What can I do to change my wifes hostility towards me?

[Marc21]

Hi everyone, I have no idea if I'm posting this in the right place, so I apologise if I am not.

Anyway, I feel like my wife has very little respect for me sometimes (alot of the time), and she seems to be hostile towards me far more than I'd consider normal or healthy. Things are getting worse and more frequent.

What can I do or what approach can I take to change this?

I have no Christian friends (I only have 2 real friends anyway, 1 in Canada, 1 in USA) and I won't seek the counsel of my family on this out of respect to my wife, so I ask here in the hope that some Christian brothers and sisters can give me some guidance and advice.

______________________

Background:

Right now we aren't together together, she's in Asia, I'm in the uk. We're working on getting her visa sorted to bring her here. So this is occurring over messages and calls.

She is a born again Christian, reads the bible daily, does devotions, worships God very often etc. Shes 30.
Aside from the issues I describe, she is genuinely loving, caring, honest, sweet, loyal, and truly loves the Lord, and me.

She has herself told me that sometimes when she's fighting with me she feels like she isn't her anymore and she feels no love for me and only wants to hurt me, she's said that she knows there is another side of her that she's fighting against. That doesn't mean to say this is every instant, just usually the worst fights.
(my only interpretation to that would be the sinful nature or some mental illness like bipola, she's thrown the idea of a demon being in her but I highly doubt that)

___________________

Issues:

She fights over misunderstanding what I've said, takes things I've said waaay out of context and rejects my explanation of the actual context.

Jealousy is a cause of conflict often, which also leads to false accusations against my character.

If my word is my only defence, I'm pretty much screwed. Even when I provide unequivocal evidence of my innocence, I'm still guilty (until she apologies)

Accuses me of things which are completely untrue (in many cases she knows it's not true)

Starts fights out of absolutely nowhere that seem to be triggered by nothing. One just happened just before I wrote this, I guess that gave me the idea to seek a better approach to her attitude.

She will apologise most of the time and say she's trying to change etc. But she's not changing, she's getting worse. It was never like this when we were boyfriend and girlfriend years ago. These days it's just a new every week, sometime multiple in a week.

____________________

Approaches I've taken:

- emotional approach works sometimes cos she doesn't like seeing me sad.

- ignoring her til she grows up (sometimes worked, sometimes made it worse - 'accusations that I don't care etc') - I no longer do this cos I don't feel OK doing it, I just want to fix the issue.

- calm approach, ignoring all her insults to me and just explaining in a calm way that what she says makes no sense and is untrue.

- godly approach, trying to encourage her to be more respectful and that we should follow the example of Jesus Christ and the apostles and show the fruits of the spirit even when it's hard and reminding her of our wedding and happy memories etc, whilst calmly explaining away her baseless accusations, judgements and insults.

- patience and prayer are applied, but my patience doesn't do anything, nothing changes, it just carries on or gets worse.

- right now, my patience is breaking and I tend to just point out the facts, and acknowledging her statements as ridiculous, I remain calm at first, but after insult and her judgements I guess I lose my cool, earlier I said "All you ever ever do anymore is fight fight fight. And then you call yourself a peacemaker? Don't call yourself that again", and I know that was probably wrong to say it like that, but she just wouldn't stop atall, not that it excuses it.




Thankyou and God bless you.

 

[Runningman]

Hi everyone, I have no idea if I'm posting this in the right place, so I apologise if I am not.

Anyway, I feel like my wife has very little respect for me sometimes (alot of the time), and she seems to be hostile towards me far more than I'd consider normal or healthy. Things are getting worse and more frequent.

What can I do or what approach can I take to change this?

I have no Christian friends (I only have 2 real friends anyway, 1 in Canada, 1 in USA) and I won't seek the counsel of my family on this out of respect to my wife, so I ask here in the hope that some Christian brothers and sisters can give me some guidance and advice.

______________________

Background:

Right now we aren't together together, she's in Asia, I'm in the uk. We're working on getting her visa sorted to bring her here. So this is occurring over messages and calls.

She is a born again Christian, reads the bible daily, does devotions, worships God very often etc. Shes 30.
Aside from the issues I describe, she is genuinely loving, caring, honest, sweet, loyal, and truly loves the Lord, and me.

She has herself told me that sometimes when she's fighting with me she feels like she isn't her anymore and she feels no love for me and only wants to hurt me, she's said that she knows there is another side of her that she's fighting against. That doesn't mean to say this is every instant, just usually the worst fights.
(my only interpretation to that would be the sinful nature or some mental illness like bipola, she's thrown the idea of a demon being in her but I highly doubt that)

___________________

Issues:

She fights over misunderstanding what I've said, takes things I've said waaay out of context and rejects my explanation of the actual context.

Jealousy is a cause of conflict often, which also leads to false accusations against my character.

If my word is my only defence, I'm pretty much screwed. Even when I provide unequivocal evidence of my innocence, I'm still guilty (until she apologies)

Accuses me of things which are completely untrue (in many cases she knows it's not true)

Starts fights out of absolutely nowhere that seem to be triggered by nothing. One just happened just before I wrote this, I guess that gave me the idea to seek a better approach to her attitude.

She will apologise most of the time and say she's trying to change etc. But she's not changing, she's getting worse. It was never like this when we were boyfriend and girlfriend years ago. These days it's just a new every week, sometime multiple in a week.

____________________

Approaches I've taken:

- emotional approach works sometimes cos she doesn't like seeing me sad.

- ignoring her til she grows up (sometimes worked, sometimes made it worse - 'accusations that I don't care etc') - I no longer do this cos I don't feel OK doing it, I just want to fix the issue.

- calm approach, ignoring all her insults to me and just explaining in a calm way that what she says makes no sense and is untrue.

