other often or even talk much on the phone.She's busy with her life and her in laws. But this years visit has really concerned me. First of all my sister is having marriage issues again and her husband has gotten them into such financial trouble that they are taking out a second mortgage on their home. I had no idea they were in that much trouble and I worry about the kids. I have no extra money right now to help or I certainly would. So these two issues bothered me as we talked a bit about them.They left today for home.

After they left my mother called me and said she needed to talk to me about my youngest nephew. They are having problems with him hoarding bits of food and trash in his bedroom. It seems this is something he has just started doing these past few months. Its gotten so bad they can't let him take the trash out alone or he'll swipe things and hide it in his room. He's a very smart and sweet kid but his personality seemed to have changed overnight. He's fighting with his mother and my sister is parenting alone because her husband works nights and sleeps days. After they left today my mother said she went to take a shower and she found all the garbage pulled put of the basket and hidden behind the shower curtain. I really have no idea where to look about what this is and how to help him. Has anyone heard of this or know anyone with this issue? Im really concerned.
 

renewed_hope

Senior Member
May 9, 2016
1,920
104
63
#2
Maybe this poor kid has heard his parents arguing about how to pay for groceries....so what food he does get, he hides in fear of going hungry???

Kids are funny that way as they try to take care of a grown up problem themselves
 

Ugly

Senior Member
Apr 19, 2011
20,658
633
113
#3
Various causes for this behavior, but I believe it's not uncommon after a loss. Or perhaps he fears a divorce impending. In such cases they hold value in objects that can't get up and leave the way people can.
Of course that's not the only reason it happens. A professional would have to make an actual diagnosis.
Hoarding is actually more common than you might think. A&E has had a tv show about it for years. Extreme examples. If not dealt with it can literally take over a home to such a degree that people can be kicked out of their homes by the local government. So if this is just starting I'd say it's urgent to get him so professional help to try and cut it off.

People that hoard for years and years often have great emotional turmoil and an inability to throw things away. Even when their home is at risk of being taken or even condemned.
 

kaylagrl

Senior Member
Oct 18, 2014
12,205
337
83
#4
Various causes for this behavior, but I believe it's not uncommon after a loss. Or perhaps he fears a divorce impending. In such cases they hold value in objects that can't get up and leave the way people can.
Of course that's not the only reason it happens. A professional would have to make an actual diagnosis.
Hoarding is actually more common than you might think. A&E has had a tv show about it for years. Extreme examples. If not dealt with it can literally take over a home to such a degree that people can be kicked out of their homes by the local government. So if this is just starting I'd say it's urgent to get him so professional help to try and cut it off.

People that hoard for years and years often have great emotional turmoil and an inability to throw things away. Even when their home is at risk of being taken or even condemned.

I wasn't sure if it was hording or something else. It doesn't matter whether the garbage is clean or not. There is no doubt he's worried about divorce,he's 9 so I have no doubt he feels the stress of his parents arguing. Since its not my child Im limited as to what I can do.My sister has taken him to a doctor who wants to put him on meds. The older son is already on meds. Personally Im not big on meds for kids but she says it helps him to concentrate.
 

kaylagrl

Senior Member
Oct 18, 2014
12,205
337
83
#5
Maybe this poor kid has heard his parents arguing about how to pay for groceries....so what food he does get, he hides in fear of going hungry???

Kids are funny that way as they try to take care of a grown up problem themselves

​ I know my sister wouldn't let them go hungry,but he may fear that happening. Im just not sure.
 

Ugly

Senior Member
Apr 19, 2011
20,658
633
113
#6

I wasn't sure if it was hording or something else. It doesn't matter whether the garbage is clean or not. There is no doubt he's worried about divorce,he's 9 so I have no doubt he feels the stress of his parents arguing. Since its not my child Im limited as to what I can do.My sister has taken him to a doctor who wants to put him on meds. The older son is already on meds. Personally Im not big on meds for kids but she says it helps him to concentrate.
Meds? That's stupid. They need a new doctor.
They need to find a mental health professional to get counseling, not just dope him up. The drugs aren't helping anything. Unless he's been diagnosed as having other issues as well. But drugs are usually overprescribed.
 

kaylagrl

Senior Member
Oct 18, 2014
12,205
337
83
#7
Meds? That's stupid. They need a new doctor.
They need to find a mental health professional to get counseling, not just dope him up. The drugs aren't helping anything. Unless he's been diagnosed as having other issues as well. But drugs are usually overprescribed.
Honestly my sisters husband is on meds as is most of his family. His mother,sister and a niece are all on meds. Now both the boys are on meds. or will be if they listen to this doctor. I don't know how to talk to my sister about this. She's very touchy about it because her in laws have gone after her about it.Which is odd because they are all on meds.
 

