What is your dating advice?

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Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
12,276
4,419
113
#41
Dear pastor
In case you havnt noticed, some of your sheep are not reproducing, because they have had no opportunity to do so.
I propose that on wednesday evening, instead of the weekly Bible study, there be a dance held at the church hall instead, and all those interested need to come wearing their Sunday best, and the church band be called in to provide up tempo music suitable for dancing.
You need to provide each unmarried dancer with a dance card so they can record the dance they did and who they danced with, so after wards they can pick and choose the one they liked the best.

If someone in the congregation objects, you just tell them David danced and when Michal complained she got banished and never had any children.

from
your humble single parishioners
 

Desdichado

Senior Member
Feb 9, 2014
8,624
723
113
#42
This is especially true of the middle-aged to old-ish married women who fancy themselves spiritual gurus.

They'll assume the single (often younger) woman as a sort of spiritual charge and dish out advice and direction that makes my Dr. Des anecdotes look like wise counsel. It often turns into a sort of parasitism where they get off on the power.

I have seen this over and over again.

It's just that every time a single Christian asks for dating advice, especially here -- someone always assumes that we singles are automatically somehow doing, or about to do, something wrong.
 

Desdichado

Senior Member
Feb 9, 2014
8,624
723
113
#43
I'll have to part ways here. I'm at my most healthy when I'm in a committed relationship. That isn't to say I won't struggle with sexual sin when I have a wife, but I do think marriage is a viable way to put a perfectly legal lid on it if it hasn't risen to the level of addiction.

As Paul said, 'tis better to marry than to burn.

I sincerely thank you for this post, Blackpowderduelist.

Thank you for sharing a useful insight about what it's like to be married -- THESE are the kinds of things singles need to hear.

This is one of my frustrations (just stating this in general, NOT towards you at all,) that Christians seems to treat marriage as the end-all, be-all to many of our problems.

What's that? You're having problems with porn, or lust, or loneliness? Just get married and you'll never deal with another stray sexual thought for the rest of your life! Over and over, this seems to be the message that singles are always told.

Personally, I think that marriage is just the start of another battle. I've always wanted to write a thread asking, "Did Marriage Cure Your Porn/Lust/Sex Addiction?", because the few people I've seen who were willing to talk about this have said that it did not, and in some ways, made it worse.

After all, marriage might allow a freedom of expression that wasn't there before, but now the married person has to think about things like, "Is this action/fantasy I am wanting to try with my spouse -- ok with them, and most importantly, ok with God?" -- and what if it isn't? Marrieds still have to deal with sexual boundaries, as well as maintaining faithfulness and purity in thought towards their spouses.

I try very hard to keep all my posts G-rated out of respect for the amazing people who keep this site running, as well as our younger community that visits here, but I wonder how many married people are suffering in silence, and could truly use some Christian comfort and help.
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
13,253
3,434
113
#44
This is especially true of the middle-aged to old-ish married women who fancy themselves spiritual gurus.

They'll assume the single (often younger) woman as a sort of spiritual charge and dish out advice and direction that makes my Dr. Des anecdotes look like wise counsel. It often turns into a sort of parasitism where they get off on the power.

I have seen this over and over again.
Wow, you know it must be rampant when even a young single man in the church has noticed this several times over.

The older I get, the more protective I feel over younger singles coming up in the church, because I don't want them to fall into the traps of attempted spiritual manipulation and control.

After all, if something doesn't seem right and you start to question it, there's always a very handy passage like 1 Samuel 15:23 to keep the sheep in line: "For rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft, and stubbornness is as iniquity and idolatry."

Now, I'll be the first to admit that I can be the epitome of stubborn. But I was once blessed with amazing Christian mentors who actually cared about me as a person, and for many years, I have longed for someone else like that in my life. The last time I sought one out, I was paired with a woman who never even asked how old I was (most people assume I'm in my early 30's,) but told me to buy a copy of a certain book and said, "This is what we'll be studying."

The reason I mention age is because I'm often not very far off from the women who want to give me "advice," but they don't take the time to take that into account. They just automatically assume I'm in need of being given a spiritual fence by someone "older" and wiser.

Oh my goodness. This woman never asked a single question about me or what I was struggling with or what I might be interested in studying -- it was just, "This is what we're doing..." I said, "No, thanks," immediately.

In the past few years, younger girls have occasionally been asking me about life situations... and I always pray that God would please not ever let me turn into a spiritual predator -- someone how uses others for their own interests, ministry, or validation -- like the many I have encountered in the church.
 