- godly approach, trying to encourage her to be more respectful and that we should follow the example of Jesus Christ and the apostles and show the fruits of the spirit even when it's hard and reminding her of our wedding and happy memories etc, whilst calmly explaining away her baseless accusations, judgements and insults.

- patience and prayer are applied, but my patience doesn't do anything, nothing changes, it just carries on or gets worse.

- right now, my patience is breaking and I tend to just point out the facts, and acknowledging her statements as ridiculous, I remain calm at first, but after insult and her judgements I guess I lose my cool, earlier I said "All you ever ever do anymore is fight fight fight. And then you call yourself a peacemaker? Don't call yourself that again", and I know that was probably wrong to say it like that, but she just wouldn't stop atall, not that it excuses it.




Thankyou and God bless you.

From what I read it sounds like you and her have already come to terms with that there is some issues going on. From what I can tell they just stem from insecurities and emotional immaturity. If this is your first serious relationship then maybe you two are both learning to confront feelings and emotions that aren't meant to be handled in a long distance relationship.

With different cultures sometimes there are expectations that aren't explicitly stated because they're assumed. You two might be occasionally breaking unspoken protocol. So maybe you can try to research some of her cultural norms if you haven't already.

In my opinion, this will all probably be resolved gradually once you both experience successes and failures together. Obviously the bickering and fighting can't continue indefinitely so something will be forced to change.

Finally, don't just fight but offer solutions. Have you considered looking up some online relationship counseling and asking if she is willing to look at it with you? I hope that helps.

 

[Kireina]

There are times where a relationship feels so smooth and there are times where it feels so rough where you need to work hard a lil harder for you and your partner...


While I was reading your post...it seems like resentments grow in your relationship (between you and her) already.... it is really hard to talk to someone or to communicate if negative feelings crowd out already in the relationship...


Maybe,one day sit down with her and talk to her....like hey hun can we talk about something....about us...about what's happening between us...we've been fighting so much and it hurts me...I know it hurts you too....I love you Honey...can you tell me what are the things that make you angry and tell me what do you want me to do about it...tell me how can I change it....I mean what do you think is the best way so that I won't make you feel sad,jealous,mad ? Something like that I think...

Pour your heart into it and speak gently,calmly and lovingly 😊 watch your tones... Because sometimes arguments start because of how we say(the tones of our voice) things... 😊


One more thing...I hope you don't mind me asking,..thanks 😊 you mentioned about prayer...do you pray with her? Like before going to bed at night and in the morning,everyday?


I pray that you and her will not give up and will continue to fight and will not let go of each other's hands 🙏🏼


God bless you and your family ❤

 

[Lanolin]

oh dear
well give us an example of a fight both of you had because I really dont know what to tell you from what you posted.
Very hard to get to the bottom of something even if its just a plain ol misunderstanding.

shes probably just unhappy that you are apart, I mean that can take its toll on any marriage. how are you communicating? If its by text or email include plenty of emojis. Sometimes words cant express emotions as well as emojis can!
the other thing is just let her talk first if its say a facetime thing. Dont interrupt. If she gets the first say then its unlikely she'll misunderstand because the ball is in her court.

 

[Angela53510]

Hi everyone, I have no idea if I'm posting this in the right place, so I apologise if I am not.

Anyway, I feel like my wife has very little respect for me sometimes (alot of the time), and she seems to be hostile towards me far more than I'd consider normal or healthy. Things are getting worse and more frequent.

What can I do or what approach can I take to change this?

I have no Christian friends (I only have 2 real friends anyway, 1 in Canada, 1 in USA) and I won't seek the counsel of my family on this out of respect to my wife, so I ask here in the hope that some Christian brothers and sisters can give me some guidance and advice.

______________________

Background:

Right now we aren't together together, she's in Asia, I'm in the uk. We're working on getting her visa sorted to bring her here. So this is occurring over messages and calls.

She is a born again Christian, reads the bible daily, does devotions, worships God very often etc. Shes 30.
Aside from the issues I describe, she is genuinely loving, caring, honest, sweet, loyal, and truly loves the Lord, and me.

She has herself told me that sometimes when she's fighting with me she feels like she isn't her anymore and she feels no love for me and only wants to hurt me, she's said that she knows there is another side of her that she's fighting against. That doesn't mean to say this is every instant, just usually the worst fights.
(my only interpretation to that would be the sinful nature or some mental illness like bipola, she's thrown the idea of a demon being in her but I highly doubt that)

___________________

Issues:

She fights over misunderstanding what I've said, takes things I've said waaay out of context and rejects my explanation of the actual context.

Jealousy is a cause of conflict often, which also leads to false accusations against my character.

If my word is my only defence, I'm pretty much screwed. Even when I provide unequivocal evidence of my innocence, I'm still guilty (until she apologies)

Accuses me of things which are completely untrue (in many cases she knows it's not true)

Starts fights out of absolutely nowhere that seem to be triggered by nothing. One just happened just before I wrote this, I guess that gave me the idea to seek a better approach to her attitude.

She will apologise most of the time and say she's trying to change etc. But she's not changing, she's getting worse. It was never like this when we were boyfriend and girlfriend years ago. These days it's just a new every week, sometime multiple in a week.

____________________

Approaches I've taken:

- emotional approach works sometimes cos she doesn't like seeing me sad.

- ignoring her til she grows up (sometimes worked, sometimes made it worse - 'accusations that I don't care etc') - I no longer do this cos I don't feel OK doing it, I just want to fix the issue.

- calm approach, ignoring all her insults to me and just explaining in a calm way that what she says makes no sense and is untrue.

- godly approach, trying to encourage her to be more respectful and that we should follow the example of Jesus Christ and the apostles and show the fruits of the spirit even when it's hard and reminding her of our wedding and happy memories etc, whilst calmly explaining away her baseless accusations, judgements and insults.

- patience and prayer are applied, but my patience doesn't do anything, nothing changes, it just carries on or gets worse.