Ugly

Senior Member
Apr 19, 2011
20,658
633
113
#8
All on meds for mental issues?
Something sounds strange about everyone being on meds. Again, sounds like a bad doctor, unless there are legit needs. I'm on a bunch of meds (physical health) but they're for actual needs. But whole family's like that sounds off.
 

kaylagrl

Senior Member
Oct 18, 2014
12,205
337
83
#9
All on meds for mental issues?
Something sounds strange about everyone being on meds. Again, sounds like a bad doctor, unless there are legit needs. I'm on a bunch of meds (physical health) but they're for actual needs. But whole family's like that sounds off.
Yes,all for mental health issues.Her husband has been on meds for years to control temper issues. He seemed to do well for years but has has a relapse. I think that may be the key to my nephews hoarding issue.
 

Adstar

Senior Member
Jul 24, 2016
2,966
242
63
#10
Honestly my sisters husband is on meds as is most of his family. His mother,sister and a niece are all on meds. Now both the boys are on meds. or will be if they listen to this doctor. I don't know how to talk to my sister about this. She's very touchy about it because her in laws have gone after her about it.Which is odd because they are all on meds.
What a tradgic thing to be happening to our societies.. Drugging everyone out like this.. Solves nothing and just makes a lot of money for the medical industries...
 

Demi777

Senior Member
Oct 13, 2014
5,573
378
83
Germany
#11
Meds dont solve problems. They only numb the symptoms. That boy needs to feel loved and safe, he doesnt seem to feel that way so it could be a survival instinct. Just my opinion.
 

kaylagrl

Senior Member
Oct 18, 2014
12,205
337
83
#12
Meds dont solve problems. They only numb the symptoms. That boy needs to feel loved and safe, he doesnt seem to feel that way so it could be a survival instinct. Just my opinion.

I agree but his mom is convinced they need meds.He's also been having temper tantrums lately. And that is not like him.
 
D

Depleted

Guest
#13
My sister came home to my parents for the season,we always gather there. We don't see each other often or even talk much on the phone.She's busy with her life and her in laws. But this years visit has really concerned me. First of all my sister is having marriage issues again and her husband has gotten them into such financial trouble that they are taking out a second mortgage on their home. I had no idea they were in that much trouble and I worry about the kids. I have no extra money right now to help or I certainly would. So these two issues bothered me as we talked a bit about them.They left today for home.

After they left my mother called me and said she needed to talk to me about my youngest nephew. They are having problems with him hoarding bits of food and trash in his bedroom. It seems this is something he has just started doing these past few months. Its gotten so bad they can't let him take the trash out alone or he'll swipe things and hide it in his room. He's a very smart and sweet kid but his personality seemed to have changed overnight. He's fighting with his mother and my sister is parenting alone because her husband works nights and sleeps days. After they left today my mother said she went to take a shower and she found all the garbage pulled put of the basket and hidden behind the shower curtain. I really have no idea where to look about what this is and how to help him. Has anyone heard of this or know anyone with this issue? Im really concerned.
I've heard of it. Not sure what it's called but it's a coping mechanism. Stuff is for most of us. If we're feeling like we're losing everything, the stuff is something we're not losing. Is this nephew the sister with the financial trouble's son? Because I wouldn't be surprised to find out he knows his home/his family/his lifestyle/his stuff is teetering on the edge of all disappearing. So, he's saving whatever he can. (And I wouldn't be surprised to learn his parents think they've hidden the financial problems from him. As people, we're not as good as we think we are when we're trying to hide stuff from people who live with us -- our loved ones.)

It's a matter of controlling what we think we can control. Same mindset that starts off eating disorders. You can't control what's going on around you, but you can control that.

I know of this because it's what Dad started doing, when he knew he was losing his mind. (Alzheimers.) He hoarded.
 
D

Depleted

Guest
#14

I wasn't sure if it was hording or something else. It doesn't matter whether the garbage is clean or not. There is no doubt he's worried about divorce,he's 9 so I have no doubt he feels the stress of his parents arguing. Since its not my child Im limited as to what I can do.My sister has taken him to a doctor who wants to put him on meds. The older son is already on meds. Personally Im not big on meds for kids but she says it helps him to concentrate.
He needs counseling, not meds. At the very least, someone he feels safe talking to about what's scaring him. Preferably someone can tell him what will actually happen versus the unknown monsters he's building up in his mind.