Desdichado

Senior Member
Feb 9, 2014
8,624
723
113
#45
I have much to say and no time to say it, but I appreciate your level of mindfulness on this topic. Younger women would do well to listen to somebody of temperance like yourself.

Wow, you know it must be rampant when even a young single man in the church has noticed this several times over.

The older I get, the more protective I feel over younger singles coming up in the church, because I don't want them to fall into the traps of attempted spiritual manipulation and control.

After all, if something doesn't seem right and you start to question it, there's always a very handy passage like 1 Samuel 15:23 to keep the sheep in line: "For rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft, and stubbornness is as iniquity and idolatry."

Now, I'll be the first to admit that I can be the epitome of stubborn. But I was once blessed with amazing Christian mentors who actually cared about me as a person, and for many years, I have longed for someone else like that in my life. The last time I sought one out, I was paired with a woman who never even asked how old I was (most people assume I'm in my early 30's,) but told me to buy a copy of a certain book and said, "This is what we'll be studying."

The reason I mention age is because I'm often not very far off from the women who want to give me "advice," but they don't take the time to take that into account. They just automatically assume I'm in need of being given a spiritual fence by someone "older" and wiser.

Oh my goodness. This woman never asked a single question about me or what I was struggling with or what I might be interested in studying -- it was just, "This is what we're doing..." I said, "No, thanks," immediately.

In the past few years, younger girls have occasionally been asking me about life situations... and I always pray that God would please not ever let me turn into a spiritual predator -- someone how uses others for their own interests, ministry, or validation -- like the many I have encountered in the church.
 
B

Blackpowderduelist

Guest
#46
I sincerely thank you for this post, Blackpowderduelist.

Thank you for sharing a useful insight about what it's like to be married -- THESE are the kinds of things singles need to hear.

This is one of my frustrations (just stating this in general, NOT towards you at all,) that Christians seems to treat marriage as the end-all, be-all to many of our problems.

What's that? You're having problems with porn, or lust, or loneliness? Just get married and you'll never deal with another stray sexual thought for the rest of your life! Over and over, this seems to be the message that singles are always told.

Personally, I think that marriage is just the start of another battle. I've always wanted to write a thread asking, "Did Marriage Cure Your Porn/Lust/Sex Addiction?", because the few people I've seen who were willing to talk about this have said that it did not, and in some ways, made it worse.

After all, marriage might allow a freedom of expression that wasn't there before, but now the married person has to think about things like, "Is this action/fantasy I am wanting to try with my spouse -- ok with them, and most importantly, ok with God?" -- and what if it isn't? Marrieds still have to deal with sexual boundaries, as well as maintaining faithfulness and purity in thought towards their spouses.

I try very hard to keep all my posts G-rated out of respect for the amazing people who keep this site running, as well as our younger community that visits here, but I wonder how many married people are suffering in silence, and could truly use some Christian comfort and help.
You're very smart, and observant.
No marriage is not going to cure lust problems, porn, or infidelity. I recommend folks deal with that before they get married if they can.
Yes I do battle with these things having been exposed to pornography at a young age it has and is a battle for me. My victories over this are prayer, and reading the word, and listening to good preachers expound upon the word to me, this way I can focus my affections and desires on my wife. I also have hardline rules, like I will not be alone with any woman that isn't my wife. I dumped my previous CC profile because I looked and found that I have "followers" and most of them were single women. I make every effort to avoid temptation. I make conscience effort to make sure I focus every sexual thought toward my wife, and avoid stimulation when she isn't available.
Any one who tells you marriage is any kind of solution to any problem is selling you a load of mess. Marriage is very much effort in every way, just as being single is.
I have a passion for protecting marriage. I am willing to go to length with anyone who is thinking of getting married, about to get married, or is married and want to be successful. Even if it is damage repair.

I'll tell you a little known secret in the Christian community. There is no way to alleviate suffering. Even as a Christian we suffer in this life. We suffer differently, because we aren't allowed to use worldly mechanisms to mitigate suffering, we don't get to numb it with alcohol, or drugs. We don't get to compensate with sexual or sensual pleasure. We have to face it, and deal with it. We have to take up our cross daily, and follow Christ. And getting married will not cute loneliness either, you can be more alone than ever in a marriage. Here is an example, if I hurt inside, I can't put that burden on my wife. I have to protect her from it. So I bear it alone. Well not alone because I have Christ, but you catch my point there. I can't impose my hurts, or angers, upon her. She will empathize and feel my feelings and carry that as her burden, no way will I do that to her.
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
13,253
3,434
113
#47
Here is an example, if I hurt inside, I can't put that burden on my wife. I have to protect her from it. So I bear it alone. Well not alone because I have Christ, but you catch my point there. I can't impose my hurts, or angers, upon her. She will empathize and feel my feelings and carry that as her burden, no way will I do that to her.
Thank you for the kind words, for sharing your wisdom and experience in such a personal way, and thank you for discussing this topic so honestly.