- right now, my patience is breaking and I tend to just point out the facts, and acknowledging her statements as ridiculous, I remain calm at first, but after insult and her judgements I guess I lose my cool, earlier I said "All you ever ever do anymore is fight fight fight. And then you call yourself a peacemaker? Don't call yourself that again", and I know that was probably wrong to say it like that, but she just wouldn't stop atall, not that it excuses it.




Thankyou and God bless you.

It sounds like Narcissistic Personality Disorder, with a bit of Histronic Personality Disorder thrown in.

I doubt it is bipolar disorder. She isn't manic flipping in and out, that's more indicative of a PD. Most people don't realize that in bipolar disorder, there are usually no more than 4 mood changes in a year. All this "ultra rapid cycling is really just nonsense.

Personality Disorders can change, but they have to want to. It could also be Multiple Personality Disorder, also know as DID- Dissociative Identity Disorder.

I doubt it is demonic possession if she is a Christian. Although it could be demonic oppression.

I think you have a long, hard road ahead of you. Of course you need to pray for her, and get her psychiatric help. Mostly though, people like that won't go for help, unless they also have depression, which they would like to get rid of.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Divorce is a last resort. She is young, and may get worse instead of better. I know someone like this, they gave their spouse a real nightmare for literally years.

 

[kaylagrl]

Hi everyone, I have no idea if I'm posting this in the right place, so I apologise if I am not.

Anyway, I feel like my wife has very little respect for me sometimes (alot of the time), and she seems to be hostile towards me far more than I'd consider normal or healthy. Things are getting worse and more frequent.

What can I do or what approach can I take to change this?

I have no Christian friends (I only have 2 real friends anyway, 1 in Canada, 1 in USA) and I won't seek the counsel of my family on this out of respect to my wife, so I ask here in the hope that some Christian brothers and sisters can give me some guidance and advice.

______________________

Background:

Right now we aren't together together, she's in Asia, I'm in the uk. We're working on getting her visa sorted to bring her here. So this is occurring over messages and calls.

She is a born again Christian, reads the bible daily, does devotions, worships God very often etc. Shes 30.
Aside from the issues I describe, she is genuinely loving, caring, honest, sweet, loyal, and truly loves the Lord, and me.

She has herself told me that sometimes when she's fighting with me she feels like she isn't her anymore and she feels no love for me and only wants to hurt me, she's said that she knows there is another side of her that she's fighting against. That doesn't mean to say this is every instant, just usually the worst fights.
(my only interpretation to that would be the sinful nature or some mental illness like bipola, she's thrown the idea of a demon being in her but I highly doubt that)

___________________

Issues:

She fights over misunderstanding what I've said, takes things I've said waaay out of context and rejects my explanation of the actual context.

Jealousy is a cause of conflict often, which also leads to false accusations against my character.

If my word is my only defence, I'm pretty much screwed. Even when I provide unequivocal evidence of my innocence, I'm still guilty (until she apologies)

Accuses me of things which are completely untrue (in many cases she knows it's not true)

Starts fights out of absolutely nowhere that seem to be triggered by nothing. One just happened just before I wrote this, I guess that gave me the idea to seek a better approach to her attitude.

She will apologise most of the time and say she's trying to change etc. But she's not changing, she's getting worse. It was never like this when we were boyfriend and girlfriend years ago. These days it's just a new every week, sometime multiple in a week.

____________________

Approaches I've taken:

- emotional approach works sometimes cos she doesn't like seeing me sad.

- ignoring her til she grows up (sometimes worked, sometimes made it worse - 'accusations that I don't care etc') - I no longer do this cos I don't feel OK doing it, I just want to fix the issue.

- calm approach, ignoring all her insults to me and just explaining in a calm way that what she says makes no sense and is untrue.

- godly approach, trying to encourage her to be more respectful and that we should follow the example of Jesus Christ and the apostles and show the fruits of the spirit even when it's hard and reminding her of our wedding and happy memories etc, whilst calmly explaining away her baseless accusations, judgements and insults.

- patience and prayer are applied, but my patience doesn't do anything, nothing changes, it just carries on or gets worse.

- right now, my patience is breaking and I tend to just point out the facts, and acknowledging her statements as ridiculous, I remain calm at first, but after insult and her judgements I guess I lose my cool, earlier I said "All you ever ever do anymore is fight fight fight. And then you call yourself a peacemaker? Don't call yourself that again", and I know that was probably wrong to say it like that, but she just wouldn't stop atall, not that it excuses it.




Thankyou and God bless you.

What is her family background like? Stable? Are they all Christians? What was her relationship with her father? All questions I would ask. Also, are you considerably older than her? Is this a first relationship for both of you? If you don't mind answering these questions it may help to get to the bottom of the issue.

 

[Scribe]

I know your pain. You are expressing the same words I expressed to several pastors during a 23 year marriage that ended in divorce 13 years ago. What I am offering is not from ignorance.

I lived through this almost daily pain for 23 years. Angela hit the nail on the head. My ex got worse and worse and the home was a living hell. She would morph into a normal person in public, like at church or around her family, but would rage on me all the way to the event and then act nice when she got out of the car. It is a mental "Narcissistic Personality Disorder, with Histrionic Personality Disorder" Just like Angela said. She needs professional counseling but don't expect it to cure her.

My wife divorced me instead of getting help. I went through your pain for 23 years. I was so familiar with it that I grieved over the loss of it even though logically you would expected me to rejoice of being free from it. God hates divorce and so did I. That was 13 years ago and I am very glad today that I am not living that daily emotionally draining hell and toxic terror any longer. I know your pain.

I read books, I talked to pastors, I tried hard to get her to get diagnosed and get help. I looked at it from every angle as to what I could do to be a better husband, pay more attention, pray for her, with her, etc.. I am offering you advice from my experiences because your posts could have been written by me 13 years ago. I remember it all so well and have thought about writing a book to help the millions of men who suffer in silence with this exact same issue.

