Why I'm keeping my daughter from her mother

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Jun 15, 2016
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#1
Ok I need help. Advice. Ideas. Prayers.

I'll do my best to make this brief as possible.
My ex and I went through a horrible seperation which led to divorce.
During that time there were lies made against me which led to an arrest, a whole lot of boyfriends and adultery, drugs, prostitution and a suicide attempt in hopes to keep me around.

A few months ago (after I'd already had suspicions) my ex wife's best friend contacted me revealing to me that my ex had been prostituting for her boyfriend and that I needed to get the baby away.
Literally her entire family tried talking to her, praying everything she just kept throwing the middle finger up at everyone, me especially.

No matter how sweet, caring, long suffering I was to this woman she kept slapping me in the face with the grace I offered her.

I begged and begged and begged her to come around and be a mother to our daughter as I was left raising her on my own.

She refused and always had excuses.

Currently its been 2 months since my daughter has last seen her. In fact I face timed her Christmas week to express my concerns with her absence one last time and she cursed me out dropping "f" bombs and called me a b****
That was my final straw.
I want absolutely no contact with her at this point.

A couple days ago a big chaotic situation happened online where things were exposed about her to hundreds of people who knows both of us. It really didnt bother me.
She had been out of state with her pimp I'm guessing and according to her had exposed a lot of stuff about her videos, pics etc and beat her, tried to kill her and left her stranded in Nevada.

NOW.

My heart is huge! I forgive sooooooo much stuff done to me I really do. Even with her I had forgiven her time after time man even now, but I want nothing to do with her.

So I forgave her, I just won't deal with her to protect my soul and my daughter.

I won't allow my daughter around her. Not until she gets counseling and provides me a clean drug test.

shes contacted me in hopes to see my daughter but I won't let her, not yet anyways. She says she needs to see her because of everything she went through in a matter of days. I think it's bull. Because less than a week ago she's cursing me out.
Now she's back home and saying that God has saved her (which is great) but accusing me of being hard hearted towards her and God will deal with me.

THAT part frustrated the hell out of me.

This has to do with me protecting my baby from the nights I had to comfort her crying because her mother wasn't there.
No I do not care about what she went through, I really don't. Because man she put me through so freaking much that I didn't deserve to go through, and I'm busting my butt to clean it all up and she goes off does her dirt, comes back and expects me to just be okay with her? Or hand her my daughter? When just 2 days ago you're high on drugs??? Absolutely not!

I can go on and on with this but you get the gist

Am I wrong for how I feel from what you've read?

I don't feel I have bitterness towards her...I feel like she wants to dodge accountability and hide behind religion or Gods grace while trying to judge me lol and my thing is you still have to deal with the consequences of your choices, we all do.
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
62,904
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#2
I don't think you're wrong. I think you're a man who is finally fed up with a woman who wants everything else other than you and her child. I don't mean to offend, but I'm gonna be blunt here. She is prostituting herself for her boyfriend, she's an unfit mother and probably would be a danger to the child because of the company she keeps.

Maybe it's a good thing that so much stuff about her finally got exposed. Hopefully now she'll wake up and realize how detrimental her actions have been. She made her bed, now she needs to take the consequences. If one of those is losing her child, so be it until or unless she can get clean and stay clean..

I don't believe that in just a few days, that she "found God". Everyone makes mistakes, but come on.. You're right not to allow her any contact with your daughter for now. She has alot to prove to you, and God, and herself..
 
Feb 5, 2017
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#3
You sound like a man of principal, and she has been someone of little respect for you because she has had little respect for herself. I always have hope in people that they can change.

I think you need to ask her what she wants (this part is obvious), but also how 'she' thinks she can get to that point, and the time it will take to get to that point (trust), and her not falling back on herself because she doesn't get what she wants 'now' rather than with patience. Sounds like you have a lot of empathy and patience, maybe this is something she lacks in herself, seeing it from your angle. Maybe try and get her to put herself in your shoes, maybe she has never really tried this, 'allowed' herself to think like this. People lose empathy when they have been through trauma or pain, there must be reasons for getting herself in such chaotic situations, rather than chance.

When people want to feel love, but they don't feel love, they look for it in things which are not love. You have to find those points she agrees with. Like, does she think you care? Does she think that your daughter is in good hands? Does she believe that you really want to let her see your daughter if she is patient? When people can realise a yes in themselves to something, they have made some agreement with themselves, and their mind is at ease when it may have been chaotic.

It sounds like you want everything to work out better, keep doing God's work. God's work always wins, if kindness and love comes from assertion, rather than passive or aggressive. You just have to give her the eyes to see that in herself, when she has probably rejected God out of all the pain. But she is struggling, but trying, and you have to have some faith in that, that she is trying to have a better relationship with God. What she has to prove is to God rather than you. I say that because when she really proves it to God, God will show you that and you will know it.

There is you, there is her, and there is God. There are always 3 in a relationship (not meaning actual relationship/partner). But in forgetting God in discussion, me vs me, that's when things can fall apart. Talk about God, help each other, make God the centre of your communication together. I think that will help.
 

Joidevivre

Senior Member
Jul 15, 2014
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#4
You do not mention how old your daughter is, but there needs to somehow be a relation eventually. If not, your daughter will hold it against you when she is older.

Assuming you have custody, is there another family member that you could take and let your ex visit with her daughter in a public place - even like a MacDonald's. Your observations then would either give further visits or not.