Please, if you are willing and feel comfortable to do so, we singles need to hear more of the realistic versions of marriage as you are giving us here. Married people don't seem to talk to us singles that much outside of, "Don't do this, and definitely don't do that!", so I greatly appreciate those who share about themselves and the realities that they face.

I have said this often: one of my favorite threads ever posted here in Singles was from a married woman who told us what her Valentine's Day was really like -- just another day of caring for her family -- and that thread alone spoke volumes that an entire Christian book on marriage could never even touch.

I am so sorry for the times when you feel you have to hold things in and not burden your wife. Just as a reference, I was married once -- but he chose someone else -- and so I do have some insight on the challenges that married people face (not nearly as many or as wise as yourself, but in some small ways, yes, I can relate.)

I have often wondered about how lonely men must be, as culture and even the church tells them that they must be able to handle so much by themselves.

My own picture of marriage has always been a scene from the movie, Terminator 2, in which Arnold's character, The Terminator, rescues Sarah Connor from the mental hospital. Another terminator, the T-1000 has them trapped in an elevator, and Arnold's Terminator is doing everything he can to protect his family -- Sarah and her son. But in that situation, Sarah just grabs another weapon from his on-persons reserve without hesitation, and is jointly firing away at their unseen enemy by his side.

This has always been my view of God's vision as a "helpmate" for a spouse -- I see my single time as being a period of life in which I can hopefully allow God to strengthen me enough to fight right alongside my husband, if I should ever have one, rather than letting him try to fight the battle from every angle alone. Life is hard and even the strongest of men can't fight it all by himself. As a woman, I feel a need to try to be smart enough and strong enough to know when and how to jump right in and do my part in keeping the enemies at bay.

Goodness knows I have a LOT to work on, and maybe that's why my wait has been so long -- or perhaps I'll always be single, it's up to God -- but I am truly sorry for the battles that men, whether single or married, feel they have to weather alone.

My prayer is that God would teach us all how to "Carry each other's burdens" (Galations 6:2,) no matter our social status, and in a way that alleviates so much of the terrible loneliness we see today, even within the church.

Blessings to you, your wife, and your family, Blackpowderduelist, and thank you again for sharing!
 
B

Blackpowderduelist

Guest
#48
Thank you for the kind words, for sharing your wisdom and experience in such a personal way, and thank you for discussing this topic so honestly.

Please, if you are willing and feel comfortable to do so, we singles need to hear more of the realistic versions of marriage as you are giving us here. Married people don't seem to talk to us singles that much outside of, "Don't do this, and definitely don't do that!", so I greatly appreciate those who share about themselves and the realities that they face.

I have said this often: one of my favorite threads ever posted here in Singles was from a married woman who told us what her Valentine's Day was really like -- just another day of caring for her family -- and that thread alone spoke volumes that an entire Christian book on marriage could never even touch.

I am so sorry for the times when you feel you have to hold things in and not burden your wife. Just as a reference, I was married once -- but he chose someone else -- and so I do have some insight on the challenges that married people face (not nearly as many or as wise as yourself, but in some small ways, yes, I can relate.)

I have often wondered about how lonely men must be, as culture and even the church tells them that they must be able to handle so much by themselves.

My own picture of marriage has always been a scene from the movie, Terminator 2, in which Arnold's character, The Terminator, rescues Sarah Connor from the mental hospital. Another terminator, the T-1000 has them trapped in an elevator, and Arnold's Terminator is doing everything he can to protect his family -- Sarah and her son. But in that situation, Sarah just grabs another weapon from his on-persons reserve without hesitation, and is jointly firing away at their unseen enemy by his side.

This has always been my view of God's vision as a "helpmate" for a spouse -- I see my single time as being a period of life in which I can hopefully allow God to strengthen me enough to fight right alongside my husband, if I should ever have one, rather than letting him try to fight the battle from every angle alone. Life is hard and even the strongest of men can't fight it all by himself. As a woman, I feel a need to try to be smart enough and strong enough to know when and how to jump right in and do my part in keeping the enemies at bay.