The root cause could be related to her anger at her expectations about being married not being met. What her childhood dreams were are not being realized. However, don't think that if they were she would change and be nice all the time. Her method of dealing with unrealized expectations will continue like this unless she gets professional help and even this may not change her. But it might. There is hope. The books on it (I read several trying to save my marriage) say that often something traumatic happened to them in their preteens or teens that made them stop maturing. So you end up with a 15 year old drama queen stuck in a 30, 40, 50 year old woman that should have matured out of it but never did. However discovering the traumatic thing that happened to them is not your job nor will it necessarily change anything.

So what can you do? In hindsight I wished that I had prayed more for her deliverance and for the saving of our marriage. The Holy Spirit can do a work in her that no one else can do, therefore prayer and intercession for that to happen is a powerful tool that Jesus has given us. Use it.

Then after you are back together and settled into a routine and it still keeps happening get her some professional counseling. It won't be an overnight fix. She will have to train herself overtime and there is a certain level of addiction to negative drama that has to be resisted over time to get past the addiction.

There are hormones released when one with this issue rages that as negative as they are result in a "release" which then becomes a reward. Classic addiction. This is why such people will think nothing about ruining a best friends wedding with an episode of negative drama. When the triggers set the negative hormones of rage in motion they only want the release and nothing else matters including everyone's feelings. They forget about later it but don't understand why others don't. They think that everyone vents and forgets about it and think that you still bringing it up is your own problem and lack of forgiveness or taking things too serious.

They have excuses like "I grew up with lots of brothers and sisters and we always yelled at each other and got over it and still loved each other." The real truth is that if you ask their brothers and sisters they still smart over words that were said and remember how toxic and hurtful it was to this day.

What you are going through is emotional and verbal abuse and you are having to suffer alone. Millions of men are going through it and they do not have the support groups that women have. You can't tell her family because she does not want them to know what she is like behind closed doors and threatens to hate you forever if you tell them. (Trust me they already know from growing up with her) So you try and protect her reputation at church and in public. Noble on your part but then that enables her to be a raging maniac everyday to you when no one is seeing her. Try putting up cameras all over the house for security. She will turn them off. She knows how she is being at home would not play out well on a reality tv show.

Your suffering in silence is not good for you. You will go to work "shell shocked" everyday from the things said to you the night before. Your concentration will suffer, you will go through life with a heavy burden and wonder why your wife doesn't act like she is really saved though she claims to be.

Another typical scenario is that when you don't respond to the rage as she wants you to, she will escalate it. This often results in threatening to call the police and falsely accuse you of pushing them or something like that. This is the method of abuse that women with this problem are known to do. It is something they learn from other women that tell them it is their most powerful weapon to get rid of a man in their lives. If such threats ever come out of her mouth like "Get in here and do the dishes or I will call the police and tell them you pushed me" then you will want to get out as soon as she is not there. Take a suitcase and leave. Tell your pastor, her family and a professional, even the police, so that you get plenty of witnesses before she follows through on such a threat because they usually will. Then do not be under the same roof with her again without witnesses until yall get professional help. The way the Judges see it, and I agree, is that if you knew she had threatened to falsely accuse you by calling the police and you staid in the same house with her until it happened, then your side of the story is suspect. Why would you stay in the same house with someone who threatened to falsely accuse you to the police? You have to protect yourself if she makes threats like that.

I mention it because it is very common for this behavior to escalate into this. Millions of men are guilty of abusing women and women have many support groups to help them. However millions of men also are abused by histrionic women (raging drama queens) who use the 911 call to control and hurt and "hit" men since they can't hurt them physically and falsely accuse them, get them thrown in jail and these men are left hoping they can get people to believe she lied. It is a horrible thing to do to a man and there a millions of men that have suffered this sort of thing and have no support groups and are expected to suffer in silence. Don't let it get that far. The first time she threatens to call police on you and accuse you falsely of something you are dealing with a ticking time bomb. It is no longer "if" she will do it, it is "when". Get out and stay separate until you can get a professional to mediate the reconciliation. I would not offer the advice if it were not such a common problem with this personality disorder.

 

[Blackpowderduelist]

Hi everyone, I have no idea if I'm posting this in the right place, so I apologise if I am not.

Anyway, I feel like my wife has very little respect for me sometimes (alot of the time), and she seems to be hostile towards me far more than I'd consider normal or healthy. Things are getting worse and more frequent.

What can I do or what approach can I take to change this?

I have no Christian friends (I only have 2 real friends anyway, 1 in Canada, 1 in USA) and I won't seek the counsel of my family on this out of respect to my wife, so I ask here in the hope that some Christian brothers and sisters can give me some guidance and advice.

______________________

Background:

Right now we aren't together together, she's in Asia, I'm in the uk. We're working on getting her visa sorted to bring her here. So this is occurring over messages and calls.

She is a born again Christian, reads the bible daily, does devotions, worships God very often etc. Shes 30.
Aside from the issues I describe, she is genuinely loving, caring, honest, sweet, loyal, and truly loves the Lord, and me.

She has herself told me that sometimes when she's fighting with me she feels like she isn't her anymore and she feels no love for me and only wants to hurt me, she's said that she knows there is another side of her that she's fighting against. That doesn't mean to say this is every instant, just usually the worst fights.
(my only interpretation to that would be the sinful nature or some mental illness like bipola, she's thrown the idea of a demon being in her but I highly doubt that)

___________________

Issues:

She fights over misunderstanding what I've said, takes things I've said waaay out of context and rejects my explanation of the actual context.

Jealousy is a cause of conflict often, which also leads to false accusations against my character.