Maybe your ex needs to see this daughter to give her more incentive to "walk the walk" of a Christian. Maybe she has found God, it can happen pretty quick with repentance, etc. And maybe she needs to have a little help in changing her behaviors.

I believe in second chances, and forgiveness on your part. Whether she can behave in a good manner in front of your daughter (with you there) will determine further visits. It is good to have a third person also there to witness what takes place, but do not choose someone your ex does not like. Someone neutral.

You don't have to like your ex - you only have to do the best thing for your daughter.

These are just suggestions. Pray and be directed from the Lord.
 

stonesoffire

Senior Member
Nov 24, 2013
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#5
Protect yourself and your daughter. Wait for the fruit. People get desperate and will say all kinds of things for their own good, not considering another's. That is how you will know. When you see her actually considering you and your daughter.
 
Aug 8, 2017
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#6
I agree with stonesoffire.
of course we have to forgive but you don't have to be anybody's fool. I feel for what you and your daughter are going through, thank God she has you to love and protect her. Follow your heart like you have been. If the time comes when she really has tried and changed you will know it and I'm sure you will do what is best for your daughter.
Stay strong brother for you and for your daughter.
I pray you find the peace you so rightly deserve.
 

Dino246

Senior Member
Jun 30, 2015
5,363
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#7
Camelot, you certainly need prayer, but you also need a lawyer. I'm not one, but I suspect that the law is not going to be on your side if you try to prevent your ex from seeing your daughter, unless your ex has been abusive toward your daughter (her treatment of you is probably irrelevant). The last thing you need is your ex accusing you of kidnapping. If you can, get a restraining order against your ex so that you can legally keep your daughter away from her.

By all means, forgive and love your ex, but don't be a fool by allowing her back in your life without her demonstrating that she has changed significantly. A simple apology and a few days clean aren't enough.

As I recommend to all those separated and divorced, sign up for the daily devotional from DivorceCare.org, spend some time on YouTube with Patrick Doyle (on TheDove.tv's channel) and get in God's face consistently for healing for yourself.

Grace does not exclude firm treatment of those who have demonstrated that they won't respond to "nice". Even God sent away Israel, His beloved.
 

Tommy379

Senior Member
Jan 12, 2016
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#8
In time, you could start doing supervised visitation at DSS. If your ex can get her crap together a bit.
 

oldethennew

Senior Member
Feb 28, 2016
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#9
I always wonder what the 'wife's' or if reversed, what the 'other's side would sound like...
 

Angela53510

Senior Member
Jan 24, 2011
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#10
My daughter is a social worker in child protective services. She deals with drug addicts and alcoholics regularly. The provincial rule is that if the parents are not clean, as determined by drug testing, they do NOT see their children. It is more damaging for children to see their parents while using, than not to see them at all.

I would definitely agree you need to get a lawyer, get guardianship of your daughter, and some kind of no contact order unless your ex drug tests clean. If you don’t, she may apply for custody, probably to spite you, and the child could be taken away by child services, for neglect and parental drug abuse, making hard for you to see your daughter.

It is good you have forgiven you ex, but your goal has to be to protect your daughter. Her mother has forfeited the privilege of contact, unless she kicks her habits, gets in rehab and changes her lifestyle. And it is not your job to arrange that!
 
Jun 15, 2016
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#13
What your wife would say if she were on here trying to explain this situation to us...
Ah. Well yeah with all of the things said against me in the past I don't know nor would I care honestly lol, but I know she would agree that she isn't fit at the moment.

Someone asked my kid's age and she's 4. Also I do hold full custody as the judge agrees it's the best decision for now.

Hope I answered all questions.
 

Dan58

Senior Member
Nov 13, 2013
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#14
I want nothing to do with her.....

So I forgave her, I just won't deal with her to protect my soul and my daughter.

I won't allow my daughter around her.
Your doing the right thing, I wouldn't let my daughter any where near an ex like yours.. She's a lot of things, but a mother isn't one of them. She doesn't even deserve your forgiveness until she repents and completely gets her act together. No child should be subjected to a woman like that... jmo
 
D

Depleted

Guest
#15
I always wonder what the 'wife's' or if reversed, what the 'other's side would sound like...
You can read his old posts and start getting a larger picture of who he is and how he's been going for the last couple of years. He comes here only when he has a problem, and he's been having the problem since before he first came here. His old posts gives a much bigger picture that this.
 

oldethennew

Senior Member
Feb 28, 2016
7,607
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#16
yes, I hear you Lynn,

I have been there and done that old 'dance', I know all of the in's and out's out this
wicked world, dominated by men in power...the outcome and answers are almost to
the 't', selfishly demonic...
 
Dec 8, 2017
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#17
will God take away our kids from us because we don't obey?your wife she prostitutes =adultery .....I'm sure some of you look at a person with lust= adultery .....your wife takes drugs it makes her think she'll get better or shes running away from something or just got deceived ....im sure most of you are on some kind of medicines which is drugs by the way and you take it because you think it will make you better/been deceived ....we teach our kids to go to school and get a "good job" which has nothing to do with God by the way its actually pushing them away from God/we've been deceived....and no making them go to a building that is often called church and listen and obey the pastors which are humans teaching other humans their way instead of teaching Jesus is the way and teach his teachings but no God still gives us time to repent ,he forgives us time after time again and no he is not a fool he is actually the king of kings and Lord of lords and he knows it all so yeah I know it's hard to comprehend and normal to try to keep our kids from danger but how less in danger are they for being with us of course in God's eyes according to the word of God(jesus)