Goodness knows I have a LOT to work on, and maybe that's why my wait has been so long -- or perhaps I'll always be single, it's up to God -- but I am truly sorry for the battles that men, whether single or married, feel they have to weather alone.

My prayer is that God would teach us all how to "Carry each other's burdens" (Galations 6:2,) no matter our social status, and in a way that alleviates so much of the terrible loneliness we see today, even within the church.

Blessings to you, your wife, and your family, Blackpowderduelist, and thank you again for sharing!
I'm willing to share. My life is an open book. I learned over time, and trial and error. Years of churches being useless in helping me be a man, husband, and father. It wasn't until I became Lutheran, (and they teach vocation), that I really got teaching that has helped me to really understand. Vocation is not just job, it who you are, such as son of a father and mother, husband of a wife, father of children, and son of God. And what these roles actually mean. What the bible says about being a husband is my duty as a husband so I have to learn it and then do my duty to that role. I'm not going to post all the related scripture.

Promise keeper and purpose driven life is a bunch of useless drivel.
 
Mar 25, 2020
218
124
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#49
Hello, I would like to hear some dating advice. I hope to find the right person for me soon. At times I have felt discouraged. I want to go about dating in the right way that God would be pleased. Any advice?
You're going to get a lot of advice here. I'd say that I am very poor in this field. But I know what it takes.

All it takes is just the other person you love to feel the same way about you. Then things would work out well for you.

If you have not found the right person, pray to Jesus. He's going to show you who the right person is. Make sure the person you plan to take home with you would love you for the rest of your life.

Make sure that that person has the values you're looking for in a life partner and make sure that there is enough and more love for the both of you and for your family which will come after you.

But if you ask me, Love is very difficult. But love that comes from God will sustain your relationship. So pray to God that you get a good life partner.

I'd say it takes only a few seconds to fall in love with someone. So, just be sure that it is the right person.

Be open when someone approaches you regarding that. See what they have to offer. It could be in your workplace. A neighbour or even a friend. Or someone you know from Church.

Treat that person like an old friend. There could be some awkward moments to start with. Then things will get better. If you feel comfortable and safe with that person, then that's a very good sign.

You have to pray to God and ask Him to bless you with a good life partner. A good life partner, family and children are a blessing from God. Only God can give you all that.

Just be positive about it. God will take care of the rest. Wish you all the best
 

MegMarch

Well-known member
Nov 11, 2019
432
413
63
#50
Hello, I would like to hear some dating advice. I hope to find the right person for me soon. At times I have felt discouraged. I want to go about dating in the right way that God would be pleased. Any advice?
Enjoy dating! It should be fun. Have a great time and don't put too much pressure on the process. View each day as a gift and each opportunity as a chance to value the person you are getting to know. Speaking from experience, I spent too much time focusing on the wrong things in dating until more recently in my life. And most importantly make sure the food is fine. ;)
 

DesertWanderer

Active member
Nov 17, 2019
366
201
43
58
New Mexico, USA
#51
Here's a sure-fire way to kill your chances, and end up settling for MR. Wrong. Just say to yourself, over and over again:

" I want to find a Christian man who lives in my hometown and has a good reputation. He has to be nice looking, but not as pretty as me. He has to have a good job with a little money set aside.

If his company offers benefits, that's great. But he has to put me and the fam first. No working overtime on the weekends.

It wouldn't hurt if his parents had money and he was set for life. But he shouldn't be too conceited about it. And if he is rich, I want to keep him at home away from all those gold-diggers out there.

If he has a crummy job now, that's okay. After all, I'm not one of THOSE girls who has to have a guy with a lot of money. He can always work up to that later. I'm just looking for the usual kinda stuff in life:

  • A new house, but not too big
  • A new car we can make monthly payments on. Maybe trade it in later, or not.
  • Maybe take a vacation to Disney Land every year. Should be pretty doable with both of us working.
Above all, he has to want kids with all his heart, soul, and mind. It really has to be his mission in life, because, without children, it just doesn't feel like a family. I don't mind saying, I'm looking for a great father for my children. Is that so bad?"

From what I read so far, you are a follower of Christ. So, I know I don't have to remind you to stay away from this thought:

"If it doesn't work out, there's always divorce, but only if he abuses me by not being a perfect Christian, a good provider, and an absolute primo daddy to my kids."
 