If my word is my only defence, I'm pretty much screwed. Even when I provide unequivocal evidence of my innocence, I'm still guilty (until she apologies)

Accuses me of things which are completely untrue (in many cases she knows it's not true)

Starts fights out of absolutely nowhere that seem to be triggered by nothing. One just happened just before I wrote this, I guess that gave me the idea to seek a better approach to her attitude.

She will apologise most of the time and say she's trying to change etc. But she's not changing, she's getting worse. It was never like this when we were boyfriend and girlfriend years ago. These days it's just a new every week, sometime multiple in a week.

____________________

Approaches I've taken:

- emotional approach works sometimes cos she doesn't like seeing me sad.

- ignoring her til she grows up (sometimes worked, sometimes made it worse - 'accusations that I don't care etc') - I no longer do this cos I don't feel OK doing it, I just want to fix the issue.

- calm approach, ignoring all her insults to me and just explaining in a calm way that what she says makes no sense and is untrue.

- godly approach, trying to encourage her to be more respectful and that we should follow the example of Jesus Christ and the apostles and show the fruits of the spirit even when it's hard and reminding her of our wedding and happy memories etc, whilst calmly explaining away her baseless accusations, judgements and insults.

- patience and prayer are applied, but my patience doesn't do anything, nothing changes, it just carries on or gets worse.

- right now, my patience is breaking and I tend to just point out the facts, and acknowledging her statements as ridiculous, I remain calm at first, but after insult and her judgements I guess I lose my cool, earlier I said "All you ever ever do anymore is fight fight fight. And then you call yourself a peacemaker? Don't call yourself that again", and I know that was probably wrong to say it like that, but she just wouldn't stop atall, not that it excuses it.




Thankyou and God bless you.

How long have you been married. Some back ground may help us understand your situation a little better. For example why are you in the UK but she don't yet have a passport?

One you must always stay calm don't yell and fight. never allow insults in your disagreements. Insults are not tolerable in a relationship, neither is emotional manipulation, for example someone says you love someone else more than them.
So when she does it, call it what it is. With out arguing. You have to act as though the things she is saying is disconnected from you, stay calm. Personal insult number 1, that's a lie to emotionally manipulate me. And feel free to say, well ok, you can call back when you're done having a fit, I'm not interested in this. And then hang up. Turn the phone off and walk away. Tell her that her behavior is pushing you away, and that, say of you push me away the results we be that I'm gone and you will have done that. But you can change it by not pushing me away.
But the truth is you must be like a stone and immovable. Ok I'm going to go do something else because I'm not going to listen to you insult me.

My philosophy is a simple one. Make the right thing easy, and the wrong thing difficult.

It may be the case that she is a sociopath and you may not want her actually near you. For yours and her safety.

You may have to tell her you don't want her on UK until she has her abusive behavior sorted out. Even if she gets a passport you may not want to buy the plane tickets until things look better. I hate to say it, but this behavior often leads to violence.

 

[Marc21]

Hi everyone, thankyou very much for all your replies. Sorry I haven't got back to you yet, I work 4 on 4 off, 12 hour shifts.
Going to reply shortly. God bless

 

[Marc21]

From what I read it sounds like you and her have already come to terms with that there is some issues going on. From what I can tell they just stem from insecurities and emotional immaturity. If this is your first serious relationship then maybe you two are both learning to confront feelings and emotions that aren't meant to be handled in a long distance relationship.

With different cultures sometimes there are expectations that aren't explicitly stated because they're assumed. You two might be occasionally breaking unspoken protocol. So maybe you can try to research some of her cultural norms if you haven't already.

In my opinion, this will all probably be resolved gradually once you both experience successes and failures together. Obviously the bickering and fighting can't continue indefinitely so something will be forced to change.

Finally, don't just fight but offer solutions. Have you considered looking up some online relationship counseling and asking if she is willing to look at it with you? I hope that helps.

Hi Runningman, thank you for your message, I hope you are well. yes it is our first serious relationship and I agree the distance is part of it, when we are together in person it's never like this.
So my hope is, as you say, that it will be resolved when we are actually together.
I will have a look into culture norms to see if I'm unknowingly breaking something, but I'm just acting normal, doing what I consider to be right and considering her feelings in my perspective.
She's part of a church life group now and she seems to have taken some positive things out of her last session with them in regards to jealousy, but as for online counselling, if nothing improves, then I think I'll have to ask her if she will.
Thanks again for your advice friend, God bless.

 

[Marc21]

There are times where a relationship feels so smooth and there are times where it feels so rough where you need to work hard a lil harder for you and your partner...


While I was reading your post...it seems like resentments grow in your relationship (between you and her) already.... it is really hard to talk to someone or to communicate if negative feelings crowd out already in the relationship...


Maybe,one day sit down with her and talk to her....like hey hun can we talk about something....about us...about what's happening between us...we've been fighting so much and it hurts me...I know it hurts you too....I love you Honey...can you tell me what are the things that make you angry and tell me what do you want me to do about it...tell me how can I change it....I mean what do you think is the best way so that I won't make you feel sad,jealous,mad ? Something like that I think...

Pour your heart into it and speak gently,calmly and lovingly 😊 watch your tones... Because sometimes arguments start because of how we say(the tones of our voice) things... 😊


One more thing...I hope you don't mind me asking,..thanks 😊 you mentioned about prayer...do you pray with her? Like before going to bed at night and in the morning,everyday?