He needs help concentrating? His biggest problem is likely to be his huge ability to concentrate in the first place. He's seeing something, not being told what it is he is seeing, so giving it his best guess and his best at trying to fix it.
 

Angela53510

Senior Member
Jan 24, 2011
9,946
771
113
#15
Certainly at age 9, he needs counseling, not meds! Hoarding is a form of OCD, I believe, but without a fear of germs, in this case.

It really sounds like they all need to find a new doctor, and get into counseling. This is a very dysfunctional family, if you ask me!
 

kaylagrl

Senior Member
Oct 18, 2014
12,205
337
83
#16
Certainly at age 9, he needs counseling, not meds! Hoarding is a form of OCD, I believe, but without a fear of germs, in this case.

It really sounds like they all need to find a new doctor, and get into counseling. This is a very dysfunctional family, if you ask me!

Being from Canada Im not use to meds being handed out so easily. Her husbands family are all on pills as Ive mentioned. Her oldest son is on meds and now they want to put the youngest on meds because of this hoarding type behavior. My mother talked to him,but he's 9 so he really can't put into words whats bothering him. And he doesn't want to say anything against his dad but I know the fathers behavior is upsetting both the boys. Its hard to find a good councilor to help when they believe meds solves all.I just don't know what to do to find help for the boys.
 

kaylagrl

Senior Member
Oct 18, 2014
12,205
337
83
#17
He needs counseling, not meds. At the very least, someone he feels safe talking to about what's scaring him. Preferably someone can tell him what will actually happen versus the unknown monsters he's building up in his mind.

He needs help concentrating? His biggest problem is likely to be his huge ability to concentrate in the first place. He's seeing something, not being told what it is he is seeing, so giving it his best guess and his best at trying to fix it.

My sister and her husband have had serious marriage issues their whole relationship. He settled down for a few years but now he's starting up again. And I believe the kids are old enough now to know whats going on,or that something is going on. The kids are being pulled in on adult issues and to me,thats wrong. My BIL just changed his meds and my sister says he's acting erratic again. I can tell the kids are stressed. Also they stick to my husband like he's their dad.They constantly want his attention, he can't move without them following him everywhere. Its like they're afraid they'll lose sight of him.

They were up this summer and stayed at my mothers. We took them to a fair,on a riverboat ride and an old fort. When it came near time to go home I asked if they had a good time the youngest said "this was the best week of my life". I turned my head and cried. I grew up with parents that argued and were always on the verge of divorce. I know how stressful it is and it tears me up to think these two boys are suffering the same thing. I want to rescue them but they aren't my kids. I feel helpless to know what to do. My sister has just suffered it all out for the 17yrs they've been married. But the kids are trapped,they can't leave,they are stuck in the mess. Im just praying something will change before its too late.
 

oldethennew

Senior Member
Feb 28, 2016
7,607
426
83
#18
precious one, talk to your 'sister', share your courage and Faith with her, and
hopefully, she will take charge and change what can only become a worse and worser
situation,,,you have such knowledge and strength, reach out to her in your Love for your
Saviour. we pray that she will glean your Love and Strength that you have shown your
family for years...ask Christ to help you do whatever you need to do to help, no matter
the cost to yourself, He will stand beside you and hold your hand and provide whatever you
need, just Trust Him and go all the way that He asks of you...
 
Last edited:
Dec 31, 2017
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#19
Great advice the oldethennew! Kaylagrl, God will always help you when you think there's no way..
 

Nehemiah6

Senior Member
Jul 18, 2017
5,786
541
113
#20
Honestly my sisters husband is on meds as is most of his family. His mother,sister and a niece are all on meds. Now both the boys are on meds. or will be if they listen to this doctor. I don't know how to talk to my sister about this. She's very touchy about it because her in laws have gone after her about it.Which is odd because they are all on meds.
This goes well beyond what you started out with. It looks like this family is in serious spiritual trouble. You have not mentioned where they stand spiritually but there could be demonic attacks directed at all of them for some reason. Only you would know how best to have the entire family counseled spiritually by someone who cares and can really help them. They all need to be saved and delivered from their dependence on meds for their mental health.