Nehemiah6

Senior Member
Jul 18, 2017
15,381
7,554
113
#52
I want to go about dating in the right way that God would be pleased. Any advice?
The term "dating" applies to those who are not necessarily seeking God's will. In fact it is a misnomer. So think about meeting a future spouse as a matter of simply getting to know a few Christian men who are consistent Christians, to whom you are attracted, and who treat you with respect.
 

shittim

Senior Member
Dec 16, 2016
7,105
3,998
113
#53
Good, sound, advice, it places relationship with the Lord first.
ever hear a Christian lady say," but he said he was a Christian", apparently the man who claimed to be Christian didn't pray with her first and she did not detect this lapse between his words and his practice.
 
Jan 19, 2021
28
16
3
#54
If you go to a Church, sit next to new people and introduce yourself. This is how i met my beautiful wife Barbara. We shared an interest in hymns and have the joint favourite of all things bright and beautiful. You could also try speaking to the vicor/pastor and finding out if they know of any christian dating groups near by. This way, you find someone who has found the lord and thus hopefully wont lead you into temptation.
 

CherieR

Senior Member
May 6, 2017
2,039
1,297
113
#55
Good, sound, advice, it places relationship with the Lord first.
ever hear a Christian lady say," but he said he was a Christian", apparently the man who claimed to be Christian didn't pray with her first and she did not detect this lapse between his words and his practice.
A lot of men say they are Christian I have noticed on dating profiles but that means different things to different people.
 

CherieR

Senior Member
May 6, 2017
2,039
1,297
113
#56
Im sure there was some custom of throwing shoes in the Book of Ruth. but maybe you could just have a foot washing ceremony instead.

I think it would be great fun to watch this courtship unfold.
It would be ... interesting.
 

CherieR

Senior Member
May 6, 2017
2,039
1,297
113
#57
Here's a sure-fire way to kill your chances, and end up settling for MR. Wrong. Just say to yourself, over and over again:

" I want to find a Christian man who lives in my hometown and has a good reputation. He has to be nice looking, but not as pretty as me. He has to have a good job with a little money set aside.

If his company offers benefits, that's great. But he has to put me and the fam first. No working overtime on the weekends.

It wouldn't hurt if his parents had money and he was set for life. But he shouldn't be too conceited about it. And if he is rich, I want to keep him at home away from all those gold-diggers out there.

If he has a crummy job now, that's okay. After all, I'm not one of THOSE girls who has to have a guy with a lot of money. He can always work up to that later. I'm just looking for the usual kinda stuff in life:

  • A new house, but not too big
  • A new car we can make monthly payments on. Maybe trade it in later, or not.
  • Maybe take a vacation to Disney Land every year. Should be pretty doable with both of us working.
Above all, he has to want kids with all his heart, soul, and mind. It really has to be his mission in life, because, without children, it just doesn't feel like a family. I don't mind saying, I'm looking for a great father for my children. Is that so bad?"

From what I read so far, you are a follower of Christ. So, I know I don't have to remind you to stay away from this thought:

"If it doesn't work out, there's always divorce, but only if he abuses me by not being a perfect Christian, a good provider, and an absolute primo daddy to my kids."
I’m not sure exactly where you are coming from with this post.
 

notuptome

Senior Member
May 17, 2013
15,050
2,523
113
#58
A lot of men say they are Christian I have noticed on dating profiles but that means different things to different people.
I rather think that is not limited to one gender or the other. It is also a great problem in the pews of the church.

Being an old married guy I'm thankful that I do not need to navigate the treacherous waters of dating in this age or at my age.

Lot's of prayer and prayer support from friends and church are necessary to have a successful outcome in dating.

For the cause of Christ
Roger
 

CherieR

Senior Member
May 6, 2017
2,039
1,297
113
#59
I rather think that is not limited to one gender or the other. It is also a great problem in the pews of the church.

Being an old married guy I'm thankful that I do not need to navigate the treacherous waters of dating in this age or at my age.

Lot's of prayer and prayer support from friends and church are necessary to have a successful outcome in dating.

For the cause of Christ
Roger
Yes, it isn’t limited to one gender. I agree
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
12,276
4,419
113
#60
The only other advice I would have is, if you are going on a date and you dont really know that person or even you havent met them before, if in doubt, take a chaperone!

I means they dont have to be with you all the time on the date but close by in case anything happens that you arent comfortable with. Or at least let someone else know you are going somewhere.

those tinder hook up date things...and online you need to be super careful, because predators and scammers have a field day on them. One girl was found murdered and it turns out she was dating the guy on tinder. I wont give the grisly details but you can google Grace Millane.