I pray that you and her will not give up and will continue to fight and will not let go of each other's hands 🙏🏼


God bless you and your family ❤

Hi Kireina, I hope you are well? The sit down you suggested we've had many times and what usually happens is, everything will appear to improve, only for us to be having the same conversation again the following week. Some things I'm asked to do would avoid the conflicts, but it goes against what I believe to be right in my eyes and the eyes of God.
For example. The other week, a girl at work came up to me and asked me to help her move something far too heavy for her, so we talk regarding that task, she asks how I am just being friendly etc. So I helped her. My wife was on the phone to me at the time so she heard. -- so I get accused of flirting and attention seeking and not caring about my wife's feelings and apparently what I should have done is snobbed the girl and not helped her.
I knew the would turn into a fight when she came to help and I helped anyway, because I honestly see that as the right thing to do. If someone comes up to me and asks for help, I would feel so so bad saying no, especially when that person is a good person. So in defence I explain that, and also logically explain that it makes no sense that I would be flirting with a girl whilst she is on the phone to me. (not that I would even off the phone)

And yes, you're right about that. I will always try to keep it in that tone. Even when it's difficult that's still the best approach 😊.

Of course I don't mind, my work shifts are 12 hours so it's difficult due to our time zones on my on days, on my off we will pray together every night, and should she have a prayer request she will send it to me and me likewise

Thankyou for your prayer 🙏. To me giving up isn't an option, I love her too much to ever walk away. God bless you and your family too ❤️ and thank you for your advice.

 

[Marc21]

oh dear
well give us an example of a fight both of you had because I really dont know what to tell you from what you posted.
Very hard to get to the bottom of something even if its just a plain ol misunderstanding.

shes probably just unhappy that you are apart, I mean that can take its toll on any marriage. how are you communicating? If its by text or email include plenty of emojis. Sometimes words cant express emotions as well as emojis can!
the other thing is just let her talk first if its say a facetime thing. Dont interrupt. If she gets the first say then its unlikely she'll misunderstand because the ball is in her court.

Hi Lanolin, thankyou for your message, we call on WhatsApp and message on WhatsApp, sometimes Facebook. I will leave some examples below. I agree with that point, she's said as much herself, about feeling depressed about being alone when I'm on my 4 on shifts cos it's hard to talk much then. The context of misunderstandings isn't usually down to interrupting. I'll explain that in the examples below. So this may be a lengthy message due to the examples.




#1

This is an accusation and a denial of evidence presented by me:

We had a fight, don't remember what it was about. But the posts she shared would suggest jealousy. Shared fb quotes such as "never cry for one who killed your smile", "you were happy before them. You were good. You were enough. And you will be after them. You just have to remember to love yourself. That's all."... And about 5 more all so clearly referring to me.
So I deactivated my fb account cos she's pretty much telling all her friends that we had a fight and I don't like that cos I think it should be private.

I deactivated it on March 3. She reactivated it on March 4. Then she asks me why I removed my name. Am I trying to hide from someone. Is someone trying to add me. I didn't know what she was talking about. Turns out that fb completely removed my name so my fb account had no name atall. Some weird glitch or something. Anyway, that prompted accusations. My name change occurred on March 4 (fb records). So I say it can't have been me cos I deactivated it on March 3. So I log in, onto my activity log, and show her that my IP address was signed out on March 3 and hers signs in on March 4 and mine never signed in (until that moment). But that's just an excuse apparently. So much for evidence.



#2

This is a misunderstanding that followed on from the FB fight.

I said:
- "I'd just tell them I don't use FB much or I'd say I'll add them when I reactivate"
she understood it as if I'd said:
- "I just tell them I don't use FB much or I say I'll add them when I reactivate it"

The 'I' would imply I have said it and it has happened.
The 'I'd' implies if it happened this is what i would say.

So she thinks girls at my work have been asking if they can add me on FB based on her misunderstanding of what I said. So that became a fight.
There are many similar occurrences like this one which are her misunderstanding words and then not believing me or the dictionary when I explain what it actually means.




#3

Example:
I'd been sick for like 5 days. We'd all been directly exposed to covid at work. If I had it, it's wasn't bad. Just slight cough, feeling really tired, and not hungry.
Anyway, I sent her a message, she didn't reply, I put phone on charge and tried to sleep, woke up little later still laying in bed, she video calls, I answer, she hangs up, I call back she declines, asks how long I've been awake, I say 10 mins, she asked why I didn't reply, I said didn't look at phone, she says I won't look at phone either then. Turned her phone off and ignored me for the rest of the day.



#4

Example:
- Girl was blocked on my fb (she has my fb account), she asks who the girl is. I say I don't know. She accuses me of lying and hiding things. I say everyone on my block list are people she has blocked, not me. She says she deleted her fb app for fasting during that period, I say that can't be true cos I didn't block her. She says I'm wrong. So I go into my fb activity log to the ip sign ins and there were a bunch of sign ins and outs from her ip address and her phone during that period. She says that doesn't mean anything. I say it means she was on my account and hadn't deleted her app. She says that's all nonsence. (eventually she conceded and apologised)






#5

Example:
Another example when we were together together:
- on one of my visits to her country, me, her, and her sister went to another country together for a few days. In the hotel, she asked me to ask the receptionist how to fix the elevator. (we were stood there for 3 mins and it didn't come) she shows up and pressed the button. Fixed. So we ALL laughed cos it was funny. We just didn't see the button. Anyway, I was accused of being a flirt and having a crush on her cos I laughed. (so she and her sister flirted to by that logic). To back up her claims that I'm a flirt, she points out that I changed my outfit later that day to impress the receptionist.
I was previously wearing a white designer t-shirt with whatever those jeans tight shorts are called.
I swapped over to a plain black t-shirt and dark trackies.
(apparently the latter is more sexy, which it's obviously not, but it is my preferred style, hence my change)




#6

Another example can be found in my message to Kireina above.





#7

Yesterday's fight:
- This time was far far far far more aggressive than usual. About girls at work again, one who talks to me sometimes at work (who is actually a Christian), I being open, told my wife what she said, just normal stuff, convo lasted less than 2 mins. Anyway. She accused me of frequently talking to her because I want sex with her, because I like flirting with her, because I am full of lust and horny. Repeating that over and over again trying to push me to admit what she accuses me of. Ignoring the fact that she's basing it on a false idea that I "am frequently talking to her", and everything else is just a false accusation based on absolutely nothing factual. If a girl at work says anything to me. I tell her everything that they said. Which isn't even that often. I hung up on her after that cos it was an endless barrage of accusations. She then said stuff like, she wants to break up with me, she's not happy with me anymore (she says that often after big fights) - (then after we're OK she cries and says she didn't mean that, that I should know that, that she knows it's her, etc)




# bonus

One point I should add. If I was her, and she was me, she would have rained hell fire down upon me by now cos what she accuses me of is nothing compared to what she would be guilty of if I judged like her.
- hugged her old crush when we were bf n gf.
- allowed her old crush to sleep in her bed when we were bf n gf (she slept on the couch, context - her dad passed away so him and another friend stayed with her family for a day)
- held some guys hand at some church mission when she was scared
- literally deleted message conversations between her and her old crush in the past with full intent to hide it from me (convo was even about me)
- (eventually I subjected her to the same type of rules she puts upon me so I had her block this guy) a week ago she decided to unblock him and have a chat with him as revenge for me talking to / helping a girl at work.

Of course when I mention this hypocrisy, I'm in trouble for bringing up the past.





Anyway, thankyou for your message, take care and God bless.

 

[Marc21]

It sounds like Narcissistic Personality Disorder, with a bit of Histronic Personality Disorder thrown in.

I doubt it is bipolar disorder. She isn't manic flipping in and out, that's more indicative of a PD. Most people don't realize that in bipolar disorder, there are usually no more than 4 mood changes in a year. All this "ultra rapid cycling is really just nonsense.

Personality Disorders can change, but they have to want to. It could also be Multiple Personality Disorder, also know as DID- Dissociative Identity Disorder.

I doubt it is demonic possession if she is a Christian. Although it could be demonic oppression.

I think you have a long, hard road ahead of you. Of course you need to pray for her, and get her psychiatric help. Mostly though, people like that won't go for help, unless they also have depression, which they would like to get rid of.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Divorce is a last resort. She is young, and may get worse instead of better. I know someone like this, they gave their spouse a real nightmare for literally years.

Hi Angela, thankyou for your message. I'm not really familiar with any of these disorders, thankyou for naming them, I'll do some research on them after I've finished replying.
She says sometimes she feels something very dark around her in certain places. Just yesterday after her rage filled outburst at me (referenced in my message to Landolin - #7) She's been scared of things like that since she went on a church mission and she saw casting out. One which was briefly referenced in my message to Lanolin above (where she got scared and held a guys hand # bonus), some guy was staring dead at her with an evil expression. She got freaked out when she was with me during my last stay cos she swears she saw that man in our complex in Manila when we were in the lift and she looked up to a higher floor. I saw nobody. He's in a province many hours away and during covid hard lockdown. There was no way he was there.

As long as in the end everything is OK, I'd say its worth it. Thankyou for the disorder references and your advice. God bless.

 

[Marc21]

What is her family background like? Stable? Are they all Christians? What was her relationship with her father? All questions I would ask. Also, are you considerably older than her? Is this a first relationship for both of you? If you don't mind answering these questions it may help to get to the bottom of the issue.

Hi Kaylagrl, I hope you are well.

Her family are born again Christians, she is the most active among them. She's always involved in bible studies and often goes out of her way to talk to strangers about God, she's getting more involved in her ministry, and she joins me and my family doing bible studies and worship on Sunday.
Her father, well that's different. She says he was a Roman Catholic (in name only I'd say), in all honesty though, he was not a good man atall. His morales were flawed, his actions and attitude were of darkness, and he was abusive in words 'and not in words' (not so much in his last years) Never met him, glad I didn't. This may be dark to say, but I'm happy he's gone.

I am 25 years old, she is 30. I live in the UK and am British. She lives in the philippines and is filipina/pinay.

And yes, it is our first relationships.

And of course, I am open to answering any questions.

Thankyou very much and I hope you have a blessed day. God bless.

 

[Marc21]

I know your pain. You are expressing the same words I expressed to several pastors during a 23 year marriage that ended in divorce 13 years ago. What I am offering is not from ignorance.

.

Hi scribe, I hope you are well. Thankyou for sharing your story with me. I'm really sorry you had to go through all of that, I hope that the place you are in your life now has the joy that you deserve 🙏

The point you make about expectations she has said to be recently. Before she considered me to be her ideal man. But now she changed her mind and said I'm not her ideal man, I'm not the man that she wants. And only Jesus is her ideal man. Because Jesus will never disappoint her and I disappoint her all the time apparently, specifically if I help a girl at work in a simply friendly way. It's part of my job, there's no getting around it. But her expectations of me are that I would always consider her feelings and obey her (by not helping any girls), and that I would never flirt (I never do, this is a false accusation), and I would never attention seek (I never do, at work we have to help eachother, I don't seek it).(I've said, if I had any negative intentions, she would never even know that there were girls at my work, but I tell her plainly and openly everything that happens).
So I tell her that ideal in the sense of perfection can only ever be applied to God since He is the only perfection in the world. And that ideal doesn't have to refer to that. I say to consider the word ideal in a human sense to mean ideal as in "fallen ideal" not "perfect ideal". I ask, what's your "ideal day", she tells me, but the problem there is in her mind ideal can only refer to Jesus yet she answered in context of her day. Her day can never be perfect like Jesus. We're in a fallen world, and with the sin nature, we can never be perfect here, so she should apply her idea of an ideal husband based on those facts, but she sets me to the standard of our Lord Jesus Christ. And even if I was (which I am not), did Jesus not talk to the woman by the well in Samaria? In a time when that would be considered uncultural to do so. Yet when I help a girl, I'm in big trouble. And so my heart and my intentions are judged as evil yet my intentions were only to do what I thought was right. Later on she decided that I am her ideal man again after the fight in her lengthy apology.

But yes, I still hold out hope since when we are physically together, she's never like this, a couple fights here and there but nothing like this. I've been back in the UK for about 6 months and in that time we've had over 100 fights. So when she is here, I'm hoping there will be change. She's not like this all the time as I've said, 70 percent of the time she is completely loving and caring etc. It's just the other 30 that is a problem.

Thankyou for all the information and advice that you've taken the time to share with me. Take care and God bless you 🙏

 

[Marc21]

How long have you been married. Some back ground may help us understand your situation a little better. For example why are you in the UK but she don't yet have a passport?

One you must always stay calm don't yell and fight. never allow insults in your disagreements. Insults are not tolerable in a relationship, neither is emotional manipulation, for example someone says you love someone else more than them.
So when she does it, call it what it is. With out arguing. You have to act as though the things she is saying is disconnected from you, stay calm. Personal insult number 1, that's a lie to emotionally manipulate me. And feel free to say, well ok, you can call back when you're done having a fit, I'm not interested in this. And then hang up. Turn the phone off and walk away. Tell her that her behavior is pushing you away, and that, say of you push me away the results we be that I'm gone and you will have done that. But you can change it by not pushing me away.
But the truth is you must be like a stone and immovable. Ok I'm going to go do something else because I'm not going to listen to you insult me.

My philosophy is a simple one. Make the right thing easy, and the wrong thing difficult.

It may be the case that she is a sociopath and you may not want her actually near you. For yours and her safety.

You may have to tell her you don't want her on UK until she has her abusive behavior sorted out. Even if she gets a passport you may not want to buy the plane tickets until things look better. I hate to say it, but this behavior often leads to violence.

Hi Blackpowderduelist, I hope you are well.
I've known her since 2015, we became bf and gf in 2017, engaged in 2018, and married in 2020.
I live in the UK and am a British citizen.
She lives in the Philippines and is filipina. We are working on getting her spouse visa sorted, she should be here in August assuming the visa is granted and she can legally travel that time.

And thankyou for your advice. I wish she held the idea that insults weren't tolerable. I've lost count of how many times she's said or implied that she wants to break up with me. She usually says that not because she means it or wants it, but to hurt me. Afterwards when she apologies she says she can't live without me etc and to never believe her when she says that. Sometimes I feel as though just disappearing for a few weeks when she says it so she can taste the result of her words. But I could never do that, because I'd be scared that she'd do something terrible to herself and then I'd lose everything because of my choice to ignore her. But often during the irrational arguments, it really is better to just turn off my phone yes because I'm arguing over nothing.

That's a good philosophy to have, I like it. I think I'll try to apply that and see if it sways her from fighting.

Take care and God bless you. Thankyou for your advice.

 

[Marc21]

I'm really sorry again for my late replies. God bless you all and thankyou all very much for taking the time to reply. I really appreciate it. ♥️

 

[Kireina]

Hi Kireina, I hope you are well? The sit down you suggested we've had many times and what usually happens is, everything will appear to improve, only for us to be having the same conversation again the following week. Some things I'm asked to do would avoid the conflicts, but it goes against what I believe to be right in my eyes and the eyes of God.
For example. The other week, a girl at work came up to me and asked me to help her move something far too heavy for her, so we talk regarding that task, she asks how I am just being friendly etc. So I helped her. My wife was on the phone to me at the time so she heard. -- so I get accused of flirting and attention seeking and not caring about my wife's feelings and apparently what I should have done is snobbed the girl and not helped her.
I knew the would turn into a fight when she came to help and I helped anyway, because I honestly see that as the right thing to do. If someone comes up to me and asks for help, I would feel so so bad saying no, especially when that person is a good person. So in defence I explain that, and also logically explain that it makes no sense that I would be flirting with a girl whilst she is on the phone to me. (not that I would even off the phone)

And yes, you're right about that. I will always try to keep it in that tone. Even when it's difficult that's still the best approach 😊.

Of course I don't mind, my work shifts are 12 hours so it's difficult due to our time zones on my on days, on my off we will pray together every night, and should she have a prayer request she will send it to me and me likewise

Thankyou for your prayer 🙏. To me giving up isn't an option, I love her too much to ever walk away. God bless you and your family too ❤️ and thank you for your advice.

Hi! I am glad with your response I think based on your response you are doing a great job dealing with her attitude...you are very patient and very loving toward your wife 😊 Maybe, the distance is taking a toll on her and it makes her so insecure...🤔

 

[Blackpowderduelist]

Hi Blackpowderduelist, I hope you are well.
I've known her since 2015, we became bf and gf in 2017, engaged in 2018, and married in 2020.
I live in the UK and am a British citizen.
She lives in the Philippines and is filipina. We are working on getting her spouse visa sorted, she should be here in August assuming the visa is granted and she can legally travel that time.

And thankyou for your advice. I wish she held the idea that insults weren't tolerable. I've lost count of how many times she's said or implied that she wants to break up with me. She usually says that not because she means it or wants it, but to hurt me. Afterwards when she apologies she says she can't live without me etc and to never believe her when she says that. Sometimes I feel as though just disappearing for a few weeks when she says it so she can taste the result of her words. But I could never do that, because I'd be scared that she'd do something terrible to herself and then I'd lose everything because of my choice to ignore her. But often during the irrational arguments, it really is better to just turn off my phone yes because I'm arguing over nothing.

That's a good philosophy to have, I like it. I think I'll try to apply that and see if it sways her from fighting.

Take care and God bless you. Thankyou for your advice.

The major concern is that these types of relationships nearly always descend into violence. You are in a long distance abusive relationship. When she comes to you it will not self resolve, it will escalate.

 

[Blackpowderduelist]

It's best to put this relationship on hiatus until she gets the help she needs.